still and quiet

it's early in the morning (7:09, to be exact) and I've got to leave for school in a few minutes, but I couldn't help myself.
Sometimes there are moments that just ooze with peacefulness and quiet, and I need to stop and take note of that. Especially since those moments are few and far between.
My coffee's getting a little cold, but my husband is still asleep three feet away, I've already eaten breakfast and it's nice to just sit. This semester is so hectic already, that I am already feeling like I'm just treading water.
That's not exactly the best state of mind to be in, two weeks into it all.

We had youth group last night, which was good and trying. I enjoy working with these kids, and yet there is so much that I feel that I'm not doing. If there is anything in life that makes you realize that you really have control over nothing, it is working with teenagers.
There are moments that are so tough and helpless, and I just look at them and wonder why they cannot see the logic in what I am telling them.
Then I remember that they can't really see logic in much of anything, and the most important thing for me right now, is to just be there. To stand there while they lean on my shoulders and play with my hair and make me laugh at their nonsense.
To pray with them and listen to their dreams of becoming actors, surgeons, real estate agents, moms, and college graduates.
To remind them that there is more to this life than good hair and the right shoes.
To smile and say, "I'll see you guys next week, okay?"
And sometimes, that is enough.

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fitness and leg waxing

Today has been eventful in the form of ridiculous activities that I do in my teeny little apartment in order to keep myself distracted from all the reading I need to catch up on.

Event #1: Flirty Girl Fitness

I know. I know. It even sounds ridiculous. But trust me, it kicks your butt. And it makes you smile. A friend of mine told me about it a few months ago and I originally looked at joining the gym that's here in Chicago. However, when I told my Dear Husband about this, he promptly killed those dreams.
("Babe, it's only $110 a month! I'll just work a few extra hours..."
"...Seriously? No way!")

I was looking around on the site again a few weeks ago (wistfully, I might add), and I noticed their DVD section. Turns out I can shake my behind in the comfort of my own home while working on my six-pack. I ordered the Teaser collection, and they just got here a few days ago. I popped in Booty Beat on Saturday and still feel like I am going to collapse. Today I did Chair Dancing and although I didn't sweat as much, I still got a decent workout, especially considering that my muscles are still asking me what I am thinking.

Honestly, I know it sounds crazy and a little sketchy. But (especially if you're hitched) it's really fun, and it let's you flaunt your feminine side without looking like a sleazeball.
So that's that.

Event #2: Nad's waxing strips.

Ow.
I bought 'em like six months ago and have been semi-regularly using them on the lower half of my legs.
Ow.
They don't get ALL the hair, but they get enough, AND your hair grows back way thinner and much more slowly than usual.
But still.
Ow.

Use at your own risk.
That's all I'm sayin'.

Okay.
I suppose that's enough for today. I've got Jewish Studies waiting for me, and people coming over tonight for Pizza and Monopoly. It's Husband's favorite. It also happens to be the only board game we own, so that narrows his choices down a little. : )

Have a good day off.

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here i am

For a long time I've struggled with the kind of "voice" I should use on here. I read so many blogs by people who make you laugh and you know that is exactly how they sound in real life.
I've also read blogs that are so serious and questioning in their entirety that they make you ponder the small bits of life and try to make you find meaning in everything.
So where does that leave me?

I started blogging when I was fifteen. It was the trendy thing to do and I knew that I'd always loved to write, so why one earth not join in? Maybe I'd become an overnight sensation, get discovered and subsequently famous, and then my dreams of being A Writer would come true.

It is now five years later, and I can tell you that this did not happen. Unfortunately.

Essentially, I have put my five years of change on display for the world. The internet has seen me go through falling in love, breaking up, moving out, getting depressed, getting better, getting depressed again, finding my real love, getting married and being An Adult. I have posted things that look like nonsense, things that sound like I talk in sarcasm, things that make my English teachers wonder what I ever saw in myself, and things that have made a few people step back and wonder just what goes on inside this head of blue eyes and brown hair.
For what?

The whole point of blogging is to be who you want, who you are. But I keep attaching rules to it. I can't sound too sophisticated, people will think you're fake. I can't sound too abstract, people will think you're depressed again. I can't talk about life too much, people will find you and do strange things to you.
Apparently I have a propensity to live life by the rules, even though I spend all of my time trying to shirk them. I am a walking contradiction.
I just attribute this to my very strange need to be organized and color-coded (Office Max is my favorite store. I cannot walk in there without buying something. Usually a notebook or a pen...I get this from my mother).

All of this to say, who am I really? And what am I doing here?

For so long, this has been a place of searching, a place of throwing out the messes inside of my head and trying to organize it by it's passing through my fingertips and onto a page. I feel like I still need this, but not as much as I used too. Maybe this is part of what comes with Growing Up--a bigger mental capacity in which to organize Life.
In any case, I still want to be heard. But I want to do it my way, I want people to know me without having to see my face.
And this doesn't just include the deep, inner-workings of my heart. It also includes the mistakes I make for dinner and the uncomfortable outfits that come with freezing Chicago winters.
I'm going to try to be more steady and regular.
I'm going to give my life details, the color inside of the messy lines that come out of pondering.
I'm going to pop out of a page and become real life.
And hopefully, I'll touch just as many people as before. All twelve of you.

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too long

but I'll be back regularly soon.
I promise.
Just let me get a handle on all this crazy stuff that everyone says is life and I'll try to start dishing up some more nuggets to chew on.
Okay?

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