May 1

Born a chubby little girl around Christmas time in 1988. Spent the first 18 years of my life  living in Salt Lake City, Utah, surrounded by mountains I didn't appreciate until I left and so many family members that we always had food bursting out of houses during our holidays.

In third grade, Mom decided to try something called "homeschooling". I just knew that it meant I got to stay home and learn about what I wanted, instead of sitting in a classroom and being bored for half of the day. My education consisted of strange things like running around the house to figure out how quickly the Earth, Mars, and Pluto revolved around the sun, preparing and hosting a medieval feast, complete with faux pig's head, and dissecting a worm on the kitchen counter.

I left for college at Moody Bible Institute in Chicago when I was barely 18. It was January, and we took a 40-hour train ride to get there. I met my husband within two weeks of arriving, and got engaged five months after that. We got married ten months later and moved into the tiniest apartment you ever did see, in the ghetto-est of neighborhoods. Some of my best memories involve that little studio.

Two years later, we moved to England, I gave birth to our first child, and 2 1/2 years after that, we moved back to Utah and found out that we're going to have a second child sooner than expected.
And that is that.

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currents. [August]

evidence of how much I miss Mr. Potter.

Reading: Since it's that time of year, I've started the Harry Potter books again. I just love them way too much to not read them more than once, and really, I miss Hogwarts. Each time around I notice something new, and I am continually in awe of J.K. Rowling's writing and how well she communicates with her audience. 
I've also just started "The Scorpio Races" by Maggie Stiefvater. I'm not sure how I feel about it yet, but it's gotten a lot of good reviews, so here's hoping. I finished a trilogy that she wrote not too long ago, and although I wasn't blown away, there was promise there, so...I'll keep you posted.

Watching: My usual brain candy, although Hubs got the documentary channels for me, so I've been watching some educational tv. Ha. We're working our way through season 3 of 'Modern Family', and I've decided it's got to be one of my favorite shows ever. The writing is simply brilliant, and the characters are hilarious. Seriously. I watch it any time I'm in a bad mood, and it always makes me smile.

Listening: I recently discovered Ben Howard, and have been obsessed ever since. I love, love, love his album and his voice.
Also, Taylor Swift's new song has been stuck in my head, much to Hubs despair. I'll admit, it's not her best work, but it's catchy and I love her anyway. 
And, of course, there's always "Row, Row, Row, Your Boat" and "Wind the Bobbin". 

Eating: Oh, gluten. The bane of my existence. I'm sure I've talked about it a little bit before, but I've really got to get back on the gluten-free bandwagon. My problem is just how expensive it is to buy "freefrom" groceries, and the time that goes into figuring out GF meals to make. Not to mention that all of my favorite foods happen to be made out of bread and flour, and I have little to no willpower when it comes to pancakes. But really. I've got to stop. I've got headaches every day, stomach pain, and major anxiety/depression issues that need to calm themselves and I am 99% sure that the cause of it all is the dreaded gluten. Dang it.

Thinking: About home and how much I life in America. Also about how I am kind of excited for fall, but I won't let myself look forward to it, because I feel like I got gypped out of a summer here. 
About politics and how my views have changed in immense ways ever since I moved out of the country and started living life outside of the States.
And about how wonderful it was to see familiar faces over the last few weeks, how it reminded me of the life I used to live, and the person I used to be, and the possibility that she's still in there somewhere.
It's hope, and I miss that.

Alright, folks, give me your currents as well.

Stick your posts in the link-up below so that we can get some suggestions/ideas for things to read/watch/listen/think for the next month!

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the have and have nots.

just a moment.

For the last few weeks, I kind of feel like I've focused on the ligher, more surface-y side of life.

The weekend chronicles, the ridiculous mom-wear that I sport, the random thoughts I have during massages...

But there's always something there, just simmering under the surface and I don't know what to do with it.

Jameson is nearly 13 1/2 months old. I should be far beyond the "adjustment" period of life with a child. My body has officially replenished itself of all the nutrients and things that Jameson took while he was growing. I've lost all the baby weight and a little bit extra. I should be back to normal.

So why am I not?
Why do I still wake up in a fog, and still feel so exhausted at the thought of all the things to come?
Why is living such a difficulty, and why am I swallowed up in guilt about things so small that they shouldn't really matter?
Why does this darkness come in waves, and snatch away the good moments that I do have?
Why can't I just put a name and a face to this monster, so that I know how to fight it?

Part of me knows that some of this stems from where we live and the situation that we're in.
After so much defeat in England, I feel like I've kind of emotionally died inside a little, almost as a form of self-preservation. I've put up a lot of walls to dull the emotion so that I don't have to deal with the pain of failure and difficulty that we're experiencing.

I don't see the wonder in the rain anymore, or glory in a field full of flowers.
I don't find meaning in the wind, or dream about the passions that I used to have.
I don't do things just to do them anymore, because that takes energy that I don't possess.

And that makes me sad, because I know that I'm somewhat of a shell of who I used to be.
It's like living life in black and white and gray instead of the vibrant colors I used to see.

And I just want to heal.
I just want to be happy, and to laugh without it taking effort, and to be vibrant and passionate and bursting with life.

So I will keep moving. Keep living.
Keep waking up in the morning and taking deep breaths.
Because what else can I do?

--linking up with The Wiegand's

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scribbles and dots.

Out of focus, and beautiful.

Today has been...just one of those days.
And by those days I mean it has been just another day in this life that I'm trying to figure out and live in the moment of.

I went to the gym, found out I lost a pound, came home and ate 1/4 of my breakfast that turned out to be off. I just chalked that up to less calories and more weight off, but then I was hungry, so Hubs and I had a baguette and cheese for lunch and it was delicious.

Then I took a nap and slept for an hour, but it felt like five and I could have slept all day. I've been so tired lately and I just cannot figure out why. All the paranoid pregnancy tests I've been taking have been coming back negative and I'm exercising and drinking lots of water so it is not making sense to me.
Maybe it's still just being a mom.

I'm cooking toads-in-the-hole and roast potatoes tonight and I feel like I've finally succumbed to the English diet. Oil, bland palates, and potatoes. I mean, it tastes good and it fills you up, but there's just a little bit of American in me that dies every time I mix up a batch of Bisto.

There are words to be written, and bathrooms to be cleaned, and things to be sorted, and to-do lists to cross off and I just can't bring myself to do any of it.
That seems to be another one of the recurring themes around here--my inability to "get it together" and actually get things done.
I wonder if I'll ever actually grow up and be the responsible adult that I'm supposed to be.

--linking up with just write.

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mondays.

"Oh hey mom. Get it together."

"I've got a bad case of the Mondays."

That phrase sounds so oldy-person to me, but I'm feeling it today.

I think it's because this weekend was so full, and I'm feeling so weighted down with all of the things that I've got to finish this week--preferably sooner rather than later.

And being a mom is such a weird job, because your work is never done--I mean, how do you look at a day and say, "Yes, I successfully taught/disciplined/directed/respected/loved my child enough today. The quota was met, the job was well done."
You can't really, because there's never too much of any of that stuff.
Which is kind of hard for me, because I like gold stars, and checklists, and crossing things off.

I think that sometimes I just need to cut myself some slack, and get off my high-horse of importance.
--the world doesn't revolve around me, so it's not going to fall apart if I fall behind a little.
Which is nice, but also kind of a shot to your ego, if you think about it too much.

Anyway.
I'm tired. Hubs is tired.
There's a bottle of wine chilling in my fridge and fancy cheese that Hubs surprised me with yesterday, and brain candy waiting on the DVR.

I think it's time to call it a night.

--linking up with  The Naptime Review

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dear [blank]

dear English weather: thank you for cooperating and allowing me and my family to spend some time outside the past two days. Having some Vitamin D production kick up in my body has been amazing.

dear Jameson: I just love you, bubba. Your four top teeth are solidly in and you got your first big bonk the other day. You were such a trooper though, crying for a minute and then chewing on the ice pack we tried to put on your head. You're my boy, and I am so proud to be your momma.

dear Olympics: It's nothing personal, but I'm just not into you this year. Maybe it has to do with Hubs recent obsession with every single sport you offer, or the fact that I missed the build-up around the American athletes, but I just haven't caught the spirit. Sigh. Maybe the trip to London tomorrow will help.

dear Hubs: Thanks for being you. You're my best friend, and I know I say it a lot, but it's true--you're the love of my life and I just wouldn't make it without you.

dear America: I miss you. As usual. Stop making stupid decisions while I'm gone, okay? Thanks.

dear Self: Get it together and get to the gym. And get your work done. And stimulate your child. And clean the house. And stop trying to be so put-together all the time.

--linking up with The Wiegand's

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free flow.

I got a massage and a facial today.

It was a redeemed groupon that I'd bought a million years ago (it seemed like), and I finally got everything together so that Hubs could stay with Jameson and I could go off and pretend that I was a woman of means and I didn't have to count every single penny I spent that day.

And it was the strangest thing (since I've never had a massage before, and have literally dreamed of getting one for as long as I can remember), but as I was laying there I just kept having this thought of, "How on earth can you think you deserve this? This is so indulgent. You should not have bought this--this money would have been better spent elsewhere." I was fighting to make my brain and my body relax so that I could just enjoy this time, this hour of silence and quiet and indulgence. And it was hard.

And I still can't figure out why.

--linking up with just write.

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saving my life.

Chicago.

the sun has been my salvation and brought deep happiness and satisfaction to my life for the last three days. finally.

my other son is always an essential part of saving my life and keeping me buckled to reality. he is my sunshine, my joy, my wonder and there are many times that I think I would have stopped living if he wasn't here.

the promise of our first family-of-three vacation that is going to be happening in two months is saving my life. planning out the sights we're going to see and the hotels we're going to stay at and the food we're going to be eating--right now, Germany and Austria are keeping me going.

as always, my husband is ever saving my life. he makes me laugh, and roll my eyes, and smile. he is my constant companion, my best friend, and my soulmate.

"be still and know that I am God." [psalm 46:10]
these words are the lifeline right now.
-the only promise that I am able to cling to as the storms weather on.
-the only action I am able to take as the beating continues.
-the only thing I am able to meditate on as the doubt creeps in.

still. know. God.

-linking up with Sarah Bessey

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