things i don't understand.

>> 5.21.2011

I don't even know what words to use to begin to write anymore.
I don't know where to start, and I don't think I'll ever know where it ends.
There is so much, so much, and I just don't know how to sort through it all and make it come out the way I want it to.

I don't understand why God is the way He is, and why He lets some things happen, and stops other things dead in their tracks.

I don't understand His logic or His wisdom, and every time I think I have His character nailed down, I come across something else that changes it dramatically.

I don't understand His purposes, or His timing, or even His will. I'm not sure whether or not I believe that God has all of the minute details of my life laid out, or just exactly how much He's going to leave up to me to figure out. 

I don't know if moving to England was "God's will" for us, and I know even less about whether we should stay here long-term or look at moving on to somewhere else. 

I don't know whether God chose my husband for me, or if I made that decision, and then it became what God would have me do. I do know that God has molded us together over the past three years, and we have become "the One" for each other, but I'm not sure that I can say that my husband was the only one out there for me in the beginning.

I don't understand why God chose to bless us with a (so far) healthy baby boy that is growing in my belly who I get closer and closer to meeting every day, when He has somehow seen fit to take other growing babies away from women who would make far better mothers than I.

I don't understand why it is so easy for me to question God through the difficulties, and yet live a lukewarm life through the times where I am not desperate for answers. Why does my heart waver so much?

I am so thirsty. 
I long to know and be full to the brim with the knowledge and understanding of this God that loves me.
More than anything, I want to trust Him through everything.
I want to be a woman so full of faith that nothing can shake me.

I'm clearly not there yet.
And I don't think I'll ever completely understand.

But for now there is a child inside of me, a husband that shows me what sacrificial love looks like on a daily basis and a small enough seed of faith to push me through to the other side.
And that is enough.

5 thoughts:

eliseloyola May 21, 2011 at 7:47 AM  

Thank you for posting this. I needed to read it; I so often have similar feelings.

Just know that someone (actually several someones) on the other side of this big world loves you and misses you and will support you through it all.

Rach May 21, 2011 at 9:31 AM  

Good thoughts, and awesome picture!

Kari Kotter May 21, 2011 at 10:31 AM  

Cami, you are amazing! I just love reading your blog. You are a beautiful, strong women who will be an amazing mother! You, the husband, and God will do a great job raising this baby!

Jess May 21, 2011 at 10:32 PM  

A big whopping agree with Elise.

Keep writing... cause I love reading it.

Jesse Mendez May 22, 2011 at 5:09 PM  

Hi how are you?

I was looking through your blog, and it is nice, so I want to invite you to follow my blog, and if you follow me, I will follow yours...


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