sorry for being so bold

>> 2.24.2009

I just love this new office.
My computer screen is so large and clear.
My little corner is so cozy and MY OWN.
The only downside is that I have to walk a quarter of a mile to get here.
Oh well...No computer screen comes without it's price.


I had a revelation today when I realized just how much the Lord has taught me about relationships and people since being at school. I've always been a personable person, but never a huge intimate relationship person.
--I think part of this is due to the fact that I grew up in Utah, and finding good bosom buddies that believe in the same thing you do is about as common as finding a good mormon that enjoys a caffeinated beverage. (Sorry. Utah humor.)
So, to continue, I have discovered that I have something inside myself that cares about people, but it has a difficult time showing it's face beneath all of my selfish tendencies. (I am also quite cynical and this kills a lot of my nurturing desires as well. I do happen to be working on these problems).
I've found that I enjoy having one-on-one coffee dates with people, even with the very large opportunity for awkward silences (which I try to avoid at ALL COSTS).
I enjoy leaving notes and such for people that I think of or that I know are having a difficult time.
I enjoy laughing with a stranger that makes the same observation about the world that I do. It makes for an interesting moment and leaves me replaying it in my head with a nice feeling inside.
I enjoy holding people as they cry and tell me about the difficult things going on. I like knowing that I can simply sit with them and listen as they pour out everything they need to.
I guess I am saying that I like relationships.
But I have an odd tendency to deny them, or simply not take the time for them, because they require effort.
--One major part of depression is that simple, routine life starts to become a treadmill that you're running on and all of a sudden, someone has turned the speed up to 10 miles an hour. You know you're gonna run out of oxygen eventually, but if you try and stop you'll fall on your face and just make things worse.

I guess I'm just interested at the person that I am now, after two of some of the most refining years I have ever been through.
She's pretty different, and much of the same, and I think I am a little proud of her.

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