There are lots of things swirling around today, and as usual, I'm going to be cryptic about them and simply say that I am trying to experience my emotions in moderation.
Or at least balance things out a little.
So, to negate the complaints I have in my head today, let me simply say that the sky was blue and beautiful and I actually accomplished capturing it through my lens.
"The Lord bless you and keep you, the Lord make his face shine upon you and give you peace."
I have been to the gym every day.
I have read five books in a week.
The apartment is clean, I have cooked dinner, and made the bed.
What does it mean when I just want to be busy all the time instead?
And...here we are.
Christmas break in Utah is over, I have graduated from college, and am working on getting settled in to "real life".
I'm sitting in Starbucks and thinking about how completely surreal this moment is. It's 3:24 pm on a Thursday afternoon and I have no pressing engagements anywhere. No homework to worry about or papers to desperately scribble out. I've been to the gym today, made my bed this morning, and cuddled with my cat.
There is no rush.
It's weird, because I almost feel a void where the rush was. Like I'm leaning forward on my tiptoes to overcompensate for the huge gust of stress that I am sure must be coming. Almost like I'm looking for something to worry about so that I'll have a "purpose" in my daily life.
I'm beginning to realize that I have forgotten how to live.
There is nothing wrong with goals, and work, and college degrees. However, they tend to suck away at you, and make you forget the purpose behind everything you're doing. Suddenly the work becomes the purpose, and you put your whole self into that.
But then the work finishes up, and you are left looking for something to do, so that your life can feel useful again.
I'm trying to remind myself that the reason I worked so hard was to get to this spot in time, this moment where I can sit and be free of nagging obligations or stresses. But (there's always a but, isn't there?) it's difficult. I seem to be realizing that I have always measured myself according to the tasks I was completing, the jobs I was getting done.
To be honest, I think I am afraid of this looming emptyness.
I am afraid of being looked over and left behind.
I don't want to be the one waiting while everyone else gets on with their life.
But really, what does getting on with life even look like?
So, in the wake of the New Year, here are my goals (or ambitions. Maybe that's a better word) for keeping myself focused on right now.
Be the best wife to my husband that I possibly can.
That is who God has called me to serve, and I want to do it with the best of my ability.
Focus on getting my body healthy, and watch the kind of food I am putting into it.
I want to spend as many years of my life with said husband as possible.
Re-discover my relationship with the Lord and the passion I have to serve Him.
For so long the world has gotten in the way, but I am making a statement for the public to read, that God needs to be my number one priority again. Finding a purpose isn't going to come without that.
So, here we go, 2010!
Well...
I'm still alive (barely) and scraping through (barely).
Graduation is on Saturday, and I'm sure I'll have more to say afterwards.
But until then, this little notice of my existence will have to suffice.
I am ALMOST DONE.
I am so, so tired today.
It's a worn out kind of tired, not a lack-of-sleep tired.
I'm just losing motivation.
School is over in three and a half weeks. I have a monumental amount to accomplish before I get there, and as deadlines are looming, my inspiration is drying up. I have had writer's block for four weeks already.
This is terrifying.
Relationships are wearing thin, and I'm just waiting for the rubber band to snap and break. Things are coming to a close on so many levels and winter is on it's way and I cannot help but stand here and think about how gray everything looks.
It's so easy to think about the future and ignore where you're actually standing.
The end is so close that I can taste it, but it's not here yet and I'm having a hard time with that.
I'm actually going to finish something this time, but I still have to finish it.
DUH.
I'm in some sort of creative funk.
I sit down to write and I've got nothing. Literally no words.
This scares me in some ways, considering that I am a month and a half away from graduating from college with the title of "Writer" slapped across my forehead in an answer to post-grad plans.
Umm...what happens when a writer can't write?
I'm hoping that all of this is simply due to being overwhelmed and stressed out by recent and recurring events in my life right now. I guess my goal is to get through to the end, and then pick up words in a few months.
In other news, the sun is shining and I have my beautiful camera with me today. Maybe I'll take some blog-worthy shots.
; )
I want my kitty.
I want to take beautiful pictures and become famous and run away.
I want to write my heart out, and know that someone else thought it was worth their time.
I want to be destroyingly complex, and disturbingly simple.
I want to breakout of here, out of this funk and move into the sunshine.
I want to not want anymore, but to be still and sit where I am.
I am not alive, I am not afraid, I am not alone.
I am waiting, and wishing, and I know that You can see me.
This is not a clean break. And now I'm raggedy on the inside.
--Love you and miss you baby. Play with your sister, and I'll see you there someday soon.
the cats are fighting and there's tension in the air this morning.
Maybe it's the rain.
I don't know what to do with myself.
I'm supposed to write and dream up creative things.
I'm supposed to vacuum the floors and neaten the house.
Instead I am
distracted
confused
hurt
upset
procrastinating
cold
tired
and
trying to be content in this.
In Philippians, Paul talks about having joy in the midst of everything else. And I guess he would know, considering he was in jail while he wrote all of that.
I just wonder, how is it that he is able to have joy in prison, while I am struggling to find true contentment in a solid house with four walls and a roof?
I know Paul was a spiritual giant and all that, but is it really so unlikely for someone in today's society to find the same joy that he had? I feel like that is selling ourselves short, claiming that since Paul wrote Scripture, he obviously had "ins" to God that we don't get today.
We know the same God. He hasn't changed any since then.
"For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe on him, but also to suffer for him..."
-Philippians 1:29
I'm holding on...
barely holding on to You.
The longer I live, the more mistakes I make.
I get dirtier while growing, and mold/punch/stretch myself into contortions that I would rather not feel. I wonder if the desire for perfection will ever leave.
I wonder about those people who tell us that God is the one that puts that desire for perfection in us. Would God tell us to pursue such a fruitless course of living?
Or would He simply be content with us running to Him, so that He can take control of the situation?
I have pursued perfection.
This weekend I...
It's time to leave, and move on.
Time to start real life for real and be a big-grown-up-girl.
I'm ready for it all.
I want to be able to focus on my husband, and making my home mine, and doing stuff that I love, instead of doing things that I have to.
I want to have neighbors, and people over for dinner, and good friends that won't move away after they've obtained their degrees.
I want people who will be accountable and hold me accountable, that I can grow with and help them grow.
I want to have a garden, and bake lots of things, and paint the walls of my house.
I want to live my life on my terms.
when I brought you soup and juice and ice cream when you were so very ill?
when I ran to find you and stayed with you the day your boyfriend dumped you?
when we complained about everything, but reminded ourselves that it didn't matter, because we had each other?
when our biggest priority in life was finding God and ignoring everything else?
I'm not quite sure who you are now.
And I don't know where you're going
or why.
I miss you.
But I won't keep chasing after you.
Friendship goes both ways.
I'm tired and messy this morning.
I absolutely hate this feeling.
It gets in your way and makes you feel inadequate and unworthy.
I would just like to run home, crawl back into bed, and sleep next to my husband for a long time.
I do not want to babysit today.
I don't want to go to class, or go running, or deal with the rain.
I do not want to be a grown-up today.
God, how do I do this?
How do I tackle the miserableness of days like today and keep going, while looking good at the same time?
How do I change this nagging attitude resonating through my brain, and come out with something truly genuine?
I'm so tired of being confronted by my human inadequacy every day.
Maybe this means I have pride issues.
Or maybe God's just trying to knock it into my head that this life cannot be done alone.
[insert long sigh here]
I lost 10 pounds over the summer.
That is equivalent to both of my cats, plus a little extra.
I am so proud of myself. I figured that maybe other people could be proud of me too.
Anyway...that is all. : )
Can you imagine?
Just picture Chicago with even half the cars and twice as many bikes.
People would be nicer, the air would be cleaner, and we'd all get exercise.
Oh, the dream.
to everyone that did not make fun of me for grieving over a cat.
to everyone that said, "I'm so sorry. Hang in there".
to everyone that smiled sympathy at me.
You are so appreciated.
Today, instead of focusing on all of the things in my life that I could complain about, I am going to focus on the blue sky I saw this morning on my bike, and the sailboat in Lake Michigan, and the silhouetted skyline of Chicago.
I'm going to remember the wonderful women I got to spend some time with last night, and the perfect-fit husband that I came home to.
I'm going to be so thankful that my knee has healed up enough to pedal a bike, and that I somehow managed to get a hair appointment for tonight.
I'm going to smile because school starts in two weeks, and this is my very last semester of college. I'm going to have a Bachelor's Degree by Christmas.
So God....
Thanks.
Grief is such a weird thing.
It's heavy, like a weight.
You carry it around with you, and sometimes there are moments that you can forget about it, but it always comes rushing back down on you afterwards.
It sucker-punches you in the gut, and takes away your air.
Now, please let me say that I understand that all of this is not the biggest tragedy going on right now.
And really, I am moving on, and going to work, and all of that.
This isn't the kind of hurt that makes me unable to crawl out of bed in the mornings or put on clothes.
It's just...I miss her. A lot.
I keep trying to go look for her.
I'll hear a noise in the kitchen and wonder what she's crawled onto this time.
I'll open the front door as little as possible so she can't run out.
But she's not here anymore.
My lovely husband bought me a dozen red roses and had them waiting for me, along with a letter, when I got home from Utah.
I smiled, and then I cried in her kitty bed.
Sometimes I roll my eyes at myself, being so emotional over a cat.
And then other times I just keep swallowing, so that the lump in my throat doesn't crawl out and become tears.
It's gonna be okay.
We're okay.
This is not the end of the world, or even the end of the day.
Sometimes, I just want to hold her.
And I can't.
I miss you already, Ava baby.
See you in heaven, okay?
Love you...
Mommy
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