an in-bed, typing-on-my-phone post.

>> 2.16.2012

I can't sleep.
There are so many things on my mind that I feel like my brain is going to explode.
Am I a good mother?
Am I hippy enough, what other natural things am I missing?
How much time do I devote to natural living, and how do I do it with a biblical worldview?
How do I even claim a biblical worldview when I haven't even made the time to sit down and be with the Lord for the past few days?
Am I teaching my son enough to set a foundation for the rest of his life?
How do I motivate myself to complete the mundane and unfulfilling work I do, while also pursuing work that I love?
Where is the balance between doing what you have to because you have to and fighting for a dream that might be too big?
How do you know that you're going to be the dreamer that makes it?
How do you know when the sacrifices a dream require are worth it? If I don't work this mundane job, my family doesn't have enough money to pay rent. So how can I all-of-a-sudden just up and say that I'm not going to do it anymore because I want to really take a stab at writing for myself? The whole "you've got what it takes" thing is nice, and encouraging, but when do you decide that reality has to take over and practicalities need to reign prominent?

I feel like I'm going in circles.
I feel like I keep coming up against the same questions and not getting any answers.
I feel like God has been silent for so long, that it is hard for me to remember what He sounds like.
I feel angry at Him, and then I feel ashamed for feeling angry, because how can I be mad at the God that has given me everything? But how can I not be angry at a God that has promised me a life abundant, and yet has left us in this financial and emotional state for over a year now?
How do I balance serving God because He simply is, with expecting great things of Him because I am supposed to ask and expect great things?

I want a revival.
I want deliverance.
I want to be so much more than I am: more patient, more loving, more faithful, more bold, more understanding, more humble, more like Him.
I want answers and I want to be satisfied with them.
I want to thrive, rather than just get by.
I want the eternal.

2 thoughts:

Kari Kotter February 16, 2012 at 6:32 PM  

I understand exactly how you are feeling!

Mandy Enter,  February 17, 2012 at 1:22 AM  

I completely feel you on this, Cami! Try not to be discouraged. Remember that God's plans for your life far exceed the circumstances of your day! (or week, or month...) I have to remind myself of that one all the time. :)

And p.s. - you wrote that whole thing from your phone?! LOL! Awesome. :)

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