flashback friday

>> 2.10.2012

A snippet of a post that I started writing, but never finished:

I'm homesick today (but I'm not sure I can even explain what that means).

It's the middle of July, and there are rainclouds in the sky and a cool breeze blowing through the trees, and I just sit and think, "Where is summer?"

My son is sleeping in his swing right across from me, and the thoughts that tackle me when I look at him are overwhelming. The future seems so uncertain, especially with this new little guy, and I just feel like I am treading on unstable ground. Every day is different, down to how much sleep I get and how I feel physically. This is the biggest life change I've ever experienced, and I think I'm still in shock from it all.

I worry so much more now. I worry about his breathing, and his crying, and the little spots on his face, and the faces he makes, and all of the 'what-ifs' that hit me when we walk out the front door.

If I let it, this anxiety could consume me.
I'm sure I could attribute this to all of the hormones making their way out of my body right now, but I also know that this is probably just going to be the battle I fight for the rest of my life.
I'm a momma now, and suddenly, my heart is encapsulated in this little person, which means that I will always worry.

Six months later, and I am happy to report that the anxiety has gotten easier to manage, but is still around.

Looking back at this, I feel like I've gotten some sort of a handle on motherhood, even if it's just that I know my son now, and so am more familiar with what is normal (and what is not). I think the pendulum has swung the other way, and now I'm working on finding a balance between being a mom, and a wife, and still being myself and doing the things that feed my soul.

Any tips are greatly appreciated.

1 thoughts:

Alli February 13, 2012 at 10:47 AM  

thanks for sharing about anxiety. i went through a long, dark period of depression and anxiety that has slowly dissipated over the last year and i feel i've finally gotten some life and energy back. i didn't really know who to talk to about it or how, but now i know that so many people struggle with it. i'm not sure where my started, but i know the beginning of it was during the last few months i was nannying and i became so full of anxiety doing childcare that i started having small panic attacks and actually had to quit. i realized it was bad when i was just helping out a friend by watching her kid for 2 hours with the help of my husband and had a really bad panic attack. i ended up taking a long break from being with kids (obviously something you can't do :)) but i think it was more than just the kids. i know it had to do with the pressure i felt in my job, the trauma of life change (graduating college, getting married, trying to deal with huge decisions and where life was headed) and things like that. my husband was always there for me, holding me while i cried, and praying for me - encouraging me to trust God. it's been a hard road but I've been able to get some of my sight back on God and trusting him (and starting to take melatonin to help me sleep has helped a lot).
i guess i don't have a lot of practical encouragement but that you are not alone, God really does care and is in control of your (and your baby's!) life, and some of the trauma of life changes will start to go away in time.

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