my feet are wet and my hair's a mess.

>> 8.27.2009

I'm tired and messy this morning.
I absolutely hate this feeling.

It gets in your way and makes you feel inadequate and unworthy.
I would just like to run home, crawl back into bed, and sleep next to my husband for a long time.

I do not want to babysit today.
I don't want to go to class, or go running, or deal with the rain.

I do not want to be a grown-up today.

God, how do I do this?
How do I tackle the miserableness of days like today and keep going, while looking good at the same time?
How do I change this nagging attitude resonating through my brain, and come out with something truly genuine?

I'm so tired of being confronted by my human inadequacy every day.
Maybe this means I have pride issues.
Or maybe God's just trying to knock it into my head that this life cannot be done alone.

[insert long sigh here]

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success.

>> 8.26.2009

I lost 10 pounds over the summer.

That is equivalent to both of my cats, plus a little extra.

I am so proud of myself. I figured that maybe other people could be proud of me too.

Anyway...that is all. : )

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If only...

>> 8.22.2009



Can you imagine?
Just picture Chicago with even half the cars and twice as many bikes.
People would be nicer, the air would be cleaner, and we'd all get exercise.

Oh, the dream.

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come on

>> 8.19.2009

I'm finding You in between the lines.
I'm finding You, open up my eyes.
Give me time.
Because Your love is so alive.

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thank you

>> 8.11.2009

to everyone that did not make fun of me for grieving over a cat.
to everyone that said, "I'm so sorry. Hang in there".
to everyone that smiled sympathy at me.

You are so appreciated.

Today, instead of focusing on all of the things in my life that I could complain about, I am going to focus on the blue sky I saw this morning on my bike, and the sailboat in Lake Michigan, and the silhouetted skyline of Chicago.

I'm going to remember the wonderful women I got to spend some time with last night, and the perfect-fit husband that I came home to.

I'm going to be so thankful that my knee has healed up enough to pedal a bike, and that I somehow managed to get a hair appointment for tonight.

I'm going to smile because school starts in two weeks, and this is my very last semester of college. I'm going to have a Bachelor's Degree by Christmas.

So God....

Thanks.

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weight.

>> 8.05.2009

Grief is such a weird thing.
It's heavy, like a weight.
You carry it around with you, and sometimes there are moments that you can forget about it, but it always comes rushing back down on you afterwards.
It sucker-punches you in the gut, and takes away your air.

Now, please let me say that I understand that all of this is not the biggest tragedy going on right now.
And really, I am moving on, and going to work, and all of that.
This isn't the kind of hurt that makes me unable to crawl out of bed in the mornings or put on clothes.

It's just...I miss her. A lot.

I keep trying to go look for her.
I'll hear a noise in the kitchen and wonder what she's crawled onto this time.
I'll open the front door as little as possible so she can't run out.

But she's not here anymore.

My lovely husband bought me a dozen red roses and had them waiting for me, along with a letter, when I got home from Utah.
I smiled, and then I cried in her kitty bed.

Sometimes I roll my eyes at myself, being so emotional over a cat.
And then other times I just keep swallowing, so that the lump in my throat doesn't crawl out and become tears.

It's gonna be okay.
We're okay.
This is not the end of the world, or even the end of the day.
Sometimes, I just want to hold her.
And I can't.

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ache.

>> 8.02.2009








I miss you already, Ava baby.
See you in heaven, okay?
Love you...
Mommy

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my adventure

>> 7.27.2009





This is my life.
This is my adventure.
Thank goodness.

Photos by Rich Legg

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okay then.

>> 7.22.2009

Oh, unending stream of criticism in my head.

Will you ever run out of words?

Why is it so hard to believe that I am who You say I am?
Put together just the way you wanted.
Poured out into the body you designed.
Crafted into this person...that confounds me daily.

I enjoy chocolate cookies
and pizza
and cheese/crackers/salami
and all things "unhealthy".
I'm a walking klutz, unless I'm on ice.
Then I feel like a ballerina.
I spill, I trip, I snort, I sob.
I am a landmine of emotions.

Get out, get out, get out.

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here it is...there it was

>> 7.16.2009

It's like inadequacy.

Wondering, "Really? Why not me? We seem the same."
But actually, they kept all the good parts that you let go to waste.

I don't want them to go to waste anymore.

God, can you take me back to a beach in Mexico where you were more powerful than the wind and the waves, and all I could feel were your hands on my shoulders?

I'm so overwhelmed with this.
I'm so overwhelmed when I remember everything else, and everything now.

Your life comes with commitments.
You go from thinking, "I wonder what my life will be,"
to
"This is what my life is. I just defined it."

Did I do the right things?
Did I make the right decisions?
Is this how I was supposed to turn out?

I've forgotten the solid peace I had when my life was wide open and there were no doors to hide behind.

Dear Jesus,
Make me better.
Amen.

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too much.

>> 7.13.2009

*update--
My husband is amazingly wonderful and is taking me on a staycation to Evanston. We are staying in a cute little bed and breakfast just off the purple line. We leave on Thursday afternoon and come home on Saturday afternoon.
Praise the good Lord Almighty.

Secondly, I had an interesting observation while biking home this evening. My thighs were literally cramping up about halfway home, but I just tried to ignore it and keep going.
However, had I been on a stationary bike at the gym, or a treadmill, I would have just gotten off.
But I wanted to come home, and biking was my only option, so I stayed on.
Now my thighs are looking nicely mannish with muscle and I am in desperate need of some good stretching.

Bug Count:
Mouth-4
Nose-1
Eye-1
Head/Arms/Hair-too numerous to count

Seriously. Does anyone have any suggestions about this? I had to stop and get a drink to wash them all down. Nasty.
_____________________________________________________________

There's just been too much lately.
Really, I probably could have written 20 posts in the past week, but I just couldn't.

I couldn't do a lot of things.

I have got to snap out of this.

On the biking front: It's an interesting thing. I enjoy the exercise and the fresh air. I hate the cars and their mean drivers. So on one hand I am getting out, getting air, calming down. On the other, I am winding back up when I have to yell at people that drive an inch away from me and force me to the side of the road.
I saw fireflies the other day. It was a little bit of magic for a moment.
Until one went down my throat.
Then it was not so magical.

On the everything else front: I could spend my days sitting on the beach and eating frozen yogurt.
Is it wrong that I feel entitled to some sort of break?
I've written repeatedly about how I've felt like I went non-stop for this past year and I know that there's a crash coming somewhere.
Or maybe it's just little crashes.
I think I've been having some of those lately.

I don't know. Our society pushes us to keep going, keep working, make money, don't quit.
Yet, God clearly talks about us needing rest.
Where's the balance?
How much rest is enough, and when do you cross the line into laziness?

It's been hard to move lately, and I don't like it.

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contradiction

>> 7.06.2009

I want to leave this place.
paris, barcelona, rome, london.
I'll take any of them.
I want anywhere but here.
And I want to take everything with me.

I want home and I don't know where it is.

I want to settle in, and I don't want to stay anywhere for too long.

I am a walking contradiction and I just need a place to lie down.

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turtle aquariums with a side of gay pride (or, how I tried to outrun a bus on my first bike ride)

>> 6.29.2009

Whew.
It's been a day. Or two.

Here's how it started: On Sunday, Husband and I decided that we finally needed to commit to these turtles (his dad bought us two turtles in Chinatown when they came. We did not realize the amount of work they were going to be when he did so. It was a nice thought), so I looked up Petsmart and we figured out that all we needed to do was take a bus straight down and it would drop us off right in front of it. Then we could take that bus back and not have to worry about carrying a giant aquarium back by ourselves.

However, we forgot one small issue.

It happened to be Gay Pride here in Chi-town this week, and our bus was driving right on the soon-to-be parade route.
Thus, we had to get off the bus and wade our way through a million people to try and find a pet store so that we could buy our turtle tank.
Also, these million people were very drunk, very almost naked, and very into getting a rise out of people that (clearly) had no idea what they were doing there (this would be Husband and I).

Now, let me stop for a moment and tell you this: I love gay people, straight people, bi-people, and transgendered people. I might not agree with what they're doing, but I don't agree with people that cheat on their spouses either. Point being this: I would rather show someone I don't know that I love them, then judge them and close them off to Christ forever.

However, I'm not exactly at ease in a crowd full of people that are intent on getting wasted and seeing how far across the "inappropriate" line they can cross without getting in trouble.
Especially not when I see four and five-year-olds standing there with their parents watching all of this.
Plus, being in crowds like that makes me nervous after awhile.

All of this to say, that halfway through our trek into gay-pride, I was starting to get really nervous and crabby. I got to my breaking point when I saw a float full of people doing extremely inappropriate things driving by and the crowd cheering them on. I really thought I was going to completey freak out.

And then.

And then, the night ministry bus came driving down the parade route after them and I remembered that this is exactly where Christ would be. Where we should be.
In the middle of all of this, telling people that we love them no matter what they do, or who they are, or where they come from.
All of a sudden, I couldn't help but love these people and see them for who they were: a group of people that just wanted to fit in somewhere.
They just wanted someone to tell them, "It's alright. I see your struggles and your pain, and I love you anyway."
Isn't that what everyone wants, gay or not?

It's what I want.

It's what Christ gives me.
Somewhere to belong, somewhere to just sit and be me in my messy, failed, broken-down state of being.

And who am I to withhold that from someone?

*sidenote: we got a 20 gallon aquarium, and because we are completely obsessed with our cat, we bought her a little kitty climber thing.
We then had to carry these stupid, heavy items for about two hours because the buses were not running, and all taxis were full.
I think that this was the most idiotic attempt we have ever made at trying to be normal in spite of not having a car.

And the cat hates her climber.
Of course.
__________________________________________________________________

This morning, I decided on a whim to bike the five miles into work even though I have not ridden a bike in years, and I'm not sure I've ever biked five miles (especially next to cars).

I think that it was the terror-induced adrenaline that got me here, because I am now tired.
And I have to do it again to get home.

I made the mistake of trying to outrun a bus at one point, so I could have more room on that narrow road.
Then I almost hit a pothole and fell over while my purse was slapping me in the chest and my pizza pockets were getting stuck in my wheels.

I think that there are indents in the handles now, where my fingers were locked in. In fact, I kind of had to pry them off, one by one when I got to work.

But, by darn, I got my exercise in for the day.
Maybe I'll take the train home.

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death and other odd things

>> 6.26.2009

Well, since this is clearly the most obvious thing going on right now, Michael Jackson is dead.
Weird.
I'm listening to his music today in tribute.

Alright, now that I have acknowledged that, let's move on.

I spent time with my husband last night.
Really, what a novel idea!
It was lovely. We went and saw "Transformers" (which is fantastic!) and then we went to Berry Chill afterwards for frozen yogurt. It was delicious and also within my calorie limit for the day.
Yeeeessss.

I can guarantee you that I will be spending a lot of time there this summer.

I've worked out three times this week, and I am planning on exercising after I get off of work today. This means that I will have finally hit my 4x a week cardio assignment, and also my 3x a week strength assignment.
Also, I think I can see the muscle in my legs again. Woah. Thank you, trainer Heidi.

I know this is not super interesting.
That's alright.
Sometimes it's nice to not write anything heavy and remind myself that I do have moments of a normal life.

I really want to go to the beach.

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heat wave

>> 6.25.2009

I am not sure that I have ever craved a vacation more than in these past few days.
Maybe it's the heat coming in, that is reminding me that it is summer and the time of year when I am supposed to slow down and enjoy my husband/life.

However, this has been the busiest summer of my life, and I think it's been even more hectic than the school year.
I go from one job to the next (2 total, plus an unpaid internship), all day, until I collapse in the kitchen at home and somehow cook meals.
Sometimes I'll see my husband, like when he crawls into bed at 1am, and when he gets out of it at 7am.

Ugh.

I'm at the point where I would even settle for three nights in a hotel by the airport, simply to feel like I am slightly away from life.
The only problem is that we can't afford to take that time off, plus pay for a hotel.

I'm not trying to complain, honestly.
It's just that I really felt like I spent all of last school year running on half a tank because I never had enough time to stop and refill myself. Now I am afraid that I will have the same thing happen this year, except that I will have been stretched out for even longer because of this insane summer.
I want to do well this upcoming semester, but I know that's not going to happen unless I go into it really ready to start school again. At this rate, I'm just going to be scraping by.

Lord, can you take away the weight of my world please?

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an arrival

>> 6.23.2009

Well.
It appears that summer has run in and dropped his silly little self all over Chicago quite suddenly.
There was no creeping in for this guy...he just decided to arrive one day.

And I cannot say that I am complaining.
I mean, other than sweating out more than my body weight and having hair that looks like a microwaved poodle. Besides all that, I'm doing just fine.

As to the rant the other night, well...
All things in moderation.

This is what I have decided.
I will exercise in moderation (I just may need to adjust MY idea of moderation to meet the ACTUAL idea of moderation).
I will eat in moderation (this means a variety of food, and snacks throughout the day).
I will take my life in moderation (as in, one day at a time).

I just don't have any other options. And really, what am I going to do anyway?

On another note, we're starting to look at "Life After Moody".
It's kind of frightening, but way more exciting. I asked God to prepare a place for us, wherever it might be. We have a few different places that we're examining, but I don't want to lock us into anything, so I'll wait to write about where.
Let's just say that it could be exactly what my overworked soul needs for awhile.
And I am deciding to look at that as taking care of myself, rather than copping out on the world.

The end.

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summer change

>> 6.17.2009

Do we like it?
I'm still not so sure about the look...

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scars still hurt when you scratch them

>> 6.16.2009

Two minutes ago, I was crying on the bathroom rug with these words wandering through my head (I'm now in the bedroom, because we can't get internet in the bathroom. Alas, my movie-like moments are always foiled).
I brought my wedding dress home with me after my recent trip to Utah. Folded it up in it's garment bag and tucked it in the bottom of my suitcase. Clearly, I opened it up and looked at it when I got home, but I put off trying it on because I was afraid.
So tonight, after watching some stupid t.v. show about couples finally deciding to take the plunge, I put it on.

I could barely get it over my hips.

I feel like my whole life is spent fighting the same battles and never winning. I can look back on my life and see that the things that I struggled with then are the things that I still struggle with now.

God, will I never have any victory?

I have spent so much of my life motivating myself to wake up in the mornings and just get. out. of. bed.
I have then spent those days trying to monitor what goes into my mouth, and the amount of exercise I do to burn it off.
It's so exhausting.

I remember being four years old and telling my mother that I thought I was fat. I would look at myself in the mirror and think that there was always something missing.
I grew up into a teenager that was attracted to the world and all it seemed to offer. I took the bait and gave into the lies that it fed me--I should always be happy, I should be 5'7" and weigh 110 pounds, and I should also be able to eat anything I want while lying by a pool, working on my tan.
I was blessed with two sisters who happen to be able to do just that, and not have the same results that I do. One was a gymnast and the other one was just a string bean with knobbly knees.
I have a mind that likes to attribute anything positive about itself to outside influences and suck in the negative things like a dry sponge.
And the horrible part is that I loved that wedding dress, but even when it slid over my hips on that day, I still wasn't happy with the person wearing it.

We've been married for a year (and two weeks) now.
When I pulled out my wedding dress, an odd and unexpected thing happened.
I started looking it over, noticing the dirty hem from dancing all night, and the loose beads from where my new husband put his hands around my waist, and I remembered all of the things that I was unsatisfied with on that day.

As wonderful as my wedding was, there are things that I'm not happy with.

However, as I thought about the past year as a wife, the only things that came to mind were how much more in love I am with my husband now than on that day and all of the times we've laughed together while living our life.

And maybe this is a small victory in itself.

Because if my mind has to pick something to be unsatisfied with, I would rather it be one day than an entire year.
There are things I would do differently now. But marrying that same man is not one of them.

I guess all of this is simply to say that I am now realizing that there are things that I may never overcome in this lifetime.
I may never weigh what I want to.
I may never outsmart the demons in my head.

But at least I will always know that I did one thing that I will never, ever regret.

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people are people, and sometimes it doesn't work out

>> 6.12.2009

I'm contemplative today.
Slept in (accidentally), went for an hour-long walk in the park by the beach, ate a good lunch and made it into work by 1:30.
In the shower I just kept saying to myself, "I'm gonna do this. I'm gonna make it. I'm gonna do this."
Apparently my recent trip to Utah has (again) changed my outlook on my ability to make my body what I want it to be. Not that this is a bad thing, just, you know, a change.

I don't think this summer is going to be what I wanted it to be.
Although, I'm not sure that I can say that any summer has been what I wanted it to be.
The very large majority of my closest friends are gone.
The ones that are here, well...it's complicated.
I'm working 20 hours at the office, and babysitting at least that many (if not more).
I need to start my internship next week, which is pretty exciting, but also unpaid. Thus, I will soon have to devote another 20 hours of my week to working without getting anything in return for it.
I'm committed to working out (especially since I know I'm checking back in with the trainer in two months, and I better be in a better state than I am now) which is nicely de-stressing, but also time-consuming.
Also, I think the cat is sick again.
And the weather is not cooperating with my wishes for "sunny, no clouds".

At least my nails look nice.

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isn't it interesting

>> 5.24.2009

how you seem to alienate the people that would be the most loyal to you.
how you still seem to think that this world and all the people in it revolve entirely around you and your "dream" life.
how you frustrate the life out of me, but I'm to non-confrontational to simply tell it to your face.
how betrayed I feel by you.
how over all of this drama that I want to be.
how over the word "drama" I want to be.
how my head always aches.
how I can despise you so much, and yet you still make me so insecure about myself.
how much power one measly little person can have over another.

how honestly good and sick writing all of this out makes me feel.

I just need a few more pills.
I am a prescription waiting to happen, with a lit fuse at the bottom and a firecracker on top.
Just let me live my life, and quit pushing your stupid ideals onto the rest of the world.
We don't want to care.

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