>> 3.29.2013

Had you come up to me five years ago and asked me whether or not I thought I would be living in Utah anytime in the future, I probably would have laughed at you in that way I do and then said, "No. Not even."

God is funny like that sometimes.

I was driving to work today, and it was such a simple thing, seeing all of the "North to Salt Lake" freeway signs, but it was such a bizarre moment of realization when reality just slaps you in the face. I wake up to the mountains that I've missed for years every morning.
I drive the roads that got me through tears of triumph and tears of despair.
I see people who's faces have been missing from my vision for years.
I live in the place that was home for so long.

I just can't decide if it is home.

I think it's the closest thing to home that I've found so far. I'm just not sure that it's home all the way.
Then again, this is the woman with a divided heart speaking now--it seems that everywhere I've lived, I've left pieces of my heart and gathered up new facets of what "home" actually means.

For the moment, I'm more peaceful than I've ever been. I have yet to feel the restlessness that used to haunt me wherever we were, and I'm grateful for that.
But there have been snippets of moments where I catch myself remembering where I've been, and dreaming about where we'll go--the countries we'll see and the people we'll meet and the food we'll eat and I know, deep down: there is no such place as home.

2 thoughts:

Dori Anderson March 29, 2013 at 7:15 PM  

So true- heaven is our real home, the only place where all our heart fragments will be restored, where all our goodbyes become hello and see you- forever! To walk through this world with a touch of melancholy and restlessness is the appropriate response of a homesick heart. Yet, what glory and joy there is in this world, just glimpses of the one to come!

eliseloyola April 5, 2013 at 10:19 AM  

Yes, yes, yes, a million times over. I love you for writing this, and I feel the same.

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