in Your name i find meaning

>> 9.29.2009

I'm holding on...

barely holding on to You.

The longer I live, the more mistakes I make.
I get dirtier while growing, and mold/punch/stretch myself into contortions that I would rather not feel. I wonder if the desire for perfection will ever leave.
I wonder about those people who tell us that God is the one that puts that desire for perfection in us. Would God tell us to pursue such a fruitless course of living?
Or would He simply be content with us running to Him, so that He can take control of the situation?

I have pursued perfection.

I have dug my fingers into the rocks until they are bleeding, digging for a way out of the messes that I put myself in.
I have striven for beauty.
I have cried myself to sleep at night in mourning of the failures that I experienced that day.
I have run, and run, and run for sanity.
I have been on anti-depressants in order to wake myself up in the morning and function throughout the day.
And at the end of it all, I have collapsed at His feet--and imperfect, messy girl who just needs someone to tell her she is worthwhile.
I am tired of the pursuit, the striving, the running.
I just want to rest for awhile. I just want to be with Him for awhile.

And oddly enough, I fail at this too.

Dear Jesus,
Please help make me into who You want.

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