and over again.

>> 2.19.2012

It's kind of amazing to me how quickly my attitude can change when I am faced with a blinking, blank Word document, knowing that I have to hammer out 800 words on some mundane topic, as opposed to the "post" page that is just waiting for me to say whatever it is that I want.

I mean, we all know that I have a problem with authority and people telling me what to do, but this is a little ridiculous.

Anyway.

I kind of had a breakdown on the living room floor the other night.

I finished putting Jameson to bed, and as soon as I walked into the living room, he started to fuss. I had the weight of a week's worth of work needing to be finished in one night on my back, and I just couldn't take it anymore.
I didn't even cry (at first), I just laid flat on my back in the middle of the carpet and stared at the ceiling while babbling on about everything crammed into my too-small-to-carry-it-all-around brain.

"I just want to do what I'm created to do, and I don't even know what that is. I just want to do that thing that brings fulfillment, that lets me know that I am doing that thing that God put inside of me to do, but I can't find it. And how do I know when to fight for a dream that I think I could have, or settle for a life of responsibility?"

And then my wise and patient and ever-loving husband said, "What if you're not supposed to do all of the things you were created to do all at once?"

And I just thought, "I guess I'd never thought of that before."

Which is kind of dumb that I hadn't, if we're being honest. I mean, I've always tried to approach my life as having seasons, and I don't know how I didn't relate certain seasons of life to the things I'm supposed to be doing at certain times.
I was clearly not meant to be a wife and mother when I was seventeen and in college.
I probably won't be raising children when I'm seventy and living in my dream house (right? Ha).

But seriously. I'm here.
I'm a wife and a mother right now. That's what I do, it's who I am.
I also happen to write a little bit on the side to bring in some money, and if I'm not completely mentally inept after finishing that, I spit out messy words on a computer in the hopes that someone else will see and understand.
Maybe someday, or maybe even tomorrow, someone will see these words (or I'll get up the guts/energy/willpower to send them to someone) and they'll say to me, "Hey. I really think you've got important things to say, and the way you say them is intriguing and relate-able, and we want to give you some money to write more of these things and tell them to more people."
And I will be a happy, happy lady.

But for now, I need to focus on being here.
(Isn't that what it always comes back to, for me? Seriously, I don't know how anyone can keep reading this--it's got to get so redundant after awhile!)
I am enough, even without all of those roles.
I am enough when I don't write, when I don't mother, and when I don't wife.
I am enough in this depraved body, because Christ said I was enough.
And if He said so, why am I trying to say otherwise?

Ladies and Gentlemen, here sits Camille Nicole, back in the place she always finds herself--the beginning.

And it's okay.

4 thoughts:

Rach February 19, 2012 at 2:53 PM  

I understand, and kind of feel like that...often. Who am I supposed to be, exactly? What do I do that will bring God glory and fulfill me?


I find the idea of seasons really helpful. The other thought that gets me through is remembering that I'm 23. I have time, to figure this crazy life out. :)

Adventures In Babywearing February 19, 2012 at 8:06 PM  

Oh, it really is. I just want to do what I'm supposed to do and I bet if I'd just sit still for a moment I'd be able to figure it all out.

Steph

Alli February 20, 2012 at 11:10 AM  

good call, Daveo! wow... such a word from the Lord. i think i struggle with that, too... remembering that now that I'm out of school it doesn't mean i have to fulfill all my life's purposes Right Now. but it's so hard when life isn't scheduled out into such obvious portions and seasons anymore! it's so hard when you have to make those decisions on your own! thank goodness for spouses and another perspective

Kacie February 20, 2012 at 2:42 PM  

I've wrestled with this too. It spurred three blog posts a couple of years ago, starting here:

http://wellthoughtoutlife.blogspot.com/2009/07/vocation-job-career-or-sacred-calling.html

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