>> 9.30.2012

From the Catholic Memorial at Dachau Concentration Camp in Munich, Germany.

Sometimes I seem so up-and-down with this thing, I feel like a hormonal teenager that bursts into tears for no reason all over again.

One day, I'm ready to kick it all into high-gear, market myself like crazy, and enter the rat race of mommy-bloggers writing to make money.

The next, I'm struck with an overwhelming feeling of "Maybe this is all narcissism wrapped up in pretty packages" and questioning what my motivation should be for this platform that I've given myself.
Oddly enough, this is the first time this questioning isn't borne out of, "Maybe I'm just not good enough, maybe no one will care about what I have to say," which is a good thing, I think. That line of pondering is so self-centered, so focused on what other people think about me and that shouldn't be the point of anything.

Really, it comes more out of examining what I want my life to be about, and how is the most valuable way to spend my time? Sadly, I only have twenty-four hours in a day and even though I have enough things that I want to do that would fill up thirty-six of them, I simply cannot get it all done. I just can't. I've tried, and this has led to my mental defeat and breakdown in the form of tears, binge eating, and twenty 'to-do' lists scattered all around my house. 

What do I want my life to be about? 

--Loving the Lord with everything inside of me.

What does that look like?

--Being intentional with my time and my energy. Investing in things that are going to bring glory to Him, not to myself.

And that is the crux--I want my life to be about Him. 
I want the words that I write to reflect His power and glory, to bring people closer to Him, not to get people to marvel at the words that He's given me.

This desire has been lost for a long time. 
It's been buried under piles of sadness, depression, anger, longing, exhaustion, and hopelessness. 
The last two years have been the hardest of my life, hands-down. 
The last six months have been even harder. 

I have come thisclose to giving up on God completely, to throwing in the towel, and telling Him to leave me alone because I'll make my own way from now on, thank You very much.

Somehow (I am not sure how), I have found myself in a place of surrender to Him. 
I am beginning to rest in the fact that He is in control, and the only place I am going to find fulfillment and joy is in Him.
I am claiming the words of my favorite hymn, and asking the Lord to "bind my wandering heart to Thee".

I will write, because I need to write, because I was created to write, and because not writing would be ignoring a gift and passion that God has put inside me.
I will write the truth, and I will tell you about my life and sometimes I will show you what I wore, but the point of it all is different now.
It has to be. 

 "Wretched man that I am! Who will set me free from the body of this death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!"

{Romans 7:24-25}

5 thoughts:

Taiba Tanjila September 30, 2012 at 10:41 AM  
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Sarah Bolocan September 30, 2012 at 11:09 AM  

This is great... Thanks for this.

Anonymous,  October 4, 2012 at 12:23 PM  

But what about "just as I am"? Maybe He doesn't need us to 'make it all about Him'. And maybe that's the only way that it can authentically be all about Him. If our lives are hidden in Him, then we don't really have to worry about putting on this front that it's all about Him. It just happens (and probably in unexpected ways). It's not forced. It's not a guilt trip that what we're doing isn't "holy" enough. Because if I work on making things appear to be sufficiently holy, then it's probably more about ME and not not HIM. And that can't be good.

Laura DiLeonardi October 8, 2012 at 10:24 AM  

This is beautiful. I think we can all relate to this, and I think the cycle of re-surrendering our hearts, talents and lives will continue for the rest of our lives. Keep writing friend and keep giving it all to him, I'm right there with you!

camille nicole October 16, 2012 at 2:43 AM  

@ Anonymous I wish you weren't anonymous so that I could correspond with you in person about this, but that's alright. :) I'll reply here and hope you see it.

I totally and completely agree with you that we should force our lives to be about Christ. The only way to be authentic before Him and in life is to surrender where we're at and stop TRYING to make ourselves better before we present ourselves.
What I was getting at in this post was that my motivation behind everything I have been doing is myself.
"How can I write this to appeal to the widest audience and try and make enough money to get us out of here?"
"What should I wear today to get people to tell me that I look great and thin and will make them want to click 'follow' so that my numbers go up and I am more popular?"

In essence, I feel like a lot of my motivation was a sell-out to the world, and that is where my problem is. It's been a long time since I've felt like living holy--not TRYING to be holy, but just resting in what God wants, and desiring what He desires. Not in a guilt trip, not in a forced way, but simply realizing that my desires have been all about me and my family, not about Him or what He wants from us. I've come to a point of surrender where, if it means giving up my blog or losing followers in order to focus more on what He wants me to be, then that is okay and that is what I want.
The whole point of this blog has always been to pull back the layers that no one wants to talk about, to be brutally honest. This post was me just trying to pull back a layer that I didn't even realize was there until recently.

Hope all of that makes sense, and thank you so much for reading and taking the time to comment. I really appreciate what you said and I think it is so important to stop trying so hard and to just be.

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