through the looking glass: 12.09

And...here we are.

Christmas break in Utah is over, I have graduated from college, and am working on getting settled in to "real life".

I'm sitting in Starbucks and thinking about how completely surreal this moment is. It's 3:24 pm on a Thursday afternoon and I have no pressing engagements anywhere. No homework to worry about or papers to desperately scribble out. I've been to the gym today, made my bed this morning, and cuddled with my cat.
There is no rush.

It's weird, because I almost feel a void where the rush was. Like I'm leaning forward on my tiptoes to overcompensate for the huge gust of stress that I am sure must be coming. Almost like I'm looking for something to worry about so that I'll have a "purpose" in my daily life.

I'm beginning to realize that I have forgotten how to live.

There is nothing wrong with goals, and work, and college degrees. However, they tend to suck away at you, and make you forget the purpose behind everything you're doing. Suddenly the work becomes the purpose, and you put your whole self into that.
But then the work finishes up, and you are left looking for something to do, so that your life can feel useful again.

I'm trying to remind myself that the reason I worked so hard was to get to this spot in time, this moment where I can sit and be free of nagging obligations or stresses. But (there's always a but, isn't there?) it's difficult. I seem to be realizing that I have always measured myself according to the tasks I was completing, the jobs I was getting done.

To be honest, I think I am afraid of this looming emptyness.
I am afraid of being looked over and left behind.

I don't want to be the one waiting while everyone else gets on with their life.
But really, what does getting on with life even look like?

So, in the wake of the New Year, here are my goals (or ambitions. Maybe that's a better word) for keeping myself focused on right now.

Be the best wife to my husband that I possibly can.
That is who God has called me to serve, and I want to do it with the best of my ability.

Focus on getting my body healthy, and watch the kind of food I am putting into it.
I want to spend as many years of my life with said husband as possible.

Re-discover my relationship with the Lord and the passion I have to serve Him.
For so long the world has gotten in the way, but I am making a statement for the public to read, that God needs to be my number one priority again. Finding a purpose isn't going to come without that.

So, here we go, 2010!