>> 5.11.2012

I bought a maxi dress for £10 today.
It was money we don't really have, but it gave me the hope of a summer and the feeling of caring about what I looked like for a half an hour, so it was probably worth it.

I have got to break out of this funk.

I've lost the eloquence and elegance I once possessed.
Right now I'm working out of a desperate attempt to grab what I used to have, and it's strange...my entire life has been spent pining for the future, for the day when I "arrive". But now, I'm pining for the past. I lay in bed at night, and close my eyes, and do my best to recreate where I used to be, the sights and sounds and smells of it all, and it helps me sleep, and escape the place that I am in.

(Wow, cause that didn't sound depressed and sad AT ALL.)

I wonder what it means that all of my dreams have sunlight in them, and that when I dream about the future (which is rare, because it's not really worth it anymore), the biggest thing I notice is the sunshine streaming through my imaginary windows, and the t-shirt I am wearing because it's warm.

(This isn't even coherent anymore).

It's a struggle here, to be honest.
It's a struggle in every facet of my life--
being a mom
being a wife
being a follower of Christ
and everything in between.

I had a thought the other day, after my mom wrote me a letter reminding me that I will never be enough for Jameson, and that I was never meant to be. I was meant to fail him, because he needs to find Christ through my failures. My inadequacies should lead him right back to the God that loves him even more than I do, and the cracks in my human self should be the place that Christ shines through.

I keep trying to tell myself that, night after night of trying to get him to go to sleep and sobbing because I just feel like I've done everything wrong.

Sometimes I go through these periods of deciding to be a "real" writer, and cleaning my act up: writing things with thought and flow that make sense and sound nice.
And then I always stumble back into the raw, messy part where I vomit words onto a page and it's all for me, because I just can't write for you anymore.
I don't even know who you are, so how am I supposed to know what you want?

2 thoughts:

The Winkler's May 11, 2012 at 10:43 AM  

hey girl.

thanks for your "vomit" of thoughts. OHHH how i understand them!!

I feel the same way as a songwriter. Weeks and months will go by without any songs, and I, more often than not, couldn't begin to articulate how i feel in the first place. It's a weird cycle, and it sounds like you with writing.

Sometimes ill get a burst of energy to songwrite, and then when I pick up my guitar I have nothing to say.

Prayer has been encouraging me lately in this endeavor. When I get frustrated lately, I cry out and ask God to give me beautiful, redemptive things to say, and to clear my mind for me.The problem with this, for me at least, is that so often my motives are SO mixed. I want to have something to say for recognition, and so I feel more purpose in life. It is a tangly, sinful mess, so I'm praying God will sort through that too.

Being a mama and wife in the everyday is SO challenging, in part because you must constantly preach truth to yourself, and about yourself...who God says you are, and why this has kingdom value. I can speak for living away from family too, but I cannot imagine living an ocean away. My heart goes out to you for that, and I pray you and Daveo find so much day to day, kingdom purpose in the life you lead in England!!!

I'm right there with you. Just wanted you to know!!

p.s. Ells finally started sleeping through the night last month, at 17 months. A few months ago I would have said she wouldn't EVER do it. I know Jameson is a crazy sleeper too, and I just want you to know there WILL be a day. I'm a believer!!! We just have late bloomers!

Anonymous,  May 11, 2012 at 10:58 AM  

I know we don't know each other, but knowing your parents and loving them I really like what your mom wrote, but not only failing at times as a mother, but also as a wife, a Christian, etc. it just seems to help when you fail because then there's hope of something better, something to look forward to because you know it's all going to get better. Sometimes when you write I feel like you're in my head. We moved away from SLC 7 months ago and it's been a tough and lonely road in a lot of ways. Moving with a new baby was probably not a good idea and for a place that was suppose to have comparable sunshine like SLC, well, winter was full of clouds. I experienced about 8 weeks of depression recently that seemed to get worse with the cloudy days. The depression came on as a result of now being pregnant with our second baby.....man,totally different symptoms this time around. Anyway, I'm out of the funk now with some sunny days and the realization that not everything is perfect in life, but that's why this earth wasn't meant for us forever. But, there's always hope for something new and brighter and I know it's coming around the corner...we just have to push on as mothers, wives, Christians, family. I feel for you though. I have found there's nothing worse than experiencing sunless days and longing for a place you once lived that has that. Hope you guys can sort it all out and I'm sure your parents would love to have you back! Take care! Lisa

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