windows

Although there are things to say, I am lacking in pictures at the moment.

However, laundry is being done, lunch is being cooked, and after I finish working today I'm going to equip myself with Google Maps and get myself to the library.

This is progress.

This is big, big progress is the form of baby steps that are extraordinarily difficult at times.

For a lack of anything better, I'm going to give you my views every day.
Also, it snowed this morning, which made things infinitely better, so that is what that little smattering of white happens to be.

The view out of our bedroom at Hub's parent's house.

Looking the other way out the window. This is the back garden, and a bit of the neighbor's back garden.

View out the front room window. Mum and Dad's little hybrid, and SNOW!

My day, summed up by these three things--laptop, giant watter bottle, and my mug.

I promise to start taking more pictures, especially as I venture out of the house.

And, that's it folks. 

(I'm keeping it lighter today.)

Read more...

a picture is worth a thousand words

Although these might not be the best or most interesting pictures in the world, there is meaning to them.
And I think, that even though that meaning can be interpreted wildly, there is an element in each of them that describes how I am doing better than words ever will.

(Thank you, Mr. Wilkinson, for giving me another tool to express myself with.)

Happy Thanksgiving.

Read more...

i miss

all of this.

 

I wish my heart would stop aching so badly.

Read more...

creative

I'm finding a lack of creative in my life.

I look around and I see all these amazing, empowered, regular-blogging women who make all of these beautiful things and have these cute-shabby-vintage-lacy-jealousy inducing homes and I just think, "Ugh."

I want my baby to have a beautiful nursery, and cute little things that I made in there, along with great thift shop things that I found and re-did to make even cuter than before.

I want a house (or apartment, at least) that I have decorated well, and that I can walk in and think, "I love coming home."

I want to go to craft stores and buy random things and put them together to make art projects that Martha Stewart would approve of.
I want a blog layout that does not look like I simply got started on Blogger and tweaked things on my own (even though I did).

I feel like I used to have an outpouring of creative in my life, and it seems that it has dried up and gone. I don't have ideas, and I feel like my brain is broken.
I remember in my graphic design class, I would design a piece and I could just tell that this element went there, and this color fit there.
I miss that, and I don't know where it is.

I realize I am complaining.
I'm sorry.
I've discovered that pregnancy has made me more of a whiner than usual, and if you know me at all, you know that is the exact opposite reaction that I was hoping for.

Pray for this poor, uncreative, pregnant lady.

She is sick, and ravenously hungry, and doesn't sleep well at night, and she could use some extra grace.

Read more...

birthday

In an effort to redeem myself from my earlier ranting, I'm going to post something on here that I think is extremely important, and I am super excited to be a part of.

For my 22nd birthday, I'm doing something a little different.
Rather than making a wishlist of all the things I want, I'm asking friends, family, and random (but kind) strangers to make a donation of $22 in order to help bring clean drinking water to people across the world who don't have access to it.

Go to www.mycharitywater.org/camarinadoo and find out more about it, and why it's such a burden on my heart.

Read more...

A rant

The following is not meant to offend, but rather to inform:

In the UK, you cannot get a bank account without verification of address. So, you must have a bill or bank statement with your name on it and your current address if you want to open up an account.
However, you cannot get an address without a bank account (so they can do a credit check), a paycheck being put into that bank account, and a whole bunch of other fees that equal about half of your savings.
You cannot get a job without an address, which you cannot get without a bank account, which you cannot get without an address.
You cannot get a cell phone (pardon me, a mobile phone) without a UK address in which you have lived for the last three years, a bank account with enough money coming into it, and a passable credit check.
And you cannot get any one of these things without the other, which begs the question, how does anyone in their right mind manage to live here?

Read more...

i don't quite know

where to start, exactly.

How about some pictures of my most recent adventure?

This weekend, we stayed at my sister-in-law's house. She lives on the outskirts of London, so on Friday, we took the National Rail (sort of like the Metra, for you city people) in to London Victoria (the main train station in London) and then took the tube to Notting Hill and Portobello Road.

If you've seen the movie 'Notting Hill' you probably know what I'm talking about.

If not, it's one of the biggest and most popular outdoor markets in London.
Every Friday and Saturday, vendors come and set up tables with all of their items to sell.

(Kirra, you would have died. It was antique heaven.)

Anyway, it was raining (of course) and we were hungry, so we ducked into a cute little pub for some lunch.

This is the "Salon" where we ate. So very English, and very cozy. We loved it.

You pick a table, and then order your food at the bar and give them your table number. That way, they'll bring your food out to you when it's ready.
We were table 3.

This is me and Jessica, my sister-in law.
Love it.
We get along really well, which is great, and she and her husband have been so gracious to let us come and spend weekends with them in their lovely house.

My cutie husband.
He is so happy to be back in the motherland.

Our first major stop was this man selling all sorts of incredible old books.
This is a catholic prayer book, I think.

Here we have some Oliver Twist, and some Sherlock Holmes.
I could have spent some major money here, except that he wanted nearly 75 pounds for each book, which comes out to about $115.
No thanks.

It was about this point that he started yelling at me for taking pictures, and I put my camera away for the rest of the trip.
There was so much more I wanted to shoot, but I didn't feel like offending any more Brits.

We also went to Covent Gardens, and this amazing candy shop where I bought "chocolate fudge" that was really more like a big tootsie roll.
A little disappointing, but that's alright.
It's the experiences that count.

I love this chair, which is in the living room of Jessica's house, and where I am currently crafting this post.
Plus, there was nice lighting.

And this is what the weather looks like outside...and, let's be honest, what it's looked like for the past two weeks.

--------------------------------

I've got Coldplay in the background, and I am literally choking on the emotion and memories that it's carrying with it. Add to that the fact that I am pregnant and homesick, and it's almost a wonder that tears aren't falling down my cheeks yet.

I miss home.

And the most awful part?
I don't even know where home is anymore.

You can blather on about how home is the people around you, and home is where the heart is, and home is where you lay your head at night, but I don't think any of these are right.
Because if this were the case, my home would be about three different places and none of them feel right.

And I guess that's what I'm waiting for, and it's what I've been waiting for.
A place that feels like home, and can feel like home, and that will feel like home.

I know that God never promised that all of this would be easy.
In fact, I don't think that's what I'm asking for.
I think I'm simply asking for the reassurance that one day, I will have my place.
Someday, I will look around me and think, "Yes. Here we are. We're home."

Until then, I'll be here.
Posting pictures of the story of a girl who is trying to find her place in the world, and boy who is sticking beside her the whole way through.

Love, love.
-C

Read more...

arrival.

Well, we made it.
More to come later, but at least this is some proof that we're actually here.

Love, love.

Read more...

these days

Currently missing:

Po kitty.
I know he's happy with grandpa and grandma back in my hometown, but I still miss snuggling with him.
Boo.

Four days.
Wowwwweeeee.
Cannot believe it.

I know that I have been fairly awful at posting regularly, but definitely watch this space.
One of my goals is to start this up more regularly, especially as we start this brand new beginning in our life.
Yay!

Read more...

mishmash

Just a few quick things:

I love romance.
And my husband is good at it...I just thought I'd brag. : )





I had the most delicious breakfast the other morning.
Plus, it looked pretty, so I have finally taken a food picture and posted it to my blog.
Does that make me a "real" blogger now?

Our 50mm lens came, and I loved it, but it didn't autofocus 'cause apparently, my camera body is lacking an autofocus motor.
So, we sold said 50mm on eBay, and bought a 35mm (which actually turns out to be a 50mm with my camera. Complicated camera lingo, trust me) which is supposed to get here tomorrow.
I can't wait.
The little taste I had with the 50mm was enough to get me obsessed with my new lens.
Love it soooo much already, and I cannot WAIT to see all the new pictures I'm going to be taking with it!

Finally got to go to Sprinkles with my dear friend Kirra Sue, who, even though we have only met in person twice, I feel like we have been old friends for a long, long time.
She also brought along Livie, one of the cutest babies out there.
No, seriously.
I could not stop "awwwww"ing over her.
Plus, she was kind enough to let me take pictures of them with my new lens, so that got her even more brownie points in my book.
Love you girl.
(And you and T are REQUIRED to come visit in England. I'll take you to Jane Austen places, I promise!)

--------------------------------------

There is so much more going on, but I am at the library, where I am supposed to be working, but am taking advantage of the solid internet connection to update everything.

For now, let me just say that I am in "git 'er done" mode, when it comes to moving, and I feel like I will not be at peace until my apartment is empty and our suitcases are packed.
We're heading back to my home for a week or so, to say goodbye to everyone, which will be good but also terribly sad.

Pray for us, if you think about it.

Stress abounds, and we're doing our best to stay calm and united in the midst of it, but sometimes crankiness wins and I can't help snapping at my poor husband. He's been so understanding, but an extra measure of the Lord's patience would be wonderfully helpful.

'Til then...
-Cami

Read more...

here's the thing...

With my recent acknowledgment of stress and terror, I seem to have brought a whole host of other things flying down onto my back.

Instead of a monkey, I'm carrying a 300 pound gorilla with fingers of steel.

It all seems soooo real now...
*We purchased one-way plane tickets.
*My UK Settlement Visa arrived, stating that I am free to come and reside in their country.
*We've started packing (or rather, throwing away and giving things to thrift stores).
*We're about to go and start the round of family visits I have to make before we move.

And, see, I know that there are so many people out there who would take this opportunity and run with it. And it's not that I'm not grateful or excited, or even afraid that this is not where God wants us.

But holy crap.

This is permanent for the foreseeable future and I have no way of knowing how it's going to turn out. And I really hate that.

I seem to have this issue where I need to know what's happening so that I know how to deal with it. It doesn't matter if I can directly contribute anything to resolving the situation or not, I simply need the knowledge in my brain so that I don't go crazy with the possibilities and unknowns. I don't like not-knowing.

This situation is one in which I know that I am not happy in Chicago. Please note that I didn't say that there haven't been times of happiness, cause I've had so many good things happen to me here.
But I don't have a deep-seated sense of fulfillment in knowing that this is where God has placed us.

However, I am complacent here.
I am familiar. I have an apartment and a cat, and I know where the grocery store, coffee shops, transportation system, hospital, and other things are located. I made this place my home because I had too.

Now I am faced with leaving complacency, and trading it for an unknown.
This is an incredibly tough decision, even though it sounds easy. (Who wouldn't hop on a plane and fly to Europe at the first chance they got?)

Right now I am faced with confronting the two things that are the most difficult for me, and that ones that I just really hate: do I stay muddled in complacency, or do I trade that for an unknown with no promised outcome?

Obviously, the choice has already been made, but that doesn't mean I'm ready for it.

However, God has recently impressed upon my mind that I cannot choose to follow Him when I feel like it. If I am in it, I must be in it always, at every moment of every day.
In every awful and ugly situation I find myself in, do I trust that God sees and cares and understands? Do I trust that He has endowed me with the knowledge and capabilities I need in order to make the best decisions that will bring the most glory to Him?
That's a difficult one, because it means believing in myself, and believing that I am worth enough to Him that He will allow me to do what I want and still take care of me in the process.

This is long, and messy, and I know it's not a sample of my greatest writing abilities.
But it's where I'm at, and it's where I'm headed, and that's really all I've got right now.

My tunnel of knowledge is coming to an end, and I have no idea what I'm going to find outside of it.

Read more...

woosh.

45 days.

I am terrified.

Read more...

snippets.

I am chasing away the desire for more with a list of summerish things to accomplish. I love my work, and I love the fulfillment it brings, but I also don't want to wake up one morning and find myself drained empty because I didn't take time to do things I LOVE doing, simply for the sheer pleasure of doing them.

Things to accomplish before we leave:

1) Explore Wicker Park: I've always wanted to go here, and many weekends we've talked about doing it, but we can never seem to get up the effort. So I am making a statement--we're going out there!

2) Take more pictures (and refresh myself on "what makes a good photo"): Photography class was such an outlet for me, but it got buried under piles of other homework and stress. Now that I'm out of school, I want to be able to photograph for enjoyment, and not critique myself too harshly, but also work on improving my style and skill.

3) Teach myself how to dance: This comes from watching my sister dance and finding out that she watched YouTube videos to learn how. I've got about ten of them loading right now, so just wait. I'll break it down soon enough.

4) Hit the touristy things of Chicago that I missed while in school: These include

-The Sears Tower

-Examining the Loop Architecture

-The Lincoln Park Zoo

-The Garfield Park Conservatory

-The Field Museum

-The Planetarium

-The Shedd Aquarium

-The Museum of Contemporary Art

and probably a few more that I'm missing.

5) Keep my tan up at the beach: Where I'm going, the beach is far, far away, and it rains too often to get a decent tan anyway. I've got to soak up the skin cancer while it's still in my reach.

6) Read all the books I check out of the library: Seriously, I always check out more than I can handle. I've got to get some sort of system for figuring out how to tackle them all before the late fees hit.

7) Go for another "just because" bike ride: I want to explore this place, the ins and outs, the parts that you only see when you look for them. I want to smell the sun, and whisper with the wind in my ears, and smile because I am flying for just a few moments.

8) Do something every day just for the sake of feeling pretty: Be it giving myself a mani/pedi, doing my hair differently, putting on more makeup than just mascara, taking extra time picking out my outfit, or accessorizing really well, I just need to make sure that there is something I can call on when my self-doubt hits. Something I can hold up and say, "You may feel fat/tired/unstylish/poor but you did ----- today, and that makes you beautiful."

9) Cook a good, difficult recipe every so often: My husband bought pork chops one night, and I was forced to find a recipe that would be worthy of them. This led into a foray of gourmet cooking that left me shocked at my abilities and a desire to do it more often. So, I'll talk him into buying stuff for a really nice meal, and I'll find something phenomenal to do with it, and we'll eat like kings on the cheap.

10) Remember that I often see memories through rose-colored glasses, and my happiness is right here: I am a ponderer, a brooder, and a wishful thinker. I remember things and they are tinged with the emotions I want to feel when I think of them. This often leaves me unhappy and discontent, and I don't want to be that way anymore. I'm going to remember things as they were, and remind myself that we all had to make mistakes to get to where we are today. They are integral to our makeup, and it is not the mistake that changes us, but our response to it. So what will I choose to do with the consequences?

Don't forget to smile when you can, laugh as often as possible, and take a moment to feel nothing but the sun on your face.

That is satisfaction.

Read more...

satisfied.

This can't be long, as I have to get ready to dash out the door to my ice cream shop job, but I felt like I had to sit and record a moment of happiness in my life.

My contented moments are few and far between and so when one hits, I need to acknowledge it wholeheartedly.

I am writing, and getting paid for it.

In fact, I have so much work that I am confident I will be taking this on as a full-time job soon.

Can I tell you how wonderfully happy this makes me?

I've been determined to be a writer since I was fourteen. And it's actually happening.

People are giving me money to put words on pages!

I feel so accomplished because for the first time in my life, I saw something that I wanted more than anything, and went after it. And it's working...I'm succeeding.

God has blessed me immensely with a friend who is already freelancing, and she has been gracious enough to pass on clients.

I am getting orders for more and more articles, and each time another one comes in, I simply smile and think, "Wow. I'm actually doing this."

I don't think I've ever been so satisfied or fulfilled with my work before, and it is a wonderfully delicious feeling.

I am so, so grateful.

Read more...

the long haul

Words escape me.
The fluidity I used to have is gone, and in it's place is a gaping hole that I keep trying to fill with sleep, cleaning, work, and anything else that will keep me busy.

I miss writing.
I miss the ease, and the intensity of it.
I miss having something to say, and a burning need to say it.

I don't know where this is going. I don't know why I'm trying to fill the void, and spit something into the black hole of "internet".
Maybe it's just me trying to remind someone that I'm here, and I'm alive and I want more than I've got right now.

I'm sure that my moaning about contentment (or lack thereof) is getting old, and for that I apologize. Apparently, it's a lesson that I need schooling in often.

To end this on a positive note: the 4th of July was fun, especially since I have an English husband and this is the most American holiday possible. I always go all out, if possible. : )

(cute lil' englishman--note the book he brought.)


(yay America!)


(peace at last)


(it started to rain, and we realized the blanket we brought was actually a duvet cover--so, we crawled inside. haha)


(--we are in it)

Read more...

betrayal

It's difficult today.

Fighting back the argument that I am the reason I have found myself alone in this city without a familiar face to talk to and laugh with.
I'm reminding myself that college wasn't the end-all, be-all of my life and the point of going there was to accomplish my degree, and not set myself up with my "best friends EVER!" for the rest of my life.
But there are still moments like today, where it is so easy to look around and see moments that I missed, laughs I did not hear, and relationships that I am not a part of.

I just wish I was there already, settled in, happy, with people I could trust.

I think I miss that the most...trusting people.

Ugh.
Ugh, ugh, UGH.

Fall seven times, get up eight.

Read more...

resignation

Well...I'm going to be brutally honest and say that the reason it's been one month since I've posted something is because I had this huge ginormous goal that I had almost met, and I made a deal with myself that I wouldn't write until it had been accomplished.

I have not yet met that goal, and I gave up trying for a good while.

But the fact that my fingers are typing on this computer is testimony to the fact that I do not yet have even myself, or any part of this life figured out, and God continues to teach me about both.

I am learning that life is not about me in any way shape or form, and yet, I am not an accident.

I am learning that everything I do must be driven by the ultimate desire to serve God, even when what I am doing seems trivial or unimportant.

I am learning that there are good things about this life I am living right now, such as:
sunshine,
aqua blue nail polish,
gluten-free sections in the grocery store,
laughing with strangers,
walking and biking everywhere I need to go,
free vases of tulips,
and my ever-loving, truly amazing husband.

I'm going to keep trying to stop being restricted by who I want to be, and start being liberated by who I am.

Read more...

resolve

There are things in life that will not happen unless I make them happen.
Sadly enough, this can cause problems for the extreme procrastinator that I am and also cause undue amounts of stress about not "seizing the day".
I always wake up full of hope which is promptly quenched around one o'clock when I decide that I simply do not have enough energy to follow through on those small dreams for the day.
This leads to lots of regret and discontent in my life, and rather than sit and complain about it until I turn eighty, I have chosen this day to try and make a small change.

I want to write again.
I miss the passion and frequency I had before I boiled it down to a science, fit it neatly into my box, and packed it away with my college degree.
I will write, and I will not put rules on it. I will let it flow and twist and writhe and pour out into words that may or may not coherently fit together.
If I can make a living out of it, good.
If not, even better.

Instead of doing something for the end result, I will do something simply to do it.
Instead of analyzing every move in my life, I will just move.
Sometimes without reason, and sometimes without thought.
But at least I will not be still and stuck.

I am going to use this body that I have exercised and taken care of.
Otherwise, what is the point?
Why work so hard to keep something in good condition if you're not going to take it and see everything that it is capable of?

What am I capable of?

Read more...

one hundred.

I've faced this empty page 100 times, and poured out my thoughts.

I feel like I should have something profound to say, but, I don't. I feel oddly like Joy Williams in her latest blog post...like the words have left me for a season.
This is scary, and unfortunate, but at the same time I cannot press myself to create.
I've never worked that way, and I wouldn't want to.

God brings the words as He sees fit, and I don't have much other to do with it, except write them down.

As a final addendum, I got a job.
I scoop ice cream and I love it.
I don't have to think too much, rather I just chat with friendly people and make them smile as I hand them a cone full of sugar.
It's nice.

Read more...

Scrape.

I'm trying not to let it get to me.
Trying to remind myself that life takes care of itself, and God takes care of life.

But really...after awhile it just gets disheartening.
I don't know why I worked so hard those four years of school for that shiny piece of paper in my diploma cover.
Why did I spend SO many nights not sleeping and pounding out papers, if not for a purpose and a dream?
Why did I cry and scream and plead with God to just get me through it all if I was going to end up sitting in coffee shops looking at jobs I won't get and thinking about what to cook for dinner?

I don't understand this and it frustrates me.
There has got to be more than this, and I don't get the waiting part.
Why?
No, really, why?

I missed out on the sunshine today so that I can sit and send out fifty resumes.
I didn't take my camera out because I needed to find somewhere to make money.
I gave up what I wanted for what I needed, and still came up empty handed.

This has got to end.

Read more...

collide

To seek the truth...to find the truth.

Strive, and push, and ponder, and deal with the things that are unearthed along the way.

Your life is a journey, and there is nothing at the end except for death (and what comes after).

What will you have left behind after you've gone?

Because you cannot take anything with you.

Read more...

hope.

There is a sense of promise in the sky today, and I am finding it easier to breathe because I have a date.
We are moving out in mid-July.

I'm not sure where yet (there are possibilities), and I'm not sure what we'll be doing when we get there, but the point is that God is letting us go.

He has kept me and sustained me for the past three years here in Chicago, and He is finally going to release me of this burden that I feel when I'm here.

But let me just pause for a moment, and say something:
I realize that so often on here all that you twelve readers hear is me complain and argue and rant against God.
Please understand that what you read here is a smidgen of my life and my attitude. I am honestly trying to seek God and be content wherever it is that He has placed me. I just happen to be a strong, ferocious woman who doesn't like doing what she has to do sometimes. So when I get stuck between a rock and a hard place, the easiest way for me to cope with it is to write about it. However, I just want to reinforce that I truly, truly believe that if God had called us to stay in Chicago long-term, that He would not only get me through it, but give me a sense of joy and peace about being here.
And it's not like I have completely despised my time here. This has been a wonderful place for me, on many occasions. God brought me here to meet my husband, He gave me a college degree here, and so many other amazing things.
So all of this to say that I have really appreciated being here, and I am sure I will miss this place when I am gone.

But for now, I am thrilled to know that I will be able to start settling my life in a few short months!

Read more...

no name.

There is sun.

The Amelie soundtrack is playing, and I have finished my cup of tea.

I have to leave for work in eight minutes, and if I think about that too much I may start to panic. So let's just not think about it.

There is a foot of snow on the ground, and it is cold.

I am seeking, seeking, seeking.

When will I be found?

Read more...

a request

As absurd as this may sound, there are moments in life where I am angry at God.

For as long as I can remember, I have sifted, and strained, and stalked through people's lives looking for the details that mean they have it better than I do. I struggle with contentment, and it is more of a burden than I thought possible.

I am so quick to take in the joyful moments of other people's lives and think, "Why don't I have that? What is so different and special about them that they get everything I want?" And how quick am I to relish in the moments where I see others going through hard times, simply so that I can know that I am not alone in my imperfect life.

And this is a risk, sharing this. This is opening up the monster, and letting her crawl out. This is allowing the darkest, nastiest parts of my soul emerge into the light for others to examine.
Because this the truth.

I am selfish, and mean. I am not content, and I want everything that I do not have. I have the ability to compare and complain in any situation, and I am good at it.

I am an ugly sinner who deserves nothing that she has, and everything that she has been spared.

And in the middle of all of it, I have the still-tiny cry in my head saying, "But surely you're not that bad. Surely you deserve some good things in your life!"

That, my fellow readers, is the depth of my depravity.

A few weeks ago, I heard a sermon given on Cain and Abel. Obviously, a commonly known story, and one in which not much new information was going to be revealed. Yet, I cannot stop thinking about it...there was one phrase the pastor delivered that has been sewn into my brain, and it attacks me at my weakest moments. He said this:

"Jealousy is not wanting what someone else has. Jealousy is resenting that person for getting what you did not, and wondering why they are so much more privileged."

That, my friends, is exactly it.

He then went on to say that we must confess our sins to the Lord, and also to each other. If we truly want to be delivered out of bondage, we have to let the light into the dark places, and allow someone else to help us be accountable.

You are my flashlight.
This is my dark place.

Please help me out of here.

Read more...

a mixture

There are lots of things swirling around today, and as usual, I'm going to be cryptic about them and simply say that I am trying to experience my emotions in moderation.

Or at least balance things out a little.
So, to negate the complaints I have in my head today, let me simply say that the sky was blue and beautiful and I actually accomplished capturing it through my lens.




"The Lord bless you and keep you, the Lord make his face shine upon you and give you peace."

Read more...

sustain

I have been to the gym every day.
I have read five books in a week.
The apartment is clean, I have cooked dinner, and made the bed.

What does it mean when I just want to be busy all the time instead?

Read more...