contentment.

>> 2.18.2011

My days are spent remembering this:







While living in this:





Maybe the weather's starting to get to me, and I'm starting to get my S.A.D on, maybe it's a combination of pregnancy hormones and homesickness, but whatever it is, I am lacking contentment in a big way.
My self-centered, selfish human nature is whispering in my ear that I deserve more than this.

A trip to a sunny island shouldn't be so out of the question.
Getting a manicure, or a hair cut, or a massage shouldn't be such a big issue.
Going out for a nice dinner shouldn't be "not an option".

And even though I know it's not true, I've got the devil on my shoulder doing his best to make sure that I feel like I'm lacking just enough to make me want to turn and run.
If you know me, you know that I struggle with making comparisons, and looking at what other people have and finding what I don't.
It's a thorn in the flesh, and a big issue, and something I struggle through daily.
And I'm going to be honest and say that I'm struggling a lot right now.

I hate the weather.
I hate not having a car and being confined to places within walking distance.
I hate going to the grocery store and seeing nothing familiar and trying to figure out why it's called bicarbonate soda and not baking soda.
I miss being surrounded by people that know me, and know who I am, and are comfortable with that so that I don't have to modify my behavior to be accepted.
I'm tired of introducing myself and feeling like an outsider as soon as I open my mouth.

There is this, and there is so much more, but I won't go on, to spare myself some dignity.
I don't have a "happy ending" note for this, other than I am at the end of my rope, and trusting that God will take it from there.

Prayers, encouragement, and hamburgers are appreciated.
-C

5 thoughts:

Jess February 18, 2011 at 9:29 AM  

I love you so much and can relate to so much of what you are saying.... i think you feel like that no matter where you move to but moving to a diferent culture def adds to it. Hang in there love. Keep fighting and pushing through. You are so strong and I admire so much about you!!!!

Carrie February 18, 2011 at 10:07 AM  

I totally relate to this, too. That's honestly how I felt when I moved to Chicago from North Carolina. Everything was different - the weather, the lack of true, close friends, the pace, the attitudes, the culture, even the way people talked! (yes, that doesn't require moving to a different country, which caught me off guard). It took a few years for me to finally feel "at home" here. But now I LOVE it. Even the weather, though I still have my S.A.D. days, too. Over time I finally realized, this is where God wants me for now, for a reason! Once I discovered that reason, which only took a bit of asking Him, I really settled into contentment here. I don't feel content every day, but it's becoming more and more my attitude as I begin to flourish in the calling He's given me in Chicago. I know He has a purpose for you in London, too! Just keep seeking Him and I know He'll show you...

I wish I could send you a hamburger, but know you have my prayers! :)

Amy chin,  February 18, 2011 at 12:25 PM  

Hey cousin- hang in there! At our training for moving overseas last summer they warned us that the 4-6 month mark is the hardest for adjusting to your new culture and surroundings so what you are experiencing right now is completely normal. Find small ways to make it feelmore like home celebrate small victories and enjoy Kati's visit this weekend. Is there anything I can send with her that will help? In Christ-amy

Kirra Sue February 19, 2011 at 2:45 PM  

Can we Skype? I want to see your face & talk with you. I love you & I am right here praying with you & for you. Look for us- suttonsinchicago is our handle I think...do people call it a handle? Oh geez.

The Winkler's March 18, 2011 at 7:18 AM  

I know my comment is late. Gosh, that's what having a baby does to ya! You're just late to comment! But, I wanted to know that I resonate with so much of what you wrote in this post. Even though Im not far far away in England, I understand the longing to be with family, and familiarity, and just...home. And I TOTALLY understand not having the money to buy the things you feel so entitled to have. Wow do I understand that. When I left my job to stay at home, we knew it'd be a sacrifice...but I never thought it would actually meant we dont have ANY money to go on dates! Really, ben?! How can i LIVE without my coffee dates?! And I thought I knew what contentment was, simply because I can shop contentedly at the sale racks. Wow. God is really moving and working in your heart! Thanks for sharing! There really are so many young couples that are going through this gut-wrenching time of realizing that life isn't what we've always expected, and that God meets us in our despair and longing. Thanks again. :)

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