turtle aquariums with a side of gay pride (or, how I tried to outrun a bus on my first bike ride)

Whew.
It's been a day. Or two.

Here's how it started: On Sunday, Husband and I decided that we finally needed to commit to these turtles (his dad bought us two turtles in Chinatown when they came. We did not realize the amount of work they were going to be when he did so. It was a nice thought), so I looked up Petsmart and we figured out that all we needed to do was take a bus straight down and it would drop us off right in front of it. Then we could take that bus back and not have to worry about carrying a giant aquarium back by ourselves.

However, we forgot one small issue.

It happened to be Gay Pride here in Chi-town this week, and our bus was driving right on the soon-to-be parade route.
Thus, we had to get off the bus and wade our way through a million people to try and find a pet store so that we could buy our turtle tank.
Also, these million people were very drunk, very almost naked, and very into getting a rise out of people that (clearly) had no idea what they were doing there (this would be Husband and I).

Now, let me stop for a moment and tell you this: I love gay people, straight people, bi-people, and transgendered people. I might not agree with what they're doing, but I don't agree with people that cheat on their spouses either. Point being this: I would rather show someone I don't know that I love them, then judge them and close them off to Christ forever.

However, I'm not exactly at ease in a crowd full of people that are intent on getting wasted and seeing how far across the "inappropriate" line they can cross without getting in trouble.
Especially not when I see four and five-year-olds standing there with their parents watching all of this.
Plus, being in crowds like that makes me nervous after awhile.

All of this to say, that halfway through our trek into gay-pride, I was starting to get really nervous and crabby. I got to my breaking point when I saw a float full of people doing extremely inappropriate things driving by and the crowd cheering them on. I really thought I was going to completey freak out.

And then.

And then, the night ministry bus came driving down the parade route after them and I remembered that this is exactly where Christ would be. Where we should be.
In the middle of all of this, telling people that we love them no matter what they do, or who they are, or where they come from.
All of a sudden, I couldn't help but love these people and see them for who they were: a group of people that just wanted to fit in somewhere.
They just wanted someone to tell them, "It's alright. I see your struggles and your pain, and I love you anyway."
Isn't that what everyone wants, gay or not?

It's what I want.

It's what Christ gives me.
Somewhere to belong, somewhere to just sit and be me in my messy, failed, broken-down state of being.

And who am I to withhold that from someone?

*sidenote: we got a 20 gallon aquarium, and because we are completely obsessed with our cat, we bought her a little kitty climber thing.
We then had to carry these stupid, heavy items for about two hours because the buses were not running, and all taxis were full.
I think that this was the most idiotic attempt we have ever made at trying to be normal in spite of not having a car.

And the cat hates her climber.
Of course.
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This morning, I decided on a whim to bike the five miles into work even though I have not ridden a bike in years, and I'm not sure I've ever biked five miles (especially next to cars).

I think that it was the terror-induced adrenaline that got me here, because I am now tired.
And I have to do it again to get home.

I made the mistake of trying to outrun a bus at one point, so I could have more room on that narrow road.
Then I almost hit a pothole and fell over while my purse was slapping me in the chest and my pizza pockets were getting stuck in my wheels.

I think that there are indents in the handles now, where my fingers were locked in. In fact, I kind of had to pry them off, one by one when I got to work.

But, by darn, I got my exercise in for the day.
Maybe I'll take the train home.

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death and other odd things

Well, since this is clearly the most obvious thing going on right now, Michael Jackson is dead.
Weird.
I'm listening to his music today in tribute.

Alright, now that I have acknowledged that, let's move on.

I spent time with my husband last night.
Really, what a novel idea!
It was lovely. We went and saw "Transformers" (which is fantastic!) and then we went to Berry Chill afterwards for frozen yogurt. It was delicious and also within my calorie limit for the day.
Yeeeessss.

I can guarantee you that I will be spending a lot of time there this summer.

I've worked out three times this week, and I am planning on exercising after I get off of work today. This means that I will have finally hit my 4x a week cardio assignment, and also my 3x a week strength assignment.
Also, I think I can see the muscle in my legs again. Woah. Thank you, trainer Heidi.

I know this is not super interesting.
That's alright.
Sometimes it's nice to not write anything heavy and remind myself that I do have moments of a normal life.

I really want to go to the beach.

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heat wave

I am not sure that I have ever craved a vacation more than in these past few days.
Maybe it's the heat coming in, that is reminding me that it is summer and the time of year when I am supposed to slow down and enjoy my husband/life.

However, this has been the busiest summer of my life, and I think it's been even more hectic than the school year.
I go from one job to the next (2 total, plus an unpaid internship), all day, until I collapse in the kitchen at home and somehow cook meals.
Sometimes I'll see my husband, like when he crawls into bed at 1am, and when he gets out of it at 7am.

Ugh.

I'm at the point where I would even settle for three nights in a hotel by the airport, simply to feel like I am slightly away from life.
The only problem is that we can't afford to take that time off, plus pay for a hotel.

I'm not trying to complain, honestly.
It's just that I really felt like I spent all of last school year running on half a tank because I never had enough time to stop and refill myself. Now I am afraid that I will have the same thing happen this year, except that I will have been stretched out for even longer because of this insane summer.
I want to do well this upcoming semester, but I know that's not going to happen unless I go into it really ready to start school again. At this rate, I'm just going to be scraping by.

Lord, can you take away the weight of my world please?

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an arrival

Well.
It appears that summer has run in and dropped his silly little self all over Chicago quite suddenly.
There was no creeping in for this guy...he just decided to arrive one day.

And I cannot say that I am complaining.
I mean, other than sweating out more than my body weight and having hair that looks like a microwaved poodle. Besides all that, I'm doing just fine.

As to the rant the other night, well...
All things in moderation.

This is what I have decided.
I will exercise in moderation (I just may need to adjust MY idea of moderation to meet the ACTUAL idea of moderation).
I will eat in moderation (this means a variety of food, and snacks throughout the day).
I will take my life in moderation (as in, one day at a time).

I just don't have any other options. And really, what am I going to do anyway?

On another note, we're starting to look at "Life After Moody".
It's kind of frightening, but way more exciting. I asked God to prepare a place for us, wherever it might be. We have a few different places that we're examining, but I don't want to lock us into anything, so I'll wait to write about where.
Let's just say that it could be exactly what my overworked soul needs for awhile.
And I am deciding to look at that as taking care of myself, rather than copping out on the world.

The end.

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summer change

Do we like it?
I'm still not so sure about the look...

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scars still hurt when you scratch them

Two minutes ago, I was crying on the bathroom rug with these words wandering through my head (I'm now in the bedroom, because we can't get internet in the bathroom. Alas, my movie-like moments are always foiled).
I brought my wedding dress home with me after my recent trip to Utah. Folded it up in it's garment bag and tucked it in the bottom of my suitcase. Clearly, I opened it up and looked at it when I got home, but I put off trying it on because I was afraid.
So tonight, after watching some stupid t.v. show about couples finally deciding to take the plunge, I put it on.

I could barely get it over my hips.

I feel like my whole life is spent fighting the same battles and never winning. I can look back on my life and see that the things that I struggled with then are the things that I still struggle with now.

God, will I never have any victory?

I have spent so much of my life motivating myself to wake up in the mornings and just get. out. of. bed.
I have then spent those days trying to monitor what goes into my mouth, and the amount of exercise I do to burn it off.
It's so exhausting.

I remember being four years old and telling my mother that I thought I was fat. I would look at myself in the mirror and think that there was always something missing.
I grew up into a teenager that was attracted to the world and all it seemed to offer. I took the bait and gave into the lies that it fed me--I should always be happy, I should be 5'7" and weigh 110 pounds, and I should also be able to eat anything I want while lying by a pool, working on my tan.
I was blessed with two sisters who happen to be able to do just that, and not have the same results that I do. One was a gymnast and the other one was just a string bean with knobbly knees.
I have a mind that likes to attribute anything positive about itself to outside influences and suck in the negative things like a dry sponge.
And the horrible part is that I loved that wedding dress, but even when it slid over my hips on that day, I still wasn't happy with the person wearing it.

We've been married for a year (and two weeks) now.
When I pulled out my wedding dress, an odd and unexpected thing happened.
I started looking it over, noticing the dirty hem from dancing all night, and the loose beads from where my new husband put his hands around my waist, and I remembered all of the things that I was unsatisfied with on that day.

As wonderful as my wedding was, there are things that I'm not happy with.

However, as I thought about the past year as a wife, the only things that came to mind were how much more in love I am with my husband now than on that day and all of the times we've laughed together while living our life.

And maybe this is a small victory in itself.

Because if my mind has to pick something to be unsatisfied with, I would rather it be one day than an entire year.
There are things I would do differently now. But marrying that same man is not one of them.

I guess all of this is simply to say that I am now realizing that there are things that I may never overcome in this lifetime.
I may never weigh what I want to.
I may never outsmart the demons in my head.

But at least I will always know that I did one thing that I will never, ever regret.

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people are people, and sometimes it doesn't work out

I'm contemplative today.
Slept in (accidentally), went for an hour-long walk in the park by the beach, ate a good lunch and made it into work by 1:30.
In the shower I just kept saying to myself, "I'm gonna do this. I'm gonna make it. I'm gonna do this."
Apparently my recent trip to Utah has (again) changed my outlook on my ability to make my body what I want it to be. Not that this is a bad thing, just, you know, a change.

I don't think this summer is going to be what I wanted it to be.
Although, I'm not sure that I can say that any summer has been what I wanted it to be.
The very large majority of my closest friends are gone.
The ones that are here, well...it's complicated.
I'm working 20 hours at the office, and babysitting at least that many (if not more).
I need to start my internship next week, which is pretty exciting, but also unpaid. Thus, I will soon have to devote another 20 hours of my week to working without getting anything in return for it.
I'm committed to working out (especially since I know I'm checking back in with the trainer in two months, and I better be in a better state than I am now) which is nicely de-stressing, but also time-consuming.
Also, I think the cat is sick again.
And the weather is not cooperating with my wishes for "sunny, no clouds".

At least my nails look nice.

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