write what you know
>> 4.16.2015
I've been blogging for a long time. A little over ten years actually. In that time, I've gone from being an angsty teen, pouring out her emotions all over the interwebz, to entering a mommy-blogger-wannabe phase in which I really struggled with marketing myself and attempting to monetize my blog and profit off of it, and now finally landing in this strange area where I am so much a mother and so deep in my own mire that I have often wondered if there is any point in trying to keep this thing going.
You may have gathered this by now, but I am struggling with the value and purpose of my own story.
It feels like everyone else, it seems like I have nothing new to contribute to the conversation, and I remain unconvinced that I need to add to the virtual noise that is currently streaming around us.
Unfortunately for me (and maybe you, if you're stuck reading this), I have never, ever, ever, throughout my entire life, been able to turn off the word faucet. I've tried many times, and I've gotten it to dry up to a trickle, but it remains steadfastly flowing and moving, whether I want it to or not. Which always leaves me here, in a quiet room with fingers tapping and a brain trying to translate all the electrical pulses flowing through it into coherent words and sentences, like:
Inadequacy
-This is a supreme emotion, one that tears through my body with free reign, wreaking havoc and chaos wherever it goes. It tells me that I am not enough, have never been enough, and will not ever be enough. It declares, loudly and triumphantly, "You lose, you fail, you fall short, you are worthless for even trying, so just give up already." It attacks at all angles, leaving no area of my life untouched, and no accomplishment unblemished. It has tormented me for as long as I can remember, and even though I feel like I have gotten much stronger at battling it, there are still seasons where it just seems to be lurking around every corner.
Selfishness
-This sneaky bugger whispers that only truly selfish women believe that they should have a purpose outside of motherhood (which, interestingly enough, means that it co-mingles with pride) and for me to take time away from my family, or even feel like I deserve time away, means that I am filled with the utmost of selfish longings and am once again, inadequate in so many areas.
Disappointment
Ah, the sting of an unfulfilled dream and a life left un-lived. Blessed as I am, there are too many moments (selfishness) where I find myself wondering what it is that I'm doing and why. This is often followed by long diatribes in which I moan about how I'm too young to be married and have two children, and mourn the loss of the life I could have had, had I made a different choice: (insert life choice here)
And so there you have it.
The ugly, rambling impulses of my brain that is chronically sleep-deprived, ridiculously overworked, and probably under-nourished. Heaven knows why I'm even putting this out there, but I think it's because I just can't let the toxicity of it all keep building up in my brain and the internet seems as good a place as any to dump your baggage.
Voila, interwebz. The drama continues.
Posts
3 thoughts:
You aren't alone! I find, during seasons of feeling so "fleshly" in my desires, inadequacies and General "blahness" about life, that Romans 8 is super helpful for me. I don't want to shove scripture in your face, but instead gently point you toward encouragement. I'd also love to chat with you via. Facebook messenger if you're interested. :) xoxo
Ah, so much of this is me, and I too can't stop writing. For me most of it is wrapped around this insatiable need to know that I am meaningful. I want to know that my life is meaningful, my work is meaningful, I am useful, I am succeeding.
Motherhood is overwhelming, and I want ministry and work outside of it. Not in place of it, but outside of it. Unfortunately I feel so useless, so careerless, so insecure about what I can do, so unqualified. I compare myself to my husband, and I get frustrated when I feel like he and everyone naturally encourage his career but assume that mine will work itself out with time, and I should just be patient with this motherhood stage. I wish people would fight for my work too, you know?
So - still processing the whole motherhood and work thing. I also know that the search for finding meaning in my own "success" is such a Western individualism and can only end in insecurity. There should be a contentment with obedience to Christ, no matter which roles that works itself into in daily life.
But those are lessons I'm still learning and wrestling with.
Sarah, thanks for the encouragement! I can always use Scripture being shoved in my face, even if I'm not thankful for it at the time. ;)
Kacie, YES. You put it into words exactly how I wanted too. "...I want ministry and work outside of it. Not in place of it, but outside of it. Unfortunately I feel so useless, so careerless, so insecure about what I can do, so unqualified. I compare myself to my husband, and I get frustrated when I feel like he and everyone naturally encourage his career but assume that mine will work itself out with time, and I should just be patient with this motherhood stage. I wish people would fight for my work too, you know?"
One hundred times yes. I'm still wrestling with this. I'm not even sure I know who I AM outside of mother and wife, and that scares me, because I've got to be something apart from those two. But I feel like this is such a common thing, and I should just ride it out and wait to "find myself", if you will. Except that I don't want to wait, and I don't think that's a healthy response--I don't want my daughter to grow up thinking that being a good mom and wife means giving up every iota of your being to that. I want her to have dreams, and goals, and passions, and to pursue them to her hearts content, even while she falls in love and gets married and has babies.
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