the beginning

And...here we are.

Christmas break in Utah is over, I have graduated from college, and am working on getting settled in to "real life".

I'm sitting in Starbucks and thinking about how completely surreal this moment is. It's 3:24 pm on a Thursday afternoon and I have no pressing engagements anywhere. No homework to worry about or papers to desperately scribble out. I've been to the gym today, made my bed this morning, and cuddled with my cat.
There is no rush.

It's weird, because I almost feel a void where the rush was. Like I'm leaning forward on my tiptoes to overcompensate for the huge gust of stress that I am sure must be coming. Almost like I'm looking for something to worry about so that I'll have a "purpose" in my daily life.

I'm beginning to realize that I have forgotten how to live.

There is nothing wrong with goals, and work, and college degrees. However, they tend to suck away at you, and make you forget the purpose behind everything you're doing. Suddenly the work becomes the purpose, and you put your whole self into that.
But then the work finishes up, and you are left looking for something to do, so that your life can feel useful again.

I'm trying to remind myself that the reason I worked so hard was to get to this spot in time, this moment where I can sit and be free of nagging obligations or stresses. But (there's always a but, isn't there?) it's difficult. I seem to be realizing that I have always measured myself according to the tasks I was completing, the jobs I was getting done.

To be honest, I think I am afraid of this looming emptyness.
I am afraid of being looked over and left behind.

I don't want to be the one waiting while everyone else gets on with their life.
But really, what does getting on with life even look like?

So, in the wake of the New Year, here are my goals (or ambitions. Maybe that's a better word) for keeping myself focused on right now.

Be the best wife to my husband that I possibly can.
That is who God has called me to serve, and I want to do it with the best of my ability.

Focus on getting my body healthy, and watch the kind of food I am putting into it.
I want to spend as many years of my life with said husband as possible.

Re-discover my relationship with the Lord and the passion I have to serve Him.
For so long the world has gotten in the way, but I am making a statement for the public to read, that God needs to be my number one priority again. Finding a purpose isn't going to come without that.

So, here we go, 2010!

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complete.

Well...

I did it!!!

I am, officially, a Moody Bible Institute Graduate.
Thank you, sweet Lord Jesus.















And the best part about it all?

My parents flew in and surprised me.

I was totally and completely clueless.
It was the most special thing that anyone has ever done. (Well, besides the part where my amazing husband fell in love with me and asked me to marry him in Paris. But this is a close second. : )

We made it!!!

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i'm here...somewhere

I'm still alive (barely) and scraping through (barely).

Graduation is on Saturday, and I'm sure I'll have more to say afterwards.
But until then, this little notice of my existence will have to suffice.

I am ALMOST DONE.

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quit.

I am so, so tired today.
It's a worn out kind of tired, not a lack-of-sleep tired.
I'm just losing motivation.

School is over in three and a half weeks. I have a monumental amount to accomplish before I get there, and as deadlines are looming, my inspiration is drying up. I have had writer's block for four weeks already.
This is terrifying.

Relationships are wearing thin, and I'm just waiting for the rubber band to snap and break. Things are coming to a close on so many levels and winter is on it's way and I cannot help but stand here and think about how gray everything looks.
It's so easy to think about the future and ignore where you're actually standing.

The end is so close that I can taste it, but it's not here yet and I'm having a hard time with that.

I'm actually going to finish something this time, but I still have to finish it.

DUH.

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build-up

I'm in some sort of creative funk.
I sit down to write and I've got nothing. Literally no words.

This scares me in some ways, considering that I am a month and a half away from graduating from college with the title of "Writer" slapped across my forehead in an answer to post-grad plans.

Umm...what happens when a writer can't write?

I'm hoping that all of this is simply due to being overwhelmed and stressed out by recent and recurring events in my life right now. I guess my goal is to get through to the end, and then pick up words in a few months.

In other news, the sun is shining and I have my beautiful camera with me today. Maybe I'll take some blog-worthy shots.

; )

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breathe without you

I want my kitty.

I want to take beautiful pictures and become famous and run away.

I want to write my heart out, and know that someone else thought it was worth their time.

I want to be destroyingly complex, and disturbingly simple.

I want to breakout of here, out of this funk and move into the sunshine.

I want to not want anymore, but to be still and sit where I am.

I am not alive, I am not afraid, I am not alone.

I am waiting, and wishing, and I know that You can see me.

This is not a clean break. And now I'm raggedy on the inside.

--Love you and miss you baby. Play with your sister, and I'll see you there someday soon.

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the cats are fighting and there's tension in the air this morning.
Maybe it's the rain.

I don't know what to do with myself.
I'm supposed to write and dream up creative things.
I'm supposed to vacuum the floors and neaten the house.

Instead I am
distracted
confused
hurt
upset
procrastinating
cold
tired
and
trying to be content in this.

In Philippians, Paul talks about having joy in the midst of everything else. And I guess he would know, considering he was in jail while he wrote all of that.
I just wonder, how is it that he is able to have joy in prison, while I am struggling to find true contentment in a solid house with four walls and a roof?
I know Paul was a spiritual giant and all that, but is it really so unlikely for someone in today's society to find the same joy that he had? I feel like that is selling ourselves short, claiming that since Paul wrote Scripture, he obviously had "ins" to God that we don't get today.

We know the same God. He hasn't changed any since then.

"For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe on him, but also to suffer for him..."
-Philippians 1:29

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in Your name i find meaning

I'm holding on...

barely holding on to You.

The longer I live, the more mistakes I make.
I get dirtier while growing, and mold/punch/stretch myself into contortions that I would rather not feel. I wonder if the desire for perfection will ever leave.
I wonder about those people who tell us that God is the one that puts that desire for perfection in us. Would God tell us to pursue such a fruitless course of living?
Or would He simply be content with us running to Him, so that He can take control of the situation?

I have pursued perfection.

I have dug my fingers into the rocks until they are bleeding, digging for a way out of the messes that I put myself in.

I have striven for beauty.

I have cried myself to sleep at night in mourning of the failures that I experienced that day.

I have run, and run, and run for sanity.

I have been on anti-depressants in order to wake myself up in the morning and function throughout the day.

And at the end of it all, I have collapsed at His feet--and imperfect, messy girl who just needs someone to tell her she is worthwhile.
I am tired of the pursuit, the striving, the running.
I just want to rest for awhile. I just want to be with Him for awhile.

And oddly enough, I fail at this too.

Dear Jesus,
Please help make me into who You want.
Amen.

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accomplishments

This weekend I...

baked bagels.
made my first homemade soup.
made non-chemical cleaner.
cleaned a little.
wrote some papers.
read books (for school and NOT for school).
ran a 5k and cut six minutes off of last year's time.
grew a lot with my husband.
babysat and talked with a 12 year old about the Lord.
slept in.
drank a lot of coffee.
and smiled.

I got to be a wife this weekend. I got to bake things, and make my house smell good. I listened to a sermon with my husband and worked on our marriage.
I accomplished things, and it felt fantastic.

I also realized that I have 12 weeks of school left.
These are my last 12 weeks for a long, long time.

So close, so close, so close.

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ready

It's time to leave, and move on.
Time to start real life for real and be a big-grown-up-girl.
I'm ready for it all.

I want to be able to focus on my husband, and making my home mine, and doing stuff that I love, instead of doing things that I have to.
I want to have neighbors, and people over for dinner, and good friends that won't move away after they've obtained their degrees.
I want people who will be accountable and hold me accountable, that I can grow with and help them grow.
I want to have a garden, and bake lots of things, and paint the walls of my house.

I want to live my life on my terms.

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Remember

when I brought you soup and juice and ice cream when you were so very ill?

when I ran to find you and stayed with you the day your boyfriend dumped you?

when we complained about everything, but reminded ourselves that it didn't matter, because we had each other?

when our biggest priority in life was finding God and ignoring everything else?

I'm not quite sure who you are now.
And I don't know where you're going
or why.

I miss you.
But I won't keep chasing after you.
Friendship goes both ways.

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my feet are wet and my hair's a mess.

I'm tired and messy this morning.
I absolutely hate this feeling.

It gets in your way and makes you feel inadequate and unworthy.
I would just like to run home, crawl back into bed, and sleep next to my husband for a long time.

I do not want to babysit today.
I don't want to go to class, or go running, or deal with the rain.

I do not want to be a grown-up today.

God, how do I do this?
How do I tackle the miserableness of days like today and keep going, while looking good at the same time?
How do I change this nagging attitude resonating through my brain, and come out with something truly genuine?

I'm so tired of being confronted by my human inadequacy every day.
Maybe this means I have pride issues.
Or maybe God's just trying to knock it into my head that this life cannot be done alone.

[insert long sigh here]

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success.

I lost 10 pounds over the summer.

That is equivalent to both of my cats, plus a little extra.

I am so proud of myself. I figured that maybe other people could be proud of me too.

Anyway...that is all. : )

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If only...

Can you imagine?
Just picture Chicago with even half the cars and twice as many bikes.
People would be nicer, the air would be cleaner, and we'd all get exercise.

Oh, the dream.

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come on

I'm finding You in between the lines.
I'm finding You, open up my eyes.
Give me time.
Because Your love is so alive.

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thank you

to everyone that did not make fun of me for grieving over a cat.
to everyone that said, "I'm so sorry. Hang in there".
to everyone that smiled sympathy at me.

You are so appreciated.

Today, instead of focusing on all of the things in my life that I could complain about, I am going to focus on the blue sky I saw this morning on my bike, and the sailboat in Lake Michigan, and the silhouetted skyline of Chicago.

I'm going to remember the wonderful women I got to spend some time with last night, and the perfect-fit husband that I came home to.

I'm going to be so thankful that my knee has healed up enough to pedal a bike, and that I somehow managed to get a hair appointment for tonight.

I'm going to smile because school starts in two weeks, and this is my very last semester of college. I'm going to have a Bachelor's Degree by Christmas.

So God....

Thanks.

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weight.

Grief is such a weird thing.
It's heavy, like a weight.
You carry it around with you, and sometimes there are moments that you can forget about it, but it always comes rushing back down on you afterwards.
It sucker-punches you in the gut, and takes away your air.

Now, please let me say that I understand that all of this is not the biggest tragedy going on right now.
And really, I am moving on, and going to work, and all of that.
This isn't the kind of hurt that makes me unable to crawl out of bed in the mornings or put on clothes.

It's just...I miss her. A lot.

I keep trying to go look for her.
I'll hear a noise in the kitchen and wonder what she's crawled onto this time.
I'll open the front door as little as possible so she can't run out.

But she's not here anymore.

My lovely husband bought me a dozen red roses and had them waiting for me, along with a letter, when I got home from Utah.
I smiled, and then I cried in her kitty bed.

Sometimes I roll my eyes at myself, being so emotional over a cat.
And then other times I just keep swallowing, so that the lump in my throat doesn't crawl out and become tears.

It's gonna be okay.
We're okay.
This is not the end of the world, or even the end of the day.
Sometimes, I just want to hold her.
And I can't.

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ache.

I miss you already, Ava baby.
See you in heaven, okay?
Love you...
Mommy

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my adventure

This is my life.
This is my adventure.
Thank goodness.

Photos by Rich Legg

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okay then.

Oh, unending stream of criticism in my head.

Will you ever run out of words?

Why is it so hard to believe that I am who You say I am?
Put together just the way you wanted.
Poured out into the body you designed.
Crafted into this person...that confounds me daily.

I enjoy chocolate cookies
and pizza
and cheese/crackers/salami
and all things "unhealthy".
I'm a walking klutz, unless I'm on ice.
Then I feel like a ballerina.
I spill, I trip, I snort, I sob.

I am a landmine of emotions.

Get out, get out, get out.

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here it is...there it was

It's like inadequacy.

Wondering, "Really? Why not me? We seem the same."
But actually, they kept all the good parts that you let go to waste.

I don't want them to go to waste anymore.

God, can you take me back to a beach in Mexico where you were more powerful than the wind and the waves, and all I could feel were your hands on my shoulders?

I'm so overwhelmed with this.
I'm so overwhelmed when I remember everything else, and everything now.

Your life comes with commitments.
You go from thinking, "I wonder what my life will be,"
to
"This is what my life is. I just defined it."

Did I do the right things?
Did I make the right decisions?
Is this how I was supposed to turn out?

I've forgotten the solid peace I had when my life was wide open and there were no doors to hide behind.

Dear Jesus,
Make me better.
Amen.

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too much.

*update--
My husband is amazingly wonderful and is taking me on a staycation to Evanston. We are staying in a cute little bed and breakfast just off the purple line. We leave on Thursday afternoon and come home on Saturday afternoon.
Praise the good Lord Almighty.

Secondly, I had an interesting observation while biking home this evening. My thighs were literally cramping up about halfway home, but I just tried to ignore it and keep going.
However, had I been on a stationary bike at the gym, or a treadmill, I would have just gotten off.
But I wanted to come home, and biking was my only option, so I stayed on.
Now my thighs are looking nicely mannish with muscle and I am in desperate need of some good stretching.

Bug Count:
Mouth-4
Nose-1
Eye-1
Head/Arms/Hair-too numerous to count

Seriously. Does anyone have any suggestions about this? I had to stop and get a drink to wash them all down. Nasty.
_____________________________________________________________

There's just been too much lately.
Really, I probably could have written 20 posts in the past week, but I just couldn't.

I couldn't do a lot of things.

I have got to snap out of this.

On the biking front: It's an interesting thing. I enjoy the exercise and the fresh air. I hate the cars and their mean drivers. So on one hand I am getting out, getting air, calming down. On the other, I am winding back up when I have to yell at people that drive an inch away from me and force me to the side of the road.
I saw fireflies the other day. It was a little bit of magic for a moment.
Until one went down my throat.
Then it was not so magical.

On the everything else front: I could spend my days sitting on the beach and eating frozen yogurt.
Is it wrong that I feel entitled to some sort of break?
I've written repeatedly about how I've felt like I went non-stop for this past year and I know that there's a crash coming somewhere.
Or maybe it's just little crashes.
I think I've been having some of those lately.

I don't know. Our society pushes us to keep going, keep working, make money, don't quit.
Yet, God clearly talks about us needing rest.
Where's the balance?
How much rest is enough, and when do you cross the line into laziness?

It's been hard to move lately, and I don't like it.

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contradiction

I want to leave this place.
paris, barcelona, rome, london.
I'll take any of them.
I want anywhere but here.
And I want to take everything with me.

I want home and I don't know where it is.

I want to settle in, and I don't want to stay anywhere for too long.

I am a walking contradiction and I just need a place to lie down.

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turtle aquariums with a side of gay pride (or, how I tried to outrun a bus on my first bike ride)

Whew.
It's been a day. Or two.

Here's how it started: On Sunday, Husband and I decided that we finally needed to commit to these turtles (his dad bought us two turtles in Chinatown when they came. We did not realize the amount of work they were going to be when he did so. It was a nice thought), so I looked up Petsmart and we figured out that all we needed to do was take a bus straight down and it would drop us off right in front of it. Then we could take that bus back and not have to worry about carrying a giant aquarium back by ourselves.

However, we forgot one small issue.

It happened to be Gay Pride here in Chi-town this week, and our bus was driving right on the soon-to-be parade route.
Thus, we had to get off the bus and wade our way through a million people to try and find a pet store so that we could buy our turtle tank.
Also, these million people were very drunk, very almost naked, and very into getting a rise out of people that (clearly) had no idea what they were doing there (this would be Husband and I).

Now, let me stop for a moment and tell you this: I love gay people, straight people, bi-people, and transgendered people. I might not agree with what they're doing, but I don't agree with people that cheat on their spouses either. Point being this: I would rather show someone I don't know that I love them, then judge them and close them off to Christ forever.

However, I'm not exactly at ease in a crowd full of people that are intent on getting wasted and seeing how far across the "inappropriate" line they can cross without getting in trouble.
Especially not when I see four and five-year-olds standing there with their parents watching all of this.
Plus, being in crowds like that makes me nervous after awhile.

All of this to say, that halfway through our trek into gay-pride, I was starting to get really nervous and crabby. I got to my breaking point when I saw a float full of people doing extremely inappropriate things driving by and the crowd cheering them on. I really thought I was going to completey freak out.

And then.

And then, the night ministry bus came driving down the parade route after them and I remembered that this is exactly where Christ would be. Where we should be.
In the middle of all of this, telling people that we love them no matter what they do, or who they are, or where they come from.
All of a sudden, I couldn't help but love these people and see them for who they were: a group of people that just wanted to fit in somewhere.
They just wanted someone to tell them, "It's alright. I see your struggles and your pain, and I love you anyway."
Isn't that what everyone wants, gay or not?

It's what I want.

It's what Christ gives me.
Somewhere to belong, somewhere to just sit and be me in my messy, failed, broken-down state of being.

And who am I to withhold that from someone?

*sidenote: we got a 20 gallon aquarium, and because we are completely obsessed with our cat, we bought her a little kitty climber thing.
We then had to carry these stupid, heavy items for about two hours because the buses were not running, and all taxis were full.
I think that this was the most idiotic attempt we have ever made at trying to be normal in spite of not having a car.

And the cat hates her climber.
Of course.
__________________________________________________________________

This morning, I decided on a whim to bike the five miles into work even though I have not ridden a bike in years, and I'm not sure I've ever biked five miles (especially next to cars).

I think that it was the terror-induced adrenaline that got me here, because I am now tired.
And I have to do it again to get home.

I made the mistake of trying to outrun a bus at one point, so I could have more room on that narrow road.
Then I almost hit a pothole and fell over while my purse was slapping me in the chest and my pizza pockets were getting stuck in my wheels.

I think that there are indents in the handles now, where my fingers were locked in. In fact, I kind of had to pry them off, one by one when I got to work.

But, by darn, I got my exercise in for the day.
Maybe I'll take the train home.

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death and other odd things

Well, since this is clearly the most obvious thing going on right now, Michael Jackson is dead.
Weird.
I'm listening to his music today in tribute.

Alright, now that I have acknowledged that, let's move on.

I spent time with my husband last night.
Really, what a novel idea!
It was lovely. We went and saw "Transformers" (which is fantastic!) and then we went to Berry Chill afterwards for frozen yogurt. It was delicious and also within my calorie limit for the day.
Yeeeessss.

I can guarantee you that I will be spending a lot of time there this summer.

I've worked out three times this week, and I am planning on exercising after I get off of work today. This means that I will have finally hit my 4x a week cardio assignment, and also my 3x a week strength assignment.
Also, I think I can see the muscle in my legs again. Woah. Thank you, trainer Heidi.

I know this is not super interesting.
That's alright.
Sometimes it's nice to not write anything heavy and remind myself that I do have moments of a normal life.

I really want to go to the beach.

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heat wave

I am not sure that I have ever craved a vacation more than in these past few days.
Maybe it's the heat coming in, that is reminding me that it is summer and the time of year when I am supposed to slow down and enjoy my husband/life.

However, this has been the busiest summer of my life, and I think it's been even more hectic than the school year.
I go from one job to the next (2 total, plus an unpaid internship), all day, until I collapse in the kitchen at home and somehow cook meals.
Sometimes I'll see my husband, like when he crawls into bed at 1am, and when he gets out of it at 7am.

Ugh.

I'm at the point where I would even settle for three nights in a hotel by the airport, simply to feel like I am slightly away from life.
The only problem is that we can't afford to take that time off, plus pay for a hotel.

I'm not trying to complain, honestly.
It's just that I really felt like I spent all of last school year running on half a tank because I never had enough time to stop and refill myself. Now I am afraid that I will have the same thing happen this year, except that I will have been stretched out for even longer because of this insane summer.
I want to do well this upcoming semester, but I know that's not going to happen unless I go into it really ready to start school again. At this rate, I'm just going to be scraping by.

Lord, can you take away the weight of my world please?

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an arrival

Well.
It appears that summer has run in and dropped his silly little self all over Chicago quite suddenly.
There was no creeping in for this guy...he just decided to arrive one day.

And I cannot say that I am complaining.
I mean, other than sweating out more than my body weight and having hair that looks like a microwaved poodle. Besides all that, I'm doing just fine.

As to the rant the other night, well...
All things in moderation.

This is what I have decided.
I will exercise in moderation (I just may need to adjust MY idea of moderation to meet the ACTUAL idea of moderation).
I will eat in moderation (this means a variety of food, and snacks throughout the day).
I will take my life in moderation (as in, one day at a time).

I just don't have any other options. And really, what am I going to do anyway?

On another note, we're starting to look at "Life After Moody".
It's kind of frightening, but way more exciting. I asked God to prepare a place for us, wherever it might be. We have a few different places that we're examining, but I don't want to lock us into anything, so I'll wait to write about where.
Let's just say that it could be exactly what my overworked soul needs for awhile.
And I am deciding to look at that as taking care of myself, rather than copping out on the world.

The end.

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summer change

Do we like it?
I'm still not so sure about the look...

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scars still hurt when you scratch them

Two minutes ago, I was crying on the bathroom rug with these words wandering through my head (I'm now in the bedroom, because we can't get internet in the bathroom. Alas, my movie-like moments are always foiled).
I brought my wedding dress home with me after my recent trip to Utah. Folded it up in it's garment bag and tucked it in the bottom of my suitcase. Clearly, I opened it up and looked at it when I got home, but I put off trying it on because I was afraid.
So tonight, after watching some stupid t.v. show about couples finally deciding to take the plunge, I put it on.

I could barely get it over my hips.

I feel like my whole life is spent fighting the same battles and never winning. I can look back on my life and see that the things that I struggled with then are the things that I still struggle with now.

God, will I never have any victory?

I have spent so much of my life motivating myself to wake up in the mornings and just get. out. of. bed.
I have then spent those days trying to monitor what goes into my mouth, and the amount of exercise I do to burn it off.
It's so exhausting.

I remember being four years old and telling my mother that I thought I was fat. I would look at myself in the mirror and think that there was always something missing.
I grew up into a teenager that was attracted to the world and all it seemed to offer. I took the bait and gave into the lies that it fed me--I should always be happy, I should be 5'7" and weigh 110 pounds, and I should also be able to eat anything I want while lying by a pool, working on my tan.
I was blessed with two sisters who happen to be able to do just that, and not have the same results that I do. One was a gymnast and the other one was just a string bean with knobbly knees.
I have a mind that likes to attribute anything positive about itself to outside influences and suck in the negative things like a dry sponge.
And the horrible part is that I loved that wedding dress, but even when it slid over my hips on that day, I still wasn't happy with the person wearing it.

We've been married for a year (and two weeks) now.
When I pulled out my wedding dress, an odd and unexpected thing happened.
I started looking it over, noticing the dirty hem from dancing all night, and the loose beads from where my new husband put his hands around my waist, and I remembered all of the things that I was unsatisfied with on that day.

As wonderful as my wedding was, there are things that I'm not happy with.

However, as I thought about the past year as a wife, the only things that came to mind were how much more in love I am with my husband now than on that day and all of the times we've laughed together while living our life.

And maybe this is a small victory in itself.

Because if my mind has to pick something to be unsatisfied with, I would rather it be one day than an entire year.
There are things I would do differently now. But marrying that same man is not one of them.

I guess all of this is simply to say that I am now realizing that there are things that I may never overcome in this lifetime.
I may never weigh what I want to.
I may never outsmart the demons in my head.

But at least I will always know that I did one thing that I will never, ever regret.

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people are people, and sometimes it doesn't work out

I'm contemplative today.
Slept in (accidentally), went for an hour-long walk in the park by the beach, ate a good lunch and made it into work by 1:30.
In the shower I just kept saying to myself, "I'm gonna do this. I'm gonna make it. I'm gonna do this."
Apparently my recent trip to Utah has (again) changed my outlook on my ability to make my body what I want it to be. Not that this is a bad thing, just, you know, a change.

I don't think this summer is going to be what I wanted it to be.
Although, I'm not sure that I can say that any summer has been what I wanted it to be.
The very large majority of my closest friends are gone.
The ones that are here, well...it's complicated.
I'm working 20 hours at the office, and babysitting at least that many (if not more).
I need to start my internship next week, which is pretty exciting, but also unpaid. Thus, I will soon have to devote another 20 hours of my week to working without getting anything in return for it.
I'm committed to working out (especially since I know I'm checking back in with the trainer in two months, and I better be in a better state than I am now) which is nicely de-stressing, but also time-consuming.
Also, I think the cat is sick again.
And the weather is not cooperating with my wishes for "sunny, no clouds".

At least my nails look nice.

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isn't it interesting

how you seem to alienate the people that would be the most loyal to you.
how you still seem to think that this world and all the people in it revolve entirely around you and your "dream" life.
how you frustrate the life out of me, but I'm to non-confrontational to simply tell it to your face.
how betrayed I feel by you.
how over all of this drama that I want to be.
how over the word "drama" I want to be.
how my head always aches.
how I can despise you so much, and yet you still make me so insecure about myself.
how much power one measly little person can have over another.

how honestly good and sick writing all of this out makes me feel.

I just need a few more pills.
I am a prescription waiting to happen, with a lit fuse at the bottom and a firecracker on top.
Just let me live my life, and quit pushing your stupid ideals onto the rest of the world.
We don't want to care.

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fading

I'm watching Graduate School slip through my fingers and float away.
I need to cry.

God, why would you get me through all of this just to drop me without my dreams?

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i am angry

Call it a fad.
Call it overrated.
Call it what you will.
It doesn't change the fact that there is an international crisis going on, and most of the world seems content to live in ignorance or denial.

When my children read about this in their history books and ask me, "Mommy, why didn't you help?" I don't want to have to look them in the eyes and say, "I just didn't have time..."
I will make time.

When Hitler began his revolution, and started carting Jews off to work camps, no one stood up. And now, sixty years later, we all scream, "This will never happen again! How could the world be so blind?"
Well, guess what. It is happening again.
A generation of children is fighting a war that they do not understand, do not believe in, and have no business even witnessing.
This is wrong.

I will not sit by anymore.
And just because I cannot get on a plane and physically rescue children, does not mean that I have to stand by and do nothing.

I know that it has been a long fight.
I know that we have all heard of it, got impassioned for it, and then our fire died out.
Rekindle it. Because it is not over. We cannot be a generation that changes the world if we give up when things do not happen immediately.
We have become so accustomed to getting things NOW, that we forget that real change takes time and exhausting effort.
We say we are a generation who is ready to stand up for social justice and fix things that the people before us could not.
But if we are going to do this, we must beat it into the ground, until every single person has come home.
We must continue to have a passion in our hearts, regardless of how long it takes.
Dedicate yourself to something, and see it through.

April 25.
See you there.

The Rescue.
The Game Plan.
The Reason.

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a shocking (and possibly unexpected) revelation...

I have discovered something tonight that may surprise all twelve of you reading this right now. Ready?

I have absolutely no idea what I am doing here. And by here, I mean living in the ghetto of Chicago.

In case you all haven't noticed, I am a white girl. From the burbs. The most diversity I experienced while growing up was the rap station on the radio (which I loved). But just because you enjoy a culture, does not make you a part of that culture, or even fit in to that culture.
I am seeing this more and more the longer I am here.

Being a resident of Chicago is completely different than living in a dorm downtown where the majority of the city shuts down at 8 pm, and whatever is still open is not any place that you should be.
Here, there are drunken arguments outside my bedroom window at 2 am and I can see the flashing blue lights that symbolize a "police protected" area reflecting off the walls.
There are fifty year old prostitutes selling themselves on the same corner that I walk by to get to the train station every morning, and I know the spiel that the homeless man with no legs is going to give me as soon as I see him.
The biggest concern we have for our youth group kids is either gang-banging or worrying which one of our thirteen year old girls is going to get pregnant next, and which drug dealer will be the father this time?
And in the middle of all this, there is me.
There is me, who can do nothing else but cry, "Really God? Is there no one better for this job?"
Who can do nothing else but pray that she gets out of here soon.

And yet...
And yet. There is a sinking feeling inside of me that knows no matter where I go, I will never be able to forget this place, and forget the level of depravity that I have seen, and begun to harden myself to every day.
The first time a homeless person asked me for change, I literally felt my heart breaking as I told him no. I kept glancing back as I walked down the street, praying that God would forgive me for neglecting someone. Now, I barely even glance at them as I say "nope, sorry", and that heart break has turned to a small nudge that is easily quieted.
To be honest, I don't like this place at all.
Twenty minutes ago, someone looked at me and said, "you're a bitch" just for being a white girl walking down the street at 9 pm.
Two minutes later, someone looked at me and said, "how you doing, gorgeous" just for being a white girl walking down the street at 9 pm.
I don't enjoy this.

I dream of a sophisticated little house next to the beach, with a nice little car that I can drive to my wonderfully qualified Graduate School while I learn about how to write fake stories and sell them to people around the world.

Is this all You have made me for?
How can You expect me to do anything else?

Maybe I will never be a martyr in Africa. Maybe I will never be an award-winning author. Maybe I will never own a nice house, or a fancy car, or send my kid to nice schools.
Maybe the greatest sacrifice that I have been called to give is my life, and my dreams for that life.
Maybe I have been called to sacrifice my beach house for an apartment in the ghetto, and my car for a train ride, and my children's fancy schools for a public school where the literacy rate doesn't get higher than a third grade level.
Maybe all of that is a bigger sacrifice than anything else that I could have deemed worthy.
Maybe the one thing that God requires of me is the one thing that I don't want to give.
Who do I love more?

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"Can't Get Away"

I am an arrow, I am a rocket
I am a river and nothing can stop it
Cause You are the target and You are the atmosphere
You are the ocean that keeps pulling me, You're pulling me here

And I, can't get away, can't get away
Can't get away, can't get away
I can't get away, can't get away...I keep running into You

I am a beggar, You are the table
I am so helpless, God You are so able
And when I get turned around You change my direction
You're so perfect, I'm so broken, here You come with arms wide open
Chasing after me down every road
You're always waiting there

And I, can't get away, can't get away
Can't get away, can't get away
I can't get away, can't get away...I keep running into You

Even when I close my eyes, I can't help but see
There's no place that I can hide, You're such a part of me
I can't get away cause I keep running into You
I can't get away...

-Rush of Fools

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it's getting serious now...

oooh, two blog posts in a row.
I must be getting dedicated or something.

It is such a beautiful day outside, and I have a list of chores and homework that needs accomplishing...however, I may just put a hold to those things (because I am so good at doing that) and lay out on the roof of my apartment building.
I think my body needs some natural vitamin D more than anything else lately.
Besides, it's not my fault all the washing machines were taken, right?

These are the days where God reminds me how important it is to sit and soak up a moment at a time.
Instead of straining my eyes to see where I am going to be in a week, a month, a year--I've got to stop and simply be where I am. God knows what I need, when I need it, and if I let Him handle the details, He'll handle them.
I am coming to major crossroads in life, and I really think that God is trying to teach me to slow down and take it a day at a time. Instead of trying to make my decisions now, why don't I just make them when I get there?

I'm sure that all of this is not new to the few of you, but I think I simply needed to lay it out there so that I have it in solid form.
Also, I just wanted to procrastinate on everything else for awhile. : )

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sweatin' for my fitness

I should exercise. Really.
Standing around and checking out my butt in the floor-length mirror is doing nothing for me, except reminding me of how well that cellulite cream that I bought on sale does NOT work.
In fact (I just accidentally typed "in fat"...how symbolic is that?), in a burst of "I will get thin" motivation, I just signed up for the Self 2009 Challenge.
I tried this last year, and made it about half way. However, they've reformatted a lot and it looks much more "user-friendly" than before. You now have the ability to choose your form of exercise and also determine how much you want to lose.
Unfortunately, I have just been jarred into shapely reality by discovering that in order to lose 2 pounds per week, I have to burn 500 calories a day (or 3,500 calories a week) while eating 1,600 calories a day.

aka, starve and work my butt off while doing so.

They also have a handy meal plan, but unfortunately they seem to have forgotten that we are in a recession period here in America and also, I am a full-time college student with a part-time job and a husband who is in the same boat. We shop at Aldi (the "family dollar" of grocery stores), not Whole Foods. In fact, the only time I have ever even set foot in a Whole Foods was when I was doing this colon/liver cleanse and had to buy all this organic stuff or I was just going to end up putting in more parasites than I took out. But that's another post for another time...

Anyway, all of this to say, that I now have to a) exercise forever, b) starve while, c) eating the only rabbit food I can afford.

Can we just go back to the days of corsets and pantaloons where your big thighs were covered up by big bloomers and your excess fat was pushed up to make your bosoms look larger?
I mean, come on.
Looks like it's time to invest in some Spanx.

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sorry for being so bold

I just love this new office.
My computer screen is so large and clear.
My little corner is so cozy and MY OWN.
The only downside is that I have to walk a quarter of a mile to get here.
Oh well...No computer screen comes without it's price.

Anyway.

I had a revelation today when I realized just how much the Lord has taught me about relationships and people since being at school. I've always been a personable person, but never a huge intimate relationship person.
--I think part of this is due to the fact that I grew up in Utah, and finding good bosom buddies that believe in the same thing you do is about as common as finding a good mormon that enjoys a caffeinated beverage. (Sorry. Utah humor.)
So, to continue, I have discovered that I have something inside myself that cares about people, but it has a difficult time showing it's face beneath all of my selfish tendencies. (I am also quite cynical and this kills a lot of my nurturing desires as well. I do happen to be working on these problems).
I've found that I enjoy having one-on-one coffee dates with people, even with the very large opportunity for awkward silences (which I try to avoid at ALL COSTS).
I enjoy leaving notes and such for people that I think of or that I know are having a difficult time.
I enjoy laughing with a stranger that makes the same observation about the world that I do. It makes for an interesting moment and leaves me replaying it in my head with a nice feeling inside.
I enjoy holding people as they cry and tell me about the difficult things going on. I like knowing that I can simply sit with them and listen as they pour out everything they need to.
I guess I am saying that I like relationships.
But I have an odd tendency to deny them, or simply not take the time for them, because they require effort.
--One major part of depression is that simple, routine life starts to become a treadmill that you're running on and all of a sudden, someone has turned the speed up to 10 miles an hour. You know you're gonna run out of oxygen eventually, but if you try and stop you'll fall on your face and just make things worse.

I guess I'm just interested at the person that I am now, after two of some of the most refining years I have ever been through.
She's pretty different, and much of the same, and I think I am a little proud of her.

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school

eats away at my soul.
And my social calendar.

Ugh.
ONE more semester (after I somehow get through this one, of course).
Lord, give me some endurance please.

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a saturday

Mmmmmm.
Number one: it is snowing outside. Again. Why on earth does the Lord feel fit to tease us with 65 degrees one weekend and a blizzard from the north on another? I just don't understand.
Lord, I know You are awesome and wonderful and all-powerful, but You don't need to send a snowstorm every five days to remind me. In fact, seeing the sun again would remind me quite adequately.

Number two: it is Saturday and I am drinking coffee and eating cereal (because my husband finally forced me to go grocery shopping yesterday. It was getting reaaaal bad, y'all.) and I just would love to curl up and take another nap. Except that I made a big list of all the homework I am supposed to get done today and, ignore it as I might, it keeps showing up on each of my planner pages. Usually with additions. So maybe I ought to just do it, hmmmm?

Number three: all of a sudden I have this strange fear that the Lord is getting ready to make Husband and I stay in Chicago for awhile after graduation. It's just all falling together way too perfectly. All of a sudden, we are more involved in our church then I have been my entire time here. We're finding apartments close to said church well within our budget, all available at the time our lease is up. I will be interning this summer, so the semester after I graduate is suddenly open for whatever God wants us to do. I have a feeling this may involve some sort of full-time job that I just can't quit after five months.
Except here's my problem: I don't want to stay in Chicago.
I want mountains and trees and grass and SUNSHINE and nice people.
Why is it that I always want to leave somewhere that I've been?
Also, there is a large part of me that does not want to settle for that suburban split level home with my two children and my SUV (cause I am not a minivan mom. No way. Screw the environment).
Why do I have this inane fear that God is somehow going to quit taking an interest in my life and drop me into a bag of 'boring' and leave me there? He's never done that before!
Yet I can't seem to get it out of my head that one of these days my adventure will be over and I'm going to have to settle into my life of routine. Ugh.
*sidenote: this is not meant to offend any one that lives in a split level with two children and an SUV. There is part of me that longs for that very much. My fear is more about living a life of 'dull' not of having a suburban house.

Number four: the cat is still sneezing. Although, Husband and I have a growing suspicion that she simply doesn't want to go back to dry catfood and is thus pretending to be sick just so that she gets her tuna.
What a sneaky little bugger.

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illness

Ava has a cold.
Poor baby.
It's no wonder she's gotten so skinny...she can't smell her food, and if cats can't smell it, then they won't eat it.

To be honest however, my biggest relief in all of this is finally knowing what is wrong with her.
Now I know, and now I can do my best to fix it.
Finally.

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a moment

Well, if I am honest, I've been neglecting this because I didn't want to post something about how I am wallowing in my troubles.
But today there is a blue, blue sky and I have opened my windows and turned the fan on so that the old air can get out of my house, and the new stuff can come in.
Maybe that's more symbolic than I thought.

You see, the problem is this rut that I keep encountering. And I swear, either there are 25 million of the same ones scattered throughout my life, or I am simply going in circles and coming back to the original. Either way, I'm having a hard time.
And if I am honest, I am so tired of admitting that.
I am tired of being the needy wife/friend/student/daughter that cannot get through life without a bottle of pills and a visit to a counselor.
I am tired of using DEPRESSION as an excuse for why I cannot get out of bed, why it is an effort to laugh, and why I cannot seem to accomplish any schoolwork until I have to put my tail between my legs and broadcast it to my professors again.
I am tired of not being able to trust my thoughts and know if what I am thinking is the truth/believable or not.
I am tired of declaring a fresh start for myself, only to stop and think, "I didn't get started at all."

I am also scared.
I am scared that this will be the fight of my life, for the rest of my life, and also for my children's life.
I am scared that I will become that mother that locks herself in her room, neglects her kids and kills her marriage.
I am scared that I will never be happy or free.
I am scared that this is what I will write about, forever and ever, and if I don't write about it, I will have nothing else to say.

I don't want to cry anymore.
I don't want to question anymore.
I just don't want to do this anymore.

How many times have I written those words?

"When all these blessings and curses I have set before you come upon you and you take them to heart wherever the LORD your God disperses you among the nations, and when you and your children return to the LORD your God and obey him with all your heart and with all your soul according to everything I command you today, then the LORD your God will restore your fortunes and have compassion on you and gather you again from all the nations where he scattered you. Even if you have been banished to the most distant land under the heavens, from there the LORD your God will gather you and bring you back. He will bring you to the land that belonged to your fathers, and you will take possession of it. He will make you more prosperous and numerous than your fathers. The LORD your God will circumcise your hearts and the hearts of your descendants, so that you may love him with all your heart and with all your soul, and live." -Deuteronomy 30:1-6

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still and quiet

it's early in the morning (7:09, to be exact) and I've got to leave for school in a few minutes, but I couldn't help myself.
Sometimes there are moments that just ooze with peacefulness and quiet, and I need to stop and take note of that. Especially since those moments are few and far between.
My coffee's getting a little cold, but my husband is still asleep three feet away, I've already eaten breakfast and it's nice to just sit. This semester is so hectic already, that I am already feeling like I'm just treading water.
That's not exactly the best state of mind to be in, two weeks into it all.

We had youth group last night, which was good and trying. I enjoy working with these kids, and yet there is so much that I feel that I'm not doing. If there is anything in life that makes you realize that you really have control over nothing, it is working with teenagers.
There are moments that are so tough and helpless, and I just look at them and wonder why they cannot see the logic in what I am telling them.
Then I remember that they can't really see logic in much of anything, and the most important thing for me right now, is to just be there. To stand there while they lean on my shoulders and play with my hair and make me laugh at their nonsense.
To pray with them and listen to their dreams of becoming actors, surgeons, real estate agents, moms, and college graduates.
To remind them that there is more to this life than good hair and the right shoes.
To smile and say, "I'll see you guys next week, okay?"
And sometimes, that is enough.

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fitness and leg waxing

Today has been eventful in the form of ridiculous activities that I do in my teeny little apartment in order to keep myself distracted from all the reading I need to catch up on.

Event #1: Flirty Girl Fitness

I know. I know. It even sounds ridiculous. But trust me, it kicks your butt. And it makes you smile. A friend of mine told me about it a few months ago and I originally looked at joining the gym that's here in Chicago. However, when I told my Dear Husband about this, he promptly killed those dreams.
("Babe, it's only $110 a month! I'll just work a few extra hours..."
"...Seriously? No way!")

I was looking around on the site again a few weeks ago (wistfully, I might add), and I noticed their DVD section. Turns out I can shake my behind in the comfort of my own home while working on my six-pack. I ordered the Teaser collection, and they just got here a few days ago. I popped in Booty Beat on Saturday and still feel like I am going to collapse. Today I did Chair Dancing and although I didn't sweat as much, I still got a decent workout, especially considering that my muscles are still asking me what I am thinking.

Honestly, I know it sounds crazy and a little sketchy. But (especially if you're hitched) it's really fun, and it let's you flaunt your feminine side without looking like a sleazeball.
So that's that.

Event #2: Nad's waxing strips.

Ow.
I bought 'em like six months ago and have been semi-regularly using them on the lower half of my legs.
Ow.
They don't get ALL the hair, but they get enough, AND your hair grows back way thinner and much more slowly than usual.
But still.
Ow.

Use at your own risk.
That's all I'm sayin'.

Okay.
I suppose that's enough for today. I've got Jewish Studies waiting for me, and people coming over tonight for Pizza and Monopoly. It's Husband's favorite. It also happens to be the only board game we own, so that narrows his choices down a little. : )

Have a good day off.

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here i am

For a long time I've struggled with the kind of "voice" I should use on here. I read so many blogs by people who make you laugh and you know that is exactly how they sound in real life.
I've also read blogs that are so serious and questioning in their entirety that they make you ponder the small bits of life and try to make you find meaning in everything.
So where does that leave me?

I started blogging when I was fifteen. It was the trendy thing to do and I knew that I'd always loved to write, so why one earth not join in? Maybe I'd become an overnight sensation, get discovered and subsequently famous, and then my dreams of being A Writer would come true.

It is now five years later, and I can tell you that this did not happen. Unfortunately.

Essentially, I have put my five years of change on display for the world. The internet has seen me go through falling in love, breaking up, moving out, getting depressed, getting better, getting depressed again, finding my real love, getting married and being An Adult. I have posted things that look like nonsense, things that sound like I talk in sarcasm, things that make my English teachers wonder what I ever saw in myself, and things that have made a few people step back and wonder just what goes on inside this head of blue eyes and brown hair.
For what?

The whole point of blogging is to be who you want, who you are. But I keep attaching rules to it. I can't sound too sophisticated, people will think you're fake. I can't sound too abstract, people will think you're depressed again. I can't talk about life too much, people will find you and do strange things to you.
Apparently I have a propensity to live life by the rules, even though I spend all of my time trying to shirk them. I am a walking contradiction.
I just attribute this to my very strange need to be organized and color-coded (Office Max is my favorite store. I cannot walk in there without buying something. Usually a notebook or a pen...I get this from my mother).

All of this to say, who am I really? And what am I doing here?

For so long, this has been a place of searching, a place of throwing out the messes inside of my head and trying to organize it by it's passing through my fingertips and onto a page. I feel like I still need this, but not as much as I used too. Maybe this is part of what comes with Growing Up--a bigger mental capacity in which to organize Life.
In any case, I still want to be heard. But I want to do it my way, I want people to know me without having to see my face.
And this doesn't just include the deep, inner-workings of my heart. It also includes the mistakes I make for dinner and the uncomfortable outfits that come with freezing Chicago winters.
I'm going to try to be more steady and regular.
I'm going to give my life details, the color inside of the messy lines that come out of pondering.
I'm going to pop out of a page and become real life.
And hopefully, I'll touch just as many people as before. All twelve of you.

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too long

but I'll be back regularly soon.
I promise.
Just let me get a handle on all this crazy stuff that everyone says is life and I'll try to start dishing up some more nuggets to chew on.
Okay?

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