Every day I look at my son, and I discover new angles and planes to his face that I've never seen before.
He changes bit-by-bit, right before my eyes, so that there is always something new to see if I just give him enough time.
Being a mother is hard.
Lately I keep wondering if I was really cut out for this job, or if I only thought I was (and wanted to be).
Is that possible, though?
Are you meant to be a mother as soon as your child arrives in your arms? Or is it possible to have a child, and yet not possible to be a mother?
(I know I'm treading on shaky ground here. I don't mean that I don't want to be a mother, but rather am I meant to be one. There is a difference.)
I feel sad, and guilty, and very ashamed admitting that motherhood makes me feel completely inadequate. Especially because I really felt like I had a handle on this whole thing--yes, the first five months were tough in the sleep-deprivation, discovering-a-new-person, figuring-out-breastfeeding, etc. sort of ways. But I felt like I was doing it well. I had the routine down, I had the hippie "communicate with your baby" principles, and everyone was pretty happy.
But now? Now I feel like I'm stumbling and tripping through motherhood. It feels awkward, and all I can see are the holes where my inadequacies are staring me in the face. I look around, and it looks like all the other moms with babies my age have finally hit their stride, and I'm sad, because I feel like I've passed mine.
Already?
I just don't feel like I have enough--not enough patience, not enough kindness, not enough knowledge, not enough energy, not enough ______.
Most days, I hit the couch around three p.m. and I look at Jameson and think, "What am I supposed to do with you now?" And there is guilt, for letting my child down, for not being what he needs.
(I hope you know the risk I'm taking here, by telling you this.)
Most days (but not all. Not enough.) I get so much joy out of being a mother.
I love watching him grow and change.
I like going for walks to cafes, and drinking coffee while he learns to eat.
I love making him smile, and hearing him laugh and knowing that it's me he finds so funny.
I love that he's learning how to hug, and he wraps his arms so tight around my neck and burrows his face in the hollow of my throat.
I love that he makes so many noises now, and just stares while I talk, soaking it all in.
I love the swelling in my heart that I get when I look at him, and the awe that he is mine washes over me once more.
But then a bad day comes, and the house of cards comes crashing down, and I've got to build it all up once again. I just think about how I just have to get through that day, get to eight p.m., when I can nurse my son and lay him in his crib, and just sit still for a moment. Then there are a blessed few hours until I have to get up the next morning and do it all over again.
I don't know how to do this, motherhood.
I only know how to love him with an overflowing, ever-present love, and I just hope that it's enough.
It's kind of amazing to me how quickly my attitude can change when I am faced with a blinking, blank Word document, knowing that I have to hammer out 800 words on some mundane topic, as opposed to the "post" page that is just waiting for me to say whatever it is that I want.
I mean, we all know that I have a problem with authority and people telling me what to do, but this is a little ridiculous.
Anyway.
I kind of had a breakdown on the living room floor the other night.
I finished putting Jameson to bed, and as soon as I walked into the living room, he started to fuss. I had the weight of a week's worth of work needing to be finished in one night on my back, and I just couldn't take it anymore.
I didn't even cry (at first), I just laid flat on my back in the middle of the carpet and stared at the ceiling while babbling on about everything crammed into my too-small-to-carry-it-all-around brain.
"I just want to do what I'm created to do, and I don't even know what that is. I just want to do that thing that brings fulfillment, that lets me know that I am doing that thing that God put inside of me to do, but I can't find it. And how do I know when to fight for a dream that I think I could have, or settle for a life of responsibility?"
And then my wise and patient and ever-loving husband said, "What if you're not supposed to do all of the things you were created to do all at once?"
And I just thought, "I guess I'd never thought of that before."
Which is kind of dumb that I hadn't, if we're being honest. I mean, I've always tried to approach my life as having seasons, and I don't know how I didn't relate certain seasons of life to the things I'm supposed to be doing at certain times.
I was clearly not meant to be a wife and mother when I was seventeen and in college.
I probably won't be raising children when I'm seventy and living in my dream house (right? Ha).
But seriously. I'm here.
I'm a wife and a mother right now. That's what I do, it's who I am.
I also happen to write a little bit on the side to bring in some money, and if I'm not completely mentally inept after finishing that, I spit out messy words on a computer in the hopes that someone else will see and understand.
Maybe someday, or maybe even tomorrow, someone will see these words (or I'll get up the guts/energy/willpower to send them to someone) and they'll say to me, "Hey. I really think you've got important things to say, and the way you say them is intriguing and relate-able, and we want to give you some money to write more of these things and tell them to more people."
And I will be a happy, happy lady.
But for now, I need to focus on being here.
(Isn't that what it always comes back to, for me? Seriously, I don't know how anyone can keep reading this--it's got to get so redundant after awhile!)
I am enough, even without all of those roles.
I am enough when I don't write, when I don't mother, and when I don't wife.
I am enough in this depraved body, because Christ said I was enough.
And if He said so, why am I trying to say otherwise?
Ladies and Gentlemen, here sits Camille Nicole, back in the place she always finds herself--the beginning.
And it's okay.
Another post I found when looking in the "drafts" folder. Even though I'm not pregnant anymore, the sentiments remain the same.
Confession: reading my Bible and spending time with the Lord has not been on my "Top 10 List of Things To Do" for the past few months.
I kept getting so caught up in everything else--the sheer exhaustion I felt when waking up every morning, the massive list of things I needed to get done before Jameson gets here, what I was going to eat that day, how I was going to survive the ache in my hips, etc.
I had started another daily Bible reading plan at the beginning of the year, and was doing okay for awhile, but my motivation slowly died out. This is also due to other life circumstances, but the roundabout point that I am making is that God has not been on the top of my priority list for awhile.
However, a few weeks ago I was hit with some pregnancy insomnia that had me out of bed at 6:30 am, sitting on the couch in silence. I figured that was as good a time as any to try and catch up on all of the scripture reading I had missed, so I made some coffee and got going. After figuring out where exactly I had left off and what was going on, I came across this passage:
I can't sleep.
There are so many things on my mind that I feel like my brain is going to explode.
Am I a good mother?
Am I hippy enough, what other natural things am I missing?
How much time do I devote to natural living, and how do I do it with a biblical worldview?
How do I even claim a biblical worldview when I haven't even made the time to sit down and be with the Lord for the past few days?
Am I teaching my son enough to set a foundation for the rest of his life?
How do I motivate myself to complete the mundane and unfulfilling work I do, while also pursuing work that I love?
Where is the balance between doing what you have to because you have to and fighting for a dream that might be too big?
How do you know that you're going to be the dreamer that makes it?
How do you know when the sacrifices a dream require are worth it? If I don't work this mundane job, my family doesn't have enough money to pay rent. So how can I all-of-a-sudden just up and say that I'm not going to do it anymore because I want to really take a stab at writing for myself? The whole "you've got what it takes" thing is nice, and encouraging, but when do you decide that reality has to take over and practicalities need to reign prominent?
I feel like I'm going in circles.
I feel like I keep coming up against the same questions and not getting any answers.
I feel like God has been silent for so long, that it is hard for me to remember what He sounds like.
I feel angry at Him, and then I feel ashamed for feeling angry, because how can I be mad at the God that has given me everything? But how can I not be angry at a God that has promised me a life abundant, and yet has left us in this financial and emotional state for over a year now?
How do I balance serving God because He simply is, with expecting great things of Him because I am supposed to ask and expect great things?
I want a revival.
I want deliverance.
I want to be so much more than I am: more patient, more loving, more faithful, more bold, more understanding, more humble, more like Him.
I want answers and I want to be satisfied with them.
I want to thrive, rather than just get by.
I want the eternal.
That title is probably misleading.
Maybe it should be "five years. six days".
Because what I am talking about is the fact that five years ago, my husband asked me out on our first date, and as a result, I am spending my sixth Valentine's day with him.
Not only that, but I get two Valentines now, because I have a son. (Score another one in the "having a boy" category. Sometimes being the only girl has it's perks.)
I woke up to these:
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| According to Hubs, Jameson picked these out for me. |
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| A dozen red roses from my love. |
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| Because he knows how much I love Valentine's Day, even though it's "commercial". |
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| Apparently, this took a million years to make, and included an incredible mess. All while I was spinning my butt off at the gym. I love my guys. |
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| He's like, "Come on, Mom. That's enough now." |
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| I love this. I know Jameson and I are out of focus, but it's my family. We are happy. |
Jameson is still mega-sick, so we've been house-bound for the past few days.
I spent Thursday night in the living room with him from midnight to 6:30am, and he got an early morning bath on Friday, after throwing up/pooping everywhere. It's been rough going for us, but I'm hoping that he is over the worst of it and can start getting better.
In the mean time, since my brain is running slower due to lack of sleep, here's a pretty nonsensical post about...me! (Because I know you're dying to know all about that topic, since it doesn't get talked about often enough. Ha.)
Reading: Thanks to the Kindle I received for Christmas (as well as the stack of six books from my sister-in-law), I have kind of managed to start reading for pleasure again. Hallelujah. I just finished reading this book, which was so packed full of emotion, I almost didn't know what to do with myself. It was so good, but it kind of hurt, too. At the end, I just grabbed Jameson and cuddled him until he got mad and started to cry.
I also finally finished this series, which was good, but I kind of felt like the last book just trudged along for awhile. I'm not sure I'd recommend it, simply because it was so incredibly graphic in some areas, but the plot line was decent, and the suspense was excellent.
Listening: During the winter time, I always fall back on a few favorites. Bon Iver, John Mayer, and Ray LaMontagne are never far from me. However, Florence and the Machine have recently found their way into my life, and I couldn't be happier. Oh, and how could I forget Sesame Street and Yo Gabba Gabba?
Watching: On the off chance that I do have time to watch TV, it's generally of the trashy, brain-candy type. After spending my day with a seven-month old, 'America's Next Top Model' or 'Made in Chelsea' are generally where it's at for me. However, Hubs and I have recently started watching 'Modern Family', and we always have our old friend 'Grey's Anatomy' to look forward to (when it finally makes it's way across the pond).
Pondering: The ins and outs of being a mom, as well as being a wife and daughter of the Lord, and how all of those things fit together. All of this will be coming out in a post shortly, I promise.
I've also been thinking a lot about adoption (it seems that all my friends have recently begun the process, or are considering beginning the process to adopt), and whether or not it could/should be considered a calling for all Christians. If anyone has any resources about this, I'd love to take a look at them...
Doing: I seem to have finally found a workout schedule that is do-able for me, and it involves a lot of spin classes, a Zumba class, and a body combat class. I am tired, but I feel good, and finally feel like I'm getting back to where I want to be.
Other than that, I'm trying to cram a little bit of work in during the evenings and generally being the best momma that I can.
And there it is folks. Care to share your own currents?
A snippet of a post that I started writing, but never finished:
I'm homesick today (but I'm not sure I can even explain what that means).
It's the middle of July, and there are rainclouds in the sky and a cool breeze blowing through the trees, and I just sit and think, "Where is summer?"
My son is sleeping in his swing right across from me, and the thoughts that tackle me when I look at him are overwhelming. The future seems so uncertain, especially with this new little guy, and I just feel like I am treading on unstable ground. Every day is different, down to how much sleep I get and how I feel physically. This is the biggest life change I've ever experienced, and I think I'm still in shock from it all.
I worry so much more now. I worry about his breathing, and his crying, and the little spots on his face, and the faces he makes, and all of the 'what-ifs' that hit me when we walk out the front door.
If I let it, this anxiety could consume me.
I'm sure I could attribute this to all of the hormones making their way out of my body right now, but I also know that this is probably just going to be the battle I fight for the rest of my life.
I'm a momma now, and suddenly, my heart is encapsulated in this little person, which means that I will always worry.
Six months later, and I am happy to report that the anxiety has gotten easier to manage, but is still around.
Looking back at this, I feel like I've gotten some sort of a handle on motherhood, even if it's just that I know my son now, and so am more familiar with what is normal (and what is not). I think the pendulum has swung the other way, and now I'm working on finding a balance between being a mom, and a wife, and still being myself and doing the things that feed my soul.
Any tips are greatly appreciated.
Jameson has been sick for the past few days, so I'm starting to get a little stir-crazy over here.
We took him to the doctor yesterday (which required waking up bright and early to make sure that we were one of the first in line, so that we didn't have to sit in the waiting room with a sick infant for two hours...), and she told us that it's probably some sort of virus and the best thing to do is to just wait it out and let his immune system take care of it.
Which is beneficial in the long run, I know, but it's so sad to live through. The good news is that it hasn't really seemed to phase him (other than the snot everywhere and the coughing), and he's just as happy as ever. For the most part. The problem is that we got about four inches of snow the other day, and I'm not sure I'm up to wrestling the stroller through the sludge with a sick baby in order to escape the house for a few hours.
Although, check back with me in a few days, if he doesn't start to get better soon.
Anyway...this is pretty much just a lot of nothing. I guess I'm lacking in inspiration tonight, which I'm working on letting myself be okay with. I think I need to start remembering the discipline behind the talent, which means consistently practicing the talent, even when I don't feel inspired.
You lucky few just happen to be on the receiving end of the nonsense.
As a sidenote, thank you for the encouragement about the whole "pursue your dreams" thing. It gave me a lot to think about, and it's all still percolating right now...I think my biggest dilemma is finding the time and energy to essentially start my own business/brand/image while also fulfilling my responsibilities as a wife and momma.
And staying sane. Because that's equally as important.
I didn't really want to sit down here and write this.
But then I thought about how I've let what I want dictate what I do for far too long. And the problem with this is that I always give up what I really want for what I want-right-now.
And in the end, it is just never, ever worth it.
Ever.
I spent a good couple of hours last night working on my "business" (I guess, if that's what you want to call it). It made me tired. Probably because I realized just how much work there is to go through to get to where I want to be.
And then this cues the question, "Where do you want to be?"
And I just don't know the answer, exactly.
I guess I want to be here, but making a living off of here. I guess I wish that I could find people that would give me money to write these sorts of things, and take these kinds of pictures, and I could just keep doing what I'm doing, but making a contribution towards our finances at the same time.
Part of the problem is that all of this requires time, and I just don't have that much of it.
I'm in full-time momma mode, now that Hubs is back to work, and while I love it so much, it is also completely exhausting. And then, when Hubs is not working, I am escaping to the gym for an hour, then making dinner, and then sitting down to write things that I don't really care about, because it's the only form of writing that pays. And don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for the work. I really, really am.
But how do you work towards the dream job when the real job takes up too much time?
I know I've got to start being more regular with this space. That's the only way to make, and keep, readers--by giving you something to read.
So I'm going to do my best. I'm going to try that whole "scheduled post" thing, and I'm going to attempt to devote some of my working time to writing what I want to write.
And then I'm going to hope that someone takes pity on me and gives me a break.
And I'm toying with the idea of an amateur photography business. I know.
It kind of kills me, because I actually really love photography and I really want to be better at it, but I get so discouraged and bogged down when I see that everyone and their mother that owns a DSLR has decided to open up their own business too. I just think, why would anyone choose me?
But then I've got to go back to doing something because I love to do it, and leveling with people.
I can take good pictures.
I also write well.
And at the end of the day, I need to own this talent, and refine it, and then go out and sell it for what it's worth.
So. Anybody out there want to cut this struggling artist a break?
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