in Your name i find meaning

I'm holding on...

barely holding on to You.

The longer I live, the more mistakes I make.
I get dirtier while growing, and mold/punch/stretch myself into contortions that I would rather not feel. I wonder if the desire for perfection will ever leave.
I wonder about those people who tell us that God is the one that puts that desire for perfection in us. Would God tell us to pursue such a fruitless course of living?
Or would He simply be content with us running to Him, so that He can take control of the situation?

I have pursued perfection.

I have dug my fingers into the rocks until they are bleeding, digging for a way out of the messes that I put myself in.

I have striven for beauty.

I have cried myself to sleep at night in mourning of the failures that I experienced that day.

I have run, and run, and run for sanity.

I have been on anti-depressants in order to wake myself up in the morning and function throughout the day.

And at the end of it all, I have collapsed at His feet--and imperfect, messy girl who just needs someone to tell her she is worthwhile.
I am tired of the pursuit, the striving, the running.
I just want to rest for awhile. I just want to be with Him for awhile.

And oddly enough, I fail at this too.

Dear Jesus,
Please help make me into who You want.
Amen.

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accomplishments

This weekend I...

baked bagels.
made my first homemade soup.
made non-chemical cleaner.
cleaned a little.
wrote some papers.
read books (for school and NOT for school).
ran a 5k and cut six minutes off of last year's time.
grew a lot with my husband.
babysat and talked with a 12 year old about the Lord.
slept in.
drank a lot of coffee.
and smiled.

I got to be a wife this weekend. I got to bake things, and make my house smell good. I listened to a sermon with my husband and worked on our marriage.
I accomplished things, and it felt fantastic.

I also realized that I have 12 weeks of school left.
These are my last 12 weeks for a long, long time.

So close, so close, so close.

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ready

It's time to leave, and move on.
Time to start real life for real and be a big-grown-up-girl.
I'm ready for it all.

I want to be able to focus on my husband, and making my home mine, and doing stuff that I love, instead of doing things that I have to.
I want to have neighbors, and people over for dinner, and good friends that won't move away after they've obtained their degrees.
I want people who will be accountable and hold me accountable, that I can grow with and help them grow.
I want to have a garden, and bake lots of things, and paint the walls of my house.

I want to live my life on my terms.

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Remember

when I brought you soup and juice and ice cream when you were so very ill?

when I ran to find you and stayed with you the day your boyfriend dumped you?

when we complained about everything, but reminded ourselves that it didn't matter, because we had each other?

when our biggest priority in life was finding God and ignoring everything else?

I'm not quite sure who you are now.
And I don't know where you're going
or why.

I miss you.
But I won't keep chasing after you.
Friendship goes both ways.

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