a list.

>> 5.16.2011

I've got too much swirling around in my head today to try and sort it out at length, so I'm just going to throw things out in a random list.
Maybe this will help.

*Three days after my burst of nesting energy, I am proud to say that Jameson's room is now painted, partly decorated, and he has a brand new moses basket to sleep in. Not only that, but the top of our dresser has been converted into a changing table, complete with baskets full of onesies and sleepers for when he poops all over himself in the middle of the night. Also, my hospital bag is pretty much packed and I even printed out our "birth plan", so if I go into labor tomorrow (not likely) we're prepared.
I'll post some pictures of the nursery as soon as we get the rest of the decor hung...It's so cute, and I can't believe how much I am in love with it.

*Went to an aqua class after being out of it for a week or so. (The bank holidays over here really throw a wrench in your daily schedule...all of my classes at the gym were canceled for two weeks and I just couldn't muster up the energy to go to the gym on my own. Except once.) It was a good class, and it felt good to work my muscles again, but at the same time I couldn't help but sit there and feel guilty for not doing more through this pregnancy. I know that I've done well, and I am proud of myself for not turning into the whale-monster that I was afraid of when I first got pregnant. It's just that nagging problem I have of tearing myself down and finding ways to turn myself into a failure.
Before I got pregnant, I had finally gotten to a place in my life where I was consistently in control of my body. My weight was where I wanted it to be, I finally felt like I looked good, and I actually began to believe that I was not at the mercy of my random DNA makeup. Going into pregnancy, I knew that my body was going to change, and I knew that it was important for me to do as much as I could to ensure that it changed in the right way. Although I've done that, and have stayed in the recommended weight gain, I still have these moments where I feel like I just should have done more. I'm sure there's a lesson from the Lord in here somewhere, about being patient and learning to value myself, but to be really honest, I just can't wait until Jameson is here and I am able to go back to being in control of my body, because it's on a mutiny right now and I don't have much choice except to wait it out.

*I miss America. A lot. And at the moment, this is not because I hate England (although I have my moments), this is simply because I miss my home. That, and really good cheeseburgers.

There is more, but my 8-month pregnant brain just can't handle rustling it up.
Please don't read this and think that I'm still consistently down.
I'm not. 
It's just tonight, and it's just these moments of fear and doubt.
In truth, God has been good to us, and we are in a much better place than we were a few months ago. Things are definitely not perfect, and we're still slogging through, but there needs to be an acknowledgement of blessing and provision, because He showed up.
Just like we hoped He would.

1 thoughts:

Jess May 16, 2011 at 2:41 PM  

America misses you too but is excited for your little buddle of love to get here!

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