i don't quite know

where to start, exactly.

How about some pictures of my most recent adventure?

This weekend, we stayed at my sister-in-law's house. She lives on the outskirts of London, so on Friday, we took the National Rail (sort of like the Metra, for you city people) in to London Victoria (the main train station in London) and then took the tube to Notting Hill and Portobello Road.

If you've seen the movie 'Notting Hill' you probably know what I'm talking about.

If not, it's one of the biggest and most popular outdoor markets in London.
Every Friday and Saturday, vendors come and set up tables with all of their items to sell.

(Kirra, you would have died. It was antique heaven.)

Anyway, it was raining (of course) and we were hungry, so we ducked into a cute little pub for some lunch.

This is the "Salon" where we ate. So very English, and very cozy. We loved it.

You pick a table, and then order your food at the bar and give them your table number. That way, they'll bring your food out to you when it's ready.
We were table 3.

This is me and Jessica, my sister-in law.
Love it.
We get along really well, which is great, and she and her husband have been so gracious to let us come and spend weekends with them in their lovely house.

My cutie husband.
He is so happy to be back in the motherland.

Our first major stop was this man selling all sorts of incredible old books.
This is a catholic prayer book, I think.

Here we have some Oliver Twist, and some Sherlock Holmes.
I could have spent some major money here, except that he wanted nearly 75 pounds for each book, which comes out to about $115.
No thanks.

It was about this point that he started yelling at me for taking pictures, and I put my camera away for the rest of the trip.
There was so much more I wanted to shoot, but I didn't feel like offending any more Brits.

We also went to Covent Gardens, and this amazing candy shop where I bought "chocolate fudge" that was really more like a big tootsie roll.
A little disappointing, but that's alright.
It's the experiences that count.

I love this chair, which is in the living room of Jessica's house, and where I am currently crafting this post.
Plus, there was nice lighting.

And this is what the weather looks like outside...and, let's be honest, what it's looked like for the past two weeks.

--------------------------------

I've got Coldplay in the background, and I am literally choking on the emotion and memories that it's carrying with it. Add to that the fact that I am pregnant and homesick, and it's almost a wonder that tears aren't falling down my cheeks yet.

I miss home.

And the most awful part?
I don't even know where home is anymore.

You can blather on about how home is the people around you, and home is where the heart is, and home is where you lay your head at night, but I don't think any of these are right.
Because if this were the case, my home would be about three different places and none of them feel right.

And I guess that's what I'm waiting for, and it's what I've been waiting for.
A place that feels like home, and can feel like home, and that will feel like home.

I know that God never promised that all of this would be easy.
In fact, I don't think that's what I'm asking for.
I think I'm simply asking for the reassurance that one day, I will have my place.
Someday, I will look around me and think, "Yes. Here we are. We're home."

Until then, I'll be here.
Posting pictures of the story of a girl who is trying to find her place in the world, and boy who is sticking beside her the whole way through.

Love, love.
-C

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arrival.

Well, we made it.
More to come later, but at least this is some proof that we're actually here.

Love, love.

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these days

Currently missing:

Po kitty.
I know he's happy with grandpa and grandma back in my hometown, but I still miss snuggling with him.
Boo.

Four days.
Wowwwweeeee.
Cannot believe it.

I know that I have been fairly awful at posting regularly, but definitely watch this space.
One of my goals is to start this up more regularly, especially as we start this brand new beginning in our life.
Yay!

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mishmash

Just a few quick things:

I love romance.
And my husband is good at it...I just thought I'd brag. : )





I had the most delicious breakfast the other morning.
Plus, it looked pretty, so I have finally taken a food picture and posted it to my blog.
Does that make me a "real" blogger now?

Our 50mm lens came, and I loved it, but it didn't autofocus 'cause apparently, my camera body is lacking an autofocus motor.
So, we sold said 50mm on eBay, and bought a 35mm (which actually turns out to be a 50mm with my camera. Complicated camera lingo, trust me) which is supposed to get here tomorrow.
I can't wait.
The little taste I had with the 50mm was enough to get me obsessed with my new lens.
Love it soooo much already, and I cannot WAIT to see all the new pictures I'm going to be taking with it!

Finally got to go to Sprinkles with my dear friend Kirra Sue, who, even though we have only met in person twice, I feel like we have been old friends for a long, long time.
She also brought along Livie, one of the cutest babies out there.
No, seriously.
I could not stop "awwwww"ing over her.
Plus, she was kind enough to let me take pictures of them with my new lens, so that got her even more brownie points in my book.
Love you girl.
(And you and T are REQUIRED to come visit in England. I'll take you to Jane Austen places, I promise!)

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There is so much more going on, but I am at the library, where I am supposed to be working, but am taking advantage of the solid internet connection to update everything.

For now, let me just say that I am in "git 'er done" mode, when it comes to moving, and I feel like I will not be at peace until my apartment is empty and our suitcases are packed.
We're heading back to my home for a week or so, to say goodbye to everyone, which will be good but also terribly sad.

Pray for us, if you think about it.

Stress abounds, and we're doing our best to stay calm and united in the midst of it, but sometimes crankiness wins and I can't help snapping at my poor husband. He's been so understanding, but an extra measure of the Lord's patience would be wonderfully helpful.

'Til then...
-Cami

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here's the thing...

With my recent acknowledgment of stress and terror, I seem to have brought a whole host of other things flying down onto my back.

Instead of a monkey, I'm carrying a 300 pound gorilla with fingers of steel.

It all seems soooo real now...
*We purchased one-way plane tickets.
*My UK Settlement Visa arrived, stating that I am free to come and reside in their country.
*We've started packing (or rather, throwing away and giving things to thrift stores).
*We're about to go and start the round of family visits I have to make before we move.

And, see, I know that there are so many people out there who would take this opportunity and run with it. And it's not that I'm not grateful or excited, or even afraid that this is not where God wants us.

But holy crap.

This is permanent for the foreseeable future and I have no way of knowing how it's going to turn out. And I really hate that.

I seem to have this issue where I need to know what's happening so that I know how to deal with it. It doesn't matter if I can directly contribute anything to resolving the situation or not, I simply need the knowledge in my brain so that I don't go crazy with the possibilities and unknowns. I don't like not-knowing.

This situation is one in which I know that I am not happy in Chicago. Please note that I didn't say that there haven't been times of happiness, cause I've had so many good things happen to me here.
But I don't have a deep-seated sense of fulfillment in knowing that this is where God has placed us.

However, I am complacent here.
I am familiar. I have an apartment and a cat, and I know where the grocery store, coffee shops, transportation system, hospital, and other things are located. I made this place my home because I had too.

Now I am faced with leaving complacency, and trading it for an unknown.
This is an incredibly tough decision, even though it sounds easy. (Who wouldn't hop on a plane and fly to Europe at the first chance they got?)

Right now I am faced with confronting the two things that are the most difficult for me, and that ones that I just really hate: do I stay muddled in complacency, or do I trade that for an unknown with no promised outcome?

Obviously, the choice has already been made, but that doesn't mean I'm ready for it.

However, God has recently impressed upon my mind that I cannot choose to follow Him when I feel like it. If I am in it, I must be in it always, at every moment of every day.
In every awful and ugly situation I find myself in, do I trust that God sees and cares and understands? Do I trust that He has endowed me with the knowledge and capabilities I need in order to make the best decisions that will bring the most glory to Him?
That's a difficult one, because it means believing in myself, and believing that I am worth enough to Him that He will allow me to do what I want and still take care of me in the process.

This is long, and messy, and I know it's not a sample of my greatest writing abilities.
But it's where I'm at, and it's where I'm headed, and that's really all I've got right now.

My tunnel of knowledge is coming to an end, and I have no idea what I'm going to find outside of it.

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woosh.

45 days.

I am terrified.

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snippets.

I am chasing away the desire for more with a list of summerish things to accomplish. I love my work, and I love the fulfillment it brings, but I also don't want to wake up one morning and find myself drained empty because I didn't take time to do things I LOVE doing, simply for the sheer pleasure of doing them.

Things to accomplish before we leave:

1) Explore Wicker Park: I've always wanted to go here, and many weekends we've talked about doing it, but we can never seem to get up the effort. So I am making a statement--we're going out there!

2) Take more pictures (and refresh myself on "what makes a good photo"): Photography class was such an outlet for me, but it got buried under piles of other homework and stress. Now that I'm out of school, I want to be able to photograph for enjoyment, and not critique myself too harshly, but also work on improving my style and skill.

3) Teach myself how to dance: This comes from watching my sister dance and finding out that she watched YouTube videos to learn how. I've got about ten of them loading right now, so just wait. I'll break it down soon enough.

4) Hit the touristy things of Chicago that I missed while in school: These include

-The Sears Tower

-Examining the Loop Architecture

-The Lincoln Park Zoo

-The Garfield Park Conservatory

-The Field Museum

-The Planetarium

-The Shedd Aquarium

-The Museum of Contemporary Art

and probably a few more that I'm missing.

5) Keep my tan up at the beach: Where I'm going, the beach is far, far away, and it rains too often to get a decent tan anyway. I've got to soak up the skin cancer while it's still in my reach.

6) Read all the books I check out of the library: Seriously, I always check out more than I can handle. I've got to get some sort of system for figuring out how to tackle them all before the late fees hit.

7) Go for another "just because" bike ride: I want to explore this place, the ins and outs, the parts that you only see when you look for them. I want to smell the sun, and whisper with the wind in my ears, and smile because I am flying for just a few moments.

8) Do something every day just for the sake of feeling pretty: Be it giving myself a mani/pedi, doing my hair differently, putting on more makeup than just mascara, taking extra time picking out my outfit, or accessorizing really well, I just need to make sure that there is something I can call on when my self-doubt hits. Something I can hold up and say, "You may feel fat/tired/unstylish/poor but you did ----- today, and that makes you beautiful."

9) Cook a good, difficult recipe every so often: My husband bought pork chops one night, and I was forced to find a recipe that would be worthy of them. This led into a foray of gourmet cooking that left me shocked at my abilities and a desire to do it more often. So, I'll talk him into buying stuff for a really nice meal, and I'll find something phenomenal to do with it, and we'll eat like kings on the cheap.

10) Remember that I often see memories through rose-colored glasses, and my happiness is right here: I am a ponderer, a brooder, and a wishful thinker. I remember things and they are tinged with the emotions I want to feel when I think of them. This often leaves me unhappy and discontent, and I don't want to be that way anymore. I'm going to remember things as they were, and remind myself that we all had to make mistakes to get to where we are today. They are integral to our makeup, and it is not the mistake that changes us, but our response to it. So what will I choose to do with the consequences?

Don't forget to smile when you can, laugh as often as possible, and take a moment to feel nothing but the sun on your face.

That is satisfaction.

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satisfied.

This can't be long, as I have to get ready to dash out the door to my ice cream shop job, but I felt like I had to sit and record a moment of happiness in my life.

My contented moments are few and far between and so when one hits, I need to acknowledge it wholeheartedly.

I am writing, and getting paid for it.

In fact, I have so much work that I am confident I will be taking this on as a full-time job soon.

Can I tell you how wonderfully happy this makes me?

I've been determined to be a writer since I was fourteen. And it's actually happening.

People are giving me money to put words on pages!

I feel so accomplished because for the first time in my life, I saw something that I wanted more than anything, and went after it. And it's working...I'm succeeding.

God has blessed me immensely with a friend who is already freelancing, and she has been gracious enough to pass on clients.

I am getting orders for more and more articles, and each time another one comes in, I simply smile and think, "Wow. I'm actually doing this."

I don't think I've ever been so satisfied or fulfilled with my work before, and it is a wonderfully delicious feeling.

I am so, so grateful.

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the long haul

Words escape me.
The fluidity I used to have is gone, and in it's place is a gaping hole that I keep trying to fill with sleep, cleaning, work, and anything else that will keep me busy.

I miss writing.
I miss the ease, and the intensity of it.
I miss having something to say, and a burning need to say it.

I don't know where this is going. I don't know why I'm trying to fill the void, and spit something into the black hole of "internet".
Maybe it's just me trying to remind someone that I'm here, and I'm alive and I want more than I've got right now.

I'm sure that my moaning about contentment (or lack thereof) is getting old, and for that I apologize. Apparently, it's a lesson that I need schooling in often.

To end this on a positive note: the 4th of July was fun, especially since I have an English husband and this is the most American holiday possible. I always go all out, if possible. : )

(cute lil' englishman--note the book he brought.)


(yay America!)


(peace at last)


(it started to rain, and we realized the blanket we brought was actually a duvet cover--so, we crawled inside. haha)


(--we are in it)

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betrayal

It's difficult today.

Fighting back the argument that I am the reason I have found myself alone in this city without a familiar face to talk to and laugh with.
I'm reminding myself that college wasn't the end-all, be-all of my life and the point of going there was to accomplish my degree, and not set myself up with my "best friends EVER!" for the rest of my life.
But there are still moments like today, where it is so easy to look around and see moments that I missed, laughs I did not hear, and relationships that I am not a part of.

I just wish I was there already, settled in, happy, with people I could trust.

I think I miss that the most...trusting people.

Ugh.
Ugh, ugh, UGH.

Fall seven times, get up eight.

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resignation

Well...I'm going to be brutally honest and say that the reason it's been one month since I've posted something is because I had this huge ginormous goal that I had almost met, and I made a deal with myself that I wouldn't write until it had been accomplished.

I have not yet met that goal, and I gave up trying for a good while.

But the fact that my fingers are typing on this computer is testimony to the fact that I do not yet have even myself, or any part of this life figured out, and God continues to teach me about both.

I am learning that life is not about me in any way shape or form, and yet, I am not an accident.

I am learning that everything I do must be driven by the ultimate desire to serve God, even when what I am doing seems trivial or unimportant.

I am learning that there are good things about this life I am living right now, such as:
sunshine,
aqua blue nail polish,
gluten-free sections in the grocery store,
laughing with strangers,
walking and biking everywhere I need to go,
free vases of tulips,
and my ever-loving, truly amazing husband.

I'm going to keep trying to stop being restricted by who I want to be, and start being liberated by who I am.

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resolve

There are things in life that will not happen unless I make them happen.
Sadly enough, this can cause problems for the extreme procrastinator that I am and also cause undue amounts of stress about not "seizing the day".
I always wake up full of hope which is promptly quenched around one o'clock when I decide that I simply do not have enough energy to follow through on those small dreams for the day.
This leads to lots of regret and discontent in my life, and rather than sit and complain about it until I turn eighty, I have chosen this day to try and make a small change.

I want to write again.
I miss the passion and frequency I had before I boiled it down to a science, fit it neatly into my box, and packed it away with my college degree.
I will write, and I will not put rules on it. I will let it flow and twist and writhe and pour out into words that may or may not coherently fit together.
If I can make a living out of it, good.
If not, even better.

Instead of doing something for the end result, I will do something simply to do it.
Instead of analyzing every move in my life, I will just move.
Sometimes without reason, and sometimes without thought.
But at least I will not be still and stuck.

I am going to use this body that I have exercised and taken care of.
Otherwise, what is the point?
Why work so hard to keep something in good condition if you're not going to take it and see everything that it is capable of?

What am I capable of?

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one hundred.

I've faced this empty page 100 times, and poured out my thoughts.

I feel like I should have something profound to say, but, I don't. I feel oddly like Joy Williams in her latest blog post...like the words have left me for a season.
This is scary, and unfortunate, but at the same time I cannot press myself to create.
I've never worked that way, and I wouldn't want to.

God brings the words as He sees fit, and I don't have much other to do with it, except write them down.

As a final addendum, I got a job.
I scoop ice cream and I love it.
I don't have to think too much, rather I just chat with friendly people and make them smile as I hand them a cone full of sugar.
It's nice.

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Scrape.

I'm trying not to let it get to me.
Trying to remind myself that life takes care of itself, and God takes care of life.

But really...after awhile it just gets disheartening.
I don't know why I worked so hard those four years of school for that shiny piece of paper in my diploma cover.
Why did I spend SO many nights not sleeping and pounding out papers, if not for a purpose and a dream?
Why did I cry and scream and plead with God to just get me through it all if I was going to end up sitting in coffee shops looking at jobs I won't get and thinking about what to cook for dinner?

I don't understand this and it frustrates me.
There has got to be more than this, and I don't get the waiting part.
Why?
No, really, why?

I missed out on the sunshine today so that I can sit and send out fifty resumes.
I didn't take my camera out because I needed to find somewhere to make money.
I gave up what I wanted for what I needed, and still came up empty handed.

This has got to end.

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collide

To seek the truth...to find the truth.

Strive, and push, and ponder, and deal with the things that are unearthed along the way.

Your life is a journey, and there is nothing at the end except for death (and what comes after).

What will you have left behind after you've gone?

Because you cannot take anything with you.

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hope.

There is a sense of promise in the sky today, and I am finding it easier to breathe because I have a date.
We are moving out in mid-July.

I'm not sure where yet (there are possibilities), and I'm not sure what we'll be doing when we get there, but the point is that God is letting us go.

He has kept me and sustained me for the past three years here in Chicago, and He is finally going to release me of this burden that I feel when I'm here.

But let me just pause for a moment, and say something:
I realize that so often on here all that you twelve readers hear is me complain and argue and rant against God.
Please understand that what you read here is a smidgen of my life and my attitude. I am honestly trying to seek God and be content wherever it is that He has placed me. I just happen to be a strong, ferocious woman who doesn't like doing what she has to do sometimes. So when I get stuck between a rock and a hard place, the easiest way for me to cope with it is to write about it. However, I just want to reinforce that I truly, truly believe that if God had called us to stay in Chicago long-term, that He would not only get me through it, but give me a sense of joy and peace about being here.
And it's not like I have completely despised my time here. This has been a wonderful place for me, on many occasions. God brought me here to meet my husband, He gave me a college degree here, and so many other amazing things.
So all of this to say that I have really appreciated being here, and I am sure I will miss this place when I am gone.

But for now, I am thrilled to know that I will be able to start settling my life in a few short months!

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no name.

There is sun.

The Amelie soundtrack is playing, and I have finished my cup of tea.

I have to leave for work in eight minutes, and if I think about that too much I may start to panic. So let's just not think about it.

There is a foot of snow on the ground, and it is cold.

I am seeking, seeking, seeking.

When will I be found?

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a request

As absurd as this may sound, there are moments in life where I am angry at God.

For as long as I can remember, I have sifted, and strained, and stalked through people's lives looking for the details that mean they have it better than I do. I struggle with contentment, and it is more of a burden than I thought possible.

I am so quick to take in the joyful moments of other people's lives and think, "Why don't I have that? What is so different and special about them that they get everything I want?" And how quick am I to relish in the moments where I see others going through hard times, simply so that I can know that I am not alone in my imperfect life.

And this is a risk, sharing this. This is opening up the monster, and letting her crawl out. This is allowing the darkest, nastiest parts of my soul emerge into the light for others to examine.
Because this the truth.

I am selfish, and mean. I am not content, and I want everything that I do not have. I have the ability to compare and complain in any situation, and I am good at it.

I am an ugly sinner who deserves nothing that she has, and everything that she has been spared.

And in the middle of all of it, I have the still-tiny cry in my head saying, "But surely you're not that bad. Surely you deserve some good things in your life!"

That, my fellow readers, is the depth of my depravity.

A few weeks ago, I heard a sermon given on Cain and Abel. Obviously, a commonly known story, and one in which not much new information was going to be revealed. Yet, I cannot stop thinking about it...there was one phrase the pastor delivered that has been sewn into my brain, and it attacks me at my weakest moments. He said this:

"Jealousy is not wanting what someone else has. Jealousy is resenting that person for getting what you did not, and wondering why they are so much more privileged."

That, my friends, is exactly it.

He then went on to say that we must confess our sins to the Lord, and also to each other. If we truly want to be delivered out of bondage, we have to let the light into the dark places, and allow someone else to help us be accountable.

You are my flashlight.
This is my dark place.

Please help me out of here.

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a mixture

There are lots of things swirling around today, and as usual, I'm going to be cryptic about them and simply say that I am trying to experience my emotions in moderation.

Or at least balance things out a little.
So, to negate the complaints I have in my head today, let me simply say that the sky was blue and beautiful and I actually accomplished capturing it through my lens.




"The Lord bless you and keep you, the Lord make his face shine upon you and give you peace."

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sustain

I have been to the gym every day.
I have read five books in a week.
The apartment is clean, I have cooked dinner, and made the bed.

What does it mean when I just want to be busy all the time instead?

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the beginning

And...here we are.

Christmas break in Utah is over, I have graduated from college, and am working on getting settled in to "real life".

I'm sitting in Starbucks and thinking about how completely surreal this moment is. It's 3:24 pm on a Thursday afternoon and I have no pressing engagements anywhere. No homework to worry about or papers to desperately scribble out. I've been to the gym today, made my bed this morning, and cuddled with my cat.
There is no rush.

It's weird, because I almost feel a void where the rush was. Like I'm leaning forward on my tiptoes to overcompensate for the huge gust of stress that I am sure must be coming. Almost like I'm looking for something to worry about so that I'll have a "purpose" in my daily life.

I'm beginning to realize that I have forgotten how to live.

There is nothing wrong with goals, and work, and college degrees. However, they tend to suck away at you, and make you forget the purpose behind everything you're doing. Suddenly the work becomes the purpose, and you put your whole self into that.
But then the work finishes up, and you are left looking for something to do, so that your life can feel useful again.

I'm trying to remind myself that the reason I worked so hard was to get to this spot in time, this moment where I can sit and be free of nagging obligations or stresses. But (there's always a but, isn't there?) it's difficult. I seem to be realizing that I have always measured myself according to the tasks I was completing, the jobs I was getting done.

To be honest, I think I am afraid of this looming emptyness.
I am afraid of being looked over and left behind.

I don't want to be the one waiting while everyone else gets on with their life.
But really, what does getting on with life even look like?

So, in the wake of the New Year, here are my goals (or ambitions. Maybe that's a better word) for keeping myself focused on right now.

Be the best wife to my husband that I possibly can.
That is who God has called me to serve, and I want to do it with the best of my ability.

Focus on getting my body healthy, and watch the kind of food I am putting into it.
I want to spend as many years of my life with said husband as possible.

Re-discover my relationship with the Lord and the passion I have to serve Him.
For so long the world has gotten in the way, but I am making a statement for the public to read, that God needs to be my number one priority again. Finding a purpose isn't going to come without that.

So, here we go, 2010!

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complete.

Well...

I did it!!!

I am, officially, a Moody Bible Institute Graduate.
Thank you, sweet Lord Jesus.















And the best part about it all?

My parents flew in and surprised me.

I was totally and completely clueless.
It was the most special thing that anyone has ever done. (Well, besides the part where my amazing husband fell in love with me and asked me to marry him in Paris. But this is a close second. : )

We made it!!!

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i'm here...somewhere

I'm still alive (barely) and scraping through (barely).

Graduation is on Saturday, and I'm sure I'll have more to say afterwards.
But until then, this little notice of my existence will have to suffice.

I am ALMOST DONE.

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quit.

I am so, so tired today.
It's a worn out kind of tired, not a lack-of-sleep tired.
I'm just losing motivation.

School is over in three and a half weeks. I have a monumental amount to accomplish before I get there, and as deadlines are looming, my inspiration is drying up. I have had writer's block for four weeks already.
This is terrifying.

Relationships are wearing thin, and I'm just waiting for the rubber band to snap and break. Things are coming to a close on so many levels and winter is on it's way and I cannot help but stand here and think about how gray everything looks.
It's so easy to think about the future and ignore where you're actually standing.

The end is so close that I can taste it, but it's not here yet and I'm having a hard time with that.

I'm actually going to finish something this time, but I still have to finish it.

DUH.

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build-up

I'm in some sort of creative funk.
I sit down to write and I've got nothing. Literally no words.

This scares me in some ways, considering that I am a month and a half away from graduating from college with the title of "Writer" slapped across my forehead in an answer to post-grad plans.

Umm...what happens when a writer can't write?

I'm hoping that all of this is simply due to being overwhelmed and stressed out by recent and recurring events in my life right now. I guess my goal is to get through to the end, and then pick up words in a few months.

In other news, the sun is shining and I have my beautiful camera with me today. Maybe I'll take some blog-worthy shots.

; )

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breathe without you

I want my kitty.

I want to take beautiful pictures and become famous and run away.

I want to write my heart out, and know that someone else thought it was worth their time.

I want to be destroyingly complex, and disturbingly simple.

I want to breakout of here, out of this funk and move into the sunshine.

I want to not want anymore, but to be still and sit where I am.

I am not alive, I am not afraid, I am not alone.

I am waiting, and wishing, and I know that You can see me.

This is not a clean break. And now I'm raggedy on the inside.

--Love you and miss you baby. Play with your sister, and I'll see you there someday soon.

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the cats are fighting and there's tension in the air this morning.
Maybe it's the rain.

I don't know what to do with myself.
I'm supposed to write and dream up creative things.
I'm supposed to vacuum the floors and neaten the house.

Instead I am
distracted
confused
hurt
upset
procrastinating
cold
tired
and
trying to be content in this.

In Philippians, Paul talks about having joy in the midst of everything else. And I guess he would know, considering he was in jail while he wrote all of that.
I just wonder, how is it that he is able to have joy in prison, while I am struggling to find true contentment in a solid house with four walls and a roof?
I know Paul was a spiritual giant and all that, but is it really so unlikely for someone in today's society to find the same joy that he had? I feel like that is selling ourselves short, claiming that since Paul wrote Scripture, he obviously had "ins" to God that we don't get today.

We know the same God. He hasn't changed any since then.

"For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe on him, but also to suffer for him..."
-Philippians 1:29

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in Your name i find meaning

I'm holding on...

barely holding on to You.

The longer I live, the more mistakes I make.
I get dirtier while growing, and mold/punch/stretch myself into contortions that I would rather not feel. I wonder if the desire for perfection will ever leave.
I wonder about those people who tell us that God is the one that puts that desire for perfection in us. Would God tell us to pursue such a fruitless course of living?
Or would He simply be content with us running to Him, so that He can take control of the situation?

I have pursued perfection.

I have dug my fingers into the rocks until they are bleeding, digging for a way out of the messes that I put myself in.

I have striven for beauty.

I have cried myself to sleep at night in mourning of the failures that I experienced that day.

I have run, and run, and run for sanity.

I have been on anti-depressants in order to wake myself up in the morning and function throughout the day.

And at the end of it all, I have collapsed at His feet--and imperfect, messy girl who just needs someone to tell her she is worthwhile.
I am tired of the pursuit, the striving, the running.
I just want to rest for awhile. I just want to be with Him for awhile.

And oddly enough, I fail at this too.

Dear Jesus,
Please help make me into who You want.
Amen.

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accomplishments

This weekend I...

baked bagels.
made my first homemade soup.
made non-chemical cleaner.
cleaned a little.
wrote some papers.
read books (for school and NOT for school).
ran a 5k and cut six minutes off of last year's time.
grew a lot with my husband.
babysat and talked with a 12 year old about the Lord.
slept in.
drank a lot of coffee.
and smiled.

I got to be a wife this weekend. I got to bake things, and make my house smell good. I listened to a sermon with my husband and worked on our marriage.
I accomplished things, and it felt fantastic.

I also realized that I have 12 weeks of school left.
These are my last 12 weeks for a long, long time.

So close, so close, so close.

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ready

It's time to leave, and move on.
Time to start real life for real and be a big-grown-up-girl.
I'm ready for it all.

I want to be able to focus on my husband, and making my home mine, and doing stuff that I love, instead of doing things that I have to.
I want to have neighbors, and people over for dinner, and good friends that won't move away after they've obtained their degrees.
I want people who will be accountable and hold me accountable, that I can grow with and help them grow.
I want to have a garden, and bake lots of things, and paint the walls of my house.

I want to live my life on my terms.

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Remember

when I brought you soup and juice and ice cream when you were so very ill?

when I ran to find you and stayed with you the day your boyfriend dumped you?

when we complained about everything, but reminded ourselves that it didn't matter, because we had each other?

when our biggest priority in life was finding God and ignoring everything else?

I'm not quite sure who you are now.
And I don't know where you're going
or why.

I miss you.
But I won't keep chasing after you.
Friendship goes both ways.

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my feet are wet and my hair's a mess.

I'm tired and messy this morning.
I absolutely hate this feeling.

It gets in your way and makes you feel inadequate and unworthy.
I would just like to run home, crawl back into bed, and sleep next to my husband for a long time.

I do not want to babysit today.
I don't want to go to class, or go running, or deal with the rain.

I do not want to be a grown-up today.

God, how do I do this?
How do I tackle the miserableness of days like today and keep going, while looking good at the same time?
How do I change this nagging attitude resonating through my brain, and come out with something truly genuine?

I'm so tired of being confronted by my human inadequacy every day.
Maybe this means I have pride issues.
Or maybe God's just trying to knock it into my head that this life cannot be done alone.

[insert long sigh here]

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success.

I lost 10 pounds over the summer.

That is equivalent to both of my cats, plus a little extra.

I am so proud of myself. I figured that maybe other people could be proud of me too.

Anyway...that is all. : )

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If only...

Can you imagine?
Just picture Chicago with even half the cars and twice as many bikes.
People would be nicer, the air would be cleaner, and we'd all get exercise.

Oh, the dream.

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come on

I'm finding You in between the lines.
I'm finding You, open up my eyes.
Give me time.
Because Your love is so alive.

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thank you

to everyone that did not make fun of me for grieving over a cat.
to everyone that said, "I'm so sorry. Hang in there".
to everyone that smiled sympathy at me.

You are so appreciated.

Today, instead of focusing on all of the things in my life that I could complain about, I am going to focus on the blue sky I saw this morning on my bike, and the sailboat in Lake Michigan, and the silhouetted skyline of Chicago.

I'm going to remember the wonderful women I got to spend some time with last night, and the perfect-fit husband that I came home to.

I'm going to be so thankful that my knee has healed up enough to pedal a bike, and that I somehow managed to get a hair appointment for tonight.

I'm going to smile because school starts in two weeks, and this is my very last semester of college. I'm going to have a Bachelor's Degree by Christmas.

So God....

Thanks.

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weight.

Grief is such a weird thing.
It's heavy, like a weight.
You carry it around with you, and sometimes there are moments that you can forget about it, but it always comes rushing back down on you afterwards.
It sucker-punches you in the gut, and takes away your air.

Now, please let me say that I understand that all of this is not the biggest tragedy going on right now.
And really, I am moving on, and going to work, and all of that.
This isn't the kind of hurt that makes me unable to crawl out of bed in the mornings or put on clothes.

It's just...I miss her. A lot.

I keep trying to go look for her.
I'll hear a noise in the kitchen and wonder what she's crawled onto this time.
I'll open the front door as little as possible so she can't run out.

But she's not here anymore.

My lovely husband bought me a dozen red roses and had them waiting for me, along with a letter, when I got home from Utah.
I smiled, and then I cried in her kitty bed.

Sometimes I roll my eyes at myself, being so emotional over a cat.
And then other times I just keep swallowing, so that the lump in my throat doesn't crawl out and become tears.

It's gonna be okay.
We're okay.
This is not the end of the world, or even the end of the day.
Sometimes, I just want to hold her.
And I can't.

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ache.

I miss you already, Ava baby.
See you in heaven, okay?
Love you...
Mommy

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my adventure

This is my life.
This is my adventure.
Thank goodness.

Photos by Rich Legg

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okay then.

Oh, unending stream of criticism in my head.

Will you ever run out of words?

Why is it so hard to believe that I am who You say I am?
Put together just the way you wanted.
Poured out into the body you designed.
Crafted into this person...that confounds me daily.

I enjoy chocolate cookies
and pizza
and cheese/crackers/salami
and all things "unhealthy".
I'm a walking klutz, unless I'm on ice.
Then I feel like a ballerina.
I spill, I trip, I snort, I sob.

I am a landmine of emotions.

Get out, get out, get out.

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here it is...there it was

It's like inadequacy.

Wondering, "Really? Why not me? We seem the same."
But actually, they kept all the good parts that you let go to waste.

I don't want them to go to waste anymore.

God, can you take me back to a beach in Mexico where you were more powerful than the wind and the waves, and all I could feel were your hands on my shoulders?

I'm so overwhelmed with this.
I'm so overwhelmed when I remember everything else, and everything now.

Your life comes with commitments.
You go from thinking, "I wonder what my life will be,"
to
"This is what my life is. I just defined it."

Did I do the right things?
Did I make the right decisions?
Is this how I was supposed to turn out?

I've forgotten the solid peace I had when my life was wide open and there were no doors to hide behind.

Dear Jesus,
Make me better.
Amen.

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too much.

*update--
My husband is amazingly wonderful and is taking me on a staycation to Evanston. We are staying in a cute little bed and breakfast just off the purple line. We leave on Thursday afternoon and come home on Saturday afternoon.
Praise the good Lord Almighty.

Secondly, I had an interesting observation while biking home this evening. My thighs were literally cramping up about halfway home, but I just tried to ignore it and keep going.
However, had I been on a stationary bike at the gym, or a treadmill, I would have just gotten off.
But I wanted to come home, and biking was my only option, so I stayed on.
Now my thighs are looking nicely mannish with muscle and I am in desperate need of some good stretching.

Bug Count:
Mouth-4
Nose-1
Eye-1
Head/Arms/Hair-too numerous to count

Seriously. Does anyone have any suggestions about this? I had to stop and get a drink to wash them all down. Nasty.
_____________________________________________________________

There's just been too much lately.
Really, I probably could have written 20 posts in the past week, but I just couldn't.

I couldn't do a lot of things.

I have got to snap out of this.

On the biking front: It's an interesting thing. I enjoy the exercise and the fresh air. I hate the cars and their mean drivers. So on one hand I am getting out, getting air, calming down. On the other, I am winding back up when I have to yell at people that drive an inch away from me and force me to the side of the road.
I saw fireflies the other day. It was a little bit of magic for a moment.
Until one went down my throat.
Then it was not so magical.

On the everything else front: I could spend my days sitting on the beach and eating frozen yogurt.
Is it wrong that I feel entitled to some sort of break?
I've written repeatedly about how I've felt like I went non-stop for this past year and I know that there's a crash coming somewhere.
Or maybe it's just little crashes.
I think I've been having some of those lately.

I don't know. Our society pushes us to keep going, keep working, make money, don't quit.
Yet, God clearly talks about us needing rest.
Where's the balance?
How much rest is enough, and when do you cross the line into laziness?

It's been hard to move lately, and I don't like it.

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contradiction

I want to leave this place.
paris, barcelona, rome, london.
I'll take any of them.
I want anywhere but here.
And I want to take everything with me.

I want home and I don't know where it is.

I want to settle in, and I don't want to stay anywhere for too long.

I am a walking contradiction and I just need a place to lie down.

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turtle aquariums with a side of gay pride (or, how I tried to outrun a bus on my first bike ride)

Whew.
It's been a day. Or two.

Here's how it started: On Sunday, Husband and I decided that we finally needed to commit to these turtles (his dad bought us two turtles in Chinatown when they came. We did not realize the amount of work they were going to be when he did so. It was a nice thought), so I looked up Petsmart and we figured out that all we needed to do was take a bus straight down and it would drop us off right in front of it. Then we could take that bus back and not have to worry about carrying a giant aquarium back by ourselves.

However, we forgot one small issue.

It happened to be Gay Pride here in Chi-town this week, and our bus was driving right on the soon-to-be parade route.
Thus, we had to get off the bus and wade our way through a million people to try and find a pet store so that we could buy our turtle tank.
Also, these million people were very drunk, very almost naked, and very into getting a rise out of people that (clearly) had no idea what they were doing there (this would be Husband and I).

Now, let me stop for a moment and tell you this: I love gay people, straight people, bi-people, and transgendered people. I might not agree with what they're doing, but I don't agree with people that cheat on their spouses either. Point being this: I would rather show someone I don't know that I love them, then judge them and close them off to Christ forever.

However, I'm not exactly at ease in a crowd full of people that are intent on getting wasted and seeing how far across the "inappropriate" line they can cross without getting in trouble.
Especially not when I see four and five-year-olds standing there with their parents watching all of this.
Plus, being in crowds like that makes me nervous after awhile.

All of this to say, that halfway through our trek into gay-pride, I was starting to get really nervous and crabby. I got to my breaking point when I saw a float full of people doing extremely inappropriate things driving by and the crowd cheering them on. I really thought I was going to completey freak out.

And then.

And then, the night ministry bus came driving down the parade route after them and I remembered that this is exactly where Christ would be. Where we should be.
In the middle of all of this, telling people that we love them no matter what they do, or who they are, or where they come from.
All of a sudden, I couldn't help but love these people and see them for who they were: a group of people that just wanted to fit in somewhere.
They just wanted someone to tell them, "It's alright. I see your struggles and your pain, and I love you anyway."
Isn't that what everyone wants, gay or not?

It's what I want.

It's what Christ gives me.
Somewhere to belong, somewhere to just sit and be me in my messy, failed, broken-down state of being.

And who am I to withhold that from someone?

*sidenote: we got a 20 gallon aquarium, and because we are completely obsessed with our cat, we bought her a little kitty climber thing.
We then had to carry these stupid, heavy items for about two hours because the buses were not running, and all taxis were full.
I think that this was the most idiotic attempt we have ever made at trying to be normal in spite of not having a car.

And the cat hates her climber.
Of course.
__________________________________________________________________

This morning, I decided on a whim to bike the five miles into work even though I have not ridden a bike in years, and I'm not sure I've ever biked five miles (especially next to cars).

I think that it was the terror-induced adrenaline that got me here, because I am now tired.
And I have to do it again to get home.

I made the mistake of trying to outrun a bus at one point, so I could have more room on that narrow road.
Then I almost hit a pothole and fell over while my purse was slapping me in the chest and my pizza pockets were getting stuck in my wheels.

I think that there are indents in the handles now, where my fingers were locked in. In fact, I kind of had to pry them off, one by one when I got to work.

But, by darn, I got my exercise in for the day.
Maybe I'll take the train home.

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death and other odd things

Well, since this is clearly the most obvious thing going on right now, Michael Jackson is dead.
Weird.
I'm listening to his music today in tribute.

Alright, now that I have acknowledged that, let's move on.

I spent time with my husband last night.
Really, what a novel idea!
It was lovely. We went and saw "Transformers" (which is fantastic!) and then we went to Berry Chill afterwards for frozen yogurt. It was delicious and also within my calorie limit for the day.
Yeeeessss.

I can guarantee you that I will be spending a lot of time there this summer.

I've worked out three times this week, and I am planning on exercising after I get off of work today. This means that I will have finally hit my 4x a week cardio assignment, and also my 3x a week strength assignment.
Also, I think I can see the muscle in my legs again. Woah. Thank you, trainer Heidi.

I know this is not super interesting.
That's alright.
Sometimes it's nice to not write anything heavy and remind myself that I do have moments of a normal life.

I really want to go to the beach.

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heat wave

I am not sure that I have ever craved a vacation more than in these past few days.
Maybe it's the heat coming in, that is reminding me that it is summer and the time of year when I am supposed to slow down and enjoy my husband/life.

However, this has been the busiest summer of my life, and I think it's been even more hectic than the school year.
I go from one job to the next (2 total, plus an unpaid internship), all day, until I collapse in the kitchen at home and somehow cook meals.
Sometimes I'll see my husband, like when he crawls into bed at 1am, and when he gets out of it at 7am.

Ugh.

I'm at the point where I would even settle for three nights in a hotel by the airport, simply to feel like I am slightly away from life.
The only problem is that we can't afford to take that time off, plus pay for a hotel.

I'm not trying to complain, honestly.
It's just that I really felt like I spent all of last school year running on half a tank because I never had enough time to stop and refill myself. Now I am afraid that I will have the same thing happen this year, except that I will have been stretched out for even longer because of this insane summer.
I want to do well this upcoming semester, but I know that's not going to happen unless I go into it really ready to start school again. At this rate, I'm just going to be scraping by.

Lord, can you take away the weight of my world please?

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an arrival

Well.
It appears that summer has run in and dropped his silly little self all over Chicago quite suddenly.
There was no creeping in for this guy...he just decided to arrive one day.

And I cannot say that I am complaining.
I mean, other than sweating out more than my body weight and having hair that looks like a microwaved poodle. Besides all that, I'm doing just fine.

As to the rant the other night, well...
All things in moderation.

This is what I have decided.
I will exercise in moderation (I just may need to adjust MY idea of moderation to meet the ACTUAL idea of moderation).
I will eat in moderation (this means a variety of food, and snacks throughout the day).
I will take my life in moderation (as in, one day at a time).

I just don't have any other options. And really, what am I going to do anyway?

On another note, we're starting to look at "Life After Moody".
It's kind of frightening, but way more exciting. I asked God to prepare a place for us, wherever it might be. We have a few different places that we're examining, but I don't want to lock us into anything, so I'll wait to write about where.
Let's just say that it could be exactly what my overworked soul needs for awhile.
And I am deciding to look at that as taking care of myself, rather than copping out on the world.

The end.

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summer change

Do we like it?
I'm still not so sure about the look...

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scars still hurt when you scratch them

Two minutes ago, I was crying on the bathroom rug with these words wandering through my head (I'm now in the bedroom, because we can't get internet in the bathroom. Alas, my movie-like moments are always foiled).
I brought my wedding dress home with me after my recent trip to Utah. Folded it up in it's garment bag and tucked it in the bottom of my suitcase. Clearly, I opened it up and looked at it when I got home, but I put off trying it on because I was afraid.
So tonight, after watching some stupid t.v. show about couples finally deciding to take the plunge, I put it on.

I could barely get it over my hips.

I feel like my whole life is spent fighting the same battles and never winning. I can look back on my life and see that the things that I struggled with then are the things that I still struggle with now.

God, will I never have any victory?

I have spent so much of my life motivating myself to wake up in the mornings and just get. out. of. bed.
I have then spent those days trying to monitor what goes into my mouth, and the amount of exercise I do to burn it off.
It's so exhausting.

I remember being four years old and telling my mother that I thought I was fat. I would look at myself in the mirror and think that there was always something missing.
I grew up into a teenager that was attracted to the world and all it seemed to offer. I took the bait and gave into the lies that it fed me--I should always be happy, I should be 5'7" and weigh 110 pounds, and I should also be able to eat anything I want while lying by a pool, working on my tan.
I was blessed with two sisters who happen to be able to do just that, and not have the same results that I do. One was a gymnast and the other one was just a string bean with knobbly knees.
I have a mind that likes to attribute anything positive about itself to outside influences and suck in the negative things like a dry sponge.
And the horrible part is that I loved that wedding dress, but even when it slid over my hips on that day, I still wasn't happy with the person wearing it.

We've been married for a year (and two weeks) now.
When I pulled out my wedding dress, an odd and unexpected thing happened.
I started looking it over, noticing the dirty hem from dancing all night, and the loose beads from where my new husband put his hands around my waist, and I remembered all of the things that I was unsatisfied with on that day.

As wonderful as my wedding was, there are things that I'm not happy with.

However, as I thought about the past year as a wife, the only things that came to mind were how much more in love I am with my husband now than on that day and all of the times we've laughed together while living our life.

And maybe this is a small victory in itself.

Because if my mind has to pick something to be unsatisfied with, I would rather it be one day than an entire year.
There are things I would do differently now. But marrying that same man is not one of them.

I guess all of this is simply to say that I am now realizing that there are things that I may never overcome in this lifetime.
I may never weigh what I want to.
I may never outsmart the demons in my head.

But at least I will always know that I did one thing that I will never, ever regret.

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people are people, and sometimes it doesn't work out

I'm contemplative today.
Slept in (accidentally), went for an hour-long walk in the park by the beach, ate a good lunch and made it into work by 1:30.
In the shower I just kept saying to myself, "I'm gonna do this. I'm gonna make it. I'm gonna do this."
Apparently my recent trip to Utah has (again) changed my outlook on my ability to make my body what I want it to be. Not that this is a bad thing, just, you know, a change.

I don't think this summer is going to be what I wanted it to be.
Although, I'm not sure that I can say that any summer has been what I wanted it to be.
The very large majority of my closest friends are gone.
The ones that are here, well...it's complicated.
I'm working 20 hours at the office, and babysitting at least that many (if not more).
I need to start my internship next week, which is pretty exciting, but also unpaid. Thus, I will soon have to devote another 20 hours of my week to working without getting anything in return for it.
I'm committed to working out (especially since I know I'm checking back in with the trainer in two months, and I better be in a better state than I am now) which is nicely de-stressing, but also time-consuming.
Also, I think the cat is sick again.
And the weather is not cooperating with my wishes for "sunny, no clouds".

At least my nails look nice.

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isn't it interesting

how you seem to alienate the people that would be the most loyal to you.
how you still seem to think that this world and all the people in it revolve entirely around you and your "dream" life.
how you frustrate the life out of me, but I'm to non-confrontational to simply tell it to your face.
how betrayed I feel by you.
how over all of this drama that I want to be.
how over the word "drama" I want to be.
how my head always aches.
how I can despise you so much, and yet you still make me so insecure about myself.
how much power one measly little person can have over another.

how honestly good and sick writing all of this out makes me feel.

I just need a few more pills.
I am a prescription waiting to happen, with a lit fuse at the bottom and a firecracker on top.
Just let me live my life, and quit pushing your stupid ideals onto the rest of the world.
We don't want to care.

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fading

I'm watching Graduate School slip through my fingers and float away.
I need to cry.

God, why would you get me through all of this just to drop me without my dreams?

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i am angry

Call it a fad.
Call it overrated.
Call it what you will.
It doesn't change the fact that there is an international crisis going on, and most of the world seems content to live in ignorance or denial.

When my children read about this in their history books and ask me, "Mommy, why didn't you help?" I don't want to have to look them in the eyes and say, "I just didn't have time..."
I will make time.

When Hitler began his revolution, and started carting Jews off to work camps, no one stood up. And now, sixty years later, we all scream, "This will never happen again! How could the world be so blind?"
Well, guess what. It is happening again.
A generation of children is fighting a war that they do not understand, do not believe in, and have no business even witnessing.
This is wrong.

I will not sit by anymore.
And just because I cannot get on a plane and physically rescue children, does not mean that I have to stand by and do nothing.

I know that it has been a long fight.
I know that we have all heard of it, got impassioned for it, and then our fire died out.
Rekindle it. Because it is not over. We cannot be a generation that changes the world if we give up when things do not happen immediately.
We have become so accustomed to getting things NOW, that we forget that real change takes time and exhausting effort.
We say we are a generation who is ready to stand up for social justice and fix things that the people before us could not.
But if we are going to do this, we must beat it into the ground, until every single person has come home.
We must continue to have a passion in our hearts, regardless of how long it takes.
Dedicate yourself to something, and see it through.

April 25.
See you there.

The Rescue.
The Game Plan.
The Reason.

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a shocking (and possibly unexpected) revelation...

I have discovered something tonight that may surprise all twelve of you reading this right now. Ready?

I have absolutely no idea what I am doing here. And by here, I mean living in the ghetto of Chicago.

In case you all haven't noticed, I am a white girl. From the burbs. The most diversity I experienced while growing up was the rap station on the radio (which I loved). But just because you enjoy a culture, does not make you a part of that culture, or even fit in to that culture.
I am seeing this more and more the longer I am here.

Being a resident of Chicago is completely different than living in a dorm downtown where the majority of the city shuts down at 8 pm, and whatever is still open is not any place that you should be.
Here, there are drunken arguments outside my bedroom window at 2 am and I can see the flashing blue lights that symbolize a "police protected" area reflecting off the walls.
There are fifty year old prostitutes selling themselves on the same corner that I walk by to get to the train station every morning, and I know the spiel that the homeless man with no legs is going to give me as soon as I see him.
The biggest concern we have for our youth group kids is either gang-banging or worrying which one of our thirteen year old girls is going to get pregnant next, and which drug dealer will be the father this time?
And in the middle of all this, there is me.
There is me, who can do nothing else but cry, "Really God? Is there no one better for this job?"
Who can do nothing else but pray that she gets out of here soon.

And yet...
And yet. There is a sinking feeling inside of me that knows no matter where I go, I will never be able to forget this place, and forget the level of depravity that I have seen, and begun to harden myself to every day.
The first time a homeless person asked me for change, I literally felt my heart breaking as I told him no. I kept glancing back as I walked down the street, praying that God would forgive me for neglecting someone. Now, I barely even glance at them as I say "nope, sorry", and that heart break has turned to a small nudge that is easily quieted.
To be honest, I don't like this place at all.
Twenty minutes ago, someone looked at me and said, "you're a bitch" just for being a white girl walking down the street at 9 pm.
Two minutes later, someone looked at me and said, "how you doing, gorgeous" just for being a white girl walking down the street at 9 pm.
I don't enjoy this.

I dream of a sophisticated little house next to the beach, with a nice little car that I can drive to my wonderfully qualified Graduate School while I learn about how to write fake stories and sell them to people around the world.

Is this all You have made me for?
How can You expect me to do anything else?

Maybe I will never be a martyr in Africa. Maybe I will never be an award-winning author. Maybe I will never own a nice house, or a fancy car, or send my kid to nice schools.
Maybe the greatest sacrifice that I have been called to give is my life, and my dreams for that life.
Maybe I have been called to sacrifice my beach house for an apartment in the ghetto, and my car for a train ride, and my children's fancy schools for a public school where the literacy rate doesn't get higher than a third grade level.
Maybe all of that is a bigger sacrifice than anything else that I could have deemed worthy.
Maybe the one thing that God requires of me is the one thing that I don't want to give.
Who do I love more?

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