sorry for being so bold

I just love this new office.
My computer screen is so large and clear.
My little corner is so cozy and MY OWN.
The only downside is that I have to walk a quarter of a mile to get here.
Oh well...No computer screen comes without it's price.

Anyway.

I had a revelation today when I realized just how much the Lord has taught me about relationships and people since being at school. I've always been a personable person, but never a huge intimate relationship person.
--I think part of this is due to the fact that I grew up in Utah, and finding good bosom buddies that believe in the same thing you do is about as common as finding a good mormon that enjoys a caffeinated beverage. (Sorry. Utah humor.)
So, to continue, I have discovered that I have something inside myself that cares about people, but it has a difficult time showing it's face beneath all of my selfish tendencies. (I am also quite cynical and this kills a lot of my nurturing desires as well. I do happen to be working on these problems).
I've found that I enjoy having one-on-one coffee dates with people, even with the very large opportunity for awkward silences (which I try to avoid at ALL COSTS).
I enjoy leaving notes and such for people that I think of or that I know are having a difficult time.
I enjoy laughing with a stranger that makes the same observation about the world that I do. It makes for an interesting moment and leaves me replaying it in my head with a nice feeling inside.
I enjoy holding people as they cry and tell me about the difficult things going on. I like knowing that I can simply sit with them and listen as they pour out everything they need to.
I guess I am saying that I like relationships.
But I have an odd tendency to deny them, or simply not take the time for them, because they require effort.
--One major part of depression is that simple, routine life starts to become a treadmill that you're running on and all of a sudden, someone has turned the speed up to 10 miles an hour. You know you're gonna run out of oxygen eventually, but if you try and stop you'll fall on your face and just make things worse.

I guess I'm just interested at the person that I am now, after two of some of the most refining years I have ever been through.
She's pretty different, and much of the same, and I think I am a little proud of her.

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school

eats away at my soul.
And my social calendar.

Ugh.
ONE more semester (after I somehow get through this one, of course).
Lord, give me some endurance please.

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a saturday

Mmmmmm.
Number one: it is snowing outside. Again. Why on earth does the Lord feel fit to tease us with 65 degrees one weekend and a blizzard from the north on another? I just don't understand.
Lord, I know You are awesome and wonderful and all-powerful, but You don't need to send a snowstorm every five days to remind me. In fact, seeing the sun again would remind me quite adequately.

Number two: it is Saturday and I am drinking coffee and eating cereal (because my husband finally forced me to go grocery shopping yesterday. It was getting reaaaal bad, y'all.) and I just would love to curl up and take another nap. Except that I made a big list of all the homework I am supposed to get done today and, ignore it as I might, it keeps showing up on each of my planner pages. Usually with additions. So maybe I ought to just do it, hmmmm?

Number three: all of a sudden I have this strange fear that the Lord is getting ready to make Husband and I stay in Chicago for awhile after graduation. It's just all falling together way too perfectly. All of a sudden, we are more involved in our church then I have been my entire time here. We're finding apartments close to said church well within our budget, all available at the time our lease is up. I will be interning this summer, so the semester after I graduate is suddenly open for whatever God wants us to do. I have a feeling this may involve some sort of full-time job that I just can't quit after five months.
Except here's my problem: I don't want to stay in Chicago.
I want mountains and trees and grass and SUNSHINE and nice people.
Why is it that I always want to leave somewhere that I've been?
Also, there is a large part of me that does not want to settle for that suburban split level home with my two children and my SUV (cause I am not a minivan mom. No way. Screw the environment).
Why do I have this inane fear that God is somehow going to quit taking an interest in my life and drop me into a bag of 'boring' and leave me there? He's never done that before!
Yet I can't seem to get it out of my head that one of these days my adventure will be over and I'm going to have to settle into my life of routine. Ugh.
*sidenote: this is not meant to offend any one that lives in a split level with two children and an SUV. There is part of me that longs for that very much. My fear is more about living a life of 'dull' not of having a suburban house.

Number four: the cat is still sneezing. Although, Husband and I have a growing suspicion that she simply doesn't want to go back to dry catfood and is thus pretending to be sick just so that she gets her tuna.
What a sneaky little bugger.

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illness

Ava has a cold.
Poor baby.
It's no wonder she's gotten so skinny...she can't smell her food, and if cats can't smell it, then they won't eat it.

To be honest however, my biggest relief in all of this is finally knowing what is wrong with her.
Now I know, and now I can do my best to fix it.
Finally.

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a moment

Well, if I am honest, I've been neglecting this because I didn't want to post something about how I am wallowing in my troubles.
But today there is a blue, blue sky and I have opened my windows and turned the fan on so that the old air can get out of my house, and the new stuff can come in.
Maybe that's more symbolic than I thought.

You see, the problem is this rut that I keep encountering. And I swear, either there are 25 million of the same ones scattered throughout my life, or I am simply going in circles and coming back to the original. Either way, I'm having a hard time.
And if I am honest, I am so tired of admitting that.
I am tired of being the needy wife/friend/student/daughter that cannot get through life without a bottle of pills and a visit to a counselor.
I am tired of using DEPRESSION as an excuse for why I cannot get out of bed, why it is an effort to laugh, and why I cannot seem to accomplish any schoolwork until I have to put my tail between my legs and broadcast it to my professors again.
I am tired of not being able to trust my thoughts and know if what I am thinking is the truth/believable or not.
I am tired of declaring a fresh start for myself, only to stop and think, "I didn't get started at all."

I am also scared.
I am scared that this will be the fight of my life, for the rest of my life, and also for my children's life.
I am scared that I will become that mother that locks herself in her room, neglects her kids and kills her marriage.
I am scared that I will never be happy or free.
I am scared that this is what I will write about, forever and ever, and if I don't write about it, I will have nothing else to say.

I don't want to cry anymore.
I don't want to question anymore.
I just don't want to do this anymore.

How many times have I written those words?

"When all these blessings and curses I have set before you come upon you and you take them to heart wherever the LORD your God disperses you among the nations, and when you and your children return to the LORD your God and obey him with all your heart and with all your soul according to everything I command you today, then the LORD your God will restore your fortunes and have compassion on you and gather you again from all the nations where he scattered you. Even if you have been banished to the most distant land under the heavens, from there the LORD your God will gather you and bring you back. He will bring you to the land that belonged to your fathers, and you will take possession of it. He will make you more prosperous and numerous than your fathers. The LORD your God will circumcise your hearts and the hearts of your descendants, so that you may love him with all your heart and with all your soul, and live." -Deuteronomy 30:1-6

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