my adventure

This is my life.
This is my adventure.
Thank goodness.

Photos by Rich Legg

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okay then.

Oh, unending stream of criticism in my head.

Will you ever run out of words?

Why is it so hard to believe that I am who You say I am?
Put together just the way you wanted.
Poured out into the body you designed.
Crafted into this person...that confounds me daily.

I enjoy chocolate cookies
and pizza
and cheese/crackers/salami
and all things "unhealthy".
I'm a walking klutz, unless I'm on ice.
Then I feel like a ballerina.
I spill, I trip, I snort, I sob.

I am a landmine of emotions.

Get out, get out, get out.

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here it is...there it was

It's like inadequacy.

Wondering, "Really? Why not me? We seem the same."
But actually, they kept all the good parts that you let go to waste.

I don't want them to go to waste anymore.

God, can you take me back to a beach in Mexico where you were more powerful than the wind and the waves, and all I could feel were your hands on my shoulders?

I'm so overwhelmed with this.
I'm so overwhelmed when I remember everything else, and everything now.

Your life comes with commitments.
You go from thinking, "I wonder what my life will be,"
to
"This is what my life is. I just defined it."

Did I do the right things?
Did I make the right decisions?
Is this how I was supposed to turn out?

I've forgotten the solid peace I had when my life was wide open and there were no doors to hide behind.

Dear Jesus,
Make me better.
Amen.

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too much.

*update--
My husband is amazingly wonderful and is taking me on a staycation to Evanston. We are staying in a cute little bed and breakfast just off the purple line. We leave on Thursday afternoon and come home on Saturday afternoon.
Praise the good Lord Almighty.

Secondly, I had an interesting observation while biking home this evening. My thighs were literally cramping up about halfway home, but I just tried to ignore it and keep going.
However, had I been on a stationary bike at the gym, or a treadmill, I would have just gotten off.
But I wanted to come home, and biking was my only option, so I stayed on.
Now my thighs are looking nicely mannish with muscle and I am in desperate need of some good stretching.

Bug Count:
Mouth-4
Nose-1
Eye-1
Head/Arms/Hair-too numerous to count

Seriously. Does anyone have any suggestions about this? I had to stop and get a drink to wash them all down. Nasty.
_____________________________________________________________

There's just been too much lately.
Really, I probably could have written 20 posts in the past week, but I just couldn't.

I couldn't do a lot of things.

I have got to snap out of this.

On the biking front: It's an interesting thing. I enjoy the exercise and the fresh air. I hate the cars and their mean drivers. So on one hand I am getting out, getting air, calming down. On the other, I am winding back up when I have to yell at people that drive an inch away from me and force me to the side of the road.
I saw fireflies the other day. It was a little bit of magic for a moment.
Until one went down my throat.
Then it was not so magical.

On the everything else front: I could spend my days sitting on the beach and eating frozen yogurt.
Is it wrong that I feel entitled to some sort of break?
I've written repeatedly about how I've felt like I went non-stop for this past year and I know that there's a crash coming somewhere.
Or maybe it's just little crashes.
I think I've been having some of those lately.

I don't know. Our society pushes us to keep going, keep working, make money, don't quit.
Yet, God clearly talks about us needing rest.
Where's the balance?
How much rest is enough, and when do you cross the line into laziness?

It's been hard to move lately, and I don't like it.

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contradiction

I want to leave this place.
paris, barcelona, rome, london.
I'll take any of them.
I want anywhere but here.
And I want to take everything with me.

I want home and I don't know where it is.

I want to settle in, and I don't want to stay anywhere for too long.

I am a walking contradiction and I just need a place to lie down.

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turtle aquariums with a side of gay pride (or, how I tried to outrun a bus on my first bike ride)

Whew.
It's been a day. Or two.

Here's how it started: On Sunday, Husband and I decided that we finally needed to commit to these turtles (his dad bought us two turtles in Chinatown when they came. We did not realize the amount of work they were going to be when he did so. It was a nice thought), so I looked up Petsmart and we figured out that all we needed to do was take a bus straight down and it would drop us off right in front of it. Then we could take that bus back and not have to worry about carrying a giant aquarium back by ourselves.

However, we forgot one small issue.

It happened to be Gay Pride here in Chi-town this week, and our bus was driving right on the soon-to-be parade route.
Thus, we had to get off the bus and wade our way through a million people to try and find a pet store so that we could buy our turtle tank.
Also, these million people were very drunk, very almost naked, and very into getting a rise out of people that (clearly) had no idea what they were doing there (this would be Husband and I).

Now, let me stop for a moment and tell you this: I love gay people, straight people, bi-people, and transgendered people. I might not agree with what they're doing, but I don't agree with people that cheat on their spouses either. Point being this: I would rather show someone I don't know that I love them, then judge them and close them off to Christ forever.

However, I'm not exactly at ease in a crowd full of people that are intent on getting wasted and seeing how far across the "inappropriate" line they can cross without getting in trouble.
Especially not when I see four and five-year-olds standing there with their parents watching all of this.
Plus, being in crowds like that makes me nervous after awhile.

All of this to say, that halfway through our trek into gay-pride, I was starting to get really nervous and crabby. I got to my breaking point when I saw a float full of people doing extremely inappropriate things driving by and the crowd cheering them on. I really thought I was going to completey freak out.

And then.

And then, the night ministry bus came driving down the parade route after them and I remembered that this is exactly where Christ would be. Where we should be.
In the middle of all of this, telling people that we love them no matter what they do, or who they are, or where they come from.
All of a sudden, I couldn't help but love these people and see them for who they were: a group of people that just wanted to fit in somewhere.
They just wanted someone to tell them, "It's alright. I see your struggles and your pain, and I love you anyway."
Isn't that what everyone wants, gay or not?

It's what I want.

It's what Christ gives me.
Somewhere to belong, somewhere to just sit and be me in my messy, failed, broken-down state of being.

And who am I to withhold that from someone?

*sidenote: we got a 20 gallon aquarium, and because we are completely obsessed with our cat, we bought her a little kitty climber thing.
We then had to carry these stupid, heavy items for about two hours because the buses were not running, and all taxis were full.
I think that this was the most idiotic attempt we have ever made at trying to be normal in spite of not having a car.

And the cat hates her climber.
Of course.
__________________________________________________________________

This morning, I decided on a whim to bike the five miles into work even though I have not ridden a bike in years, and I'm not sure I've ever biked five miles (especially next to cars).

I think that it was the terror-induced adrenaline that got me here, because I am now tired.
And I have to do it again to get home.

I made the mistake of trying to outrun a bus at one point, so I could have more room on that narrow road.
Then I almost hit a pothole and fell over while my purse was slapping me in the chest and my pizza pockets were getting stuck in my wheels.

I think that there are indents in the handles now, where my fingers were locked in. In fact, I kind of had to pry them off, one by one when I got to work.

But, by darn, I got my exercise in for the day.
Maybe I'll take the train home.

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death and other odd things

Well, since this is clearly the most obvious thing going on right now, Michael Jackson is dead.
Weird.
I'm listening to his music today in tribute.

Alright, now that I have acknowledged that, let's move on.

I spent time with my husband last night.
Really, what a novel idea!
It was lovely. We went and saw "Transformers" (which is fantastic!) and then we went to Berry Chill afterwards for frozen yogurt. It was delicious and also within my calorie limit for the day.
Yeeeessss.

I can guarantee you that I will be spending a lot of time there this summer.

I've worked out three times this week, and I am planning on exercising after I get off of work today. This means that I will have finally hit my 4x a week cardio assignment, and also my 3x a week strength assignment.
Also, I think I can see the muscle in my legs again. Woah. Thank you, trainer Heidi.

I know this is not super interesting.
That's alright.
Sometimes it's nice to not write anything heavy and remind myself that I do have moments of a normal life.

I really want to go to the beach.

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heat wave

I am not sure that I have ever craved a vacation more than in these past few days.
Maybe it's the heat coming in, that is reminding me that it is summer and the time of year when I am supposed to slow down and enjoy my husband/life.

However, this has been the busiest summer of my life, and I think it's been even more hectic than the school year.
I go from one job to the next (2 total, plus an unpaid internship), all day, until I collapse in the kitchen at home and somehow cook meals.
Sometimes I'll see my husband, like when he crawls into bed at 1am, and when he gets out of it at 7am.

Ugh.

I'm at the point where I would even settle for three nights in a hotel by the airport, simply to feel like I am slightly away from life.
The only problem is that we can't afford to take that time off, plus pay for a hotel.

I'm not trying to complain, honestly.
It's just that I really felt like I spent all of last school year running on half a tank because I never had enough time to stop and refill myself. Now I am afraid that I will have the same thing happen this year, except that I will have been stretched out for even longer because of this insane summer.
I want to do well this upcoming semester, but I know that's not going to happen unless I go into it really ready to start school again. At this rate, I'm just going to be scraping by.

Lord, can you take away the weight of my world please?

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an arrival

Well.
It appears that summer has run in and dropped his silly little self all over Chicago quite suddenly.
There was no creeping in for this guy...he just decided to arrive one day.

And I cannot say that I am complaining.
I mean, other than sweating out more than my body weight and having hair that looks like a microwaved poodle. Besides all that, I'm doing just fine.

As to the rant the other night, well...
All things in moderation.

This is what I have decided.
I will exercise in moderation (I just may need to adjust MY idea of moderation to meet the ACTUAL idea of moderation).
I will eat in moderation (this means a variety of food, and snacks throughout the day).
I will take my life in moderation (as in, one day at a time).

I just don't have any other options. And really, what am I going to do anyway?

On another note, we're starting to look at "Life After Moody".
It's kind of frightening, but way more exciting. I asked God to prepare a place for us, wherever it might be. We have a few different places that we're examining, but I don't want to lock us into anything, so I'll wait to write about where.
Let's just say that it could be exactly what my overworked soul needs for awhile.
And I am deciding to look at that as taking care of myself, rather than copping out on the world.

The end.

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summer change

Do we like it?
I'm still not so sure about the look...

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scars still hurt when you scratch them

Two minutes ago, I was crying on the bathroom rug with these words wandering through my head (I'm now in the bedroom, because we can't get internet in the bathroom. Alas, my movie-like moments are always foiled).
I brought my wedding dress home with me after my recent trip to Utah. Folded it up in it's garment bag and tucked it in the bottom of my suitcase. Clearly, I opened it up and looked at it when I got home, but I put off trying it on because I was afraid.
So tonight, after watching some stupid t.v. show about couples finally deciding to take the plunge, I put it on.

I could barely get it over my hips.

I feel like my whole life is spent fighting the same battles and never winning. I can look back on my life and see that the things that I struggled with then are the things that I still struggle with now.

God, will I never have any victory?

I have spent so much of my life motivating myself to wake up in the mornings and just get. out. of. bed.
I have then spent those days trying to monitor what goes into my mouth, and the amount of exercise I do to burn it off.
It's so exhausting.

I remember being four years old and telling my mother that I thought I was fat. I would look at myself in the mirror and think that there was always something missing.
I grew up into a teenager that was attracted to the world and all it seemed to offer. I took the bait and gave into the lies that it fed me--I should always be happy, I should be 5'7" and weigh 110 pounds, and I should also be able to eat anything I want while lying by a pool, working on my tan.
I was blessed with two sisters who happen to be able to do just that, and not have the same results that I do. One was a gymnast and the other one was just a string bean with knobbly knees.
I have a mind that likes to attribute anything positive about itself to outside influences and suck in the negative things like a dry sponge.
And the horrible part is that I loved that wedding dress, but even when it slid over my hips on that day, I still wasn't happy with the person wearing it.

We've been married for a year (and two weeks) now.
When I pulled out my wedding dress, an odd and unexpected thing happened.
I started looking it over, noticing the dirty hem from dancing all night, and the loose beads from where my new husband put his hands around my waist, and I remembered all of the things that I was unsatisfied with on that day.

As wonderful as my wedding was, there are things that I'm not happy with.

However, as I thought about the past year as a wife, the only things that came to mind were how much more in love I am with my husband now than on that day and all of the times we've laughed together while living our life.

And maybe this is a small victory in itself.

Because if my mind has to pick something to be unsatisfied with, I would rather it be one day than an entire year.
There are things I would do differently now. But marrying that same man is not one of them.

I guess all of this is simply to say that I am now realizing that there are things that I may never overcome in this lifetime.
I may never weigh what I want to.
I may never outsmart the demons in my head.

But at least I will always know that I did one thing that I will never, ever regret.

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people are people, and sometimes it doesn't work out

I'm contemplative today.
Slept in (accidentally), went for an hour-long walk in the park by the beach, ate a good lunch and made it into work by 1:30.
In the shower I just kept saying to myself, "I'm gonna do this. I'm gonna make it. I'm gonna do this."
Apparently my recent trip to Utah has (again) changed my outlook on my ability to make my body what I want it to be. Not that this is a bad thing, just, you know, a change.

I don't think this summer is going to be what I wanted it to be.
Although, I'm not sure that I can say that any summer has been what I wanted it to be.
The very large majority of my closest friends are gone.
The ones that are here, well...it's complicated.
I'm working 20 hours at the office, and babysitting at least that many (if not more).
I need to start my internship next week, which is pretty exciting, but also unpaid. Thus, I will soon have to devote another 20 hours of my week to working without getting anything in return for it.
I'm committed to working out (especially since I know I'm checking back in with the trainer in two months, and I better be in a better state than I am now) which is nicely de-stressing, but also time-consuming.
Also, I think the cat is sick again.
And the weather is not cooperating with my wishes for "sunny, no clouds".

At least my nails look nice.

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isn't it interesting

how you seem to alienate the people that would be the most loyal to you.
how you still seem to think that this world and all the people in it revolve entirely around you and your "dream" life.
how you frustrate the life out of me, but I'm to non-confrontational to simply tell it to your face.
how betrayed I feel by you.
how over all of this drama that I want to be.
how over the word "drama" I want to be.
how my head always aches.
how I can despise you so much, and yet you still make me so insecure about myself.
how much power one measly little person can have over another.

how honestly good and sick writing all of this out makes me feel.

I just need a few more pills.
I am a prescription waiting to happen, with a lit fuse at the bottom and a firecracker on top.
Just let me live my life, and quit pushing your stupid ideals onto the rest of the world.
We don't want to care.

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fading

I'm watching Graduate School slip through my fingers and float away.
I need to cry.

God, why would you get me through all of this just to drop me without my dreams?

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i am angry

Call it a fad.
Call it overrated.
Call it what you will.
It doesn't change the fact that there is an international crisis going on, and most of the world seems content to live in ignorance or denial.

When my children read about this in their history books and ask me, "Mommy, why didn't you help?" I don't want to have to look them in the eyes and say, "I just didn't have time..."
I will make time.

When Hitler began his revolution, and started carting Jews off to work camps, no one stood up. And now, sixty years later, we all scream, "This will never happen again! How could the world be so blind?"
Well, guess what. It is happening again.
A generation of children is fighting a war that they do not understand, do not believe in, and have no business even witnessing.
This is wrong.

I will not sit by anymore.
And just because I cannot get on a plane and physically rescue children, does not mean that I have to stand by and do nothing.

I know that it has been a long fight.
I know that we have all heard of it, got impassioned for it, and then our fire died out.
Rekindle it. Because it is not over. We cannot be a generation that changes the world if we give up when things do not happen immediately.
We have become so accustomed to getting things NOW, that we forget that real change takes time and exhausting effort.
We say we are a generation who is ready to stand up for social justice and fix things that the people before us could not.
But if we are going to do this, we must beat it into the ground, until every single person has come home.
We must continue to have a passion in our hearts, regardless of how long it takes.
Dedicate yourself to something, and see it through.

April 25.
See you there.

The Rescue.
The Game Plan.
The Reason.

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a shocking (and possibly unexpected) revelation...

I have discovered something tonight that may surprise all twelve of you reading this right now. Ready?

I have absolutely no idea what I am doing here. And by here, I mean living in the ghetto of Chicago.

In case you all haven't noticed, I am a white girl. From the burbs. The most diversity I experienced while growing up was the rap station on the radio (which I loved). But just because you enjoy a culture, does not make you a part of that culture, or even fit in to that culture.
I am seeing this more and more the longer I am here.

Being a resident of Chicago is completely different than living in a dorm downtown where the majority of the city shuts down at 8 pm, and whatever is still open is not any place that you should be.
Here, there are drunken arguments outside my bedroom window at 2 am and I can see the flashing blue lights that symbolize a "police protected" area reflecting off the walls.
There are fifty year old prostitutes selling themselves on the same corner that I walk by to get to the train station every morning, and I know the spiel that the homeless man with no legs is going to give me as soon as I see him.
The biggest concern we have for our youth group kids is either gang-banging or worrying which one of our thirteen year old girls is going to get pregnant next, and which drug dealer will be the father this time?
And in the middle of all this, there is me.
There is me, who can do nothing else but cry, "Really God? Is there no one better for this job?"
Who can do nothing else but pray that she gets out of here soon.

And yet...
And yet. There is a sinking feeling inside of me that knows no matter where I go, I will never be able to forget this place, and forget the level of depravity that I have seen, and begun to harden myself to every day.
The first time a homeless person asked me for change, I literally felt my heart breaking as I told him no. I kept glancing back as I walked down the street, praying that God would forgive me for neglecting someone. Now, I barely even glance at them as I say "nope, sorry", and that heart break has turned to a small nudge that is easily quieted.
To be honest, I don't like this place at all.
Twenty minutes ago, someone looked at me and said, "you're a bitch" just for being a white girl walking down the street at 9 pm.
Two minutes later, someone looked at me and said, "how you doing, gorgeous" just for being a white girl walking down the street at 9 pm.
I don't enjoy this.

I dream of a sophisticated little house next to the beach, with a nice little car that I can drive to my wonderfully qualified Graduate School while I learn about how to write fake stories and sell them to people around the world.

Is this all You have made me for?
How can You expect me to do anything else?

Maybe I will never be a martyr in Africa. Maybe I will never be an award-winning author. Maybe I will never own a nice house, or a fancy car, or send my kid to nice schools.
Maybe the greatest sacrifice that I have been called to give is my life, and my dreams for that life.
Maybe I have been called to sacrifice my beach house for an apartment in the ghetto, and my car for a train ride, and my children's fancy schools for a public school where the literacy rate doesn't get higher than a third grade level.
Maybe all of that is a bigger sacrifice than anything else that I could have deemed worthy.
Maybe the one thing that God requires of me is the one thing that I don't want to give.
Who do I love more?

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"Can't Get Away"

I am an arrow, I am a rocket
I am a river and nothing can stop it
Cause You are the target and You are the atmosphere
You are the ocean that keeps pulling me, You're pulling me here

And I, can't get away, can't get away
Can't get away, can't get away
I can't get away, can't get away...I keep running into You

I am a beggar, You are the table
I am so helpless, God You are so able
And when I get turned around You change my direction
You're so perfect, I'm so broken, here You come with arms wide open
Chasing after me down every road
You're always waiting there

And I, can't get away, can't get away
Can't get away, can't get away
I can't get away, can't get away...I keep running into You

Even when I close my eyes, I can't help but see
There's no place that I can hide, You're such a part of me
I can't get away cause I keep running into You
I can't get away...

-Rush of Fools

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it's getting serious now...

oooh, two blog posts in a row.
I must be getting dedicated or something.

It is such a beautiful day outside, and I have a list of chores and homework that needs accomplishing...however, I may just put a hold to those things (because I am so good at doing that) and lay out on the roof of my apartment building.
I think my body needs some natural vitamin D more than anything else lately.
Besides, it's not my fault all the washing machines were taken, right?

These are the days where God reminds me how important it is to sit and soak up a moment at a time.
Instead of straining my eyes to see where I am going to be in a week, a month, a year--I've got to stop and simply be where I am. God knows what I need, when I need it, and if I let Him handle the details, He'll handle them.
I am coming to major crossroads in life, and I really think that God is trying to teach me to slow down and take it a day at a time. Instead of trying to make my decisions now, why don't I just make them when I get there?

I'm sure that all of this is not new to the few of you, but I think I simply needed to lay it out there so that I have it in solid form.
Also, I just wanted to procrastinate on everything else for awhile. : )

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sweatin' for my fitness

I should exercise. Really.
Standing around and checking out my butt in the floor-length mirror is doing nothing for me, except reminding me of how well that cellulite cream that I bought on sale does NOT work.
In fact (I just accidentally typed "in fat"...how symbolic is that?), in a burst of "I will get thin" motivation, I just signed up for the Self 2009 Challenge.
I tried this last year, and made it about half way. However, they've reformatted a lot and it looks much more "user-friendly" than before. You now have the ability to choose your form of exercise and also determine how much you want to lose.
Unfortunately, I have just been jarred into shapely reality by discovering that in order to lose 2 pounds per week, I have to burn 500 calories a day (or 3,500 calories a week) while eating 1,600 calories a day.

aka, starve and work my butt off while doing so.

They also have a handy meal plan, but unfortunately they seem to have forgotten that we are in a recession period here in America and also, I am a full-time college student with a part-time job and a husband who is in the same boat. We shop at Aldi (the "family dollar" of grocery stores), not Whole Foods. In fact, the only time I have ever even set foot in a Whole Foods was when I was doing this colon/liver cleanse and had to buy all this organic stuff or I was just going to end up putting in more parasites than I took out. But that's another post for another time...

Anyway, all of this to say, that I now have to a) exercise forever, b) starve while, c) eating the only rabbit food I can afford.

Can we just go back to the days of corsets and pantaloons where your big thighs were covered up by big bloomers and your excess fat was pushed up to make your bosoms look larger?
I mean, come on.
Looks like it's time to invest in some Spanx.

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sorry for being so bold

I just love this new office.
My computer screen is so large and clear.
My little corner is so cozy and MY OWN.
The only downside is that I have to walk a quarter of a mile to get here.
Oh well...No computer screen comes without it's price.

Anyway.

I had a revelation today when I realized just how much the Lord has taught me about relationships and people since being at school. I've always been a personable person, but never a huge intimate relationship person.
--I think part of this is due to the fact that I grew up in Utah, and finding good bosom buddies that believe in the same thing you do is about as common as finding a good mormon that enjoys a caffeinated beverage. (Sorry. Utah humor.)
So, to continue, I have discovered that I have something inside myself that cares about people, but it has a difficult time showing it's face beneath all of my selfish tendencies. (I am also quite cynical and this kills a lot of my nurturing desires as well. I do happen to be working on these problems).
I've found that I enjoy having one-on-one coffee dates with people, even with the very large opportunity for awkward silences (which I try to avoid at ALL COSTS).
I enjoy leaving notes and such for people that I think of or that I know are having a difficult time.
I enjoy laughing with a stranger that makes the same observation about the world that I do. It makes for an interesting moment and leaves me replaying it in my head with a nice feeling inside.
I enjoy holding people as they cry and tell me about the difficult things going on. I like knowing that I can simply sit with them and listen as they pour out everything they need to.
I guess I am saying that I like relationships.
But I have an odd tendency to deny them, or simply not take the time for them, because they require effort.
--One major part of depression is that simple, routine life starts to become a treadmill that you're running on and all of a sudden, someone has turned the speed up to 10 miles an hour. You know you're gonna run out of oxygen eventually, but if you try and stop you'll fall on your face and just make things worse.

I guess I'm just interested at the person that I am now, after two of some of the most refining years I have ever been through.
She's pretty different, and much of the same, and I think I am a little proud of her.

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school

eats away at my soul.
And my social calendar.

Ugh.
ONE more semester (after I somehow get through this one, of course).
Lord, give me some endurance please.

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a saturday

Mmmmmm.
Number one: it is snowing outside. Again. Why on earth does the Lord feel fit to tease us with 65 degrees one weekend and a blizzard from the north on another? I just don't understand.
Lord, I know You are awesome and wonderful and all-powerful, but You don't need to send a snowstorm every five days to remind me. In fact, seeing the sun again would remind me quite adequately.

Number two: it is Saturday and I am drinking coffee and eating cereal (because my husband finally forced me to go grocery shopping yesterday. It was getting reaaaal bad, y'all.) and I just would love to curl up and take another nap. Except that I made a big list of all the homework I am supposed to get done today and, ignore it as I might, it keeps showing up on each of my planner pages. Usually with additions. So maybe I ought to just do it, hmmmm?

Number three: all of a sudden I have this strange fear that the Lord is getting ready to make Husband and I stay in Chicago for awhile after graduation. It's just all falling together way too perfectly. All of a sudden, we are more involved in our church then I have been my entire time here. We're finding apartments close to said church well within our budget, all available at the time our lease is up. I will be interning this summer, so the semester after I graduate is suddenly open for whatever God wants us to do. I have a feeling this may involve some sort of full-time job that I just can't quit after five months.
Except here's my problem: I don't want to stay in Chicago.
I want mountains and trees and grass and SUNSHINE and nice people.
Why is it that I always want to leave somewhere that I've been?
Also, there is a large part of me that does not want to settle for that suburban split level home with my two children and my SUV (cause I am not a minivan mom. No way. Screw the environment).
Why do I have this inane fear that God is somehow going to quit taking an interest in my life and drop me into a bag of 'boring' and leave me there? He's never done that before!
Yet I can't seem to get it out of my head that one of these days my adventure will be over and I'm going to have to settle into my life of routine. Ugh.
*sidenote: this is not meant to offend any one that lives in a split level with two children and an SUV. There is part of me that longs for that very much. My fear is more about living a life of 'dull' not of having a suburban house.

Number four: the cat is still sneezing. Although, Husband and I have a growing suspicion that she simply doesn't want to go back to dry catfood and is thus pretending to be sick just so that she gets her tuna.
What a sneaky little bugger.

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illness

Ava has a cold.
Poor baby.
It's no wonder she's gotten so skinny...she can't smell her food, and if cats can't smell it, then they won't eat it.

To be honest however, my biggest relief in all of this is finally knowing what is wrong with her.
Now I know, and now I can do my best to fix it.
Finally.

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a moment

Well, if I am honest, I've been neglecting this because I didn't want to post something about how I am wallowing in my troubles.
But today there is a blue, blue sky and I have opened my windows and turned the fan on so that the old air can get out of my house, and the new stuff can come in.
Maybe that's more symbolic than I thought.

You see, the problem is this rut that I keep encountering. And I swear, either there are 25 million of the same ones scattered throughout my life, or I am simply going in circles and coming back to the original. Either way, I'm having a hard time.
And if I am honest, I am so tired of admitting that.
I am tired of being the needy wife/friend/student/daughter that cannot get through life without a bottle of pills and a visit to a counselor.
I am tired of using DEPRESSION as an excuse for why I cannot get out of bed, why it is an effort to laugh, and why I cannot seem to accomplish any schoolwork until I have to put my tail between my legs and broadcast it to my professors again.
I am tired of not being able to trust my thoughts and know if what I am thinking is the truth/believable or not.
I am tired of declaring a fresh start for myself, only to stop and think, "I didn't get started at all."

I am also scared.
I am scared that this will be the fight of my life, for the rest of my life, and also for my children's life.
I am scared that I will become that mother that locks herself in her room, neglects her kids and kills her marriage.
I am scared that I will never be happy or free.
I am scared that this is what I will write about, forever and ever, and if I don't write about it, I will have nothing else to say.

I don't want to cry anymore.
I don't want to question anymore.
I just don't want to do this anymore.

How many times have I written those words?

"When all these blessings and curses I have set before you come upon you and you take them to heart wherever the LORD your God disperses you among the nations, and when you and your children return to the LORD your God and obey him with all your heart and with all your soul according to everything I command you today, then the LORD your God will restore your fortunes and have compassion on you and gather you again from all the nations where he scattered you. Even if you have been banished to the most distant land under the heavens, from there the LORD your God will gather you and bring you back. He will bring you to the land that belonged to your fathers, and you will take possession of it. He will make you more prosperous and numerous than your fathers. The LORD your God will circumcise your hearts and the hearts of your descendants, so that you may love him with all your heart and with all your soul, and live." -Deuteronomy 30:1-6

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still and quiet

it's early in the morning (7:09, to be exact) and I've got to leave for school in a few minutes, but I couldn't help myself.
Sometimes there are moments that just ooze with peacefulness and quiet, and I need to stop and take note of that. Especially since those moments are few and far between.
My coffee's getting a little cold, but my husband is still asleep three feet away, I've already eaten breakfast and it's nice to just sit. This semester is so hectic already, that I am already feeling like I'm just treading water.
That's not exactly the best state of mind to be in, two weeks into it all.

We had youth group last night, which was good and trying. I enjoy working with these kids, and yet there is so much that I feel that I'm not doing. If there is anything in life that makes you realize that you really have control over nothing, it is working with teenagers.
There are moments that are so tough and helpless, and I just look at them and wonder why they cannot see the logic in what I am telling them.
Then I remember that they can't really see logic in much of anything, and the most important thing for me right now, is to just be there. To stand there while they lean on my shoulders and play with my hair and make me laugh at their nonsense.
To pray with them and listen to their dreams of becoming actors, surgeons, real estate agents, moms, and college graduates.
To remind them that there is more to this life than good hair and the right shoes.
To smile and say, "I'll see you guys next week, okay?"
And sometimes, that is enough.

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fitness and leg waxing

Today has been eventful in the form of ridiculous activities that I do in my teeny little apartment in order to keep myself distracted from all the reading I need to catch up on.

Event #1: Flirty Girl Fitness

I know. I know. It even sounds ridiculous. But trust me, it kicks your butt. And it makes you smile. A friend of mine told me about it a few months ago and I originally looked at joining the gym that's here in Chicago. However, when I told my Dear Husband about this, he promptly killed those dreams.
("Babe, it's only $110 a month! I'll just work a few extra hours..."
"...Seriously? No way!")

I was looking around on the site again a few weeks ago (wistfully, I might add), and I noticed their DVD section. Turns out I can shake my behind in the comfort of my own home while working on my six-pack. I ordered the Teaser collection, and they just got here a few days ago. I popped in Booty Beat on Saturday and still feel like I am going to collapse. Today I did Chair Dancing and although I didn't sweat as much, I still got a decent workout, especially considering that my muscles are still asking me what I am thinking.

Honestly, I know it sounds crazy and a little sketchy. But (especially if you're hitched) it's really fun, and it let's you flaunt your feminine side without looking like a sleazeball.
So that's that.

Event #2: Nad's waxing strips.

Ow.
I bought 'em like six months ago and have been semi-regularly using them on the lower half of my legs.
Ow.
They don't get ALL the hair, but they get enough, AND your hair grows back way thinner and much more slowly than usual.
But still.
Ow.

Use at your own risk.
That's all I'm sayin'.

Okay.
I suppose that's enough for today. I've got Jewish Studies waiting for me, and people coming over tonight for Pizza and Monopoly. It's Husband's favorite. It also happens to be the only board game we own, so that narrows his choices down a little. : )

Have a good day off.

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here i am

For a long time I've struggled with the kind of "voice" I should use on here. I read so many blogs by people who make you laugh and you know that is exactly how they sound in real life.
I've also read blogs that are so serious and questioning in their entirety that they make you ponder the small bits of life and try to make you find meaning in everything.
So where does that leave me?

I started blogging when I was fifteen. It was the trendy thing to do and I knew that I'd always loved to write, so why one earth not join in? Maybe I'd become an overnight sensation, get discovered and subsequently famous, and then my dreams of being A Writer would come true.

It is now five years later, and I can tell you that this did not happen. Unfortunately.

Essentially, I have put my five years of change on display for the world. The internet has seen me go through falling in love, breaking up, moving out, getting depressed, getting better, getting depressed again, finding my real love, getting married and being An Adult. I have posted things that look like nonsense, things that sound like I talk in sarcasm, things that make my English teachers wonder what I ever saw in myself, and things that have made a few people step back and wonder just what goes on inside this head of blue eyes and brown hair.
For what?

The whole point of blogging is to be who you want, who you are. But I keep attaching rules to it. I can't sound too sophisticated, people will think you're fake. I can't sound too abstract, people will think you're depressed again. I can't talk about life too much, people will find you and do strange things to you.
Apparently I have a propensity to live life by the rules, even though I spend all of my time trying to shirk them. I am a walking contradiction.
I just attribute this to my very strange need to be organized and color-coded (Office Max is my favorite store. I cannot walk in there without buying something. Usually a notebook or a pen...I get this from my mother).

All of this to say, who am I really? And what am I doing here?

For so long, this has been a place of searching, a place of throwing out the messes inside of my head and trying to organize it by it's passing through my fingertips and onto a page. I feel like I still need this, but not as much as I used too. Maybe this is part of what comes with Growing Up--a bigger mental capacity in which to organize Life.
In any case, I still want to be heard. But I want to do it my way, I want people to know me without having to see my face.
And this doesn't just include the deep, inner-workings of my heart. It also includes the mistakes I make for dinner and the uncomfortable outfits that come with freezing Chicago winters.
I'm going to try to be more steady and regular.
I'm going to give my life details, the color inside of the messy lines that come out of pondering.
I'm going to pop out of a page and become real life.
And hopefully, I'll touch just as many people as before. All twelve of you.

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too long

but I'll be back regularly soon.
I promise.
Just let me get a handle on all this crazy stuff that everyone says is life and I'll try to start dishing up some more nuggets to chew on.
Okay?

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and we're off

Well...I'm not sure how to start off.
I think I'm partly excited, and mostly scared.
Big changes (like presidents) do that to me.

I remember the last election, when I was fifteen and couldn't do much other than watch the tv screen and color in the states on the map that mom had printed out for us. I was so passionate then, so fiery for the right thing, even though I didn't have a say.
This time around, it's almost just "who is the lesser of two evils?" I was never whole-heartedly for either one, but I did have my preference.

So, I guess, here is how I see things now:
America needs a change. That much is obvious. You look around you at the failing economy, the people being kicked out of their homes, the other places in the world that are doing just as badly or worse, and you realize that something has got to give.
I supported McCain almost solely on the fact that he was pro-life, and that is one of the only black and white things that scripture talks about- you shall not murder. For me, that was pretty clear cut. But as far as economic policies, foreign relations, etc, I think I almost lean slightly more towards Obama. Not completely, as I don't think you can ever agree fully with anyone, but he certainly has ideas and fire about things that need to change and how to change them.
Also, he will be my president, and I will respect him as such. He may have to win my support, but he gains my respect simply by being another human being that has passion and dedication for something. Especially if that something is my country.

I guess this isn't really going anywhere, other than the fact that I had thoughts about all of this election stuff and I just needed to sort them out.
I can't say I'm gung-ho for either candidate. I can't say I fully disagree or agree with either.
But what it comes down to is the fact that God is sovereign and He completely allowed Barack Obama to be elected the next president. I trust Him enough to step in and change something that shouldn't happen. You know?

"Everyone must submit himself to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God. Consequently, he who rebels against the authority is rebelling against what God has instituted, and those who do so will bring judgment on themselves. For rulers hold no terror for those who do right, but for those who do wrong. Do you want to be free from fear of the one in authority? Then do what is right and he will commend you. For he is God's servant to do you good. But if you do wrong, be afraid, for he does not bear the sword for nothing. He is God's servant, an agent of wrath to bring punishment on the wrongdoer. Therefore, it is necessary to submit to the authorities, not only because of possible punishment but also because of conscience. This is also why you pay taxes, for the authorities are God's servants, who give their full time to governing. Give everyone what you owe him: If you owe taxes, pay taxes; if revenue, then revenue; if respect, then respect; if honor, then honor."
-Romans 13: 1-7

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you want to be...who?

Failure is on your hands and the world is spinning.
The coffee is to sweetly fragrant and I feel so much older than this.
So above and beyond, but still trapped in the 'what-ifs' and 'has beens'.
Where do we go from here?

There are moments of clarity where it all seems so simple, like I should just be able to reach out and grasp it. Then life steps in and reminds me that nothing is like I thought it was and I'm just going to have to make do with the nonsense.

I don't care if it's rough and ugly and unsychronized.
Shoot me.
You're just a mean old person that likes to hear themselves talk. You don't care about the rest of us. You have no idea about any of this, about passion and paranoia, about something that keeps your heart beating when simple air won't do the trick.
Just go on. Leave us alone.

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name the ways

There are so many thoughts swirling around that I am having a difficult time picking them out individually and processing them
Sometimes it's like the mind-load just keeps getting more and more dumped on before I can even begin to sort through what was there before.
Sometimes I feel about my mind like I feel about my house- it has to be organized and semi clean before I can even begin to accomplish something.
The only problem is that I can't just grab a vacuum and suck the nasties out of my brain...I can only sort through them and relegate them to their proper place. But even this can't happen if other stuff just keeps piling in.
See what I mean?

I had to tell you about my brain problems before I could even begin to write about what the problems inside of the brain problems are!

How do you tell someone that you care about so much that they are breaking your heart every day?
(No, I am not talking about my husband. Dispel your fears. We are doing wonderfully).
My heart aches watching them live life like they are. The hardest part is knowing that absolutely nothing I say will make them change their mind. It's out of my hands- I have no control.
Desperation creeps into all my prayers for them and I literally pour my heart- and tears- out to God.
I don't know what else to do.

I wonder if parents ever feel this way about their children...watching, and knowing that they have no control over their decisions.
Goodness. I am scared for my children already.

In part two of Cami's messy mind: Inferiority.
Will this ever not be a part of my life?
Will there ever come a day where I will continuously be able to say that someone does not make me feel inconsequential and unsubstantial? (Ooooo. Big words).
I know that it's an empty pursuit.
It will end from a lack of money, lack of concentration, and mostly from failure.
"If I was a rich girl..." would it make it any better?

I already know all the answers.
And if that's the case, then why am I still asking the questions?

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truly, madly, deeply

Well, my muscles definitely noticed the workout yesterday.
It's a good kind of ache though, the one that reminds you that your body could be and do so many things, just as long as you keep doing what your doing.
It's almost a reward, like you're muscles are saying, "Congratulations! All that work you did yesterday really did have an effect...so keep it up!"
Maybe I'm just crazy. I think it's the lack of exercise for two weeks that has me so excited about this.

I actually cooked dinner last night, even though Husband was working until midnight and it was just me in the apartment. It was fantastic and tasted so good- the only problem is that I was the only one around to marvel at it. The kicker is that I made sure that there were leftovers for him to have tonight (He's working until midnight again), he thought it was marinating and just left it there. Which probably means that I'll go home from work, get the chicken, and come all the way back, just to give it to him. Oh well. Not like I have much else going on at the moment.
What a problem my fantastic chicken created.

I'm just tired, somewhat content and debating whether or not I would be happier back in bed, or if I really am doing alright sitting here at this desk. I think I'm just hungry and it's clouding my vision.
I have a radio meeting today, after I get off work and I am brainstorming my brains out to try and come up with ideas for this semester. I enjoy this job, but it takes a lot of thought time. That and I'm such a perfectionist that I refuse to settle for events that are just sub-par. I want to change things, shake them up, and make a difference. The only problem is that I have NO idea how to accomplish that.
We'll see how it goes.

This is such a pointless rambling on about nothing. I thought about something to post on here while staring at myself in the mirror this morning, but I seem to have forgotten what exactly I was thinking. Apparently it wasn't that earth shattering.
Maybe it'll come back and I can remedy this meaningless jumble of words.

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don't look back in anger

I ran through the rain last night, got more wet than if I had jumped into a swimming pool, and I loved it.
My umbrella wrapped up around my face, my husband and I screamed every time thunder crashed, and I felt very, very alive.

I'm ready to be student again. Ready to learn what I came here to learn and bank up more knowledge about the God that saved my life and gave me my heart back.
Husband has a theory that as soon as school starts, we're going to want the summer back.
Could be, but I just can't stop myself from learning and loving it. Darn homeschooling. ; )

My hundred-book list is waiting for me to dig in, and I'm pushing pushing pushing to finish the books I have checked out at the moment. God blessed me immensely when he moved me to a city with one of the largest book collections I have ever seen, and a train that has a specific "Library" stop. Did I mention that I love Chicago?

I am overwhelmed with life, yet I struggle to stay this way. It is so easy for me to become a self-defeatist and focus on the parts of myself that I cannot stand. My mind races with, "If I just do this, then this." What is "this" and "then"? And how do I know when I've gotten there?
I've been asking God to take me back to the minimums and remind me why He loves me.
I'm still waiting for my heart to change.

Ah, peace. Come quickly.

"The LORD bless you
and keep you;
the LORD make his face shine upon you
and be gracious to you;
the LORD turn his face toward you
and give you peace."
-Numbers 6:24-26

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run the race

It's been two weeks since I ran the first mile of my training and ended up with tendonitis on the whole outside of my foot and knee.
Two weeks of hobbling around, convincing myself that I'll be better soon and can probably train tomorrow. Two weeks of convincing myself not to just try and run through the pain, because that will just make everything worse.

It's now eight weeks until the race and I'm beginning to think that I might not make this run after all. Eight weeks of training should be enough, except that the sports-induced asthma I have prevents my lungs from building as quickly as other people. This affects the whole cardio-distance-endurance thing and it takes me twice as long to get to a certain "fitness level".
I guess I just keep wondering why God won't just fix it so that I can get on with it. This race was so that I could prove to myself that I could, especially because I have spent my entire life telling myself that I can't.
Except that now I really can't, at the risk of injuring myself further and costing my husband and I loads of money on expensive doctor bills. I've already had my free doctor consultation, so I'm a bit stuck with myself at the moment.

Okay. I know there are worse things out there. I know that there are people in more pain than I am, with life-threatening situations, and I'm sitting here moaning about not being able to complete a voluntary race.
Self-pity.
Gets me every time.

"Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize.
Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize."
-1 Corinthians 9:24-27

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politics

Usually I don't broach the topic of politics, which is kind of odd, considering that at one point in time I was thinking about interning on Capitol Hill with a senator.
Anyway. This presidential election will be the first one that I have participated in, and I probably haven't paid as much attention as I should have (I've forgotten a lot since that Political Science class I took...).
Because I live in Chicago, I am obviously surrounded by Obama supporters, but because I also attend a Christian college, I am surrounded by McCain supporters as well (go figure). So, the debate goes on hotly around me, and I just kind of block it out since I have so many other things to think about. But I think that now is the time for me to start paying attention and doing my research. It also brings up the question of, what is important in a president? Am I more concerned about the personal beliefs of the man, or the actions of the man concerning my country? Am I more concerned about supporting a man who personally believes what I believe, or am I more concerned about supporting a man who says he will act on these beliefs I hold? These are not simple questions, and they do not have simple answers.
I am still undecided in many ways about this. I'm not sure that my decision will ever be a black and white one. I also don't want to make this decision based on propoganda around me. I want to come to a conclusion based on the first truth, not the fourth and fifth truth that has been passed down to me from newspapers, magazines, and voices of people I know.
So, all of this to say that I saw this posted on the blog of a friend of mine and was really challenged by it. It's the keynote address by Sen. Obama given at the Call to Renewal conference. You should definitely read through it if you have the time...

"Good morning. I appreciate the opportunity to speak here at the Call to Renewal's Building a Covenant for a New America conference. I've had the opportunity to take a look at your Covenant for a New America. It is filled with outstanding policies and prescriptions for much of what ails this country. So I'd like to congratulate you all on the thoughtful presentations you've given so far about poverty and justice in America, and for putting fire under the feet of the political leadership here in Washington.

But today I'd like to talk about the connection between religion and politics and perhaps offer some thoughts about how we can sort through some of the often bitter arguments that we've been seeing over the last several years.

I do so because, as you all know, we can affirm the importance of poverty in the Bible; and we can raise up and pass out this Covenant for a New America. We can talk to the press, and we can discuss the religious call to address poverty and environmental stewardship all we want, but it won't have an impact unless we tackle head-on the mutual suspicion that sometimes exists between religious America and secular America.

I want to give you an example that I think illustrates this fact. As some of you know, during the 2004 U.S. Senate General Election I ran against a gentleman named Alan Keyes. Mr. Keyes is well-versed in the Jerry Falwell-Pat Robertson style of rhetoric that often labels progressives as both immoral and godless.

Indeed, Mr. Keyes announced towards the end of the campaign that, "Jesus Christ would not vote for Barack Obama. Christ would not vote for Barack Obama because Barack Obama has behaved in a way that it is inconceivable for Christ to have behaved."

Jesus Christ would not vote for Barack Obama.

Now, I was urged by some of my liberal supporters not to take this statement seriously, to essentially ignore it. To them, Mr. Keyes was an extremist, and his arguments not worth entertaining. And since at the time, I was up 40 points in the polls, it probably wasn't a bad piece of strategic advice.

But what they didn't understand, however, was that I had to take Mr. Keyes seriously, for he claimed to speak for my religion, and my God. He claimed knowledge of certain truths.

Mr. Obama says he's a Christian, he was saying, and yet he supports a lifestyle that the Bible calls an abomination.

Mr. Obama says he's a Christian, but supports the destruction of innocent and sacred life.

And so what would my supporters have me say? How should I respond? Should I say that a literalist reading of the Bible was folly? Should I say that Mr. Keyes, who is a Roman Catholic, should ignore the teachings of the Pope?

Unwilling to go there, I answered with what has come to be the typically liberal response in such debates - namely, I said that we live in a pluralistic society, that I can't impose my own religious views on another, that I was running to be the U.S. Senator of Illinois and not the Minister of Illinois.

But Mr. Keyes's implicit accusation that I was not a true Christian nagged at me, and I was also aware that my answer did not adequately address the role my faith has in guiding my own values and my own beliefs.

Now, my dilemma was by no means unique. In a way, it reflected the broader debate we've been having in this country for the last thirty years over the role of religion in politics.

For some time now, there has been plenty of talk among pundits and pollsters that the political divide in this country has fallen sharply along religious lines. Indeed, the single biggest "gap" in party affiliation among white Americans today is not between men and women, or those who reside in so-called Red States and those who reside in Blue, but between those who attend church regularly and those who don't.

Conservative leaders have been all too happy to exploit this gap, consistently reminding evangelical Christians that Democrats disrespect their values and dislike their Church, while suggesting to the rest of the country that religious Americans care only about issues like abortion and gay marriage; school prayer and intelligent design.

Democrats, for the most part, have taken the bait. At best, we may try to avoid the conversation about religious values altogether, fearful of offending anyone and claiming that - regardless of our personal beliefs - constitutional principles tie our hands. At worst, there are some liberals who dismiss religion in the public square as inherently irrational or intolerant, insisting on a caricature of religious Americans that paints them as fanatical, or thinking that the very word "Christian" describes one's political opponents, not people of faith.

Now, such strategies of avoidance may work for progressives when our opponent is Alan Keyes. But over the long haul, I think we make a mistake when we fail to acknowledge the power of faith in people's lives -- in the lives of the American people -- and I think it's time that we join a serious debate about how to reconcile faith with our modern, pluralistic democracy.

And if we're going to do that then we first need to understand that Americans are a religious people. 90 percent of us believe in God, 70 percent affiliate themselves with an organized religion, 38 percent call themselves committed Christians, and substantially more people in America believe in angels than they do in evolution.

This religious tendency is not simply the result of successful marketing by skilled preachers or the draw of popular mega-churches. In fact, it speaks to a hunger that's deeper than that - a hunger that goes beyond any particular issue or cause.

Each day, it seems, thousands of Americans are going about their daily rounds - dropping off the kids at school, driving to the office, flying to a business meeting, shopping at the mall, trying to stay on their diets - and they're coming to the realization that something is missing. They are deciding that their work, their possessions, their diversions, their sheer busyness, is not enough.

They want a sense of purpose, a narrative arc to their lives. They're looking to relieve a chronic loneliness, a feeling supported by a recent study that shows Americans have fewer close friends and confidants than ever before. And so they need an assurance that somebody out there cares about them, is listening to them - that they are not just destined to travel down that long highway towards nothingness.

And I speak with some experience on this matter. I was not raised in a particularly religious household, as undoubtedly many in the audience were. My father, who returned to Kenya when I was just two, was born Muslim but as an adult became an atheist. My mother, whose parents were non-practicing Baptists and Methodists, was probably one of the most spiritual and kindest people I've ever known, but grew up with a healthy skepticism of organized religion herself. As a consequence, so did I.

It wasn't until after college, when I went to Chicago to work as a community organizer for a group of Christian churches, that I confronted my own spiritual dilemma.

I was working with churches, and the Christians who I worked with recognized themselves in me. They saw that I knew their Book and that I shared their values and sang their songs. But they sensed that a part of me that remained removed, detached, that I was an observer in their midst.

And in time, I came to realize that something was missing as well -- that without a vessel for my beliefs, without a commitment to a particular community of faith, at some level I would always remain apart, and alone.

And if it weren't for the particular attributes of the historically black church, I may have accepted this fate. But as the months passed in Chicago, I found myself drawn - not just to work with the church, but to be in the church.

For one thing, I believed and still believe in the power of the African-American religious tradition to spur social change, a power made real by some of the leaders here today. Because of its past, the black church understands in an intimate way the Biblical call to feed the hungry and cloth the naked and challenge powers and principalities. And in its historical struggles for freedom and the rights of man, I was able to see faith as more than just a comfort to the weary or a hedge against death, but rather as an active, palpable agent in the world. As a source of hope.

And perhaps it was out of this intimate knowledge of hardship -- the grounding of faith in struggle -- that the church offered me a second insight, one that I think is important to emphasize today.

Faith doesn't mean that you don't have doubts.

You need to come to church in the first place precisely because you are first of this world, not apart from it. You need to embrace Christ precisely because you have sins to wash away - because you are human and need an ally in this difficult journey.

It was because of these newfound understandings that I was finally able to walk down the aisle of Trinity United Church of Christ on 95th Street in the Southside of Chicago one day and affirm my Christian faith. It came about as a choice, and not an epiphany. I didn't fall out in church. The questions I had didn't magically disappear. But kneeling beneath that cross on the South Side, I felt that I heard God's spirit beckoning me. I submitted myself to His will, and dedicated myself to discovering His truth.

That's a path that has been shared by millions upon millions of Americans - evangelicals, Catholics, Protestants, Jews and Muslims alike; some since birth, others at certain turning points in their lives. It is not something they set apart from the rest of their beliefs and values. In fact, it is often what drives their beliefs and their values.

And that is why that, if we truly hope to speak to people where they're at - to communicate our hopes and values in a way that's relevant to their own - then as progressives, we cannot abandon the field of religious discourse

Because when we ignore the debate about what it means to be a good Christian or Muslim or Jew; when we discuss religion only in the negative sense of where or how it should not be practiced, rather than in the positive sense of what it tells us about our obligations towards one another; when we shy away from religious venues and religious broadcasts because we assume that we will be unwelcome - others will fill the vacuum, those with the most insular views of faith, or those who cynically use religion to justify partisan ends.

In other words, if we don't reach out to evangelical Christians and other religious Americans and tell them what we stand for, then the Jerry Falwells and Pat Robertsons and Alan Keyeses will continue to hold sway.

More fundamentally, the discomfort of some progressives with any hint of religion has often prevented us from effectively addressing issues in moral terms. Some of the problem here is rhetorical - if we scrub language of all religious content, we forfeit the imagery and terminology through which millions of Americans understand both their personal morality and social justice.

Imagine Lincoln's Second Inaugural Address without reference to "the judgments of the Lord." Or King's I Have a Dream speech without references to "all of God's children." Their summoning of a higher truth helped inspire what had seemed impossible, and move the nation to embrace a common destiny.

Our failure as progressives to tap into the moral underpinnings of the nation is not just rhetorical, though. Our fear of getting "preachy" may also lead us to discount the role that values and culture play in some of our most urgent social problems.

After all, the problems of poverty and racism, the uninsured and the unemployed, are not simply technical problems in search of the perfect ten point plan. They are rooted in both societal indifference and individual callousness - in the imperfections of man.

Solving these problems will require changes in government policy, but it will also require changes in hearts and a change in minds. I believe in keeping guns out of our inner cities, and that our leaders must say so in the face of the gun manufacturers' lobby - but I also believe that when a gang-banger shoots indiscriminately into a crowd because he feels somebody disrespected him, we've got a moral problem. There's a hole in that young man's heart - a hole that the government alone cannot fix.

I believe in vigorous enforcement of our non-discrimination laws. But I also believe that a transformation of conscience and a genuine commitment to diversity on the part of the nation's CEOs could bring about quicker results than a battalion of lawyers. They have more lawyers than us anyway.

I think that we should put more of our tax dollars into educating poor girls and boys. I think that the work that Marian Wright Edelman has done all her life is absolutely how we should prioritize our resources in the wealthiest nation on earth. I also think that we should give them the information about contraception that can prevent unwanted pregnancies, lower abortion rates, and help assure that that every child is loved and cherished.

But, you know, my Bible tells me that if we train a child in the way he should go, when he is old he will not turn from it. So I think faith and guidance can help fortify a young woman's sense of self, a young man's sense of responsibility, and a sense of reverence that all young people should have for the act of sexual intimacy.

I am not suggesting that every progressive suddenly latch on to religious terminology - that can be dangerous. Nothing is more transparent than inauthentic expressions of faith. As Jim has mentioned, some politicians come and clap -- off rhythm -- to the choir. We don't need that.

In fact, because I do not believe that religious people have a monopoly on morality, I would rather have someone who is grounded in morality and ethics, and who is also secular, affirm their morality and ethics and values without pretending that they're something they're not. They don't need to do that. None of us need to do that.

But what I am suggesting is this - secularists are wrong when they ask believers to leave their religion at the door before entering into the public square. Frederick Douglas, Abraham Lincoln, Williams Jennings Bryant, Dorothy Day, Martin Luther King - indeed, the majority of great reformers in American history - were not only motivated by faith, but repeatedly used religious language to argue for their cause. So to say that men and women should not inject their "personal morality" into public policy debates is a practical absurdity. Our law is by definition a codification of morality, much of it grounded in the Judeo-Christian tradition.

Moreover, if we progressives shed some of these biases, we might recognize some overlapping values that both religious and secular people share when it comes to the moral and material direction of our country. We might recognize that the call to sacrifice on behalf of the next generation, the need to think in terms of "thou" and not just "I," resonates in religious congregations all across the country. And we might realize that we have the ability to reach out to the evangelical community and engage millions of religious Americans in the larger project of American renewal.

Some of this is already beginning to happen. Pastors, friends of mine like Rick Warren and T.D. Jakes are wielding their enormous influences to confront AIDS, Third World debt relief, and the genocide in Darfur. Religious thinkers and activists like our good friend Jim Wallis and Tony Campolo are lifting up the Biblical injunction to help the poor as a means of mobilizing Christians against budget cuts to social programs and growing inequality.

And by the way, we need Christians on Capitol Hill, Jews on Capitol Hill and Muslims on Capitol Hill talking about the estate tax. When you've got an estate tax debate that proposes a trillion dollars being taken out of social programs to go to a handful of folks who don't need and weren't even asking for it, you know that we need an injection of morality in our political debate.

Across the country, individual churches like my own and your own are sponsoring day care programs, building senior centers, helping ex-offenders reclaim their lives, and rebuilding our gulf coast in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina

So the question is, how do we build on these still-tentative partnerships between religious and secular people of good will? It's going to take more work, a lot more work than we've done so far. The tensions and the suspicions on each side of the religious divide will have to be squarely addressed. And each side will need to accept some ground rules for collaboration.

While I've already laid out some of the work that progressive leaders need to do, I want to talk a little bit about what conservative leaders need to do -- some truths they need to acknowledge.

For one, they need to understand the critical role that the separation of church and state has played in preserving not only our democracy, but the robustness of our religious practice. Folks tend to forget that during our founding, it wasn't the atheists or the civil libertarians who were the most effective champions of the First Amendment. It was the persecuted minorities, it was Baptists like John Leland who didn't want the established churches to impose their views on folks who were getting happy out in the fields and teaching the scripture to slaves. It was the forbearers of the evangelicals who were the most adamant about not mingling government with religious, because they did not want state-sponsored religion hindering their ability to practice their faith as they understood it.

Moreover, given the increasing diversity of America's population, the dangers of sectarianism have never been greater. Whatever we once were, we are no longer just a Christian nation; we are also a Jewish nation, a Muslim nation, a Buddhist nation, a Hindu nation, and a nation of nonbelievers.

And even if we did have only Christians in our midst, if we expelled every non-Christian from the United States of America, whose Christianity would we teach in the schools? Would we go with James Dobson's, or Al Sharpton's? Which passages of Scripture should guide our public policy? Should we go with Leviticus, which suggests slavery is ok and that eating shellfish is abomination? How about Deuteronomy, which suggests stoning your child if he strays from the faith? Or should we just stick to the Sermon on the Mount - a passage that is so radical that it's doubtful that our own Defense Department would survive its application? So before we get carried away, let's read our bibles. Folks haven't been reading their bibles.

This brings me to my second point. Democracy demands that the religiously motivated translate their concerns into universal, rather than religion-specific, values. It requires that their proposals be subject to argument, and amenable to reason. I may be opposed to abortion for religious reasons, but if I seek to pass a law banning the practice, I cannot simply point to the teachings of my church or evoke God's will. I have to explain why abortion violates some principle that is accessible to people of all faiths, including those with no faith at all.

Now this is going to be difficult for some who believe in the inerrancy of the Bible, as many evangelicals do. But in a pluralistic democracy, we have no choice. Politics depends on our ability to persuade each other of common aims based on a common reality. It involves the compromise, the art of what's possible. At some fundamental level, religion does not allow for compromise. It's the art of the impossible. If God has spoken, then followers are expected to live up to God's edicts, regardless of the consequences. To base one's life on such uncompromising commitments may be sublime, but to base our policy making on such commitments would be a dangerous thing. And if you doubt that, let me give you an example.

We all know the story of Abraham and Isaac. Abraham is ordered by God to offer up his only son, and without argument, he takes Isaac to the mountaintop, binds him to an altar, and raises his knife, prepared to act as God has commanded.

Of course, in the end God sends down an angel to intercede at the very last minute, and Abraham passes God's test of devotion.

But it's fair to say that if any of us leaving this church saw Abraham on a roof of a building raising his knife, we would, at the very least, call the police and expect the Department of Children and Family Services to take Isaac away from Abraham. We would do so because we do not hear what Abraham hears, do not see what Abraham sees, true as those experiences may be. So the best we can do is act in accordance with those things that we all see, and that we all hear, be it common laws or basic reason.

Finally, any reconciliation between faith and democratic pluralism requires some sense of proportion.

This goes for both sides

Even those who claim the Bible's inerrancy make distinctions between Scriptural edicts, sensing that some passages - the Ten Commandments, say, or a belief in Christ's divinity - are central to Christian faith, while others are more culturally specific and may be modified to accommodate modern life.

The American people intuitively understand this, which is why the majority of Catholics practice birth control and some of those opposed to gay marriage nevertheless are opposed to a Constitutional amendment to ban it. Religious leadership need not accept such wisdom in counseling their flocks, but they should recognize this wisdom in their politics.

But a sense of proportion should also guide those who police the boundaries between church and state. Not every mention of God in public is a breach to the wall of separation - context matters. It is doubtful that children reciting the Pledge of Allegiance feel oppressed or brainwashed as a consequence of muttering the phrase "under God." I didn't. Having voluntary student prayer groups use school property to meet should not be a threat, any more than its use by the High School Republicans should threaten Democrats. And one can envision certain faith-based programs - targeting ex-offenders or substance abusers - that offer a uniquely powerful way of solving problems

So we all have some work to do here. But I am hopeful that we can bridge the gaps that exist and overcome the prejudices each of us bring to this debate. And I have faith that millions of believing Americans want that to happen. No matter how religious they may or may not be, people are tired of seeing faith used as a tool of attack. They don't want faith used to belittle or to divide. They're tired of hearing folks deliver more screed than sermon. Because in the end, that's not how they think about faith in their own lives

So let me end with just one other interaction I had during my campaign. A few days after I won the Democratic nomination in my U.S. Senate race, I received an email from a doctor at the University of Chicago Medical School that said the following:

"Congratulations on your overwhelming and inspiring primary win. I was happy to vote for you, and I will tell you that I am seriously considering voting for you in the general election. I write to express my concerns that may, in the end, prevent me from supporting you."

The doctor described himself as a Christian who understood his commitments to be "totalizing." His faith led him to a strong opposition to abortion and gay marriage, although he said that his faith also led him to question the idolatry of the free market and quick resort to militarism that seemed to characterize much of the Republican agenda.

But the reason the doctor was considering not voting for me was not simply my position on abortion. Rather, he had read an entry that my campaign had posted on my website, which suggested that I would fight "right-wing ideologues who want to take away a woman's right to choose." The doctor went on to write:

"I sense that you have a strong sense of justice...and I also sense that you are a fair minded person with a high regard for reason...Whatever your convictions, if you truly believe that those who oppose abortion are all ideologues driven by perverse desires to inflict suffering on women, then you, in my judgment, are not fair-minded....You know that we enter times that are fraught with possibilities for good and for harm, times when we are struggling to make sense of a common polity in the context of plurality, when we are unsure of what grounds we have for making any claims that involve others...I do not ask at this point that you oppose abortion, only that you speak about this issue in fair-minded words."

Fair-minded words.

So I looked at my website and found the offending words. In fairness to them, my staff had written them using standard Democratic boilerplate language to summarize my pro-choice position during the Democratic primary, at a time when some of my opponents were questioning my commitment to protect Roe v. Wade.

Re-reading the doctor's letter, though, I felt a pang of shame. It is people like him who are looking for a deeper, fuller conversation about religion in this country. They may not change their positions, but they are willing to listen and learn from those who are willing to speak in fair-minded words. Those who know of the central and awesome place that God holds in the lives of so many, and who refuse to treat faith as simply another political issue with which to score points.

So I wrote back to the doctor, and I thanked him for his advice. The next day, I circulated the email to my staff and changed the language on my website to state in clear but simple terms my pro-choice position. And that night, before I went to bed, I said a prayer of my own - a prayer that I might extend the same presumption of good faith to others that the doctor had extended to me.

And that night, before I went to bed I said a prayer of my own. It's a prayer I think I share with a lot of Americans. A hope that we can live with one another in a way that reconciles the beliefs of each with the good of all. It's a prayer worth praying, and a conversation worth having in this country in the months and years to come. Thank you."

'Call to Renewal' Keynote Address
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
obama.senate.gov/speech/060628-call_to_renewal/

"Everyone must submit himself to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God. Consequently, he who rebels against the authority is rebelling against what God has instituted, and those who do so will bring judgment on themselves. For rulers hold no terror for those who do right, but for those who do wrong. Do you want to be free from fear of the one in authority? Then do what is right and he will commend you. For he is God's servant to do you good. But if you do wrong, be afraid, for he does not bear the sword for nothing. He is God's servant, an agent of wrath to bring punishment on the wrongdoer. Therefore, it is necessary to submit to the authorities, not only because of possible punishment but also because of conscience. This is also why you pay taxes, for the authorities are God's servants, who give their full time to governing. Give everyone what you owe him: If you owe taxes, pay taxes; if revenue, then revenue; if respect, then respect; if honor, then honor."
-Romans 13: 1-7

Thoughts, if anyone made it this far?

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mirror, mirror

Oh, what I wouldn't give for a vacation.
Even if it was just a weekend in an empty house away from the noise and the stress.
But we're young and we're strong and we can handle anything that gets thrown at us.
This is a two month celebration of life, love, and goodness in the midst of trial.

I desperately need to break out. I don't want to be stuck in complacency anymore...God knew, so He shook things up. Why is leaving a comfort zone so uncomfortable?
Like a rock is stuck in your shoe and you absolutely cannot get it out.
It's okay, it's okay. It's not over yet, please stay.

The 'thing' is sneaking around and nibbling on my confidence. Mean, mean Mr. Mustard.
Can't you just back off for awhile? Let me have my unsecured confidence and a little faithless hope. We'll talk from there, okay?

Mmmmm. Muffin.

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sweetheart

oh, sunshine.

I need depth.

I have nothing to say. But I have everything to tell.

I am a walking contradiction that limps along with a smile and a wicked mind.
Vague. Vogue.
Irony? Perhaps.

Bring the freedom.

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all the wild horses

Thought of the day:

"I'm not trying to tell you," he said, "that only educated and scholarly men are able to contribute something valuable to the world. It's not so. But I do say that educated and scholarly men, if they're brilliant and creative to begin with-which, unfortunately, is rarely the case-tend to leave infinitely more valuable records behind them then men do who are merely brilliant and creative. They tend to express themselves more clearly, and they usually have a passion for following their thoughts through to the end. And-most important-nine times out of ten they have more humility than the unscholarly thinker."
- Mr. Antolini, The Catcher in the Rye

I just finished this book today. I think I've tried to read it about four times, and each time have only gotten about halfway. It just never held my attention, I guess. I think the problem was that it was such a revolutionary in it's time, that every serious or questioning book after it followed some sort of the same pattern. And I read them in the wrong order. Instead of starting with the original, I read the copy cats, so that by the time I got to the original it didn't seem to be so much anymore. In fact, the only really memorable quote I could pull from it, is the one I wrote above. And to me, that's what makes a book special and unique. When you read a line and it feels like something you should have written, or it was a thought that you are sure you had once. When you can identify so closely with a book that it is like reading your own mind, that is when you know it's worth something. Although, I suppose this would vary with different people , so maybe my theory's not worth so much anymore.
I slept too late today and didn't get enough done. I was supposed to do laundry and go to the grocery store. However, neither of these things happened. I did clean the house, but even that doesn't feel like much.
No one tells you that being a wife is very, very tiring.

It's rainy today and I got to sleep in with my husband holding me and listening to Jack Johnson. It was everything I had always imagined when I thought about what the perfect moment in our married life would be. I'm not sure I've ever been much happier than I was at 10:30 this morning.

I miss writing. I miss thinking that my writing was brilliant and smart and that it had the power to change the world. I feel like it's a dangerous thing to base your future on something so fleeting, like brilliance or creativity. I feel like this ability is something that slips through your fingers, just like sand, and why on earth would I count on it to make my future what I want it to be? I think I am afraid of failing. I've taken the plunge and assumed that I am good enough at it to focus on it all through college and to pursue a field in it when I graduate. But that scares me. What if I'm not? What if I'm making it up and it's all wishful thinking? Sometimes I read things that other people I know have written and I feel like never in my wildest dreams could I measure up to that. I remember writing classes that I took before I came to college and how torn up I got through it all. I remember declaring that I liked writing because it had no rules and you could do whatever you liked and call it perfection.
I am just now figuring out that is not true. There are rules, and they are secrets that everyone knows, but no one will voice.
There are standards that you are held to, and if you do not meet them, you will not make it.
Originality is not really real, it is simply a facade that is held up to conceal the fact that if you do not meet the rules, you do not meet success.

I want to make it.
I want it so badly it hurts. But sometimes I am just too scared to try and so instead of trying to perfect my craft, I just take it for granted that it will always be there and hope that when the time comes, I won't let myself down.
I think that I am trying to learn how to write intelligently now that I am sane and stable.
I have to relearn what to base everything off of. Before, it was my illness. But now I am better, and I need to base things off of the truth and what is real.
Except I don't know how to do that and I'm worried it won't come out very well.

This is so long, and I am sure that no one has read to the end. Except that it doesn't bother me, because I just realized that it was all for myself anyways.

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'get hot now'

summer workout update

Week 1:
workouts: 4/4 (friday I don't work, which means no gym. But that's okay.)
calories: 1680. roughly.
time: 2 hours and 20 minutes.

feeling: Not bad. Pretty darn proud of myself for working out 4 days in a row. Let's hope it sticks. : )

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sunshine

Today my goal is to be a woman at peace.
Somehow, that desire slipped out for awhile and I turned right back into the anxious, self-criticizing person that could eat herself alive.
I need God to give me peace and settle me with the fact that I am doing the best I can, and that is enough for Him. I don't need to compare myself or any extension of my life to anyone/thing else because there is no point. What God has designed for me is unique, so why wish I had something that wouldn't fit me anyway?

This is just wandering until I can gather my wits about me to keep on trucking for awhile.
It's been a quiet morning...kind of nice.
Wheat muffin (surprisingly tasty) and a mug of coffee.
Workout in two hours, then going home with Husband once work is over.
Fireworks and couple friends tonight...this could work.

God, I need some more inspiration.

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heartbreak

Hypocrite.
Oblivious.
Content.

"Use me God...No, I don't have any change. Sorry."
A crowded train, elbow-to-elbow with a mass of unfamiliar people, and wondering what to make for dinner tonight.
Work. Home. Husband. School. Repeat.

I wish I could deny it all. But I can't.
Since when did learning about life become the focus instead of actually living?

I shouldn't look at people and scorn them for who they are. I should look at them and love them for who they are.
If I have the answer to the depravity in their eyes, and the lack of hope in their voice, then why am I keeping silent? Why does it make my stomach shake and my voice dry up when I think about saying hello and asking them how they really are?
The man on the corner in the red shirt and wheelchair, asking for money to stay at the YMCA.
The hobo under the train tracks, rattling his change in his cup and singing a song as people pass.
The woman in the clearance shirt from Wal-Mart, holding her daughter's back pack, while picking her up from school and trying to force a smile.
The man in the movie store, blaring his music so loud it is heard from three aisles away, all the while staring at the shelf intently.

What a coward I am.

"But if I say, "I will not mention him or speak any more in his name," his word is in my heart like a fire, a fire shut up in my bones. I am weary of holding it in; indeed, I cannot."
-Jeremiah 20:9

Please God.

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changes

I'm...


Married!

And I love it.
My life is wonderful.
The wedding went fantastically, no hitches or anything (which I am told is rare...)
My honeymoon was bliss.
10 days in Cancun...I'm not sure you could ask for anything better than that.
My apartment is so cute and homey. I love it.
I cannot wait to get back to it after work at night.
My husband and I are suuuuper in love with each other, and it gets better every day.

I feel like, for the first time in a long time, I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be, doing what I'm supposed to be doing, and God is first priority.
This is what it's supposed to be like.

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