satisfied.

This can't be long, as I have to get ready to dash out the door to my ice cream shop job, but I felt like I had to sit and record a moment of happiness in my life.

My contented moments are few and far between and so when one hits, I need to acknowledge it wholeheartedly.

I am writing, and getting paid for it.

In fact, I have so much work that I am confident I will be taking this on as a full-time job soon.

Can I tell you how wonderfully happy this makes me?

I've been determined to be a writer since I was fourteen. And it's actually happening.

People are giving me money to put words on pages!

I feel so accomplished because for the first time in my life, I saw something that I wanted more than anything, and went after it. And it's working...I'm succeeding.

God has blessed me immensely with a friend who is already freelancing, and she has been gracious enough to pass on clients.

I am getting orders for more and more articles, and each time another one comes in, I simply smile and think, "Wow. I'm actually doing this."

I don't think I've ever been so satisfied or fulfilled with my work before, and it is a wonderfully delicious feeling.

I am so, so grateful.

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the long haul

Words escape me.
The fluidity I used to have is gone, and in it's place is a gaping hole that I keep trying to fill with sleep, cleaning, work, and anything else that will keep me busy.

I miss writing.
I miss the ease, and the intensity of it.
I miss having something to say, and a burning need to say it.

I don't know where this is going. I don't know why I'm trying to fill the void, and spit something into the black hole of "internet".
Maybe it's just me trying to remind someone that I'm here, and I'm alive and I want more than I've got right now.

I'm sure that my moaning about contentment (or lack thereof) is getting old, and for that I apologize. Apparently, it's a lesson that I need schooling in often.

To end this on a positive note: the 4th of July was fun, especially since I have an English husband and this is the most American holiday possible. I always go all out, if possible. : )

(cute lil' englishman--note the book he brought.)


(yay America!)


(peace at last)


(it started to rain, and we realized the blanket we brought was actually a duvet cover--so, we crawled inside. haha)


(--we are in it)

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betrayal

It's difficult today.

Fighting back the argument that I am the reason I have found myself alone in this city without a familiar face to talk to and laugh with.
I'm reminding myself that college wasn't the end-all, be-all of my life and the point of going there was to accomplish my degree, and not set myself up with my "best friends EVER!" for the rest of my life.
But there are still moments like today, where it is so easy to look around and see moments that I missed, laughs I did not hear, and relationships that I am not a part of.

I just wish I was there already, settled in, happy, with people I could trust.

I think I miss that the most...trusting people.

Ugh.
Ugh, ugh, UGH.

Fall seven times, get up eight.

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resignation

Well...I'm going to be brutally honest and say that the reason it's been one month since I've posted something is because I had this huge ginormous goal that I had almost met, and I made a deal with myself that I wouldn't write until it had been accomplished.

I have not yet met that goal, and I gave up trying for a good while.

But the fact that my fingers are typing on this computer is testimony to the fact that I do not yet have even myself, or any part of this life figured out, and God continues to teach me about both.

I am learning that life is not about me in any way shape or form, and yet, I am not an accident.

I am learning that everything I do must be driven by the ultimate desire to serve God, even when what I am doing seems trivial or unimportant.

I am learning that there are good things about this life I am living right now, such as:
sunshine,
aqua blue nail polish,
gluten-free sections in the grocery store,
laughing with strangers,
walking and biking everywhere I need to go,
free vases of tulips,
and my ever-loving, truly amazing husband.

I'm going to keep trying to stop being restricted by who I want to be, and start being liberated by who I am.

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resolve

There are things in life that will not happen unless I make them happen.
Sadly enough, this can cause problems for the extreme procrastinator that I am and also cause undue amounts of stress about not "seizing the day".
I always wake up full of hope which is promptly quenched around one o'clock when I decide that I simply do not have enough energy to follow through on those small dreams for the day.
This leads to lots of regret and discontent in my life, and rather than sit and complain about it until I turn eighty, I have chosen this day to try and make a small change.

I want to write again.
I miss the passion and frequency I had before I boiled it down to a science, fit it neatly into my box, and packed it away with my college degree.
I will write, and I will not put rules on it. I will let it flow and twist and writhe and pour out into words that may or may not coherently fit together.
If I can make a living out of it, good.
If not, even better.

Instead of doing something for the end result, I will do something simply to do it.
Instead of analyzing every move in my life, I will just move.
Sometimes without reason, and sometimes without thought.
But at least I will not be still and stuck.

I am going to use this body that I have exercised and taken care of.
Otherwise, what is the point?
Why work so hard to keep something in good condition if you're not going to take it and see everything that it is capable of?

What am I capable of?

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one hundred.

I've faced this empty page 100 times, and poured out my thoughts.

I feel like I should have something profound to say, but, I don't. I feel oddly like Joy Williams in her latest blog post...like the words have left me for a season.
This is scary, and unfortunate, but at the same time I cannot press myself to create.
I've never worked that way, and I wouldn't want to.

God brings the words as He sees fit, and I don't have much other to do with it, except write them down.

As a final addendum, I got a job.
I scoop ice cream and I love it.
I don't have to think too much, rather I just chat with friendly people and make them smile as I hand them a cone full of sugar.
It's nice.

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Scrape.

I'm trying not to let it get to me.
Trying to remind myself that life takes care of itself, and God takes care of life.

But really...after awhile it just gets disheartening.
I don't know why I worked so hard those four years of school for that shiny piece of paper in my diploma cover.
Why did I spend SO many nights not sleeping and pounding out papers, if not for a purpose and a dream?
Why did I cry and scream and plead with God to just get me through it all if I was going to end up sitting in coffee shops looking at jobs I won't get and thinking about what to cook for dinner?

I don't understand this and it frustrates me.
There has got to be more than this, and I don't get the waiting part.
Why?
No, really, why?

I missed out on the sunshine today so that I can sit and send out fifty resumes.
I didn't take my camera out because I needed to find somewhere to make money.
I gave up what I wanted for what I needed, and still came up empty handed.

This has got to end.

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collide

To seek the truth...to find the truth.

Strive, and push, and ponder, and deal with the things that are unearthed along the way.

Your life is a journey, and there is nothing at the end except for death (and what comes after).

What will you have left behind after you've gone?

Because you cannot take anything with you.

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hope.

There is a sense of promise in the sky today, and I am finding it easier to breathe because I have a date.
We are moving out in mid-July.

I'm not sure where yet (there are possibilities), and I'm not sure what we'll be doing when we get there, but the point is that God is letting us go.

He has kept me and sustained me for the past three years here in Chicago, and He is finally going to release me of this burden that I feel when I'm here.

But let me just pause for a moment, and say something:
I realize that so often on here all that you twelve readers hear is me complain and argue and rant against God.
Please understand that what you read here is a smidgen of my life and my attitude. I am honestly trying to seek God and be content wherever it is that He has placed me. I just happen to be a strong, ferocious woman who doesn't like doing what she has to do sometimes. So when I get stuck between a rock and a hard place, the easiest way for me to cope with it is to write about it. However, I just want to reinforce that I truly, truly believe that if God had called us to stay in Chicago long-term, that He would not only get me through it, but give me a sense of joy and peace about being here.
And it's not like I have completely despised my time here. This has been a wonderful place for me, on many occasions. God brought me here to meet my husband, He gave me a college degree here, and so many other amazing things.
So all of this to say that I have really appreciated being here, and I am sure I will miss this place when I am gone.

But for now, I am thrilled to know that I will be able to start settling my life in a few short months!

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no name.

There is sun.

The Amelie soundtrack is playing, and I have finished my cup of tea.

I have to leave for work in eight minutes, and if I think about that too much I may start to panic. So let's just not think about it.

There is a foot of snow on the ground, and it is cold.

I am seeking, seeking, seeking.

When will I be found?

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a request

As absurd as this may sound, there are moments in life where I am angry at God.

For as long as I can remember, I have sifted, and strained, and stalked through people's lives looking for the details that mean they have it better than I do. I struggle with contentment, and it is more of a burden than I thought possible.

I am so quick to take in the joyful moments of other people's lives and think, "Why don't I have that? What is so different and special about them that they get everything I want?" And how quick am I to relish in the moments where I see others going through hard times, simply so that I can know that I am not alone in my imperfect life.

And this is a risk, sharing this. This is opening up the monster, and letting her crawl out. This is allowing the darkest, nastiest parts of my soul emerge into the light for others to examine.
Because this the truth.

I am selfish, and mean. I am not content, and I want everything that I do not have. I have the ability to compare and complain in any situation, and I am good at it.

I am an ugly sinner who deserves nothing that she has, and everything that she has been spared.

And in the middle of all of it, I have the still-tiny cry in my head saying, "But surely you're not that bad. Surely you deserve some good things in your life!"

That, my fellow readers, is the depth of my depravity.

A few weeks ago, I heard a sermon given on Cain and Abel. Obviously, a commonly known story, and one in which not much new information was going to be revealed. Yet, I cannot stop thinking about it...there was one phrase the pastor delivered that has been sewn into my brain, and it attacks me at my weakest moments. He said this:

"Jealousy is not wanting what someone else has. Jealousy is resenting that person for getting what you did not, and wondering why they are so much more privileged."

That, my friends, is exactly it.

He then went on to say that we must confess our sins to the Lord, and also to each other. If we truly want to be delivered out of bondage, we have to let the light into the dark places, and allow someone else to help us be accountable.

You are my flashlight.
This is my dark place.

Please help me out of here.

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a mixture

There are lots of things swirling around today, and as usual, I'm going to be cryptic about them and simply say that I am trying to experience my emotions in moderation.

Or at least balance things out a little.
So, to negate the complaints I have in my head today, let me simply say that the sky was blue and beautiful and I actually accomplished capturing it through my lens.




"The Lord bless you and keep you, the Lord make his face shine upon you and give you peace."

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sustain

I have been to the gym every day.
I have read five books in a week.
The apartment is clean, I have cooked dinner, and made the bed.

What does it mean when I just want to be busy all the time instead?

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the beginning

And...here we are.

Christmas break in Utah is over, I have graduated from college, and am working on getting settled in to "real life".

I'm sitting in Starbucks and thinking about how completely surreal this moment is. It's 3:24 pm on a Thursday afternoon and I have no pressing engagements anywhere. No homework to worry about or papers to desperately scribble out. I've been to the gym today, made my bed this morning, and cuddled with my cat.
There is no rush.

It's weird, because I almost feel a void where the rush was. Like I'm leaning forward on my tiptoes to overcompensate for the huge gust of stress that I am sure must be coming. Almost like I'm looking for something to worry about so that I'll have a "purpose" in my daily life.

I'm beginning to realize that I have forgotten how to live.

There is nothing wrong with goals, and work, and college degrees. However, they tend to suck away at you, and make you forget the purpose behind everything you're doing. Suddenly the work becomes the purpose, and you put your whole self into that.
But then the work finishes up, and you are left looking for something to do, so that your life can feel useful again.

I'm trying to remind myself that the reason I worked so hard was to get to this spot in time, this moment where I can sit and be free of nagging obligations or stresses. But (there's always a but, isn't there?) it's difficult. I seem to be realizing that I have always measured myself according to the tasks I was completing, the jobs I was getting done.

To be honest, I think I am afraid of this looming emptyness.
I am afraid of being looked over and left behind.

I don't want to be the one waiting while everyone else gets on with their life.
But really, what does getting on with life even look like?

So, in the wake of the New Year, here are my goals (or ambitions. Maybe that's a better word) for keeping myself focused on right now.

Be the best wife to my husband that I possibly can.
That is who God has called me to serve, and I want to do it with the best of my ability.

Focus on getting my body healthy, and watch the kind of food I am putting into it.
I want to spend as many years of my life with said husband as possible.

Re-discover my relationship with the Lord and the passion I have to serve Him.
For so long the world has gotten in the way, but I am making a statement for the public to read, that God needs to be my number one priority again. Finding a purpose isn't going to come without that.

So, here we go, 2010!

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complete.

Well...

I did it!!!

I am, officially, a Moody Bible Institute Graduate.
Thank you, sweet Lord Jesus.















And the best part about it all?

My parents flew in and surprised me.

I was totally and completely clueless.
It was the most special thing that anyone has ever done. (Well, besides the part where my amazing husband fell in love with me and asked me to marry him in Paris. But this is a close second. : )

We made it!!!

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i'm here...somewhere

I'm still alive (barely) and scraping through (barely).

Graduation is on Saturday, and I'm sure I'll have more to say afterwards.
But until then, this little notice of my existence will have to suffice.

I am ALMOST DONE.

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quit.

I am so, so tired today.
It's a worn out kind of tired, not a lack-of-sleep tired.
I'm just losing motivation.

School is over in three and a half weeks. I have a monumental amount to accomplish before I get there, and as deadlines are looming, my inspiration is drying up. I have had writer's block for four weeks already.
This is terrifying.

Relationships are wearing thin, and I'm just waiting for the rubber band to snap and break. Things are coming to a close on so many levels and winter is on it's way and I cannot help but stand here and think about how gray everything looks.
It's so easy to think about the future and ignore where you're actually standing.

The end is so close that I can taste it, but it's not here yet and I'm having a hard time with that.

I'm actually going to finish something this time, but I still have to finish it.

DUH.

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build-up

I'm in some sort of creative funk.
I sit down to write and I've got nothing. Literally no words.

This scares me in some ways, considering that I am a month and a half away from graduating from college with the title of "Writer" slapped across my forehead in an answer to post-grad plans.

Umm...what happens when a writer can't write?

I'm hoping that all of this is simply due to being overwhelmed and stressed out by recent and recurring events in my life right now. I guess my goal is to get through to the end, and then pick up words in a few months.

In other news, the sun is shining and I have my beautiful camera with me today. Maybe I'll take some blog-worthy shots.

; )

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breathe without you

I want my kitty.

I want to take beautiful pictures and become famous and run away.

I want to write my heart out, and know that someone else thought it was worth their time.

I want to be destroyingly complex, and disturbingly simple.

I want to breakout of here, out of this funk and move into the sunshine.

I want to not want anymore, but to be still and sit where I am.

I am not alive, I am not afraid, I am not alone.

I am waiting, and wishing, and I know that You can see me.

This is not a clean break. And now I'm raggedy on the inside.

--Love you and miss you baby. Play with your sister, and I'll see you there someday soon.

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the cats are fighting and there's tension in the air this morning.
Maybe it's the rain.

I don't know what to do with myself.
I'm supposed to write and dream up creative things.
I'm supposed to vacuum the floors and neaten the house.

Instead I am
distracted
confused
hurt
upset
procrastinating
cold
tired
and
trying to be content in this.

In Philippians, Paul talks about having joy in the midst of everything else. And I guess he would know, considering he was in jail while he wrote all of that.
I just wonder, how is it that he is able to have joy in prison, while I am struggling to find true contentment in a solid house with four walls and a roof?
I know Paul was a spiritual giant and all that, but is it really so unlikely for someone in today's society to find the same joy that he had? I feel like that is selling ourselves short, claiming that since Paul wrote Scripture, he obviously had "ins" to God that we don't get today.

We know the same God. He hasn't changed any since then.

"For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe on him, but also to suffer for him..."
-Philippians 1:29

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