a moment

>> 2.08.2009

Well, if I am honest, I've been neglecting this because I didn't want to post something about how I am wallowing in my troubles.
But today there is a blue, blue sky and I have opened my windows and turned the fan on so that the old air can get out of my house, and the new stuff can come in.
Maybe that's more symbolic than I thought.

You see, the problem is this rut that I keep encountering. And I swear, either there are 25 million of the same ones scattered throughout my life, or I am simply going in circles and coming back to the original. Either way, I'm having a hard time.
And if I am honest, I am so tired of admitting that.
I am tired of being the needy wife/friend/student/daughter that cannot get through life without a bottle of pills and a visit to a counselor.
I am tired of using DEPRESSION as an excuse for why I cannot get out of bed, why it is an effort to laugh, and why I cannot seem to accomplish any schoolwork until I have to put my tail between my legs and broadcast it to my professors again.
I am tired of not being able to trust my thoughts and know if what I am thinking is the truth/believable or not.
I am tired of declaring a fresh start for myself, only to stop and think, "I didn't get started at all."

I am also scared.
I am scared that this will be the fight of my life, for the rest of my life, and also for my children's life.
I am scared that I will become that mother that locks herself in her room, neglects her kids and kills her marriage.
I am scared that I will never be happy or free.
I am scared that this is what I will write about, forever and ever, and if I don't write about it, I will have nothing else to say.

I don't want to cry anymore.
I don't want to question anymore.
I just don't want to do this anymore.

How many times have I written those words?

"When all these blessings and curses I have set before you come upon you and you take them to heart wherever the LORD your God disperses you among the nations, and when you and your children return to the LORD your God and obey him with all your heart and with all your soul according to everything I command you today, then the LORD your God will restore your fortunes and have compassion on you and gather you again from all the nations where he scattered you. Even if you have been banished to the most distant land under the heavens, from there the LORD your God will gather you and bring you back. He will bring you to the land that belonged to your fathers, and you will take possession of it. He will make you more prosperous and numerous than your fathers. The LORD your God will circumcise your hearts and the hearts of your descendants, so that you may love him with all your heart and with all your soul, and live." -Deuteronomy 30:1-6

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