over the sea

>> 3.27.2008

Dear self,
You're doing a fantastic job.
Please keep going.

Sincerely,
Me.

Sometimes I wish letters like this would just come in the mail every time you needed one.
Unfortunately, it seems that we can't read our own minds and our powers of prediction are severely lacking. I don't know what you want, and I'm not quite sure how to read you.
It's like a big giant knot, made up of a thread that is fifty different colors and I'm just trying to untangle it so that I have a little bit more room to breathe.

Give me a break, Frederick.
You don't know.

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list

>> 3.07.2008

...cause I talked too long.

-Apartments. I want my own house.
-Chocolate muffins. Mmm mmm, breakfast.
-Midterms. Two surprise and one in three hours that I have NOT studied for.
-Medicine. Stupid American insurance.
-Europe. I'm going in 9 hours!
-Wedding. Sister-in-law and my own. 85 days!
-Marriage. I wish I was already...
-Thoughts. Too many. No wonder I need help sorting them out.
-Words. Why can't I shape them any better?
-Post-it notes. The blue squares are taking over my desk.
-Sunshine. finally.

-love love.

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door(s) problem(s)

>> 3.03.2008


The problem with doors is that they always make you wonder what is behind them. What kind of a person would paint a door such a vivid red and then hide behind it? Who lives there, and what do they eat for breakfast?

Maybe they're rich, and they simply wanted to draw attention the fact that they live downtown in a huge city where rent is sky high and gas prices are even higher. Maybe they go out to glamorous parties every night, and in the early morning hours they need the brightness of that door to get them home.
Maybe I'm just crazy, and need to live a bit outside of myself right now.

I'm just tired and it just keeps raining
and raining
and r a i n i n g.

Things are piling up, but it's not even like they're the big things. They're just the little nagging things that get stuck at the base of your brain and BOTHER YOU until you fix them.
Things like laundry
and dishes
and class schedules
and money
and a place to live
and wedding invitations
and HOMEWORK.
[big piles of homework]

Sometimes I would like to run away and forget about longings to come back.

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happy times

>> 2.25.2008

Things are good.
-and I like being able to say that.

Granted, nothing is perfect. Rarely anything ever is. There is still pain and frustration and anger and friction, but we deal with it and get on in our lives.
What other choice do we have?

In a moment of re-living things today, I recounted the whole ordeal that pushed me to come to school here in front of a classroom full of twenty people, and then proceeded to act out that same emotion in a different situation. By the time I got done I thought I was going to pass out with exhaustion. I was shaking and my mind was racing- it felt like everything had happened a week ago, not a year. And in the midst of all of it, all I could do was stand there and thank God for pulling me out of such an intense situation. As I was talking, I was watching the looks on people's faces go from boredom, to concentration, to shock, to horror. It was like having a room full of life-size dolls, and I could make their expression into whatever I wanted.
It scared me a little bit, the fact that pieces of my life caused that look on someone's face- was it really that terrible of a situation? I didn't even need to ask...just look around you, kid.
I guess this rocked me in a way I didn't expect. I mean, I know my life has had it's rough spots. Whose hasn't? But to have someone look at you like that, almost in awe that you're still here and you're still sane...well, I guess it just threw me a little bit. Maybe it even made me a bit proud of myself. Like I had conquered some big mountain that most people never even got a glance of.

Although, maybe I'm just looking for strength.


I miss making magic with my words.

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thought

>> 2.21.2008

This realization just came to me, and it about made me break down in tears.
I remember back when I was living at home, if I had an issue against my integrity or someone didn't get along with me, my dad was always the first one to express faith in me and who I was. My father believed in my character and would have defended me against anything.




I don't think someone would be able to do that for me anymore.

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v day.

>> 2.14.2008

Red roses.
Heart-shaped boxes.
Delicate cards.

This is what comes to mind when Feb. 14 is talked about.

However...Shouldn't it be more about Love than anything else?
Don't get me wrong- all of the aforementioned items are wonderful, and receiving them makes me giggle like a three year-old.
But...without love there would be no point for any of this anyway.
And without God there'd be no love for us to give, or receive.

So I guess the point I'm trying to make, is that before the chocolate and the flowers, and after the tears and the pint of ice cream, God is the whole reason we can celebrate (or not) this whole day centered on Love.

Granted, it's a pretty commercial holiday, but let's be honest here. Shouldn't God's Love for us be the first thing that enters our minds when we think about something like this?

Call me crazy, or overly-spiritual.
It was just something I was thinking about...how I would hope that if I did not have the wonderful fiance that I do, I wouldn't sit in my room all day and wallow in my self-pity. I hope that I would decide to turn this around for all of the people that don't have anything, and that I would praise God for loving me so completely.
I'm not sure that I would...but it's something that I hope for myself.

So for now, I'll smell my roses and pray that God will give extra amounts of Love to the people that need it today.

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the quest continues

>> 2.02.2008

Somehow this has turned out to be an account of my journey into being the woman after God's own heart. Or maybe that's all it's been from the beginning.

It seems incredible to me how deep self-hatred can run. Even when I think that I have myself tamed, it comes and strikes me in the throat as I stare at myself in the mirror. It whispers twisted truths in my ears through the voices of the people that I love. It points out flaws that seem to be impossible to improve upon. And at the end of the day, it reminds me how deeply I've fallen and bades me to look at how badly I've failed.

I've got a knight in shining armor now, and he fights for me harder than I've ever seen anyone fight for me before. He battles my mind and strangles the lies. He trumps the flaws with the strengths and shows me how I've succeeded. And at the end of the day, he still loves me more than the day before.

Above all of this, there is a God. The God. The only God.
He put me together, placed the hairs exactly right, sprinkled the freckles and tinted the eyes. He hand-mixed the personality, poured it in, and sealed my heart with His hands, all the while leaving His own print on it.
He has been fighting for me from the dawn of time, and will continue to battle on long after the world has gone dark. He saved me before I fell, and held me before I cried.

His name is Jesus, and He is the only Truth that I want whispered in my ear.

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peace and a storm

>> 2.01.2008

Snow flurries are outside my window, and I'm so calm that it's a little surreal.
Aqualung is crooning out of the old speakers, my waterbottle is half empty, and I'm extremely warm in this sweater.
I had a chocolate muffin and a nonfat caramel latte for breakfast (which is my favorite breakfast ever) and I talked to the love of my life for five minutes before he rushed off to classes.
Professors are canceling classes left and right (although none of mine yet) and things are very, very good.

Who would have known that peace would find me in a place like this, at a time like this?

I'm not sure why I'm so surprised, considering it's something I've been praying about for the past week.
"God give me patience and peace and help me to be the quiet woman that is continually striving after You."

After a long bout of silence, maybe He's finally shaping me up again. Either that, or I've finally cracked off the hard bits of my heart that were keeping Him out.

Whatever the case, it's nice to be here in the middle of the storm.

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beautiful.

>> 1.27.2008

"Beauty will save the world."
-Fyodor Dostoyevsky

In spending some alone time with God this morning, I came across these passages in the current book I am reading, Captivating.
Take them as you will.

"A woman in her glory, a woman of beauty, is a woman who is not striving to become beautiful or worthy or enough. She knows in her quiet center where God dwells that He finds her beautiful, has deemed her worthy, and in Him, she is enough."

"A woman who is unveiling her beauty is inviting others to life. She risks being vulnerable: exposing her true heart and inviting others to share theirs. She is not demanding, but she is hopeful...You see, ultimately a woman invites us to know God. To experience through her that God is merciful. That He is tender and kind. That God longs for us- to be known by us and to know us. She invites us to experience that God is good, deep, lovely, alluring. Captivating."

"To possess true beauty, we must be willing to suffer...Yet, if Christ Himself was perfected through His sufferings, why would I believe God would not do the same with me? Women who are stunningly beautiful are women who have had their hearts enlarged by suffering. By saying, "Yes" when the world says, "No." By paying the high price of loving truly and honestly without demanding that they be loved in return. And by refusing to numb their pain in the myriad of ways available. They have come to know that when everyone and everything has left them, God is there. They have learned, along with David, that those who go through the desolate valley will find it a place of springs (Ps. 84:6)."

"God does not always rescue us out of a painful season. You know that He does not always give to us what we so desperately want when we want it. He is after something much more valuable than our happiness. Much more substantive that our health. He is restoring and growing in us an eternal weight of glory. And sometimes...it hurts."

"Abiding in Christ means paying attention to the voice of God within, nourishing our own hearts and nourishing our relationship with Him. Over time."

My prayer today was simply that God would make me a settled woman, a woman of peace. I don't want to strive anymore. I'd rather be calmly walking in the middle of chaos. I want to invite people to know God simply through my character, and not through my many, many words. Youth is fleeting, but true beauty never fades.

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It's like a hole, but bigger

>> 12.24.2007

Odd really, isn't it.
I'm not quite sure what to phrase this or how to call it.
Explaining has never been my thing, especially in this department.
Don't you remember?
"The abstractness could work if it was a bit more understandable."
Isn't that a contradiction? I mean, I'm not trying to be rude, but I just call things for what they are.
Like me being normal.
That's called an oxymoron. (It means that it just doesn't fit well with itself. Like normal behavior and thoughts don't fit well with me.)
How did I get here?

Sometimes I think a typewriter and a cup of tea would fit in a bit better. Other times I picture an ink-filled pen and a journal of magnificent proportions. But in the end it's always girl on computer, typing her thoughts into a square of plastic.

I wonder if I will ever accomplish this. I'm terrified to try. In fact, I would much rather not, but not trying is what finally pushed my over the edge into trying again. I guess I finally decided that I would rather try and fail than pretend that it never belonged to me at all.

The type looks so gorgeous from here, and I can see the proud expression on your face when you read it for the first time.

The heart-wrenching part is that you'll never read it, and I'll never try.

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watching while you sleep

>> 12.06.2007

Print and Electronic Media Major.

It sounds a little bit weird, but then you start looking into it and it just sounds amazing.

I'm so completely excited, and that's a little bit odd because I haven't been this excited about school in a long time.




Communications Major.
More to come.
: )

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sympathy's better than having to tell you the truth

>> 11.29.2007

Lost causes.

"I just need to be sure. I need to know that this is real, and strong, and forever."

I think I'm changing my major. I'm going back to writing and letting the idea of living with the tribes go free.
This brings up a few things:
-Do I have what it takes to make it as a writer?
-In ten years will I sit and think about what I cheated myself out of by giving up?
-Is this really okay?

I feel very tired and very alive all at the same time.
I feel like life holds endless opportunites and I just have to decide which ones I want.

Cheap, cheap, cheap.
That's everything I'm afraid of.

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drrrrrrrrrrum rolllllllll

>> 11.24.2007

"Welcome back..."

"Good to be here. Ready for another adventure?"

"Hit us with your best shot, baby."

It was time. I can only contain the passion in my fingertips for so long. There are things about yourself, pieces of your soul that it is impossible to kill, no matter how long or how hard you try. I think God was a mastermind when He designed us this way.

I feel like I've aged seventy years since I was here last, and I feel like the world is so much larger and so much smaller all at once. I feel seasoned, like my soul is well-worn. It seems to me that life is a lot more rugged on some people than others.

How ironic that this should begin all over again in the last place I thought it would - "Home", if you'd like to phrase it that way. Oh, who knows. Maybe I'm just trying to make something out of nothing. Maybe all of those mountains I've climbed were really just molehills (is there such a thing?).

"Cut yourself some slack, kid. This life ain't long enough to drag it around."

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