the end of [round two]

If there is anyone still left reading this, I'm sure you're wondering where the last five days or so of food logs went.
The short answer is that my whole30 turned into a whole25.
You can judge and shake your head and leave it there, if you'd like. However, if you want to moral of the whole thing, feel free to stay awhile.

Friday was Day 25.
We went into London to meet up with a dear friend of Hubs who was one of the groomsmen in our wedding. He had come to London on a business trip and changed his flight to stay an extra day just to hang out with us. So, so cool.
Now, I have my list of "go-to" places when I'm in London, and I am not for one second making excuses for myself when I tell you what I am about to tell you. What I am saying is that I am learning about balance and priorities.
We had Jameson with us for the day, and by the time he'd finished napping in said friend's hotel room, and we got ourselves out into the city, it was already late afternoon. None of us had really had anything much to eat since breakfast and we were walking everywhere and it was COLD.
Jameson was miserable, I was miserable, everyone was miserable.
Plans were to head to the Aquarium and find a place to eat around there--except that none of my "approved" places were really in the vicinity. So, by the time we got to Westminster and bought Aquarium tickets, it was 3:30, Jameson was screaming from frozen fingers and an empty belly and I realized that it would do more harm than good to drag everyone to a tube station just so I could order plain chicken and a salad. Which means that we walked into a pub, and I ordered a hamburger (an effort to find the thing best option) which ended up being one of those frozen-patties-of-something-awful, and I broke a whole30 on craptastic food.

But you know what?

I don't feel bad about it.

I'd spent the last three weeks controlling, controlling, controlling EVERYTHING that went into my mouth--giving myself anxiety about too many carbs, eating too late at night, should I snack on fruit, is my body still burning fat, etc. But when it came time to decide between myself and my family, there wasn't a choice. I had this brainwave of realization that there has to be an element of balance to everything we do. It was more important to get Jameson out of the cold and some sort of food into him than it was to stick to my rigid principles "just because". So I made a conscious choice to eat off-plan, and I was absolutely fine with it.
Was I sad? Yeah, a little, because I don't like not-finishing things.
But did I regret it? Nope. And that was kind of surprising.

If I'm honest, my one big concern was how everyone else was going to take it.
I'd gotten so many people on this Whole30 wagon that I didn't want to "fail" and have them all look at me and say, "Well, if she does it, we might as well do it too."
But part of this balance is realizing that I am not responsible for anyone else and their experience with this. It is not my job to worry and obsess over other people and their diet. Should I answer questions and be supportive and encouraging?
Yes. Absolutely.
Do I need to lie in bed at night, heart-pounding, and adrenaline rushing as I think about how this bad experience they're having is somehow my fault and I need to find a way to fix it?
No. No way.

I feel like it's also important to note that this was my second whole30--I've done this before, whole hog, for 30 days completely. So that also contributed to my "okay-ness" with cutting it short. I already know (because I finished the first one and did the reintroduction) that I don't handle dairy or gluten well, that grains leave me massively bloated, and that I have a sugar dragon bigger than Smaug if I'm not careful. So I wasn't losing out on that part of the experience--learning what is and isn't okay for my body, because I'd had that already.

This was a hard round, you guys. I came into it expecting so much more victory than I felt like I got.
But maybe that was the point.
It's possible to take a good thing and make it a less-good thing by obsessing and worrying over it so much, that it then becomes a monster eating up your life rather than something to complement and enhance your life.
I need balance.
I need to remember that making a less-healthy food choice does not make me a bad person or a failure.
I need to remember that there is no ideal for my body--because it's mine, and I'm the only one that really knows what healthy feels like inside of it.
I need to remember that everything is a choice and I can choose whatever I want--more healthy or less healthy--and be okay with those choices.
I need to be okay with the fact that sometimes I'm going to order a pizza and drink a soda and eat some really good ice cream because my husband had his wisdom teeth out that afternoon and I need to take a break from overthinking everything (read: what I did last night).
I need to be okay with then eating fairly strict Paleo after that and knowing that it's not because I made a less-healthy choice the night before, but because I know that it's going to make me feel better than that pizza did.

So, there's a lot here.
I'm still working through it all and processing.
I'm learning how to live in the tension between too-much and not-enough.
Sadly, I'm pretty sure that it's something I'm going to have to live in for the rest of my life. But the good news is that I've done it, I know I can do it, and I want to do it--more than I want to self-medicate with pie--and that is the important part.

Talk to me.
How was your whole30? If you haven't tried it--will you? If you have--are you done with the "paleo" bandwagon forever?

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day 13 [round two]

Day 13
Meal 1: 1 1/2 sausages, 2 eggs, coffee w/creamer

Meal 2: Nando's mixed leaf salad w/plain chicken and olive oil/balsamic

Snack: 1 sweet potato

Meal 3: Leftover Tex-Mex carnitas salad, 1 bowl berries w/coconut milk

Snack: 2 apples w/too much almond butter.

Okay, the snacking and extra food is going overboard. I've got to get this under control.
I think maybe part of it is that I know that people are reading this and going through their first whole30, so I'm afraid that they'll look at these entries and be like, "Well she ate five sweet potatoes at midnight, so why can't I?" and then that makes me panic and eat more.

The issues with this are, obviously, I need to get over myself and let people just DO their whole30 without worrying if I'm influencing them negatively. And I need to get this emotional eating/snacking/cravings under control. I had this issue the first time around--the stress about the timing of my eating, how much I ate, what I ate, etc. (I like strict rules and guidelines, as if the whole30 rules aren't strict enough--I want times, and measured amounts, people! Heck, just give me a menu and tell me what to eat!) I posted about it on the forum and the response that stuck out to me the most was a wonderful person who said something like, "Stressing about this is going to take away a lot of the positive impacts that eating this way is trying to give you. Can you stop worrying about amounts and times, and just eat. good. food. for awhile?"

That felt so freeing, someone giving me permission to just eat and not worry about if I should or shouldn't eat something, whether I was going to have too many carbs from this or that, was this just a craving or was I really hungry (I mean, I felt pretty hungry!) But for some reason, when I decided I'd go for round two, I thought to myself, "Okay, now you have to deal with those emotional ties you have with food. No more 'free eating', this round is about getting your mind under control." Except that seems to have backfired, because I'm now even MORE anal retentive about what I'm putting in my mouth and when and it's causing stress and so I'm eating my stress. Awesome.

I don't know what the answer is yet. I can't say, "Yes, okay I'm going to eat what what I want when I want" because then I literally would be eating like four sweet potatoes a day, especially right before I went to bed. But I also can't keep trying to lock myself into this mental extreme because it's stressing me out and ruining everything I'm trying to accomplish.

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day 9 [round two]

Completely went off the rails with sweet potato last night. I don't know what the deal is, but apparently I have a sweet potato dragon to conquer now. Boo.

Day 9

Pre-Wo: Hard-boiled egg

Meal 1: 1 sausage, 2 eggs, 1 bell pepper, coffee w/creamer

Meal 2: Spinach, romaine, and tomato salad topped w/leftover beef coconut curry, 1 leftover zucchini boat, 1/4 sweet potato

Snack: 1/4 sweet potato

Meal 3: 2 bowls garbage stir-fry, 1/2 sweet potato, herbal tea

So, my thinking is that as long as I make sure that I'm eating a variety of vegetables and not just subbing in sweet potatoes for everything, maybe my body needs those starchy carbs.

I mean, I'm still nursing and I'm strength training this time around (which I wasn't doing before) so it would make sense that my cravings are for some hearty, fill-er-up foods. I had lots of different vegetables today, and made sure to eat some in the morning, so...I'm going to try and relax on the sweet potato cravings.

Unless it's obviously a mental thing, like it was last night where I was thinking about them the way I think about chocolate and I could hear them calling to me from the oven. Yeah. This has gotten beyond ridiculous now. Yeesh.

Random sidenote, I had to exchange a top at H&M today and I decided to try on some pants instead and ended up finding out that I am now two sizes smaller than I was before, and I generally fit into size "small" in most things. Weird. I don't think I've ever been a small in my life. In fact, it's kind of hard to get used to. I mean, I'm not complaining, it's just strange. Forever I have thought of myself as "thick" and "big-boned" and "muscular" (basically all nice ways to convince myself that I wasn't fat), and even though I never thought I was FAT, I still felt big. So it's weird to have a clothing label say small, when that has been the opposite end of the spectrum for me always.

And I'm not telling you this to humblebrag and be all, "Oh, wow, what problems I have to have to wear a size small". I'm just telling you that I'm finding myself in weird places now, but they're good places and I'm okay with it.

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day 8 [round two]

Day 7, continued:

Snack: Lettuce wrap w/apple, grapes, chicken and almond butter 

I was sooo hungry. I think that I did not eat enough protein/fat at dinner. I did the "steamed fish and broccoli" test, and I definitely would have wolfed that, so I decided that eating some more food might be in order. I did a "mini meal" and tried to make sure I hit protein and fat, as well as vegetables. It was a little later to eat than I would have liked (about 9 p.m.), but I was hungry and this is a learning process, so there.

Day 8

Meal 1: 1 sausage, 2 pieces of bacon, 2 eggs, grapes, coffee w/creamer

Snack: Lettuce wraps w/apple, grapes, chicken, and almond butter, herbal tea

Meal 2: 1/2 plain chicken from Nando's, large side salad w/balsamic and olive oil, mineral water

Meal 3: 4 zucchini boats stuffed w/beef coconut curry, grapes, apple w/almond butter

I tried an experiment with myself today and had fruit with breakfast to see if it would help or hinder any sweet cravings I had for the rest of the day. Shockingly, I wanted suger a LOT today, and I'm thinking that it was probably the grapes that did it. So, I'm making a note to keep my first meal of the day free of sweet tastes, because this will (hopefully) make the rest of the day a little bit easier.

Went out for lunch with a friend today and ordered compliant food, even though I know the fries/chips at this place are amazing (especially with the peri-peri salt they put on there). I really wanted a Diet Coke (back to the sugar craving), but just had some fizzy water instead and was kind of surprised at how satisfying this was. In the end, I got a lot of good chicken, a much needed catch-up with a good friend, and to hang out with my bebe for awhile.

Dinner was amazing. Make it, and stuff your face. Plus it's easy. The end.

I love how many people came out of the woodwork after I whined about not having any readers yesterday. I love you all, seriously, and sometimes I just sit back kind of stunned by the things people are telling me about how I'm inspiring and all that. I want to be like, "What? Are you sure you know who you're talking about here? Me?"

But I guess this is because I'm inside my head and you're out of it, and that is probably a good thing, because I don't think opinions would stay quite the same if you were sharing this brain of mine.

I'm two-thirds of the way through the first season of 'Dr. Who' and I am obsessed. Weirdly obsessed though, because there are things that really annoy me, but I keep coming back for more. Hubs kind of watches the show in the background when I have it on, and tries to be interested, but then a stupid graphic comes across the screen or an alien in a ridiculous costume and he just can't handle it. So I am the lone Whovian in the house, I guess.

I'm debating a bowl of berries w/coconut milk. Or some almond butter. (I'm trying to figure out if there was enough fat in dinner...) Mmmmm, apple with almond butter it is. Yeah boi.

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day 7 [round two]

Seven days done, which means I finished my first week. Holla!

Pre-Wo: Hard boiled egg

Meal 1: 2 eggs, 1 sausage, coffee w/creamer

Meal 2: 1 egg, 2 sausages, 2 pieces of bacon, butternut squash

Meal 3: Thai green curry w/chicken and cauliflower rice, bowl of berries w/coconut milk, herbal tea

I had a lot of sausages today, which was not planned, but still delicious. I kind of felt the lack of veggies though, so I put a lot into the curry that I made tonight. Not to mention that I riced up a cauliflower and added that on there. Still. 

My grocery order with all the produce came today, so I'm looking forward to some lettuce wraps for lunch tomorrow and a few other good vegetables. Not to mention that I've got deconstructed gyro salad on the menu, and it sounds AMAZING. It'll be my first time cooking lamb, but I trust the recipe and I'll keep you all posted on how it was (I mean, I'm sure you're waiting with baited breath, right? I know. I'm just so popular).

It's about a quarter to eight and my wicked sugar dragon/carb cravings have hit. It's strange because I could really go for a cupcake or something (I mean, I could always go for a cupcake), but what I'm really jonesing for right now is like an apple and some almond butter, or some sweet potatoes. Basically I've got a health-food sugar dragon right now, which is weird, but just as sucky. Drinking fruit tea and watching 'Dr. Who' while waiting for it to go away.

Speaking of 'Dr. Who', I just found out that the last Daalek was found in Utah in 2012. I mean, who knew?

Also, no one is reading this daily log of mine, which I don't really blame you for, but it also makes me feel kind of like an idiot for putting it up there. And I also worry about what you'll think of my food choices (like all the breakfast meats I ate today), which just goes to show exactly how self-critical and insecure I am. Cool.

Hubs brought me roses this morning, which was so nice to wake up to. Jameson and I cuddled a lot today and I had a moment of realizing that holding him on the couch while he was eating an apple was enough. That was kind of a nice epiphany for the day.

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days 5 & 6 [round two]

Day 5

Meal 1: 2 sausages, 2 eggs, coffee w/cm creamer

Snack: Black coffee, juice, apple

Meal 2: Chipotle salad w/carnitas, mild and hot sauce, guacamole

Snack: Black coffee and almonds

Meal 3: 4 Chicken legs, 1 sweet potato, roasted veggies

We went to London for most of the day yesterday, and as we were leaving I was not really nervous about staying compliant at all. I'd been to London on my last whole30 and managed to find plenty of food to eat, so why should this time be any more difficult?

Then I got there and remembered how much I love pastries, and coffee, and GOOD FOOD, and was kind of surprised by how much my brain wanted to rationalize eating something off plan:

"You've already done one whole30, why do you need to do another one?"

"You've been eating well for five days now, that's a good reset. Just enjoy your day in London and then go back on plan!"

The sabotage was quick and hard, and I had to actively work to remind myself that a) I was not the only one dealing with temptation b) I had inspired a ton of other people to start this journey and if I copped out on them, I would be letting them down and c) the REASON I looked so good in all of the clothes and things that I was trying on was because of "following the rules" and that feeling was worth more than any pastry. (Even though they looked amazing!)

Basically, I was really taken aback by how low my defenses were, and how much higher I needed them to be. I managed to make it through the day staying compliant, and I am really glad I did. I had a few snacks at different points because I felt hungrier than usual, and Hubs was eating candy from a special sweet shop and I knew I had to have something in my mouth, or I'd be reaching for the sour cola bottles. Overall, though, it was such a nice day out and I am so glad that I stuck to eating good food and at least pre-planned where I could eat in the city easily. 

Day 6
Meal 1: 2 sausages, 2 eggs, 1/4 sweet potato, coffee w/cm creamer

Meal 2: Garbage stir-fry, 1 avocado

Meal 3: 1 sausage, 3 eggs, sweet potato, butternut squash, herbal tea

Not a bad day. Jameson woke up in the middle of the night last night because his teeth were killing him, so Hubs and I were a lot more tired than usual.
Plus I hit a "kill ALL the things" time this evening, which was pleasant (not). Poor Hubs. Sorry I was so cranky, I didn't mean it!

Had a weird burning, stomach-ache after lunch today...wondering if it was from the chili in my stir-fry? However, I don't think I drank enough water today either, so it could have been that.

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day 4 [round two]

Meal 1: 2 sausages, 2 eggs, 1/3 avocado

Meal 2: Garbage stir-fry leftovers, 1 sweet potato, 2/3 avocado

Snack: Sweet potato

Meal 3: 1/2 porkchop, 1 egg, 1/2 cup roasted veggies, 1/2 avocado, 1 bowl berries w/c.m. and c. butter

I think I have a sweet potato problem.

Is that even possible?

I mean, I guess it's possible, exchanging chocolate for sweet potatoes...they're just kind of my go-to comfort food when I'm hungry or need an extra vegetable. 

Not enough protein at dinner tonight since Jameson ate almost all of my porkchop. Maybe I'll just have some sweet potato to compensate. Ha.

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day 3 [round two]

Pre-Workout: Coffee w/c.m. creamer, Hard-boiled egg

Meal 1: 2 sausages, 2 eggs, 1 bell pepper

Meal 2: Garbage stir-fry (beef, carrots, bell pepper, spinach, broccoli, sprouts, onion), 1 fried egg, 1/3 sweet potato

Meal 3: 2 bowls zucchini stew, 2 sweet potatoes

Not a bad day today (aside from the part where Jameson woke up at 4:30 a.m. and kept saying,
"UP! Mama! UP! MAMA UP" until I got out of bed at 5:30 a.m.). Worked out this morning, and it was harder than the first time around, which was kind of discouraging, but I pushed through it and finished well. I'm starting to feel strong again, and I love that.

Had a few moments with my stomach today, but I think it's just the remnants of my holiday boozing working it's way out of my system.

Kiiind of went crazy with the sweet potatoes tonight. Not sure why...could be an emotional thing, since Jameson is running around my house and WILL NOT go to sleep, or it could just be that I needed the extra carbs today. Whatevs. I ate a lot of sweet potatoes tonight and they were delicious. At least it wasn't wine.

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day 2 [round two]

Meal 1: 2 sausages, 2 eggs, 1 bell pepper, coffee w/c.m. creamer

Meal 2: 3 chicken legs baked in olive oil and seasoned w/rosemary, thyme, sage, garlic, salt and cayenne pepper, carrots, 1/2 sweet potato, 1 apple

Meal 3: Cottage pie from 'Well Fed' broccoli, berries w/coconut milk AND coconut butter (about an hour after dinner)

Today was the first day I got hit by a craving, hard. We were walking back from the store and it was raining, and Hubs and I were bickering and as soon as I stepped in the door all I wanted to do was eat some cookies, or some ice cream, or SOMETHING. The good news is that I automatically recognized it as an emotional response to the situation I was in and so I made some rooibos tea instead and tried to distract myself.

Dinner tonight was so, so good and it made me extra happy that it turned out so well because it was like warm comfort food without any of the guilt associated. Even Hubs liked it, and he kind of took a vow not to enjoy anything with mashed cauliflower in it. We had a little bit leftover, but not enough for my "leftovers on Friday" plan, so I'll have to see what else I can rustle up.

I had a bowl of berries with coconut milk/butter after dinner and after a fight to put Jameson to bed. Did I need them? No. Could I have gone without them? Probably. Did I enjoy them? Heck yes.

Overall, it's been a good day. I'm feeling good, mentally and physically, and am really finding it helpful that I can almost just slide back into my routine, since I'm semi-familiar with the rules. I remember the first time around, Day 2 was killer, and it was mostly because I was already exhausted from checking everything I ate to make sure it was compliant. For everyone on their first whole30 (and even if you're not) this guide was SO nice to have around through the first 30 days--helped remind me that everything I was thinking and feeling was completely normal!

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whole30. round two.

Okay.

I'm keeping a "what I ate" log for this whole30, per the request of a few different people. If there's an amazeballs recipe that I try and love, I'll do my best to post the link and let you know where I found it. If you're really into it, you can check out my paleo pinterest board and grab some stuff for yourself.

This is the workout I'll be doing attempting every other day. I did it this morning, two circuits through and was pretty much toast afterwards.
Awesome. At least I've got goals to work towards.
I like this routine because I can do it at home if I don't feel like schlepping myself out to the gym, but I can also get it all done there if I need to get out of the house and regain some sanity.

Other goals include...

Improve my sleeping habits: Get to bed earlier, sleep better, be more rested. Done.

Improve my relationship with food: Fight (and kill) the sugar dragon. Stop worrying about what I eat, and when I eat, and why I eat, and just EAT. To think about food more (where it comes from, how it is nourishing my body, the joy of creating a great meal) and to think about food less (the random food item calling to me from the cupboard, the guilt-ridden struggle of "should I eat this? should I not?")

Get back on the workout train: Strength training every other day, and advance to 3 (maybe 4) circuits by the end of the month. Lots of walking at random times.

Get comfortable in my own skin: Stop being defined by the scale and numbers and measurements. Knowing these things for tracking purposes (and I feel accomplished when the numbers are good), but to not be constantly worried if I've put on a pound or two here or there. I just want to go by how I feel and look.

Now. Down to the food.

Day 1

Pre-Workout: Hard-boiled egg

Meal 1: 2 sausages (handmade from our local butcher--meat and spices only), 2 eggs, handful of cherry tomatoes, coffee with this amazing creamer.

Snack: Sweet potato w/olive oil and salt

Meal 2: 1 1/2 salmon steaks, brussel sprouts, carrots, sweet potatoes, apple, herbal tea

Snack: Handful of cherry tomatoes, 1/4 sweet potato, fried egg

Working out was good this morning. The hard-boiled egg was not. I had actually gotten to a point in my last whole30 where I didn't mind boiled eggs, but it looks like I've got some work to do before I get there again. I was super full after breakfast, and almost felt nauseous. I think my body has slidden (is that even a word?) off track just enough to be off-balance again, so my leptin levels probably need to work themselves out again. By the time I woke up from a nap with my guys at 12:30 I was super hungry, but couldn't eat lunch since we were going to the in-laws house for it, so I ate a sweet potato I had cooked earlier and it was SO GOOD. Dang. I forgot how much I love sweet potatoes. (Clearly, since I ate like 2 of them today).

I ate a lot of food at lunch, which was late, so I've just hit 7 p.m. and am not super hungry. Went for a "mini-meal", because I know it's important to eat at regular timing so that my hormones can stay in balance, but to be honest, all I want is a Diet Coke/glass of wine/bowl of ice cream.

Today has been good, although my stomach's been on-and-off sometime after 2 p.m. or so. Maybe it's just me mentally detoxing and my body's picking up on the cues, or maybe I was consuming more crap than I thought and actually have started detoxing. Who knows. Regardless, mentally I feel good about my fresh start and the day I've had. Physically, I don't feel great, but I know that's to be expected. 

Right. Okay. This was a super long intro post, but there you go. 

Feel free to leave your own food logs in the comments, and let me know how your first day went--I am so excited to hear from you all!

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sweat = love.

Yes, you read that right.

I love sweat.
Well, actually, maybe that should be I love to sweat.

You see, two years ago when I embarked on my fitness revolution, I had to take all of the mind games out of exercise and just start off really simply without over-thinking it all. I had to quit the "You must push yourself to the breaking point!" thoughts and just start moving my body for extended periods of time. Once I got that bit down, I found myself gradually rewiring my thinking and wanting to see what my body was capable. There was a subtle shift from exercise being a punishment for eating too much/being lazy/just feeling bad about myself to exercise becoming about rewarding my body for being awesome.

I ran my first 5k, then I ran another one, and then another one a year later and it was amazing. I discovered this new love for pushing myself mentally and physically and discovering what I was capable of. Then I gave birth au natural and took myself to whole new heights...

The point being, I've come to a place on my fitness/exercise/self-image journey where I've realized that sweating is a good thing--if I'm not sweating, I'm not working hard enough. And I don't mean that in a failure sort of way, I mean it in a "I know my limits and I am pushing them back" sort of way.

So talk to me here: where are you at with exercise and living a healthy lifestyle? Do you find it hard to even get started? Or have you come to a place where it's something you genuinely enjoy (in a strange, stress-relieving sort of way)?

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the beginning. again.

I downloaded a new app on my phone, called miCoach.
Couple that with myfitnesspal, and this girl's getting back into her fitness groove.

I decided to just start back at the beginning, instead of trying to pick it all back up in the middle, like from before I got pregnant.
Slow and steady wins the race, and loses those 15 pounds that are hanging out around my waist.

I still hate counting calories, and I still feel like a heifer when I run, but it's a start.
I'll get to where I want to go eventually, because I've done it before.
I've got a few dates in my head to motivate me to keep working out and watching what I put in my mouth. Plus, working out is my alone time now and Lord knows I can never have enough of that.

So for today, I am proud of myself.

And that, my friends, is good enough.

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