scars still hurt when you scratch them

>> 6.16.2009

Two minutes ago, I was crying on the bathroom rug with these words wandering through my head (I'm now in the bedroom, because we can't get internet in the bathroom. Alas, my movie-like moments are always foiled).
I brought my wedding dress home with me after my recent trip to Utah. Folded it up in it's garment bag and tucked it in the bottom of my suitcase. Clearly, I opened it up and looked at it when I got home, but I put off trying it on because I was afraid.
So tonight, after watching some stupid t.v. show about couples finally deciding to take the plunge, I put it on.

I could barely get it over my hips.

I feel like my whole life is spent fighting the same battles and never winning. I can look back on my life and see that the things that I struggled with then are the things that I still struggle with now.

God, will I never have any victory?

I have spent so much of my life motivating myself to wake up in the mornings and just get. out. of. bed.
I have then spent those days trying to monitor what goes into my mouth, and the amount of exercise I do to burn it off.
It's so exhausting.

I remember being four years old and telling my mother that I thought I was fat. I would look at myself in the mirror and think that there was always something missing.
I grew up into a teenager that was attracted to the world and all it seemed to offer. I took the bait and gave into the lies that it fed me--I should always be happy, I should be 5'7" and weigh 110 pounds, and I should also be able to eat anything I want while lying by a pool, working on my tan.
I was blessed with two sisters who happen to be able to do just that, and not have the same results that I do. One was a gymnast and the other one was just a string bean with knobbly knees.
I have a mind that likes to attribute anything positive about itself to outside influences and suck in the negative things like a dry sponge.
And the horrible part is that I loved that wedding dress, but even when it slid over my hips on that day, I still wasn't happy with the person wearing it.

We've been married for a year (and two weeks) now.
When I pulled out my wedding dress, an odd and unexpected thing happened.
I started looking it over, noticing the dirty hem from dancing all night, and the loose beads from where my new husband put his hands around my waist, and I remembered all of the things that I was unsatisfied with on that day.

As wonderful as my wedding was, there are things that I'm not happy with.

However, as I thought about the past year as a wife, the only things that came to mind were how much more in love I am with my husband now than on that day and all of the times we've laughed together while living our life.

And maybe this is a small victory in itself.

Because if my mind has to pick something to be unsatisfied with, I would rather it be one day than an entire year.
There are things I would do differently now. But marrying that same man is not one of them.

I guess all of this is simply to say that I am now realizing that there are things that I may never overcome in this lifetime.
I may never weigh what I want to.
I may never outsmart the demons in my head.

But at least I will always know that I did one thing that I will never, ever regret.

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