heartbeat

The city is so alive.
Step outside of yourself and begin to see that live keeps flowing all around you. You're a rock in the middle of a stream of people, but it all just keeps moving.

Skyscrapers have become my stars and pavement my green grass.
Iced lattes are my teddy bear and the homeless man in the corner is my Jesus reminder.
The scenery may change, but you will never touch my heart.
It's all the same in so many different and inexplicable ways.

Just don't forget who you are and where you came from, kid. You may become a native, but a homeland can't ever be replaced.

It's good to sit and think and stare at words on a screen for awhile. I'm eating blueberry muffins again, but it's different this time.
Once again, you can take the girl out of the place, but you can't take the heart out of the girl.
I love the ironic of my life.

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something determined

I think I have figured something out.
Men and women were designed to be best friends with each other.
However, this was/is to make marriage function properly and fully.
That's why those brother-like/sister-like friendships always end with someone developing an intense crush on the other one: because it's supposed to happen that way.
I think God made it so that friendships between men and women would slowly delve into emotional closeness that would then evolve into romantic/physical/marry-me attraction.
That's also why I think that friendships with men and women need to be treated so carefully. To me, it's like holding an egg and warming it up and feeding it (or however that happens) and then asking it not to hatch. Obviously, it's going to crack open sooner or later. You can choose to only nurse it a little so that the time for it to hatch never comes. But that also involves choosing lines or creating boundaries so that you don't accidentally open your little egg of romance.

I'm sure that there are many out there that think I am a co-dependent woman for thinking like this, but my reasoning really isn't that far off. Obviously God gave us friendships with other women (and men with other men) for sanity and things like facials and chick-flicks and chocolate. I need my girls. My fiance needs his boys. It's how we were designed. But I also think that God designed the closest friendship in a human-being's life to occur with their spouse. My fiance is my best friend, and because of that I trust him more than I trust anyone else in my life- even my girl friends. He knows things about me and pieces of my mind that no one else knows because we have started to tap that level of emotional closeness that only comes with a male-female bond. (I'm staring to sound like some scary Christian relationship therapist. Ew. I just wanted to sort my thoughts out on this is all.)

I think that's why it's such a cautionary thing for me when I see people in relationships having close friendships with people other than their spouse (or fiance or whatever). You're walking a line and you're gonna fall off somewhere unless you rope yourself in. To be honest, I'm not really comfortable doing something or going somewhere alone with another guy that is not my fiance. I have other guy friends...but that's just weird to me. Why would I do that? What's the point? I don't need to go out for coffee to maintain a good friendship with a guy friend of mine. I also don't think my fiance needs to go out for dinner with one of his girl friends without me. Why can't I come? What would they be talking about that I shouldn't be able to listen to?

Am I way off the mark here? Am I co-dependent and suffocating?
I don't think so...these are just observations that I've gathered while watching other people fall apart over things like this. Sometimes I think some things are just so RIGHT THERE, but the whole world can't seem to see them.
Whatevs.
Enough psycho-therapy for a night.
(I've kind of grossed myself out a bit, to be honest.)

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a diamond is forever

I watched it and I understood.
More than I should have. More than I wanted to.
The questions don't have any answers, any more than the answers are valid.
And they were right- it's not about death. It's about love.

In so many more ways than one.

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sarcasticly cynical

I feel like I am drowning to death in a sea of macaroni and cheese.
I just want to go outside and breathe.

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just because

I'm getting married doesn't mean that I automatically have the mindset or physical tenacity of a thirty-five year old.
I am nineteen years old and I am living in Chicago.
I still want to go hang out at 11:30, even if that just means sitting at a coffee shop with a bunch of friends.

This is ridiculously out of control.

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a bowl of mac and cheese

Does profound come over this?
It feels like it ought to.
But maybe that's my problem.
Feel has been my primary vocabulary word for the past few days:
"My mouth feels okay."
"My teeth feel like they're shouting at me."
"The pasta is getting caught on my stitches and it makes me feel like I want to cry!"

Urgh.

I don't do this suffering thing well. For the first few days I had the Anne of Green Gables attitude, you know, thinking about how great it was that I could sleep and do homework without any other commitments.
Then the time came where a commitment came up (to another person, so I couldn't just not do it) and I turned myself inside out.
I am now back to hurting and telling people about it.

Some thoughts:
Sometimes God brings blessings in extremely odd-looking packages (aka a $2300 tooth removal and general anesthetic) but they look like inconveniences or even things that are going to make your life fall apart. However, it's all about where you're at with God and where you're at in life that makes it possible for you to delineate between the two.

Sometimes it is okay to spend days on your own in your room just reading and discussing how much you dislike sitting in your room by yourself with God. This generally leads to things that are going on beneath the surface that you and God probably wouldn't have covered had you walked out the door in preparation to see someone else and put your "together" look on your face.

Sometimes you have to love people regardless of when they take your advice to such an extreme that they turn into a scary monster and you're not really sure who they are, but you're almost ready for them to go back to pretending. But then, you cannot EVER tell them this and you just have to support them through their time of self-exploration and reminding them that you love them no matter what (or who) they turn into.

Sometimes it is okay to sit in your sweatpants at 6:30 on a friday night and not want to wash your face or change your clothes and just be a loser for awhile. Especially if you have four tooth cavities stitched over in your mouth.

Oh, and drinking juice every day really clears up your complexion.

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carried

Learning.
That's what life is about.
It's learning to look past the hard parts and see the good things underneath the dirt.
It's learning to take God as He is, no less, and trusting that He sees the good parts of you, and understands everything you need.
It's learning to be free, and be who you are, even if it seems outrageous sometimes.
It's learning to consider yourself blessed, even if it all comes in a disguise.
It's learning to trust people you are afraid of, simply because they are people too.
It's learning to forgive when people let you down and hurt your heart, simply because they are sinful people- just like you.
It's learning to stop. and. breathe.
It's learning to smile at the sunrise instead of climbing back into bed and waiting for afternoon sunshine.
It's learning to cry at things that hurt, simply because they hurt.
It's learning to allow yourself to feel EVERYTHING, then to keep going, because God is bigger than all of that emotion.
It's learning to be satisfied right where you are, with who you are, and what you are.
And that is the hardest one of them all.

But we're learning, aren't we?

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i am

getting married in almost a month...

YES!

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reminisce

Ten years ago I was sitting in my room, wondering how on earth I was going to make it in college without my family. Homesickness was the bane of my existence, and four years without my parents was my doom. Fast forward to right now- I've got a sparkly ring on my left finger, Chicago high-rise buildings out my window and furniture for my new apartment on order.
Five years ago I was laying on my floor, spread-eagled on the carpet and wondering how on earth I was going to get out of this place called Utah. My biggest goal in life was to be able to drive a car and pull in a regular paycheck while looking fantastic in the midst of it all. Four years away didn't scare me nearly as much, but if you had asked me in the middle of the night, I would have just shuttered and pulled the covers tighter. Now it's a semi-sanitized bubble that can still be shattered by a dingy looking black boy shouting obscenities and throwing rocks as you walk down the sidewalk. Pristine dreams are rocked as reality starts to creep back in-
this brings with it the question, what am I doing here?
Sometimes I feel so cloistered in my own life that when the blinds come off and my peripheral vision is back, I'm shattered by that question- what am I doing here?
What sort of a difference am I making?





Take a breath, and maybe the answers will start to flow through again.

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job

I'm starting to wonder if God has given Satan the go-ahead to start causing me pain.
I feel like my mouth is one giant hole of hurt.
Unnngggghhhhh.

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fix

Well, it's not like I exactly had anything in mind, but sometimes the words just decide to come out when I give them the opportunity. This usually happens when emotions have been running pretty high and I've made some difficult decisions in my life. Thus, opportunity and words:

My wedding is coming closer and closer. This brings moments of terror and then moments of extreme joy. In 41 days I will be a married woman, and an offical adult. I will put on my white dress, walk down the aisle, and tell a man that I love him more than anyone else on this earth and that I promise to stand by him for the rest of our days. I will then kiss him and become his wife.
I cannot wait.
(I hope everything goes like it's supposed too.)

The end of my third semester at Moody is fast approaching as well. Big, scary papers are beginning to nibble at my brain and my caffeine tolerance has increased dramatically due to the fact that I drink it more than water. I feel like my brain is just a blanket full of holes and that all the knowledge is slipping out like sand, but then I look back on it all and realize that I've learned quite a lot more than I thought. Very often I wonder what I am doing here, but then the thought of working in a field I absolutely love comes to mind and I remind myself that this is the gateway to getting there. A few different job/practicum opportunites have popped up and I am so unbelievably excited. I'm not sure that I've ever had a passion for work like I do for this. It's the only field I can picture myself working in for the rest of my life and not feel like it was all pointless. It's actually something that sparks a fire in me...so I'm going after it.

We get the keys to our apartment in three days so that we can start moving in. My mind has been overwhelmed with planning and decorating schemes. Who knew that themes could play such an important role in picking out furniture? At the end of the day, I've decided to try and recreate Paris. I love Europe, Paris especially, and I want my house to be a place I feel like I actually belong in- thus the other-side-of-the-world theme. I may have only been there for a few weeks, but Europe felt more like home than any other place. I can't wait to go back...I sincerely hope that God has plans to put my husband and I there long-term.

I've cut off ties that needed to be cut, and pulled out of a lot of things that weren't doing me any good. I feel like my heart has been pruned a bit, and although it is incredibly painful I have seen the benefit almost immediately. I feel like a more honest, genuine person that is honestly going after Christ, not just talking about it. I've begun to stop judging people on the outside and try to see the inside before I make any character calls. I've also realized that very often it is not about the actions, but about the person mixed up in those actions. This is a lot to explain, and something that I am just now figuring out, so let's just suffice it to say that I'm growing up a lot and I'm realizing just how incredible I am.
It's a nice feeling to know that I am a precious commodity and that my worth can't change. I like being secure, and this is about as secure as you can get.

So that's it.
The words came out, and now I can think straight for a little while longer.

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vent

I've just got to get this out so that I can move on and get things accomplished with my life. So here we go:

I am TIRED.
This whole wedding-moving-work-school deal is impossible. I cannot do it. And I know those are probably in the wrong order, but to be honest with you, that's probably pretty accurate of my level of concern for them all. I can't help it, and my life is freaking out.

I am TIRED.
I can't be in my room without falling asleep, waking up 2-5 hours later and kicking myself for even laying down in the first place. Although I know that it's what my body needs, right now my schedule does not allow for it, thus it was a mistake and I am extremely irritated. (In case you cannot tell, I have just experienced this feeling).

I am TIRED.
I don't want to work out, and I don't want to eat anymore fruit. I HATE keeping track of my calories and making sure that I burn at least 250 at every work out. I am making all this effort and I see no progress- please inform me why I need to keep going?? I hate being hungry all the time and worrying that by eleven o'clock I will have eaten all my calorie allowances for the day and I'm going to go to bed feeling like I have no stomach because it's digested itself.

I am TIRED.
I miss my fiance and I am tired of not being able to have a real conversation with him because we both have so much to do. We make every effort to see each other and say "hiiloveyoubye" when we can, but that is no substitute for being able to sit next to each other and really listen to what is going on inside the other's heart. This is no way to have a relationship and I am confident that if we weren't already as strong as we are, this semester would be ten times more hellish (aka, last semester).

I QUIT.
Not really. Because I don't quit things, and because I won't quit this.
But I am damn well ready to pack my bags and head for anywhere else.

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love

It's been awhile since I wrote anything seemingly positive, so here it is:

I am utterly in love and I love it.

The man that I gave my heart to is so above and beyond anything I ever expected. Don't get me wrong, he's got his flaws. We all do. But the honesty we've got and the connections we've created are so mind-blowingly amazing that I think it gets so hard for me to comprehend that I just gloss it over. Really though. Our love is a miracle. That's all there is to it.

Secondly, the way my God loves me is pretty miraculous as well. Even though I only comprehend this about 0.01% of the time, the fact that it still exists just shocks me. When I look at the way my fiance loves me, it reminds me of the way that God loves me. Except for the fact that God's love is so much better than human love- I literally cannot take this in, accept it, own it. It's too big and magnificent. I can only hope that one day I will love like that: that patient, that understanding, that accepting, that trusting, that vulnerable.

Love is such a powerful force. It's no wonder it is the only thing that can take the universe by storm. There's nothing else that can stand up to the hell that Satan tries to throw at us. In fact...since God is love, wouldn't it make sense that this is the only thing that can beat evil? Love is an extension of God, therefore it is greater than the devil and all of his "qualities". So that's it.
That's the answer, the solution, the silver bullet.
Love is the only thing strong enough to conquer the world.

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falling back into the sun

Sparkle.
Music.
Sunshine.
Chocolate.
Cold.
Similar.
Identification.

I don't know, okay?
Things are moving quickly...it's time, but it's scary. It's scary in a delicious, this-is-my-life way.
Who could have told me this is where I'd be and that's where I'm going?
I'm ready, but I need Your hand to hold as I jump off, okay?
I've always been nervous right before the punch.

I realize that you have no idea, and you're probably making a whole bunch of assumptions right now, but don't worry.
I'm going to make it again.
This is just a tiny glimpse of a picture too big for me to even see the whole thing.
And some day, when I find my owner's manual and can begin to explain myself, I'll paint you a picture and you'll look at it with me and realize that it was all so much more than we had even begun to think.
Dream big, sweetheart.

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flat on your back [a view from the floor]

They say loneliness is the key to a phase of transition.
What they don't tell you is that once you find yourself completely alone, you're expected to build yourself back up again.
Also, no matter who you are and where you go and who you meet, people can't fill you up like that.
I guess I'm back on the ground staring up at the sky...
just a whisper.

"Even the encourager needs to be encouraged."
Sometimes I wish that these realizations would come a bit sooner.
I also wish that regrets would settle quickly and people would mend their wrongs instead of sweeping them under the table.
*Don't worry...this is probably not even about you.
**Even if it was, I'd never tell you.

I'm just here and I'm still waiting for someone to come home.
My heart seems a bit empty without You.
Maybe one day I'll learn how to do this.
Or not do this.
And maybe that's the key.

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over the sea

Dear self,
You're doing a fantastic job.
Please keep going.

Sincerely,
Me.

Sometimes I wish letters like this would just come in the mail every time you needed one.
Unfortunately, it seems that we can't read our own minds and our powers of prediction are severely lacking. I don't know what you want, and I'm not quite sure how to read you.
It's like a big giant knot, made up of a thread that is fifty different colors and I'm just trying to untangle it so that I have a little bit more room to breathe.

Give me a break, Frederick.
You don't know.

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list

...cause I talked too long.

-Apartments. I want my own house.
-Chocolate muffins. Mmm mmm, breakfast.
-Midterms. Two surprise and one in three hours that I have NOT studied for.
-Medicine. Stupid American insurance.
-Europe. I'm going in 9 hours!
-Wedding. Sister-in-law and my own. 85 days!
-Marriage. I wish I was already...
-Thoughts. Too many. No wonder I need help sorting them out.
-Words. Why can't I shape them any better?
-Post-it notes. The blue squares are taking over my desk.
-Sunshine. finally.

-love love.

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door(s) problem(s)

The problem with doors is that they always make you wonder what is behind them. What kind of a person would paint a door such a vivid red and then hide behind it? Who lives there, and what do they eat for breakfast?

Maybe they're rich, and they simply wanted to draw attention the fact that they live downtown in a huge city where rent is sky high and gas prices are even higher. Maybe they go out to glamorous parties every night, and in the early morning hours they need the brightness of that door to get them home.
Maybe I'm just crazy, and need to live a bit outside of myself right now.

I'm just tired and it just keeps raining
and raining
and r a i n i n g.

Things are piling up, but it's not even like they're the big things. They're just the little nagging things that get stuck at the base of your brain and BOTHER YOU until you fix them.
Things like laundry
and dishes
and class schedules
and money
and a place to live
and wedding invitations
and HOMEWORK.
[big piles of homework]

Sometimes I would like to run away and forget about longings to come back.

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happy times

Things are good.
-and I like being able to say that.

Granted, nothing is perfect. Rarely anything ever is. There is still pain and frustration and anger and friction, but we deal with it and get on in our lives.
What other choice do we have?

In a moment of re-living things today, I recounted the whole ordeal that pushed me to come to school here in front of a classroom full of twenty people, and then proceeded to act out that same emotion in a different situation. By the time I got done I thought I was going to pass out with exhaustion. I was shaking and my mind was racing- it felt like everything had happened a week ago, not a year. And in the midst of all of it, all I could do was stand there and thank God for pulling me out of such an intense situation. As I was talking, I was watching the looks on people's faces go from boredom, to concentration, to shock, to horror. It was like having a room full of life-size dolls, and I could make their expression into whatever I wanted.
It scared me a little bit, the fact that pieces of my life caused that look on someone's face- was it really that terrible of a situation? I didn't even need to ask...just look around you, kid.
I guess this rocked me in a way I didn't expect. I mean, I know my life has had it's rough spots. Whose hasn't? But to have someone look at you like that, almost in awe that you're still here and you're still sane...well, I guess it just threw me a little bit. Maybe it even made me a bit proud of myself. Like I had conquered some big mountain that most people never even got a glance of.

Although, maybe I'm just looking for strength.


I miss making magic with my words.

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thought

This realization just came to me, and it about made me break down in tears.
I remember back when I was living at home, if I had an issue against my integrity or someone didn't get along with me, my dad was always the first one to express faith in me and who I was. My father believed in my character and would have defended me against anything.




I don't think someone would be able to do that for me anymore.

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