the have and have nots.

>> 8.10.2012

just a moment.

For the last few weeks, I kind of feel like I've focused on the ligher, more surface-y side of life.

The weekend chronicles, the ridiculous mom-wear that I sport, the random thoughts I have during massages...

But there's always something there, just simmering under the surface and I don't know what to do with it.

Jameson is nearly 13 1/2 months old. I should be far beyond the "adjustment" period of life with a child. My body has officially replenished itself of all the nutrients and things that Jameson took while he was growing. I've lost all the baby weight and a little bit extra. I should be back to normal.

So why am I not?
Why do I still wake up in a fog, and still feel so exhausted at the thought of all the things to come?
Why is living such a difficulty, and why am I swallowed up in guilt about things so small that they shouldn't really matter?
Why does this darkness come in waves, and snatch away the good moments that I do have?
Why can't I just put a name and a face to this monster, so that I know how to fight it?

Part of me knows that some of this stems from where we live and the situation that we're in.
After so much defeat in England, I feel like I've kind of emotionally died inside a little, almost as a form of self-preservation. I've put up a lot of walls to dull the emotion so that I don't have to deal with the pain of failure and difficulty that we're experiencing.

I don't see the wonder in the rain anymore, or glory in a field full of flowers.
I don't find meaning in the wind, or dream about the passions that I used to have.
I don't do things just to do them anymore, because that takes energy that I don't possess.

And that makes me sad, because I know that I'm somewhat of a shell of who I used to be.
It's like living life in black and white and gray instead of the vibrant colors I used to see.

And I just want to heal.
I just want to be happy, and to laugh without it taking effort, and to be vibrant and passionate and bursting with life.

So I will keep moving. Keep living.
Keep waking up in the morning and taking deep breaths.
Because what else can I do?

--linking up with The Wiegand's

8 thoughts:

Anonymous,  August 10, 2012 at 5:37 AM  

I often look back on my life and try to conjure up energy to transform back into who I used to be...but i'm realizing more and more that I'm not that girl. I'm a new woman, wife, mother and life has changed. Some days it looks as if I've changed for the worst, other days for the better. No matter what, I've got to get up and LIVE again.
You know the cheesy saying "bloom where you are planted"? Well, sometimes those cheesy sayings actually have some truth to them =) Just choose to bloom, amidst the elements that seem to harbor your growth. Don't live for yesteryear but for today...for the future. Go well!

eliseloyola August 10, 2012 at 8:20 AM  

I love your honesty and raw emotion. The ability to be so truthful on something so public takes such bravery. And no matter what you feel, you are brave and beautiful. Love you, girl.

Megan August 10, 2012 at 11:03 AM  

I agree. This is so brave to confess. I think your wrestlings are so valid. I appreciate being allowed to hear about them. I always feel like you're on the precipice of some spiritual discovery when I read. It feels so much like you're working toward an understanding. It's uncomfortable for now. Painful even.

Thank you for sharing.

Corrie,  August 10, 2012 at 12:37 PM  

Maybe I shouldn't comment on this because I'm not a mom and I really don't know you that well. But I'm going to because...it's the internet world and that's what we do.

Tim and I have been in Akron for 3 1/2 years and parts of me have been suffocated like you said. I can't imagine relocating to another country and then becoming a mom. But I can imagine what I've gone through.

While we've been here people keep telling me to make the best of my situation. They tell me to try harder. To make more friends and to learn to love where I am. I get it. That's a very good thing to do. I don't know how intense your sadness is or how deep your longing. But the grass is almost never greener on the other side. It's just another shade of dead.

Tim and I are moving back to LA so I can pursue my career. He's going to get some mediocre job to pay our bills. In a lot of ways I feel totally cliche. We worked in ministry - realized it was hard - and now it looks like we're backing out. Moving in with my parents back to a city I don't like very much. In a lot of ways it still feels like I'm putting something off.

I don't know what I tell myself during my darkest moments. Now that there's an end to this dreary tunnel it's easier to feel the fresh air. I usually try to distract myself, to pass the time until I feel better. Watch more movies, more BBC dramas. Less thinking.

Normally, at the brink of a change like this, I would be full of optimism - we're finally leaving Ohio! But I'm not. Because we're still a long way away from our dreams. Oh our dreams.

As much as I'm sure God is honored by my hopes to be my best for him and to serve him - I'll never be fulfilled by those dreams. Even if I write the next Harry Potter, if I can have my retreat cottage in the woods and my downtown flat. If I can write for a living and Tim does what he likes, if our house looks like an HGTV model or whatever. I'll never be fulfilled. Because those are the kinds of things that were meant to fill us. They weren't built for that. They won't hold up under pressure. You know what is, though. Who is.

Our dreams should be the cherry on top, but never the feast before.

Dannii August 10, 2012 at 5:12 PM  

I know exactly how you feel, I take every day as it comes, I might not be a mum but I understand what you are saying and somedays you wonder why you bother. It is brave to admit it and that is the first step.
If you haven't been to your doctor about it, I strongly recommend you tell them how you are feeling or even print them a copy of this off.

Kirra August 12, 2012 at 3:02 PM  

this breaks my heart. and i know the feelings. the issues i developed during pregnancy that the doctors couldn't understand haven't subsided & it's been really hard these last 2 weeks realizing they wouldn't just "go away" with pregnancy- like we were hoping. the gi doctor is going to be able to finally take a look inside my tummy & (ick) colon- but he's leaning towards my diagnosis being one of 3 incurable chronic diseases- chrone's, colitis, or ibs. i mean. you've gotta be freaking kidding me. i totally get that feeling of being in a shell of your former self- and struggling so hard to just be alive, be present. i told taylor that if it's one of those 3 things it's going to feel like falling into a big black hole with no way out. i have no idea how to take care of eliana on my own with chronic nausea & an upset tummy. it's totally overwhelming.

sorry to make this comment about me! i just wanted you to know i can relate- and i can feel your pain & feel your longing for yourself to return. i say everyday in my head- "i just want to be a wife. to be a mommy. to be myself."

keep holding on to christ. it's all we can do.

love you.

Desiree Slocum,  August 14, 2012 at 1:12 PM  

Maybe what you're feeling could be called depression? Even a mild form of depression? (is depression a dirty word nowadays? lol I'm not sure)Or maybe not depression. Maybe just the incredible stress of becoming responsible for an innocent human life? Or maybe you're just feeling drained of yourself..being a parent can take alot, if not everything, out of you. Being a mom can sometimes feel like all your guts, soul, powers are sucked and scraped out..you end up like a dish that's been licked clean. And then you wonder, where do I go to replenish myself? To refill my insides, to gain fresh strength for my spirit, heart, mind? Well that's how I feel somtimes, not sure if you feel the same way. You give so much of your self, inside and out 24/7, to your child when you're a mom. No wonder moms get tired. :)

I think the "adjustment period" may have an indefinite life-span. It may last your son's whole life, because he will always be presenting you with new situations to adjust to (as he grows, changes). Although, my child is only 4, so I don't know from experience when the adjustment period ends..I'm still in it, still exhausted.

My guess is that you are tired and have guilt because you care so intensely about your son's future and about doing things right as a mom, that you're pressuring yourself and maybe worrying alot. For what it's worth, I think you're doing very very well, from what little I can see.

As far as the dark feelings you are having. I feel the same way. I've felt this way for 4 years now. Ever since my daughter was born. I call it depression. Not severe depression, but rather mild to moderate depression. I know why I became depressed. Because everything changed (for the worse, it sometimes seems) after she was born. My husband left me, cheated on me, told me that I am worthless. He also deserted our child. I'm the only parent she's ever known, or had, and it looks like it'll be that way for a long time. The pressure I feel to give her a good life on my own is just immense. Too immense for words.

Even little things like getting stretch marks during pregnancy, made me feel like a failure. I felt like I had to be perfect, even physically, in order to be a good wife and mom. I now realize how twisted and upside down this way of thinking is. It's ludacris. I'm letting go of the false idea of perfection, and that type of perfectionism.

Letting go might help you, too. Most of my dark feelings are triggered and fueled by ungodly, un-Christ-like ways of viewing myself, God, others, life. Like depending on myslef instead of on God (I don't worry about being the one to give Lila a life when I realize and believe that it's not me who is providing for her..it's God, and He has the perfect plan for her life, and He can actaully do it, whereas I can't do anything without Him). Also, viewing yourself with unconditional love and respect..the way Jesus views and treats you. Let go, let God.

It's great that you shared this blog. You're being real, and people respond to that. Your honesty has struck a chord with us. Everyone wants to say, "Me too!" Although we go through different hardships, we often feel the same way about our hardships and have the same insecurities. Wonderful writing, Cami!

Dori Anderson August 15, 2012 at 12:20 PM  

Cami, i so agree with Dierdre. Depression is difficult to deal with, and the weight of mothering, the effects of sin, the constant Accuser whispering in our ears all take it's toll. Don't be afraid to look for medical help. You know my story- i waited until in my 30's to get on an antidepressant- bad idea. I could have saved myself and my sons a lot of grief by swallowing my pride and self doubt (interesting combo) and getting help much sooner. If you're worried that it's somehow cheating, or taking the "easy road". believe me, there are plenty of challenges even when you find the right med! Love ya, and praying for you. Dori

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