>> 4.30.2008

That's what life is about.
It's learning to look past the hard parts and see the good things underneath the dirt.
It's learning to take God as He is, no less, and trusting that He sees the good parts of you, and understands everything you need.
It's learning to be free, and be who you are, even if it seems outrageous sometimes.
It's learning to consider yourself blessed, even if it all comes in a disguise.
It's learning to trust people you are afraid of, simply because they are people too.
It's learning to forgive when people let you down and hurt your heart, simply because they are sinful people- just like you.
It's learning to stop. and. breathe.
It's learning to smile at the sunrise instead of climbing back into bed and waiting for afternoon sunshine.
It's learning to cry at things that hurt, simply because they hurt.
It's learning to allow yourself to feel EVERYTHING, then to keep going, because God is bigger than all of that emotion.
It's learning to be satisfied right where you are, with who you are, and what you are.
And that is the hardest one of them all.

But we're learning, aren't we?


i am

>> 4.27.2008

getting married in almost a month...




Ten years ago I was sitting in my room, wondering how on earth I was going to make it in college without my family. Homesickness was the bane of my existence, and four years without my parents was my doom. Fast forward to right now- I've got a sparkly ring on my left finger, Chicago high-rise buildings out my window and furniture for my new apartment on order.
Five years ago I was laying on my floor, spread-eagled on the carpet and wondering how on earth I was going to get out of this place called Utah. My biggest goal in life was to be able to drive a car and pull in a regular paycheck while looking fantastic in the midst of it all. Four years away didn't scare me nearly as much, but if you had asked me in the middle of the night, I would have just shuttered and pulled the covers tighter. Now it's a semi-sanitized bubble that can still be shattered by a dingy looking black boy shouting obscenities and throwing rocks as you walk down the sidewalk. Pristine dreams are rocked as reality starts to creep back in-
this brings with it the question, what am I doing here?
Sometimes I feel so cloistered in my own life that when the blinds come off and my peripheral vision is back, I'm shattered by that question- what am I doing here?
What sort of a difference am I making?

Take a breath, and maybe the answers will start to flow through again.



>> 4.21.2008

I'm starting to wonder if God has given Satan the go-ahead to start causing me pain.
I feel like my mouth is one giant hole of hurt.



>> 4.20.2008

Well, it's not like I exactly had anything in mind, but sometimes the words just decide to come out when I give them the opportunity. This usually happens when emotions have been running pretty high and I've made some difficult decisions in my life. Thus, opportunity and words:

My wedding is coming closer and closer. This brings moments of terror and then moments of extreme joy. In 41 days I will be a married woman, and an offical adult. I will put on my white dress, walk down the aisle, and tell a man that I love him more than anyone else on this earth and that I promise to stand by him for the rest of our days. I will then kiss him and become his wife.
I cannot wait.
(I hope everything goes like it's supposed too.)

The end of my third semester at Moody is fast approaching as well. Big, scary papers are beginning to nibble at my brain and my caffeine tolerance has increased dramatically due to the fact that I drink it more than water. I feel like my brain is just a blanket full of holes and that all the knowledge is slipping out like sand, but then I look back on it all and realize that I've learned quite a lot more than I thought. Very often I wonder what I am doing here, but then the thought of working in a field I absolutely love comes to mind and I remind myself that this is the gateway to getting there. A few different job/practicum opportunites have popped up and I am so unbelievably excited. I'm not sure that I've ever had a passion for work like I do for this. It's the only field I can picture myself working in for the rest of my life and not feel like it was all pointless. It's actually something that sparks a fire in I'm going after it.

We get the keys to our apartment in three days so that we can start moving in. My mind has been overwhelmed with planning and decorating schemes. Who knew that themes could play such an important role in picking out furniture? At the end of the day, I've decided to try and recreate Paris. I love Europe, Paris especially, and I want my house to be a place I feel like I actually belong in- thus the other-side-of-the-world theme. I may have only been there for a few weeks, but Europe felt more like home than any other place. I can't wait to go back...I sincerely hope that God has plans to put my husband and I there long-term.

I've cut off ties that needed to be cut, and pulled out of a lot of things that weren't doing me any good. I feel like my heart has been pruned a bit, and although it is incredibly painful I have seen the benefit almost immediately. I feel like a more honest, genuine person that is honestly going after Christ, not just talking about it. I've begun to stop judging people on the outside and try to see the inside before I make any character calls. I've also realized that very often it is not about the actions, but about the person mixed up in those actions. This is a lot to explain, and something that I am just now figuring out, so let's just suffice it to say that I'm growing up a lot and I'm realizing just how incredible I am.
It's a nice feeling to know that I am a precious commodity and that my worth can't change. I like being secure, and this is about as secure as you can get.

So that's it.
The words came out, and now I can think straight for a little while longer.



>> 4.16.2008

I've just got to get this out so that I can move on and get things accomplished with my life. So here we go:

This whole wedding-moving-work-school deal is impossible. I cannot do it. And I know those are probably in the wrong order, but to be honest with you, that's probably pretty accurate of my level of concern for them all. I can't help it, and my life is freaking out.

I can't be in my room without falling asleep, waking up 2-5 hours later and kicking myself for even laying down in the first place. Although I know that it's what my body needs, right now my schedule does not allow for it, thus it was a mistake and I am extremely irritated. (In case you cannot tell, I have just experienced this feeling).

I don't want to work out, and I don't want to eat anymore fruit. I HATE keeping track of my calories and making sure that I burn at least 250 at every work out. I am making all this effort and I see no progress- please inform me why I need to keep going?? I hate being hungry all the time and worrying that by eleven o'clock I will have eaten all my calorie allowances for the day and I'm going to go to bed feeling like I have no stomach because it's digested itself.

I miss my fiance and I am tired of not being able to have a real conversation with him because we both have so much to do. We make every effort to see each other and say "hiiloveyoubye" when we can, but that is no substitute for being able to sit next to each other and really listen to what is going on inside the other's heart. This is no way to have a relationship and I am confident that if we weren't already as strong as we are, this semester would be ten times more hellish (aka, last semester).

Not really. Because I don't quit things, and because I won't quit this.
But I am damn well ready to pack my bags and head for anywhere else.



>> 4.10.2008

It's been awhile since I wrote anything seemingly positive, so here it is:

I am utterly in love and I love it.

The man that I gave my heart to is so above and beyond anything I ever expected. Don't get me wrong, he's got his flaws. We all do. But the honesty we've got and the connections we've created are so mind-blowingly amazing that I think it gets so hard for me to comprehend that I just gloss it over. Really though. Our love is a miracle. That's all there is to it.

Secondly, the way my God loves me is pretty miraculous as well. Even though I only comprehend this about 0.01% of the time, the fact that it still exists just shocks me. When I look at the way my fiance loves me, it reminds me of the way that God loves me. Except for the fact that God's love is so much better than human love- I literally cannot take this in, accept it, own it. It's too big and magnificent. I can only hope that one day I will love like that: that patient, that understanding, that accepting, that trusting, that vulnerable.

Love is such a powerful force. It's no wonder it is the only thing that can take the universe by storm. There's nothing else that can stand up to the hell that Satan tries to throw at us. In fact...since God is love, wouldn't it make sense that this is the only thing that can beat evil? Love is an extension of God, therefore it is greater than the devil and all of his "qualities". So that's it.
That's the answer, the solution, the silver bullet.
Love is the only thing strong enough to conquer the world.


falling back into the sun

>> 4.07.2008


I don't know, okay?
Things are moving's time, but it's scary. It's scary in a delicious, this-is-my-life way.
Who could have told me this is where I'd be and that's where I'm going?
I'm ready, but I need Your hand to hold as I jump off, okay?
I've always been nervous right before the punch.

I realize that you have no idea, and you're probably making a whole bunch of assumptions right now, but don't worry.
I'm going to make it again.
This is just a tiny glimpse of a picture too big for me to even see the whole thing.
And some day, when I find my owner's manual and can begin to explain myself, I'll paint you a picture and you'll look at it with me and realize that it was all so much more than we had even begun to think.
Dream big, sweetheart.


flat on your back [a view from the floor]

>> 4.02.2008

They say loneliness is the key to a phase of transition.
What they don't tell you is that once you find yourself completely alone, you're expected to build yourself back up again.
Also, no matter who you are and where you go and who you meet, people can't fill you up like that.
I guess I'm back on the ground staring up at the sky...
just a whisper.

"Even the encourager needs to be encouraged."
Sometimes I wish that these realizations would come a bit sooner.
I also wish that regrets would settle quickly and people would mend their wrongs instead of sweeping them under the table.
*Don't worry...this is probably not even about you.
**Even if it was, I'd never tell you.

I'm just here and I'm still waiting for someone to come home.
My heart seems a bit empty without You.
Maybe one day I'll learn how to do this.
Or not do this.
And maybe that's the key.

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