time.

>> 4.07.2011

I guess it's time.
I'm sitting here, in my living room on a thursday afternoon while the sky is blue and there is sun shining in through my windows, and I'm trying to realize that spring is coming and this is symbolic in more ways than one.

Since I've always been honest on here, I guess there is no reason why that should stop being the case now.

We've been living in this country for just over five months now. 
We arrived with eight suitcases on a freezing and rainy November 1, and since then, life has consisted of working through each new day that has been thrown at us.
When we first arrived, we were empty of things, but full of hope. We had literally stripped ourselves of our possessions and brought with us what we could carry, along with the baby growing in my belly and the belief that this was going to be the place for us.
We were finally going to put roots down, settle in, and make a life for ourselves. We had the promise of a job with a good-looking outcome for Hubs, the knowledge that I could work anywhere I found myself, and the belief that soon we would be able to start "moving up" in the world.
No more cockroach infested apartments, or budgeting until we were blue in the face.

Reality check.

The job was not what it first appeared to be, and although we held onto it's promise for so long, it has recently become clear that there is no way it is going to work.
I lost all but one of my clients, not due to anything I had done, but simply because business models are changing and I didn't fit in anymore. Not only that, but I am now in my third trimester, and finding clients only to tell them that I will be taking six months of maternity leave after the baby is born, is not really ideal.
This country is expensive, with hidden fees and other things lurking around different corners, and somehow we did not find out about it all until we got here.
This is a different place, one that I don't really fit into all that well. I'm so much more 'American' than I thought I was, and although I have found friends, I am struggling to be myself and have that be okay. I find myself holding back, and taming myself down in order to fit into the landscape, and although this is okay, it means that no one really knows who I am and likes me for it.


I have been angry at God for a long time. 

I felt like He had clearly led us to this place, obviously opened doors and allowed us to walk through them.
My spousal visa came through in three weeks, which is nearly unheard of. 
We had the promise of this job, and security, and the opportunity to make a life somewhere we thought we wanted to be.
We got pregnant with our baby at exactly the right time so that all of the tiny little dreams I had worked out.

This was supposed to be it for us.

I felt like God gave us the promise of these dreams, and for all intents and purposes, it looked like they were going to be fulfilled.
Now, five months later, this is not the case.
And to be honest, I've hesitated to share with anyone about it, simply because I didn't want to put up with the pitiful looks, and the nice "Christiany" sentiments comparing us to Job or listening to "Footprints in the Sand" being quoted at me.
I'm not trying to be sarcastic or offensive, these things are comforting in the right time and place, it's simply that this situation can't be fixed with a nice, neat answer.

In fact, all I've got right now is this:
"So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." [Matt. 6:31-34]

I've read this passage at least fifty times.
But look at it. Really look at it.
What's the promise?

God knows what I need. 
If I seek after Him, He will provide for my needs. 
Today.
And that's all we're given. No promise for tomorrow.
In fact, I'm told to not even look at tomorrow, because I've got to focus on getting through today.

The past five months have been about God whittling away this entitled part of me, and putting it to death. It means that He is taking all of my desires, be they selfish or not, and simply giving me one day at a time to live through. He is meeting my most basic needs, and He is forcing me to accept the fact that this is all I am allowed to expect from Him.

I hate this.
I don't understand the ultimate reason or purpose that God allowed us to come here and find ourselves in this situation.
I can't pretend to be happy and joyful, when inside there is still (it's much smaller, but it's there) a part of me that screams, "Why can't I have this? What is so wrong with wanting this or needing this that You won't just let me have it?"

However, there is a light at the end of it all, and even though it's small, it's there.
My husband and I have never been so happy or strong in our marriage. Life is becoming pure, in that we have so little, that we are truly learning to indulge in such small moments.
My son, my son, is growing and is healthy inside of me, and I get to meet him in such a short amount of time and finally hold the baby that I ached over for so long.
I so appreciate the incredible people that God has allowed me to find. The close friendships that I have are truly unique, because I have yet to find one like them in another country, and I now realize just how amazing the people are who love me despite knowing me completely.
We are still surviving, and still making it through each day, incredibly.
Although some days I wake up, and it feels like there is no way that we're going to make it, we always do. And one day at a time, we're continuing to get through this.
I don't know how we are, but we are.

And so that's it.
I've avoided coming here for so long, because I wasn't ready to hash this out on a public forum, and I just wasn't ready to be completely honest about my life.
Maybe I'm still not.
However, the window is open now, and maybe sometime in the future I'll be able to open the door and let all twelve of you in.
But for now, this is what I've got. 

8 thoughts:

Dori Anderson April 7, 2011 at 8:14 AM  

One day at a time- it's a hard way to live, because we long for security- we are taught to be responsible and prepare for the future- but no one can see the future except God, so our security must be in Him. It is a frightening life, but one full of joy and wonder as we see God meet our needs daily, and often throw in bonus desires as well. We make our plans, but God directs our steps, As your mom told me once, "Never doubt in the darkness what you knew in the light." Praying for you three! lots of love, Dori

Dori Anderson April 7, 2011 at 8:14 AM  

One day at a time- it's a hard way to live, because we long for security- we are taught to be responsible and prepare for the future- but no one can see the future except God, so our security must be in Him. It is a frightening life, but one full of joy and wonder as we see God meet our needs daily, and often throw in bonus desires as well. We make our plans, but God directs our steps, As your mom told me once, "Never doubt in the darkness what you knew in the light." Praying for you three! lots of love, Dori

Kari Kotter April 7, 2011 at 8:18 PM  

I know this seems like a stupid line...but I know EXACTLY how you feel! We may be going through different trials, but I feel like the feelings are similar. I too have been struggling, and I mean REALLY struggling, with anger and trying to understand why this would be the plan for me. Why would I be the one chosen to go through these trials? But, I'm learning slowly that I am truly blessed (and so are you!). And instead of asking the question "Why me?" We need to be asking the question "Why not me?" God has placed us in these hard predicaments because we are strong Women of God and these trials will not overcome us. We will use our strength given from God to grow from them. They will strengthen us! I love you Cami!

Carrie April 8, 2011 at 12:29 PM  

We are exactly where you are right now, too. What now, God? (What I really mean is, "what about tomorrow, God?") Our plans that we considered God's plans have not worked out, and we have no idea what's next for us. Wish it was easier, but it's definitely not. It is encouraging, though, to see - as you do - that He really does come through on a daily basis, much to my utter lack of understanding.

Sarah April 14, 2011 at 7:13 PM  

Hi Camille,

We don't know each other...I found your blog through someone else's blog who knows someone else who knew someone else that I used to know...anyway, I just want to say that this post is inspiringly honest.

I remember when I was living in another country I actually cried because I couldn't find Kraft macaroni and cheese in the grocery stores and I was really craving it! The littlest, silliest things would upset me. Cultural adjustment is more difficult than people think, and I imagine that while being pregnant it is even worse....not to mention the maddening difficulty of trusting God when things appear to have gone awry. I am sure you will grow a lot as a person and in your relationship with God as you go through this, and it sounds from your post like you're embracing this trial as an opportunity for growth. I think that's awesome.

Kacie May 7, 2011 at 10:37 PM  

Camille, you don't know me, but I happened to stumble here by jumping around from facebook to facebook to blogs. I met Daveo when he was new at Moody, I was graduated but still helped out with the international student orientation every year. So in any case...

I just read a few of your posts on here and I love your honesty... and I really feel for your journey. My hubby grew up in England (we'll be there for my best friend's wedding this summer actually), and one day I may face the same cultural adjustments. If I don't, we may move to Asia and then my husband will.

Regardless, moving to Dallas four years ago was suuuuch a long, lonely, empty journey. It took two years to feel like I had my feet on the ground and actually had friends. Depressing. Good for me, ultimately.

And... I just had a baby boy in December, and it's the most beautiful thing ever. It's a little hard on the marriage though - trying to stay connected while balancing life and work and baby.

So... I have no words of advice, just wanted to say I feel you, and it's not easy.

eliseloyola May 9, 2011 at 9:45 PM  

Thank you for this. For being honest and expressing some things I've been feeling for years. Oh the battles we face and fight moment by moment.

I love you and miss you all the more.

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