sifting and snatched.

>> 6.06.2012

I feel bad about everything.
When I remember anything, it's with this twinge of guilt or failure, because there is not one area of my life where I feel like I am succeeding or 'on top of things'.

I think of work, and it triggers an anxiety attack--"Is my only client going to fire me because I'm late with an order again?"

I think of my son, and it brings up what a crappy mom I've been for the past few days--putting the tv on and staying in the house because I cannot bring myself to do anything else.

I think about laundry, or cooking dinner, or my bathroom floor and I am overwhelmed with just how many chores there are that need doing, and how my house is so grossly dirty. I also think about all the natural cleaning products I have meant to make, and haven't gotten around to.

I think about the taxes I still have to print out and file, and the back payment we've got to make up somehow.

I think about friends, and how I've forgotten to answer emails or phone calls, not asking about hard situations or circumstances that I know they're in.

I think about my relationship with the Lord, and how He deserves so much more of my time and energy. I think of all the times I've chosen sleep or mindless internet activities over spending time reading my Bible.

I think of my husband, and all of the ways I've failed as a wife--all the difficult places in our marriage that I should be working on making better, not dredging up and making worse.

I think about myself, and how I've only been to the gym once last week, and all I've eaten today has been bread and sugar--and how on earth can I actually consider bringing another child into this world when I can't even handle the life I have now? To be honest, I feel like it wouldn't be fair to short-change another kid on having me for a mom. I mean, I'm such a royal failure now, how could I subject another human being to that--and probably worse?

I'm scared to push 'publish' and scared to let these demons out.
I don't know what to do with all of this--I don't know how to let it go. I know the standards I set for myself are impossibly high, but I don't know how to do otherwise.
I can't even have a breakdown on the kitchen floor without thinking about the time I'm wasting and all of the things I should be doing instead.
I mean, how long is too long to use, "I'm just having a hard time right now" as an excuse?
How many times can I blame my incompetence on my failing mental faculties and still have people believe me or give me grace? How long can I give myself grace?

I am so over this.

3 thoughts:

Megan June 6, 2012 at 12:57 PM  

Sitting here with my fingers poised over the keyboard... nothing to comment, but if I were THERE, I would nod and listen and be quiet with you. And waste time with you. And stick my baby in front of the TV with yours (Ezra's favorite channel is the Food Network). And have bread and sugar with you.
It is in these moments that Aslan is on the move friend. God is working. Not punishing. Not boiling out the crap or making the dross float to the top--my tendency is to believe this about myself, that I'm full of crap that needs to be punished out. No, he is rescuing you, and making you new. He is extracting you from brokenness.
Quite a long comment for someone who has nothing to say :) Know that you are on my mind all the time!!

Rachel June 7, 2012 at 4:33 PM  

I know it's cliche, but this is a season. I'm going through totally different trials, but once my Pastor said that sometimes the most Godly thing to do is to take a nap, and it is totally true, that you can give yourself a rest and then tackle things one at a time.

And I don't have a kid, but I know that I didn't suffer from my mom sticking me in front of the TV. I actually loved it. :)

Praying for you, Cami.

Laura June 8, 2012 at 7:58 AM  

Praying for you friend :)

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