>> 5.06.2008

The city is so alive.
Step outside of yourself and begin to see that live keeps flowing all around you. You're a rock in the middle of a stream of people, but it all just keeps moving.

Skyscrapers have become my stars and pavement my green grass.
Iced lattes are my teddy bear and the homeless man in the corner is my Jesus reminder.
The scenery may change, but you will never touch my heart.
It's all the same in so many different and inexplicable ways.

Just don't forget who you are and where you came from, kid. You may become a native, but a homeland can't ever be replaced.

It's good to sit and think and stare at words on a screen for awhile. I'm eating blueberry muffins again, but it's different this time.
Once again, you can take the girl out of the place, but you can't take the heart out of the girl.
I love the ironic of my life.


something determined

>> 5.05.2008

I think I have figured something out.
Men and women were designed to be best friends with each other.
However, this was/is to make marriage function properly and fully.
That's why those brother-like/sister-like friendships always end with someone developing an intense crush on the other one: because it's supposed to happen that way.
I think God made it so that friendships between men and women would slowly delve into emotional closeness that would then evolve into romantic/physical/marry-me attraction.
That's also why I think that friendships with men and women need to be treated so carefully. To me, it's like holding an egg and warming it up and feeding it (or however that happens) and then asking it not to hatch. Obviously, it's going to crack open sooner or later. You can choose to only nurse it a little so that the time for it to hatch never comes. But that also involves choosing lines or creating boundaries so that you don't accidentally open your little egg of romance.

I'm sure that there are many out there that think I am a co-dependent woman for thinking like this, but my reasoning really isn't that far off. Obviously God gave us friendships with other women (and men with other men) for sanity and things like facials and chick-flicks and chocolate. I need my girls. My fiance needs his boys. It's how we were designed. But I also think that God designed the closest friendship in a human-being's life to occur with their spouse. My fiance is my best friend, and because of that I trust him more than I trust anyone else in my life- even my girl friends. He knows things about me and pieces of my mind that no one else knows because we have started to tap that level of emotional closeness that only comes with a male-female bond. (I'm staring to sound like some scary Christian relationship therapist. Ew. I just wanted to sort my thoughts out on this is all.)

I think that's why it's such a cautionary thing for me when I see people in relationships having close friendships with people other than their spouse (or fiance or whatever). You're walking a line and you're gonna fall off somewhere unless you rope yourself in. To be honest, I'm not really comfortable doing something or going somewhere alone with another guy that is not my fiance. I have other guy friends...but that's just weird to me. Why would I do that? What's the point? I don't need to go out for coffee to maintain a good friendship with a guy friend of mine. I also don't think my fiance needs to go out for dinner with one of his girl friends without me. Why can't I come? What would they be talking about that I shouldn't be able to listen to?

Am I way off the mark here? Am I co-dependent and suffocating?
I don't think so...these are just observations that I've gathered while watching other people fall apart over things like this. Sometimes I think some things are just so RIGHT THERE, but the whole world can't seem to see them.
Enough psycho-therapy for a night.
(I've kind of grossed myself out a bit, to be honest.)


a diamond is forever

I watched it and I understood.
More than I should have. More than I wanted to.
The questions don't have any answers, any more than the answers are valid.
And they were right- it's not about death. It's about love.

In so many more ways than one.


sarcasticly cynical

>> 5.04.2008

I feel like I am drowning to death in a sea of macaroni and cheese.
I just want to go outside and breathe.


just because

>> 5.03.2008

I'm getting married doesn't mean that I automatically have the mindset or physical tenacity of a thirty-five year old.
I am nineteen years old and I am living in Chicago.
I still want to go hang out at 11:30, even if that just means sitting at a coffee shop with a bunch of friends.

This is ridiculously out of control.


a bowl of mac and cheese

>> 5.02.2008

Does profound come over this?
It feels like it ought to.
But maybe that's my problem.
Feel has been my primary vocabulary word for the past few days:
"My mouth feels okay."
"My teeth feel like they're shouting at me."
"The pasta is getting caught on my stitches and it makes me feel like I want to cry!"


I don't do this suffering thing well. For the first few days I had the Anne of Green Gables attitude, you know, thinking about how great it was that I could sleep and do homework without any other commitments.
Then the time came where a commitment came up (to another person, so I couldn't just not do it) and I turned myself inside out.
I am now back to hurting and telling people about it.

Some thoughts:
Sometimes God brings blessings in extremely odd-looking packages (aka a $2300 tooth removal and general anesthetic) but they look like inconveniences or even things that are going to make your life fall apart. However, it's all about where you're at with God and where you're at in life that makes it possible for you to delineate between the two.

Sometimes it is okay to spend days on your own in your room just reading and discussing how much you dislike sitting in your room by yourself with God. This generally leads to things that are going on beneath the surface that you and God probably wouldn't have covered had you walked out the door in preparation to see someone else and put your "together" look on your face.

Sometimes you have to love people regardless of when they take your advice to such an extreme that they turn into a scary monster and you're not really sure who they are, but you're almost ready for them to go back to pretending. But then, you cannot EVER tell them this and you just have to support them through their time of self-exploration and reminding them that you love them no matter what (or who) they turn into.

Sometimes it is okay to sit in your sweatpants at 6:30 on a friday night and not want to wash your face or change your clothes and just be a loser for awhile. Especially if you have four tooth cavities stitched over in your mouth.

Oh, and drinking juice every day really clears up your complexion.

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