three months

My third trimester starts today.

Jameson Jia Sheung Ho is due three months from yesterday.

I'm not sure that I've even really got my head wrapped around this quite yet. I think it still feels far away, but at the same time it is drawing imminently closer and I am trying not to run around in a panic about all of the things that I would like to have done before he gets here.

Although this has probably been the most trying time in our lives (for many reasons), I look around and I see the fact that we have still been given all of the things we need to bring our son into the world and take care of him for the first few months of his life.

I'm not too sure about the months afterwards, but I am doing my best to rest in the knowledge that at least the "now" is taken care of.

To tell you the truth, I am so in love with my son, that three months almost feels like an unbearable amount of time to wait to meet him.

I want to be a mom now, and time is ticking by.

Although I am still dealing with the realities of labor and birth, when I think about my baby, it's almost like an afterthought.

The little person I have waited for my entire life is almost here, and I am as ready as I will ever be.

Read more...

hiatus

I'm taking a break for awhile.

I'm not sure when I'll be back. I know that I'm not finished here, and that I do love having this blog as a creative outlet, but right now, I just can't muster up the energy or enthusiasm to keep it going regularly.
If that means that my chances at gaining 100 followers has been shot down, well, so be it.

There are bigger fish to fry than how many people are google following, or what kind of fashion trends are just coming up, or all of the clothes there are to buy and how on earth to make it through 30 days without buying anything new.

*insert sarcastic tone here*

I'm not shutting it down, or making it private, or anything like that.
Just letting you know that I won't be around regularly again for awhile.
I'll let you know when I make it back.

Read more...

family

My lovely cousin Kati flew into London on Sunday, and we got the chance to spend almost 36 hours with her before she hopped on a bus to Swansea, to visit some old friends from her semester abroad there.

It was beyond amazing to have a family member here in this crazy place with me, and we were a pair, the two of us.

I am (feeling) hugely pregnant, and she was jet-lagged, so poor Hubs had to deal with two loud, tired Americans wandering London.

It was wonderful. 
Here is some photographic proof.

Outside Westminster Abbey, before we went in for the Sunday service, which Kati and Dave both dozed through.

No judgment.

Tower of London, and what the weather has looked like ever since I got here.

This Starbucks is so sentimental, cause it's one of the first places Hubs took me the first time I came to England to visit him.

I dragged the two of them around until we found it, and then I made them take pictures of me in front of it.
Someday I'll be that skinny again.

We went to Kings Cross in search of Platform 9 3/4, and we found this...A plastic picture of a brick wall while they do construction on the rest of the station.

Boo.

Love.

They're so cute.

We had such a good time, and it was so nice to be with someone who knows who I am, and who's been with me since...I was born, really.

Relaxing, and freeing, and a much-needed break from daily life.

Not to mention that she brought packets of ranch dressing, enchilada sauce, and the cutest baby items I have ever seen.

Love you, K!

Read more...

contentment.

My days are spent remembering this:

While living in this:

Maybe the weather's starting to get to me, and I'm starting to get my S.A.D on, maybe it's a combination of pregnancy hormones and homesickness, but whatever it is, I am lacking contentment in a big way.
My self-centered, selfish human nature is whispering in my ear that I deserve more than this.

A trip to a sunny island shouldn't be so out of the question.

Getting a manicure, or a hair cut, or a massage shouldn't be such a big issue.

Going out for a nice dinner shouldn't be "not an option".

And even though I know it's not true, I've got the devil on my shoulder doing his best to make sure that I feel like I'm lacking just enough to make me want to turn and run.
If you know me, you know that I struggle with making comparisons, and looking at what other people have and finding what I don't.
It's a thorn in the flesh, and a big issue, and something I struggle through daily.
And I'm going to be honest and say that I'm struggling a lot right now.

I hate the weather.

I hate not having a car and being confined to places within walking distance.

I hate going to the grocery store and seeing nothing familiar and trying to figure out why it's called bicarbonate soda and not baking soda.

I miss being surrounded by people that know me, and know who I am, and are comfortable with that so that I don't have to modify my behavior to be accepted.

I'm tired of introducing myself and feeling like an outsider as soon as I open my mouth.

There is this, and there is so much more, but I won't go on, to spare myself some dignity.
I don't have a "happy ending" note for this, other than I am at the end of my rope, and trusting that God will take it from there.

Prayers, encouragement, and hamburgers are appreciated.

-C

Read more...

to my love

Tomorrow is the fifth anniversary of our first date.

I love you so much more now than I did then, even though, at the time, I thought that my heart could never feel more full.

In honor of you, and the incredible way you came into my life and turned it upside down, here are some pictures to help you remember (cause I know you try, but details aren't your strong point).

I love you, and I cannot wait to watch you become a daddy and teach our son how to love a woman the way you love me.

I am so proud of you, and of the fact that I get to be called your wife.

 -----------------

Valentine's Day 2007

 We had only been interested in each other for a few weeks, and you told me that you didn't want our first date to be on Valentine's day, because it was too much pressure. I thought that was smart, and wasn't expecting anything from you that day...

When I woke up, you called me and met me in the lobby of my dorm, holding a bag of your favorite European chocolates ('cause American chocolate does not hold up to your standards) and a pot of mini roses, so that they wouldn't die like a big bouquet.

We said we'd meet up later, and I went back upstairs to do some homework...

Then you called me a few hours later and said you'd changed your mind.

So, did I want to go to dinner at five or eight?

This was our first picture together, and I was so nervous getting ready. All of the other dates I had been on up until now had just been awful, and I was so afraid that this one would follow suit.

In fact, I almost called to cancel on you, but my roommate did my hair, let me borrow her camera, and told me to have fun, but to NOT kiss you. : )

You somehow discovered that Italian food was one of my favorites and took me to such a cute restaurant by school. You made me try veal, and I ordered ravioli and couldn't believe that I was so happy and having so much fun on an official date.

After dinner was over, we walked to the Starbucks under the El tracks, which was deserted that night. We sat in a table in the corner, and when a slow John Lennon song came on, you asked me to dance.

I said yes.

You took me back early, because you said you didn't want anything to ruin the best night we'd had...but you called me an hour later, just so that we could talk about the best night we'd had.

You were the first man to ever pursue me and treat me like I was special.

I couldn't believe you had picked me.

-------------------

 Valentine's Day 2008

This was our first Valentine's day after we had gotten engaged, and you surprised me by showing up at my work with a dozen roses and a box of your favorite chocolates.

You also had something special, that I knew you had been working on for ages, but I just couldn't figure out what it was...

I opened up a card from you, and inside were two "pretend" tickets that you had made.

We were going to Barcelona!

Your sister was getting married over spring break, and you and I were both flying back to England for the wedding. But you'd booked a day trip to Barcelona for us, in an effort to culturally educate your wife-to-be, and I could not believe it.

Tickets to Barcelona definitely eclipsed the night that I had planned for us.

All the girls at work were so jealous, and I couldn't believe that I had your ring on my finger, and that we were going to get married in just three months.

-----------------

Valentine's Day 2009

 

Our first Valentine's day after we got married, and I didn't know what to expect.

I woke up to the cat throwing up that morning, and stumbled into the kitchen to find a bouquet of roses, along with a red mug from Starbucks complete with a bag of coffee and mocha mix. You were so upset that I found out that way, because you had wanted it to be a surprise, but I just laughed and told you that it was special anyway (despite the fact that we had to bathe the cat at seven in the morning before you left for work).

You kissed me goodbye and told me to go back to sleep.

When I woke up, I found a letter on your pillow.

Inside, you talked about how no one ever said "I love you" to God in the Old Testament, but rather they showed it by their actions.

You said that it was so important to make sure that we showed our love for one another, and that was why I needed to pack an overnight bag and meet you downtown.

You'd booked a room for us at the Hilton on Michigan Avenue, and you took me to a blues bar before dinner because you know just how much I love that (and how much it reminds me of home).

Then you took me to a trendy new restaurant that wasn't that great, but we were both so happy that it didn't matter. This year, you bought me a chocolate bar that had creme brulee pieces inside, because that was our favorite dessert together and we spent the night watching movies in that giant king size bed. 

I honestly thought that being married to you couldn't get any better than those moments.

-------------------

Valentine's Day 2010

 I woke up to the coffee grinder and the smell of waffles...but I figured I was dreaming, so I went back to sleep. An hour later, you woke me up with a kitty on a tray, followed by a gluten-free waffle covered in whipped cream and raspberries (my favorite way to eat them).

You'd woken up early, and gone to the store in the snow to get everything you needed to make me breakfast in bed, even though you had no idea how to make waffles.

You even bought me red juice, and gave me pink and red carnations, along with a "Te amo" balloon (they ran out of the "I Love You ones at the store).

Kitty licked the whipped cream off my waffle and we laughed, while I sat in bed and couldn't understand how I had found someone who would do something like wake up early and cook for me, when you had hardly done anything like it before.

It was so small, but so big, and we were so happy that it almost hurt.

Every year, I think it can't be better than the year before, but I'm always wrong.

Every day with you is an adventure, and even though you can make me so mad, you can make me happier than anyone else.

 

I love the way that we laugh at the smallest, most stupid things.

I love the way that I can tell you any thought in my crazy head, and you just smile knowingly like, "My crazy wife".

I love the way that you talk to my belly, and how your son knows your voice and responds to it.

I love the fact that you brought me to a scary new country, and haven't left my side once. You take care of me better than I could have imagined, and I am so honored to be yours.

I love you, babe.

Read more...

just give me a moment.

I'm listening to an amazing music mix that is bringing back nostalgia in the extreme.
I'm thinking about coffee shops in the city, amazing evenings with my husband, cupcakes with friends, and the life I left behind.

I've been doing so well lately, truly living where I am at, that this is kind of taking me by surprise.

But I think this is how moving on happens.

Piece by piece, your heart spits it back out at you while the hole slowly closes and you begin to lose the pain you felt when you looked back before.

"You can't just turn your heart off like a faucet; you have to go to the source and dry it out, drop by drop." 

-Sarah Dessen (Someone Like You) 

Moments

 LaSalle st.

ca. 2007

 Oak Street Beach

ca. 2007

 My favorite barista

ca. 2008

 Dollop 

ca. 2008

 Life

ca. 2008

 The Coffee Studio

ca. 2009

 The last days

ca. 2010

 Whispers

ca. 2010

 Our kind of town

ca. 2010

Read more...

son.

It's a boy.

That tiny little "it" I've been carrying around for the past twenty weeks has always been a boy.

My boy.
My son.

I cannot even begin to describe what it is like to type those words, let alone see them and know that I wrote them.

I'm going to be honest and say that I was kind of disappointed when the ultrasound tech said that he was "300% sure" that our baby is a boy.
I've been walking around with visions of ballet, and lace, and sequins for the past few months and to have that replaced with dirt, and frogs, and mayhem was an...adjustment.

However.
That boy in there is still that baby that I have been falling in love with, that I have been feeling kick and wiggle in my belly, and he is still mine.

I'm scared for this, yes.
I feel like I've got a handle on girls, I know what to do...but when it comes to boys, I feel slightly lost.

But he's my boy.

My son.

And I'm his mom.

And that's it.
That's all there is.

Read more...

two days

I am failing miserably at this whole 365 photo thing.
It's pretty pitiful.
I keep my camera out in the hopes that I'll remember to just take a picture for the day, but then I forget, or am too tired, or can't think of anything to photograph and I go to sleep and the next day comes and I'm missing another day.

Remember how I wasn't making resolutions so that I couldn't fail?

Well, I still feel like I'm failing.

Apparently, God works on our issues even in the small things--like reminders that perfection is never attainable, and the important thing is to just keep going, even when you've already missed the mark.

As cliche as it sounds, the learning is in the journey, not the arrival.
Move to another country, and this phrase will become infinitely more understandable and complex, all at once.

So, enough soppy for one day. Have some pictures.

Jan. 25, 2011

Erica and Inga posing in front of Erica's art show display.

Love it.

Jan. 29, 2011

A shot out the window of the Divinity School at the Bodleian Library in Oxford.

I'm kind of in love with this shot, but I'm not sure that I can tell you why...maybe because it was just unexpected.

---------------------------------------

That's all I've got for now.

I'm tired and have been wrestling through a lot of things having to do with creativity and my purpose lately.

I'm sure that I'll dump it all out here after I've had a chance to process it, but for now I'm just trying to deal with the fact that I feel sort of stopped up...Words aren't enough right now, and the photos I'm taking just aren't translating the way I hoped.

Essentially, I feel like I'm in this creatively frustrated funk, but instead of moaning about it and passively waiting for it to pass, I'm trying to take the road where I wrestle with it all and break through this wall that seems to have been erected without my knowledge around my brain.

So, the inspiration has slowed to a trickle, but I'm doing my best to siphon that trickle into these words and these photographs in the hopes that eventually it could turn into a steady stream, and one day, a big flood of creativity that will just last me forever.

Ha.

A girl can dream.

For now, we are working on settling in and finding our people.

And this is me, just putting my head down and bracing my way through it.

Read more...

finally.

My apologies for the quiet around here.
I've been checking nearly every day to see if my iPhoto would sync up to blogger, and it just decided to upload my photos today.
I know that these aren't all the pictures for the days I've missed, but it's at least a couple.
Plus, I have some great shots from our trip to Leeds Castle, but that'll have to be another post, cause I am a woman drowning in work and definitely cannot sit on my blog all day (as much as I would like to).

 

Jan. 18, 2011.

I was definitely scraping for something to take pictures of, and then the pineapple we had just been given caught my eye.

Jan. 19, 2011

Again, looking for inspiration in the usual places.

These are in my kitchen--tea jars!

Jan. 20, 2011

We had friends over for dinner, and I liked the way the table looked, all set up for everyone.

Not great, but it's a picture.

Jan. 21, 2011

Probably one of my favorite photographs that I have ever taken.

I am utterly in love with it.

In the library at Leeds Castle.

Jan. 23, 2011

I missed a day.

We all knew it would happen.

This was taken outside of our church, All Saints Loose.

I promise to write a more elaborate post in the near future, just as soon as I find my way out of all the work I am currently buried under.

On a completely unrelated note, my baby has decided to nestle up on my right side, and my little belly's all lopsided.

I fall in love with this baby more and more every single day.

Read more...

technicalities

For some reason, blogger won't sync with my iPhoto and realize that I have taken new pictures and written new blog posts to be put up.

Ugh.

In other news, my child kicked so hard the other day that I was able to see it, as well as feel it a little later on. I'm beginning to think that this baby already has a very strong will and a very unique personality. Nothing like it's mother, of course.

We find out what we're having in about a week and a half and I. cannot. wait.
Hubs and I have a debate going as to whether or not it's a boy or a girl.
He's convinced it's a boy, and I was leaning that way too, until I started to feel it moving. For some reason, ever since that happened I've just gotten it into my head that it is actually a she.
So who knows?

I've been trying my best to take pictures every day and definitely not succeeding, but I'm at least taking some.
We're taking an expedition today and I am definitely bringing my camera, so maybe I'll have something to show for it (if Blogger ever decides to cooperate with my computer again).

So, all of this to say that I am still here, and really am trying to get this going faithfully, but technology has not been on my side.
Boo.

Read more...

365

So.
After a ridiculously long absence, Hubs and I have moved into our new flat, secured a "dongle" (ridiculous term, I know) so that we can get an internet connection while we're waiting for the real internet guy to come and set it all up for us, and are finally, finally settling into life here.
So, hopefully that means all of my promises about blogging more will actually begin to come into fruition.
Hopefully.

In an effort to spur myself along, I've decided to take up a new challenge.
In fact, it's probably the only thing that comes close to a "new year's resolution", cause I'm doing the trendy thing and just not making any this year.
(Cami-1, Failure-0)

Anyway, I've been reading about other bloggers/photographers participating in something called 365 photo and have decided to do it myself. It basically involves taking at least one photograph a day for a year, and I think it's the perfect thing for me.

I've been really wanting to focus more on developing my (very amateur) photography skills, and I feel like this will push me where I want to go, as well as help me get a better grip on my particular style. Not to mention that it will simply force me to take more pictures.

So, the goal is to put a picture up every day, whether I write something or not.
That'll (hopefully) get me blogging more as well.

Without further ado, day one:

I'm really excited about this chance to push myself outside of my comfort zone and see what comes out of the camera.
Please feel free to leave (constructive) criticism and other thoughts. I'd love to know how the twelve of you feel, and whether or not anyone else is taking on a challenge like this as well.

Also, just a sidenote, these pictures are lightly, if at all processed, due to the fact that I've only got iPhoto and a child on the way, so buying an Adobe suite is kind of out of the question for us. : )

Read more...

job.

This year, I decided to switch things up, and am currently reading through the Bible in chronological order.
This means that I'm getting to read events as they happened, rather than jumping back and forth between stories by going straight through the Bible. So, the first three days consisted of reading Genesis 1-11 (which covers Creation, the Fall of man, Noah and the Flood, and the Tower of Babel, and subsequent scattering of people around the earth). Today I started reading Job, who's story actually takes place before the birth of Abraham.

Although I've gone through it before, and I can tell you the basics, for some reason it hit me harder today. Here is a man, who, for all intents and purposes, is living his life in the most holy manner he knows. He is described as "blameless and upright", as well as the fact that he "feared God and shunned evil". He loved his children dearly, so much so that he would ensure that they went through the purification rites after they had a wild weekend with their friends, and he made burnt offerings for each of them (he had ten) just to make sure that they were pure before the Lord.

This is a man who clearly takes God's commandments seriously and desires to follow after Him with his whole heart.

And yet...

And yet. Satan comes to God after wandering around the world, and for some inexplicable reason, God draws his attention to Job. "Look at this guy," God says. "Look at how much he loves me and fears me. In fact, he obeys me so well, that there is no one else on earth who can even compare." That should give you some idea of just how much Job followed the Lord--when Satan came to God, Job is the one who was noticed, and Job is the one whom God said had no equal in his worship of the Lord.

Satan (which interestingly enough means the accuser, according to my footnotes) then taunts God, and Job, by saying that the only reason the human is doing so well is because God has protected him and blessed him.  Satan counters that if God struck Job, the human would turn around and curse him--that his holiness was only based on God's blessing.

God takes up the challenge, and has faith enough in Job to tell Satan to go ahead and give it his best shot.
So Satan does.

All of Job's wealth is stolen and destroyed.
All ten of his children are killed at once.
A mass amount of his servants die.
And still, Job's response is sinless.
"At this, Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground in worship..."
Despite it all, Job worships the Lord.

So Satan comes back to God, and once again, God points out Job's holiness.
"...And he still maintains his integrity, though you incited me against him to ruin him without any reason."
God freely admits that He was against Job, and allowed Job to be messed with. And He goes even further, after Satan says that Job will not worship God once harm is done to his physical person.
God allows Satan to harm Job physically, and to put him in as much misery as Satan wants, as long as he spares his life.

And this is what kills me.

Reading through this, Job simply sounds like a pawn in a game. The next image we get of the man is the most pitiful, heartbreaking thing you can imagine:

"So Satan went out from the presence of the Lord and afflicted Job with painful sores from the soles of his feet to the top of his head. Then Job took a piece of pottery and scraped himself with it as he sat among the ashes."

His friends come to see him, and they weep once they get a good look at him.
Here is a man who once had it all, and is now reduced to sitting in the dirt, cutting himself with broken pottery in an attempt to stem the physical pain he is feeling.

Why?

Why would God allow the most holy man in existence at that time to be reduced to this pitiful pile of festering flesh and bone?

The answer infuriates my very sinful human nature.

Because this life, and this world, is not about us.

God would make an example of one man, simply to show that His glory is more important than anything else.

Worshiping the Lord, who gave us life, is worth our lives.

And if He so chooses, God can do what He will with us in order to show that He is holy, and give an example of who He is.

That's part of the deal. 

It comes with being human.

Job's answer is the epitome of a man who realizes what life is truly about:

"Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?"

Too often we get caught up in how we feel, and how we're doing, and if we're being taken care of.

And although God blesses so many of us extraordinarily, and provides for us when we need it, and gives us what we ask for, that does not mean that He is obligated to.

We are His creation, not the other way around.

We belong to Him, and He can do with us what He will.

This is hard to accept, and there is something inside all of us that fights against it.

But it comes with the territory.

God owes me far more than I have been given, and has taken away so much that I deserve.

I am a disgraceful sinner, full of evil intent and wicked purpose.

And yet...

 

And yet. I have been given grace, and a hundredth chance, and blessings beyond what I can imagine.

God does not give us what we deserve.

He gives us everything we do not.

For that I will say:

 "The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away;

may the name of the Lord be praised."

Amen.

*All scripture references belong to Job 1-3

Read more...

smattering.

Okay, okay.

I know, it's been a week. 

However, Christmas was hectic, and my resolution to start blogging more doesn't kick off until AFTER the new year, so technically I still have another 48 hours of slacking to do.

This is just going to be a rambling photo post, so I hope you all enjoy.

Serious stuff to come later, I promise.

(If there is one thing I can be counted on for, it's bringing some serious thoughts into your life.)
-------------------------------

 Christmas morning with the most gorgeous flowers from my family, coffee, and my Bible.

 Maternity clothes from Grandma! 

They are sooo comfortable.

I think I will be wearing them for the next five months.

 Aaaand, of course, no post is complete without a belly shot.

This is fourteen weeks.

I swear my stomach has exploded ever since this was taken. I feel like a whale.

 Christmas socks.

 My gift from my sister-in-law and her husband.

They're trying to help me out.

 There is no better gift for a pregnant lady than chocolate.

Except for maybe a massage.

 Very traditional English Christmas meal, complete with Christmas Crackers.
(Chicken, Roast potatoes, Brussel Sprouts/Carrots/Mushrooms, Pigs-in-a-blanket, Stuffing, Gravy, and Bread Sauce)

 Mum and Dad

Jessica and Nelson

 Uncle Greg and Aunty Fely 

(Nelson's parents)

And, us!

(Which one of us is not like the others...?)

-----------------------------------

This lovely couple celebrated their third anniversary, and were nice enough to let Hubs and I tag along for some real Mexican food.

Happy Anniversary, Zac and Erica!

It even looks like the ones you get in Mexico!

Best tortilla soup I have ever eaten, hands down.

Margaritas (for the men, of course, seeing as how Erica and I are both with child) and Zac's flautas.

Pork tacos.

Oh man, I'm getting hungry again just looking at this.

Strawberry cheesecake.

Happy us, with full stomachs.

----------------------------

There it is.

The past week or so that I've missed.

Like I said, blogging more is on my priority list, I just seem to find myself without a good chunk of time to sit down and put it all together.

However, I promise to make it happen more often. Promise.

Read more...