my feet are wet and my hair's a mess.

I'm tired and messy this morning.
I absolutely hate this feeling.

It gets in your way and makes you feel inadequate and unworthy.
I would just like to run home, crawl back into bed, and sleep next to my husband for a long time.

I do not want to babysit today.
I don't want to go to class, or go running, or deal with the rain.

I do not want to be a grown-up today.

God, how do I do this?
How do I tackle the miserableness of days like today and keep going, while looking good at the same time?
How do I change this nagging attitude resonating through my brain, and come out with something truly genuine?

I'm so tired of being confronted by my human inadequacy every day.
Maybe this means I have pride issues.
Or maybe God's just trying to knock it into my head that this life cannot be done alone.

[insert long sigh here]

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success.

I lost 10 pounds over the summer.

That is equivalent to both of my cats, plus a little extra.

I am so proud of myself. I figured that maybe other people could be proud of me too.

Anyway...that is all. : )

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If only...

Can you imagine?
Just picture Chicago with even half the cars and twice as many bikes.
People would be nicer, the air would be cleaner, and we'd all get exercise.

Oh, the dream.

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come on

I'm finding You in between the lines.
I'm finding You, open up my eyes.
Give me time.
Because Your love is so alive.

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thank you

to everyone that did not make fun of me for grieving over a cat.
to everyone that said, "I'm so sorry. Hang in there".
to everyone that smiled sympathy at me.

You are so appreciated.

Today, instead of focusing on all of the things in my life that I could complain about, I am going to focus on the blue sky I saw this morning on my bike, and the sailboat in Lake Michigan, and the silhouetted skyline of Chicago.

I'm going to remember the wonderful women I got to spend some time with last night, and the perfect-fit husband that I came home to.

I'm going to be so thankful that my knee has healed up enough to pedal a bike, and that I somehow managed to get a hair appointment for tonight.

I'm going to smile because school starts in two weeks, and this is my very last semester of college. I'm going to have a Bachelor's Degree by Christmas.

So God....

Thanks.

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weight.

Grief is such a weird thing.
It's heavy, like a weight.
You carry it around with you, and sometimes there are moments that you can forget about it, but it always comes rushing back down on you afterwards.
It sucker-punches you in the gut, and takes away your air.

Now, please let me say that I understand that all of this is not the biggest tragedy going on right now.
And really, I am moving on, and going to work, and all of that.
This isn't the kind of hurt that makes me unable to crawl out of bed in the mornings or put on clothes.

It's just...I miss her. A lot.

I keep trying to go look for her.
I'll hear a noise in the kitchen and wonder what she's crawled onto this time.
I'll open the front door as little as possible so she can't run out.

But she's not here anymore.

My lovely husband bought me a dozen red roses and had them waiting for me, along with a letter, when I got home from Utah.
I smiled, and then I cried in her kitty bed.

Sometimes I roll my eyes at myself, being so emotional over a cat.
And then other times I just keep swallowing, so that the lump in my throat doesn't crawl out and become tears.

It's gonna be okay.
We're okay.
This is not the end of the world, or even the end of the day.
Sometimes, I just want to hold her.
And I can't.

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ache.

I miss you already, Ava baby.
See you in heaven, okay?
Love you...
Mommy

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