isolation.

>> 3.27.2013

Jameson didn't cry when I left the house for work this morning.

I know this is progress.
I'm glad my child wasn't left screaming and banging the door down after I walked out of it.
But at the same time, I had this strange, heart-wrenching moment of realization that he doesn't need me as much as he used to. Cue sadness.

Being a momma is the most contradictory, difficult, and completely illogical thing I have ever, EVER done.

I mean, I am happy that my kid didn't cry when I left this morning, but also kind of broken-hearted about it. How does that even add up or make sense?
Or how about those moments when I am so bone-tired, and Jameson just wants a little bit more of me than I think I can give him and I am overwhelmed with how much I love him, but also how much he drives me crazy.

I think the difficulty lies in making peace with the feelings.

It's easy to feel guilt over feeling 1200 different ways about your children--all at the same time.
It's easy to look at yourself and think, "If I were a better mom, I wouldn't be exasperated right now--I'd just be so thankful that I even have a child, not to mention the fact that he is healthy and smart and has food to eat." and then we dig ourselves into a hole with all of the ways we SHOULD be feeling piled up on top of the guilt for the things that we ARE feeling.

When did motherhood become so cut and dried and black and white?
When did it become easy to look around and see how we are supposed to be and all of the areas that we're failing in, instead of noticing the things we have managed to accomplish--like growing a tiny human INSIDE OF OUR BODIES, and then keeping said human alive and teaching them some semblance of manners, even if they don't always get it?

Motherhood is too hard to do alone, but we isolate ourselves anyway.
That is ridiculous, and it makes me sad.
People need people. We were never meant to be alone.
Period.

3 thoughts:

Julie March 27, 2013 at 7:02 PM  

I was thinking something like this yesterday. If God had created women first, he would have also said, "It's not good for woman to be alone". Of course, I was thinking this as I was very much alone and doing the laundry. lol.

Motherhood is all about letting go. From the second the baby is born and you are no longer the only responsible for growing this person, you are letting go. It's hard because it doesn't get easier as time goes. As a teacher, my biggest frustration with parents was when they were 'hover craft' helicopter moms/dads. But now I know, they just had a hard time letting go of someone that is so precious to them.

I guess it's a good thing that Jameson is not 'sad' you're leaving. It's because you are such a good mom and have built such a trusting relationship with him. He knows you'll come back and he can count on you to be there for him! :)

Keep up the good work, momma! You'r fabulous

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