silence. [flashback friday]

Another post I found when looking in the "drafts" folder. Even though I'm not pregnant anymore, the sentiments remain the same. 

Confession: reading my Bible and spending time with the Lord has not been on my "Top 10 List of Things To Do" for the past few months.

I kept getting so caught up in everything else--the sheer exhaustion I felt when waking up every morning, the massive list of things I needed to get done before Jameson gets here, what I was going to eat that day, how I was going to survive the ache in my hips, etc.

I had started another daily Bible reading plan at the beginning of the year, and was doing okay for awhile, but my motivation slowly died out. This is also due to other life circumstances, but the roundabout point that I am making is that God has not been on the top of my priority list for awhile.

However, a few weeks ago I was hit with some pregnancy insomnia that had me out of bed at 6:30 am, sitting on the couch in silence. I figured that was as good a time as any to try and catch up on all of the scripture reading I had missed, so I made some coffee and got going. After figuring out where exactly I had left off and what was going on, I came across this passage:

"Like water spilled on the ground, which cannot be recovered, so we must die. But God does not take away life; instead He devises ways so that a banished person may not remain estranged from Him."

[2 Samuel 14:14]

Sitting in the silence of my living room, with the sun crawling through the blinds and a cup of coffee in my hands, it washed over me once again--God wants me.

I don't know why this is so hard for me to understand sometimes.

I don't know why it's so easy for me to sit and think about how far away I feel from God and come to the conclusion that I must have done something to get on His bad side, and He's just waiting until I grovel at His feet before He'll take me back.

I don't know why I have this fear that He's going to take away the blessings He's given me, because I haven't lived up to the "conditions" that they must come with.

Why is it that the weaknesses in our lives just keep showing up in different ways? Someday, I will beat this body of flesh and I will win the battle. Until then, I'm just going to keep going, because I can't do anything else.